New Year's Resolutions by MJ Cat: Catblog

Since tomorrow I am on vacation, here are my New Year's resolutions! Let's hope that 2005 is a saner and happier year for everyone.

1. I will not waste the pretty. I am one handsome cat. Don't forget it.
2. I will not gobble my food. I will enjoy each morsel.
3. I will lose 10% of my body weight by 2/1/05.
4. I will not bite the hand that feeds me. I will try to pay attention if someone calls my name.
5. I will work harder and try to get published somewhere other than this damned blog.

I'm serious about my resolutions!

The return section at Walmart the day after Christmas at 1:00 AM.

Top 10 Movies of 2004

Although I realize that every moron out there has his or her top 10 movie lists, here is mine for 2004.

1. Tarnation
This was so good I wish I had made it. Medium can save your life.

2. Baadasssss!
I am always up for any movie about the demytholigization of an asshole father figure. The Royal Tennebaums was the last great movie that successfully showed this psychological process. I'm also a sucker for any film about film. Mario redeems himself on all accounts through catharsis.

3. Before Sunset
How good is that last crazy scene from the point where she plays the Waltz until the very last second? Everybody went "Awww" in the theater. I'm not a romance movie kind of girl, but Ethan has never been better in anything than he has been in these Sunrise/Sunset movies and Julie Delpy is just so pretty and relatable. And that scene where she went to touch him but withdrew her hand made my heart shutter. God, I wonder what happened to that guy I met on the beach in the summer of 1992. I wonder if he reads this blog and will look me up one day?

4. Bad Education
Almodovar just keeps getting better and better. I was engrossed. I told my friend that this was Almodovar's least gay movie, and he knew what I meant. Also, doesn't Gael Garcia look just like Julia Roberts? Uncanny.

5. The Aviator
I'm a sucker for this type of Hollywood Babylon story. I'm also a sucker for Scorcese and Leo. What can I say? I loved it.

6. Kill Bill, Volume 2
I can't believe I'm confessing this but I cried hysterically at the end of Kill Bill, Volume 2. I hadn't cried so hard since I saw My Dog Skip. Uma's quest for independence was extremely moving. She fought her demons with class, patience and style.

7. Thirteen Going on Thirty
By far, this Hollywood blockbuster starring my least favorite tabloid actress was surprisingly entertaining and thoughtful. I always wish I could go back to being 13 knowing what I know now and be able to change my life by making better choices. I know a lot of women feel the same way.

8. Sideways
Everything you've read about it is true. This movie is perfectly constructed on all accounts. All the actors deserve Oscars.

9. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
This was the saddest movie I have ever seen in my life. I shouldn't have watched it immediately after being dumped because I felt like I was going to throw-up the entire film. Jim Carey is becoming my favorite serious actor. I wish he'd stop doing stupid comedies.

10. The Dreamers
This movie was sexy and Michael Pitt is one SMF. Watching this movie and the Prince show were two of my most public heated moments of 2004. I bought the soundtrack.

Cat Earns MBA

MJ Cat has a MA in Cinema Studies from NYU and is on his way to earning his doctorate. He hasn't finished his dissertation yet which examines all Felix the Cat movies under the context of Ludwig Wittengenstein's texts and theories. He earns his keep by catching mice at a restaurant and is negotiating now for an Alpine Cat Scratcher for his recent conquest of ten mice. Like this cat,he should have received an online MBA from Trinity Southern University, because he'd be earning a lot more money than he does at his current job with his crappy Cinema Studies MA.

Holiday Blues

Well, Christmas is over and now I have a serious case of the holiday blues. Here's why:
1. I am out of vacation days and have to go back to work this week.
2. I gained five pounds.
3. I need a new love interest. I still miss Mr. Book still and The Snack is getting on my nerves.
4. I'm cold and my skin is drying out from the heat.
5. My hair color is fading and my colorist moved to Ohio.
6. I've spent too much time with my sister and mother who gang up on me and pick on me and treat me as if I were a child.
7. I miss my pet back home.
8. I feel as if I have nothing to look forward in the next few months.
9. I hate the month of January.
10. I hate New Year's Eve and the pressure to have fun surrounding it, yet I don't want to sit home alone with my cat.

Happy Holidays from MJ Cat. We'll be back next week.

The Men of 2004

This is a list of the best (not all) of the men I dated in 2004. These are the men who inspired me, drove me crazy, consumed me and pissed me off and, yet, made my year memorable. Compared to 2003, I must confess it's been a busy year. Despite being so busy, it's been passionate and I actually miss spending time with some (not all) of them. As always, I've changed their names, not to protect the innocent but to protect myself.

The Music Man (November 2003-February 2004)
Looking back, I can't say why he was in my life. To see what prompted me to tell him to never call me again, please refer to my Brunch Etiquette tips. I do not miss him at all. I went through a period where I dated eccentric weirdos and he was fortunately my last.

The Playboy Auctioneer (December 2003-April 2004)
Although we technically never dated, I spent a lot of time and cold nights with this man last Winter. We both enjoyed reality television, smoking, gossip and text messaging. I loved watching him on PBS and he loved that I loved watching him on TV. Also, he really did make me laugh. At the time, I had a hard time admitting that I actually really liked him because he was a close friend of one of my best friends and I felt that I had to put my guard up. Things ended after he went on a business trip to the Czech Republic and met some woman while he was there. When he returned, this "most eligible bachelor" told me we couldn't see each other "that way" anymore and I don't think he wanted to be friends after I referred to his new woman as his "Czech whore." It took me a couple of months to get over him.

First Step (April 2004-July 2004)
Rebounding from the Playboy Auctioneer, I met First Step at a coffee shop. I even dragged my ass to eat Thai food and watch Netflix with him in his Brooklyn apartment. He used to send me video messages at work where he would go into the closet at his office and sing songs for me. While I realize this sounds very cheesy, it always made my day. Unfortunately, First Step had just entered AA the previous month and wasn't really allowed to be dating so I called it off in both of our best interests.

Full Bodied (July 2004-August 2004)
I really didn't like him, but he was just kind of around and told me how hot I was and how he just loved my "full body." Paranoid about the "full bodied" comment, I immediately stopped eating, but my friends assured me that I looked fine and that he was just into T&A. He ended our affair over email (he had a girlfriend) and I actually forgot about him until I just wrote this. I can't even remember his last name.

The Nice Guy (May 2004-July 2004)
A DJ at a club I used to frequent, The Nice Guy was extremely nice. We went out on many dates and I even went to see his band play a couple of times. I never put out at all because I just never really dug him and I can't quite say why. I found an easy "out" after his entire gastro system shut down in some sort of freak illness and he had to go into the hospital and be fed through a tube.

Mr. Book (August 2004-October 2004)
Out of all the men I have dated in the past couple of years, I had the strongest feelings for Mr. Book. He was extremely smart, handsome, fun, funny and just easy to be around. He even showed me the warts on his foot on our first date. On our second date, he told me that he really liked me and I remember feeling this great sense of relief and optimism. I still don't quite understand why it ended other than he became clinically depressed. While our affair was brief, I confess that I miss him and the process of getting to know him. He bought me this large wall mirror that I have hanging above my couch and whenever I look at myself in it, I see his dimples smiling back at me. I hope he can find his own smile again.

Non-Alcoholic (October 2004)
Trying to Not Waste the Pretty after the Mr. Book fallout, I quickly rebounded. I liked him because he has been sober for over ten years and he mentally just seemed "there" and "into me." Unfortunately, I was a mess and mentally "not there." I royally fucked it up with him on our third date by calling him Mr. Book's name during a moment of passion. All I can say the timing was off and he was a really nice guy with a great ass.

The Spanker (November 2004)
Although we had met years ago, I had one date this year with the Spanker. We only had one date because instead of kissing me goodnight like a regular date, he pushed me against the wall and spanked me. I might be crazy, but this scared me and I didn't respond to the crazy email he sent me. After this date, my friends put me on dating probation which I am technically still on until January.


The Snack (December 2004-present)
Although I am technically still on probation, I am allowed to spend time with The Snack because he makes me happy. And to all of those who keep asking me, I confess now that I actually kind of like him. OK, I really like him BUT THIS WILL NOT GET SERIOUS. It's just that he's uncomplicated, sweet, kind and fun. I am looking forward to spending the day with him tomorrow.

MJ Cat Attacking the Tree

Don't Eat the Tree: Friday catblog

Don't Eat the Tree: A Holiday Catblog Poem by MJ Cat

I can't help it if I want to eat the Christmas tree
It looks a special feline gym
Custom-made especially for me.
Every bite I take is tainted with bitter apple spray
But the tree is just so shiny and pink,
I can't keep my paws away.
The tree doesn't have any lights
because I'll fry myself
with my crazy cat bites.
Christmas makes me really sad
Because I keep hearing the words,
"Stop it, Max, you are so bad!"

Things I Hated 2004

1. Jessica Simpson. Her Christmas album is the worst recording I have ever heard.
2. The Anna Nicole Trimspa commercial where she pretends to be a cat. It is insulting to cats.
3. The Bachelor is so over. I hate all dating reality shows.
4. Judith Regan. She's boring and has too much botox.
5. Old TV shows turned into bad major motion pictures.
6. Following the Weight Watchers points. I'm starting to get sick of this.
7. student loans
8. Separating my laundry
9. running out of toilet paper
10. ex-wives and ex-girlfriends of current boyfriends
11. drunken celebrity speeches at award shows
12. annoying coworkers who ask stupid questions and schedule unnecessary meetings
13. bad customer service at expensive stores
14. when my hair is not the way I want it to be
15. cold windy rainy weather
16. finding any sort of lump in my body and waiting for test results
17. Creating my monthly report for work
18. Waiting in line at TJ Maxx
19. My Sprint PCS contract
20. Restricted phone calls
21. when my mother hangs up on me to talk to my sister
22. Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Kelly Ripa
23. mayo
24. ketchup
25. cheese
26. relish
27. when I screw up the Netflix return envelope and tear off the sticky strip
28. computer crashes
29. working in Hoboken
30. not making enough money to support my lifestyle
31. Hillary Swank--I'd wish she'd just give up
32. when friends have a nervous breakdown
33. Billy Bush on Extra
34. The way my cat won't eat out of the bowl and only food from off the floor
35. cab motion sickness
36. Guys who say they will call you, and don't
37. Cash Bar
38. The ongoing feeling that a terrorist attack can happen at any time
39. Doing the dishes
40. Britney Spears and Kevin Federline
41. Pet abuse
42. The results of the 2004 Presidential election
43. Monday mornings
44. Inefficient clerks at check-out counters
45. "Storm watches"
46. Condi Rice
47. Sleepless nights
48. The amount of money it now costs to take a taxi
49. Disappearing boyfriends
50. Allergies and asthma

My Balls

Here is the recipe for my meatballs.
1/2 pound ground beef
1/2 pound ground pork
1/2 pound ground veal
1 egg slightly beaten
2 cloves minced garlic
1/4 cup grated Parmagianno cheese
1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley
1 cup breadcrumbs
2 tbs. red wine
salt
pepper
1 tbs. tomato paste


These are all approx. measurements because I never really measure. Put the garlic and parsley in your food processor. Chop it up. In a large bowl combine all other ingredients and mix up with your hands. Round the balls in your hands. Above is what a finished plate should look like. Good luck!

This is for readers who wanted a better photo from Friday's catblog.

Gates of Heaven: RIP Dear Stanley

When I was a little girl growing up in York, PA, I had a best friend. His name was Stanley and he was a perfect little beagle. He just appeared one day in our yard and ran into our house and ate a houseplant. My parents put an ad in the paper and called the SPCA, but nobody claimed him. My mother said I could keep him. We spent many happy hours together. He could do many tricks including rolling over, singing softly or loudly, dancing on his hind legs and playing dead. Stanley, however, was a restless dog and used every chance he could get to escape our house and roam the neighborhood. One day, Stanley was hit and killed by a truck on Market Street and a man carried the dead animal to our doorstep. I still clearly remember the image of seeing my best friend lying motionless in a stranger's arms. This was my first encounter with death. I was six years old. My parents buried Stanley in a satin-lined coffin and placed a marker on his grave at the Grandview Pet cemetery. I always found comfort as a little girl knowing that Stanley would lie in eternity surrounded by other beloved pets. In times of trouble, I still dream of Stanley. He speaks to me in dreams and offers me advice.

Today my mother called to tell me about an article in the paper announcing that the pet cemetery had been turned into a yard and was no longer in business. Over Christmas holiday, I plan to return to his burial site and claim his marker and pay respects by leaving one more wreath for my beloved best friend. If any of you readers have pets buried at this location, here is the information:

Gravemarkers

Jack McGraw said people who have pets buried in what was once Grandview Pet Cemetery in Codorus Township and want to have their gravemarkers as a keepsake may contact him at 428-9131. He said he will set up appointments for people to retrieve their markers, but they must know where the markers are. McGraw does not have maps or burial records showing where all the plots are.

Holiday Entertaining Tips

Tonight I hosted what I thought was a great small holiday dinner party. My theme was the Goodfellas Hannukah dinner. Here are the ingredients for a successful evening with your friends:

1. Meatballs, sausage and Italian gravy with Rigatoni. (I cooked for six hours. This is a bigger deal than it sounds.)
2. Steroid eyedrops for friends allergic to your pet
3. Live Aid DVD set (my friend brought this as a gift and we were all riveted.)
4. Red Stripe beer and red wine
5. The Meat Plate (A plate of just Italian meats with no cheese. I include grapes.)
6. Italian Christmas Cookies for desert.

Don't Shake the Tree: Friday Catblog

I know from personal experience that the holidays can make any cool cat get out of control. No bitter apple solution or water sprayed in my face or scolding can keep me from chewing on the Christmas Tree. I don't have a lot of outlets so this is how I go nuts during the holidays. Be sure to control yourself over the holidays or someone might surprise you with bitter apple when you least expect it.
1. Don't get too drunk or crazy at your holiday parties. Be professional and only have one drink if any at all. I hear Shirley Temples are back in vogue.
2. Remember to send your holiday cards. I keep pro-cat-inating on this task.
4. Stop eating so much. You don't want to be fat in 2005.
5. Have fun. I always feel that the period between New Year's Day and Valentine's Day is just one downward depressive slide.
6. Don't spend all your money. I tend to get a little too generous over the holidays. I bought my owner a lot of presents this year and I don't have any money.

Don't Waste the Pretty 2005

Last night at 1:30AM, I had an epiphany about why that book "He's Just Not that Into You" is such a phenomenon. Oprah rebroadcast her episode yesterday featuring the authors talking about the book. In any case, I finally understood the message of the title when Greg said to a woman waiting for a man to ask her out, "Don't Waste the Pretty." So, for 2005, I am going to make every effort to follow this advice. I'm a smart hot piece of ass, so from now on, I am not accepting any shit from immature male morons. I don't believe in New Year's resolutions, but for the first time, I am making one. IN 2005, I AM NOT GOING TO WASTE THE PRETTY. Here's how:
1. I will not wait for men to call me. Rather than sit by the phone, I will go out with Snacks and enjoy myself.
2. I will not ever let myself become a second-tier woman. I will not accept any dates unless they are made at least three business days in advance.
3. I will not accept or go on booty calls, unless I am the caller. If I do go on one, and the man is passed out from too much Wild Turkey and doesn't open the door, I will not accept any additional dates with him.
4. If he's too busy, I will immediately move on. Bicoastal men are now out of the question.
5. I will not go out with married men.
6. I will stay away from addicts.
7. I will follow my instincts. As Oprah said, "If you ever have doubt, don't do it."

Running Scared: Christmas Carols for the Blogosphere

I know that Running Scared has a love/hate relationship with this blog, but he was kind enough to actually include me in his Christmas Song "My Favorite Blogs." I'm impressed with the Reluctant Republican's creativity. I think I'll write an Xmas rap when I can get a free evening away from the Snack.

Do Not Get Closer

I can finally report on the most overrated and pretentious movie of the year. Laughable in the wrong places, poorly adapted and terribly acted, Closer is this year's Mystic River. Frankly, it's standard pretentious middlebrow "crap" posing as intellectual arthouse fare. Closer markets itself relying on pretty faces and a soundtrack. Julia Roberts seems like she's subtly acting because the character she plays is so poorly written. It's clear that she doesn't even understand her own role yet alone her connections to the other characters. Natalie Portman is terribly miscast and delivers one of the worst performances of the year. I laughed out loud during her final scene when she spit in Jude Law's face and I wanted to slap her throughout most of the movie. I don't think Mike Nichols intended this to be the laugh-out-loud moment of the year, but I couldn't control myself. I always want to spit on Natalie Portman anytime I see her in any movie or giggling on Bleeker Street with her friends. The 90's are so over now, and the days of Neil LaBute self-congratulatory nastiness seem tired and dull. Spend your money on Sideways.

The Joy of Snacking with Younger Men

Otherwise known as "tadpoling," I discovered what I like to call "snacking" last night. I was explaining to my friend that I had a date with a man in his early 20s and she said, "Oh great...a snack!" After dating older men for the past couple of years and being burnt and confused by their complicated baggage, I have to confess, I enjoyed my evening with The Snack. I recommend to all you single women, find yourself a Snack for the holidays! If you don't overindulge, you might just fill up without gaining any unnecessary baggage weight. Here's why:

1. Most snacks don't have careers that take up too much of their time. They never really have to work late and if they do, they are not too tired to see your old ass.
2. Some Snacks live with their parents which I think might be better than a man actually being a parent. It's much easier to compete with parents, than with children.
3. Snacks like to go out and know of all the new places and secret parties. This can be fun and beats sitting home with you cat on Saturday night.
4. Snacks have A LOT of energy which can manifest itself in many pleasing and satisfying ways.
5. Snacks will text-message you how much they miss you even if they just saw you an hour ago.
6. Snacks think you are very cool and smart. They are in awe of your presence. They are not afraid to tell you this to your face.
7. Snacks have smooth skin and hard bodies.
8. You have the power in the relationship. This is a great remedy to help you forget the last man who sideswiped you and broke your heart.
9. Snacks are uncomplicated. They still have the optimism of youth rather than the pessimism that comes with an ex wife or a failed career. They are hopeful.

Warning: Don't rely on Snacks, as there is little chance, they will ever become a meal.

Holiday Dieting Tips from MJ Cat: Friday Catblog

Like most Americans, I struggle with my weight. I don't want to be a fat cat, so here are my December dieting tips.

1. Don't be a live garbage disposal. Eat your portion and don't eat off other people's plates.
2. Watch the Pounce treats! Mindless snacks can add on the pounds.
3. When you are done eating, hide your bowl. Dining at 3AM is just not necessary.
4. If you go to a party, only hit the buffet table once and watch out on the tossed treats (passed appetizers.)
5. Eat deliberately and slowly. As you can see, I throw my food on the floor and eat one chow at a time. Don't gobble.
6. Drink a lot of water. This can fill you up.
7. Remember, it's always better to look good than to feel good! Meow!

Back to my Youth

Here is a recipe for a Grasshopper Cocktail I don't have time to write today. I have a date with a twentysomething. The ban has been lifted!

Family Style Holidays: My Worst Nightmare

The holidays were traumatic enough when my parents were together. Check out this article about "Happy Divorces" and how divorced families are now spending the holidays together. I can't imagine spending Thanksgiving Tennenbaum style. My last memory of spending a holiday with my complete family together involved my sister throwing a steaming bowl of matzo ball soup in my mother's face. As punishment, my father dragged my screaming sister to her bedroom by her ponytail while my mother said nothing and ate another bowl of soup. It was all surreal because I was intoxicated from one too many grasshoppers. I was eight years old.

MSNBC - Happy Divorce

Wedding Contest in the Post

I think I need to enter this, even if it is only a fantasty and a lie. The New York Times Weddings is starting to bore me. I'm sick of reading about old boyfriends getting married for the second time.

I lost Miss Subways and they didn't name a street corner after me, so perhaps I can fabricate a love story for myself and I can win this sweepstakes!

New York Post Online Edition: contests

I'm Waiting for the Man

I never reported this, but my close friend Kristen put me on dating probation earlier this month. She said that my judgment has been cloudy and that I wasn't allowed to go on any dates until December. This ban lifts as of midnight tonight and I've been clearing my mind over the past two weeks.

Over the Thanksgiving holiday, I reread my 10th Grade Diary and in it, I listed the qualities I was looking for in a new boyfriend. As an experiment, for the month of December, I will now only consider men who meet most or all of these qualifications. I think I was wiser back then.

What I Want in a Boyfriend
December 15, 1986

1. He is nice
2. He is cute
3. He gets me
4. He likes reggae
5. He likes to dance
6. He likes to read poetry
7. He likes pets
8. He looks good in his clothing
9. He is nice to my friends and family
10. He is smart
11. He doesn't play guessing games
12. He doesn't have a girlfriend
13. He isn't prejudice
14. He likes to read books
15. He goes shopping with me at the mall
16. He thinks I'm cool and smart
17. He lets me pick the movie
18. He's just not looking for sex
19. He's not fake or a poser
20. He likes to ski

More Big Black Hole Questions

As most of you know, I spent my holiday in good old York, PA. Since I have lived in New York for so long, when I am in York and see Native Yorkers, they wrongly think I have all the answers. Here are some of the questions asked over Thanksgiving:

1. How do you know when someone is your boyfriend?
2. What is the maximum you will spend on your hair?
3. Is that you what you wear when you go out in New York? Didn't you stand out at the India Sports Bar and Grill in gold pumps and a tulle skirt?
4. Do you ever feel like you are just making stuff up at work and really don't know what you are doing?
5. Do you think you will ever get married?
6. Where do you put all your stuff in a small apartment?
7. Do you think you will ever leave New York City?
8. What exactly does "third base" mean?

Gotham Image

As Regis is to Kelly or as Mary Kate is to Ashley or as Nick is to Jessica, Gotham Image is to Nycbabylon. As my local counterpoint and occasional stalker, I'm so glad I've inspired him to start his own blog. Keep checking in with him, because I know from the amount of emails he can send it one day, he can be quite prolific and has many interesting comments.

York vs. New York on Thanksgiving: The Great Friday Catblog Debate

Due to some crazy law where animals can't travel on Amtrak, I have been forced to spend Thanksgiving weekend all alone. Here are the pros and cons of spending a holiday alone in New York versus with my family in York:

Pros:
1. I can catch up on sleep. Nobody is bugging me and I can do whatever I want without supervision.
2. I don't have to be away and wondering what all my friends are doing. My friends can just drop by and see me and bring me food and pet me and I then they leave and I can go back to bed.
3. Nobody asks me where I am going and what I am doing.
4. I am not forced to eat food outside of my diet and don't have to worry about gaining any holiday weight.
5. I can watch whatever I want on TV and am not forced to sit through a horrendous screening of Jim Carrey in the Grinch.

Cons:
1. I miss sleeping with someone. It's cold alone here in the bed by myself.
2. I am missing all the good holiday sales at Walmart and Target. Walmart is open 24 hrs. a day in York.
3. I don't have that fantastic opportunity of bumping into some high school crush who now works in a factory and seeing a faint hint of regret on his face as we catch up.
4. I don't have anyone to argue with. Holidays are a great time for free-for-all family fighting.
5. It's lonely being single during the holidays no matter where you are.

Things for which I give Thanks

I just ate a lot of turkey and drank a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc and the following is what I am thankful for this year and this moment. I mean it.

1. MJ Cat-He brings me joy every day and I look forward to returning home after a boring day at work and seeing him roll around on the floor and purr with excitement when I walk in the door.
2. Caller ID-I only have to speak with whom I desire.
3. The Olsen Twins-My favorite source of celebrity gossip now lives on my street!
4. The Risotteria-My favorite neighborhood hangout always provides me with a place where everybody knows my name.
5. Pamprin-From headaches to back aches to bloating to cramping, Pamprin can cure any illness while adding an element of sedation. And it goes great with turkey and white wine.
6. I am thankful for my very good friends including Ken, Joe, Jen, Federico, Kristen, Diane, James, Mark, Deirdre and Todd. Like the Oscars, I can't name all of you but I couldn't survive without you. You all complete me.
7. Chantelle- I would like to thank the French company that makes the only bras that actually fit me comfortably.
8. New York City-I am feeling sentimental now that I am away, but I am thankful that I live in the best city on this earth. I'm never bored.

Back to the Creator

I am heading out of town today. I will post from the land where they are back to teaching Creationism in public schools. I am not joking.

Swiff it Good?

This weekend I viewed a TV advertisement that was even more upsetting for me than the predictable Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason. Have I entered a time warp and am now living in 1955? Although I've seen this advertisement more than once, this weekend, the ad hit me like a brick in my ass. The ad is for the Swiffer Duster. In the ad, a thirtysomething woman maniacally dances around someone's house to the tune of Devo's "Whip It" which has been modified with the lyrics, "Swiff it Good." Because the ad revolves around the use of an 80's pop song, I know that I am the targeted demographic for this product. First of all, I think Swiffers kind of suck. I have one and actually find a paper towel with some Windex is a lot more effective. Aside from this, these are my problems with the Swiff it Good commercial:

1. I blame this type of televised propaganda for me being single. I mean, this commercial reinforces the stereotype that women love to clean. I have enough trouble cleaning my own house and would NEVER clean anyone else's house, even if I had the BEST cleaning tool ever. Yet, I've had at least two men break up with me because my apartment is not very clean. I don't like cleaning and I don't have much time for cleaning and this should show that I am a complex, fun, intelligent and interesting woman who would rather go out on the town than vacuum or do dishes. Most men, however, expect a woman to keep a neat and clean home and stupid ads like this reinforce this idea to men in my dating demographic. In fact, all the women that I know who spend time being clean and neat have boyfriends or husbands. I, however, agree with what Quentin Crisp once brilliantly said, "You should never clean where you live, because after four years, it doesn't get any dirtier." And if I ever meet somebody and we end up living together, I promise to pay for a cleaning service.

2. Recently, I had a friend actually SEND OUT AN EVITE asking her friends to come and help her clean out her closet. For the past month, all three members on her invite list have been busy during the proposed time. I blame the Swiffer ad for making women think it is acceptable to actually INVITE friends over like it is some kind of party to help her clean her house. As I said in statement #1, I hate cleaning. If the ad would have shown a man cleaning some strange woman's house with the duster, I think sales would skyrocket. Proctor and Gamble could have shown the woman returning home and getting it on with the man for cleaning her house. Now, that would have been a good use of the song and a much better advertisement.

3. I have to confess, I never really liked the song "Whip It." I always thought it was boring. As for the use of 80's songs in advertisement, I preferred HP's use of the Cure's Pictures of You for the HP Digital Camera. I found that ad more resonant and relevant to my life and it made me want/need a digital camera more than I want a Swiffer duster. Sometimes I feel like my memories are as disposable as the dust on my TV screen.

The Declinist

Please check out my West Coast counterpoint's new blog entitled the Declinist. He's smart and we agree on most subjects. The only problem with the Declinist is that he's too pessimistic to marry me.

The Boob is Back

First of all, again I want to thank all the strangers who supported me over the past week. I received a letter yesterday in the mail stating "We are pleased to inform you that the results of your tests are negative." I wonder if they had bad news if they would have sent me a letter. Now, I can sleep. To all the women out there, be sure to check your breasts. I never realized how important this can be.

Nine Lives versus One Life: Friday Catblog

Here I am out walking on my leash. As you can see, I'm feeling much better. My person, however, had to experience the human medical system this week. Here's the difference between vets and doctors in this country:

1. It's easier to get an appointment with a vet. Doctors sometimes are overbooked. When I had my emergency, my vet saw me immediately while my person had to beg for appointments.
2. The doctor makes you wait much longer than a vet. My vet's office is very organized, while most doctors are not as organized. Doctors, however, have better magazines.
3. When you go to the vet, you are guaranteed somebody who cares about you will take you and pet you during your visit. When you are human, you might have to go alone to the doctor.
4. Vets don't take insurance and I don't work so vet care is costly. This is a con of being a cat.
5. I can tell my vet really cares about me. It's sometimes hard to tell with people who work at the people hospital, especially rude receptionists at Beth Israel Medical Center.
6. You don't have to get naked at the vet.
7. Doctors don't put people to sleep. When you go to the vet, there is a chance you could get the death needle.
8. Cats have nine lives. Humans only have one.

Lump Update

Thanks to everyone for their kind emails and support. I'll have the final diagnosis in 4-5 business days. In any case, I'm finally tired of strangers touching my breasts.

The 25 Million Dollar Hoax

Did anyone else watch this crazy program? Although it's the bottom of the Reality TV Show barrel, the show was somehow very compelling. I don't quite understand the premise of "pretending" to win 25 million dollars and going on a fake spending spree in order to piss of your family. There are much easier ways to piss off your family spending all of your real money.

FOB's (Friends of Babylon)

Many strangers are linking to my site. From a reluctant Republican to a blonde intellect, I'm getting referrals from all kinds of bloggers! Check out my new blogging friends! Unlike the blogger in NY Time's Sunday article, I want to make it clear that I am not dating any of these people.

Running Scared (the reluctant Republican who is scared of me)
Mind of Mog (catblogger!)
The Modulator (politics and cats)
The Blonde Intellect
When Cats Attack
Your Moosey Fate (catblogger!)
Beware of the Blog

The Lump

Just when I thought things couldn't be worse, it now is. First I suffered getting dumped and then my cat got really really sick and now a round lump has been diagnosed in my left breast. I am trying to be confident. I hope it just turns out to be a cyst. Also, be warned that the receptionist at the Beth Israel Ambulatory center is a total uncaring bitch!

Fat is Back

Is being fat back in style? Based on the following, I think we all should gain at least 15 pounds as soon as possible.

1. Renee Zellweger is fatter in the second installment of Bridget Jones and attracts Hugh Grant and Colin Firth.
2. Neil Lebute's new play is called, "Fat Pig."
3. After hiding out for what seems a very long time, Monica Lewinsky has reappeared in the gossip columns.
4. Thanksgiving is in two weeks.
5. Anorexia is out (i.e. Mary Kate Olsen)

It's Better to Be a Live Cat than a Dead Lion: Friday Catblog by MJ Cat

I've had a terrible week. The medicine in the needle in my ass for my loss of fur totally suppressed my immune system causing me to get a serious upper respiratory virus. I'm on the mend but I learned some things from my first real illness.

1. If someone has to take you to the emergency room at 2AM, don't jump out of your box and bite and hiss at the vet. It's best to be honest with your doctor and a trip to the ER is expensive so get your money's worth. Some cats don't have insurance.
2. If someone wants to wipe your nose and eyes with a warm cloth, let her. This is in your best interest and will make you feel better. Don't let your pride get in the way.
3. Take your medicine even if it means someone has to force a nasty tasting liquid down the back of your throat with a medicine dropper. Medicine makes a sick cat feel better.
4. Rest and don't push yourself. Let someone bring your bowl to the bed.
5. Although you might feel better hiding in a box under the bed in the middle of the night, if you notice that your person is looking for you for an hour, alert her to where you are hiding or she will freak out and think that you are dead. It's better to be a live cat, than a dead lion.

Favorite New Blog

Since I'm sort on hiatus today after an emotionally complicated week, I thought I'd point out my favorite new blog. Check our Crazy Emails From Men. I hope this gets "fleshed" out.

Desperately Seeking Sanity

I am seeking a new man to take me into 2005. Here is what I'm looking for in a potential date. In my heart, I fear he doesn't exist.

1. Married men need not apply. This includes men who are recently separated or who have not seemed to settle their differences with their ex-spouses.
2. Please live in one city, unless you have the funds and time to entertain me in all of your homes.
3. Please do not have any kind of erectile dysfunction. I am in my prime.
4. Please return phone calls or call when you say you will call.
5. If you don't eat meat, don't apply.
6. Despite not being an vegetarian, please like animals and be kind to them. I live with one.
7. Please do not have any upcoming scheduled appearances in any of my favorite media outlets, because if things don't work out with us, I don't want the image of you to ruin my favorite TV show, magazine, song, etc.
8. Please do not plan on leaving town for over a month after our first date. (See #2).
9. If you are a neat freak, it will not work out.
10. Please do not have any current substance abuse problems.

Is this asking for too much?

The Big Black Hole

Last night after attending a very depressing screening of Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason, I met my friend Kristen to discuss the meaning of life. Based on our conversation, here some of the questions I will attempt to answer as this month continues:

1. Why is it that there are some weeks when nobody returns your phone calls, emails or letters? What creates this big black hole?
2. Why is it that perhaps I am more doable, than dateable?
3. Does Renee Zellweger look better fat or skinny?
4. Am I finally sick of Reality TV?
5. Is Netflix really worth it?
6. How many songs does one really need on an ipod?
7. What makes a grown man want to be spanked?
8. How long does it take for a cat to recover from an upper respiratory virus?

Weekend Roundup: Coffee, Tea, Cats and Me

Here is a brief round-up of my weekend:

Meet Friday night date. Serve tea. Finish tea. Date leaves.
Take Max to ER in the middle of the night. Max acts healthy at ER. Return home and go to bed. Wake up and can't find Max. Search for him for an hour. Find him in corner cowering under the bed. He is very sick. Call vet. Go to vet and get antibiotic for Max. Administer antibiotic. Max pukes. Call vet again. She advises to try again in five hours. I suffer severe allergy attack from being in too many vet offices. Take two Claritin for my own allergy attack. Read Cat for Dummies to learn about how to administer medicine to cat. Watch the Warrior and the Princess. Successfully administer antibiotic. Martha comes over for dinner, but leaves. She seemed disturbed by too much sneezing and wheezing from both me and my cat. Sleep for 14 hours with Max. Serve Max his cat food in bed. Pet him all day. Go to grocery store for more cat food. Now making beef stew. Max is still sleeping. Haven't heard from the spanker.

A Needle in My Ass: Friday catblog

I literally lost fur over the ups and downs of this fateful election week. In fact, I think a lost one of my nine lives. My owner likes lists, so in honor of her, here's what I learned this week.

1. When you go to the vet or doctor, don't jump off the table mid-injection or you might just have a big needle left in your ass. It's better to quickly accept inevitable pain than to prolong it with rebellious behavior.
2. Don't wriggle out of your harness or you will be forced into a plastic box. It's better to walk on leash than to be carried in a cage.
3. I have seasonal allergies which is why I'm losing fur on the back of my neck. If I don't scratch this area, it will heal.
4. Politicians should address pet insurance. Perhaps Democrats have lost focus on what Americans really care about.
5. Democracy Plaza is a place on television.
6. Sometimes it's OK to bite the hand that feeds you. She will just put on big gloves and love you anyway.
7. Based on the amount of emails I received this week, cats are the new black...not Ohio.

He Seems Into Me

After a month of feeling like a crazy old cat lady, I finally have a sign of what it feels like to have someone "into me." When making plans with someone I met a few years ago but nothing ever materialized, I received the following email invitation:

You will be at the fountain at Lincoln Center on Friday night in a becoming dress and not sensible shoes and that we will take it from there.

Details to come.

What to do When He's Not Into You

I just read one of those bland "How to Get Over Him" articles in the York Daily Record. (I know, I'm obsessed with my hometown newspaper.) This article is especially hilarious because the advice comes from my childhood shrink who my mother sent me to when I was a 8 so I wouldn't be fucked up when I got older. I would only speak to her through the use of a puppet. In any case, I found this article and now she is doling out love advice. Don't listen to her. Take mine:

1. Immediately after you receive the bad news that he either has another girlfriend, has serious mental problems, is gay or is simply still not over someone else, go home and start acting in a true state of irrational behavior and denial. Act crazy and call old boyfriends. Chain smoke, eat a pizza, pace your apartment and whatever you do, don't sleep.

2. Listen to the saddest song you can repeatedly for four hours straight. Call him on the phone and have nothing to say.

3. Be tired, defeated and melancholy. Feel full of regret. Go out with a friend who is or recently has been in your position and bitch and moan and feel sorry for yourselves. Let your self-esteem go rock bottom and be slightly self destructive. Do whatever you need to do to ensure that you start getting on your own nerves. For example, call the dumper and be mad at yourself for being so weak. Buy tons and tons of crap from target.com and eat a bucket of KFC. Whatever it is, wear yourself out and resolve that the next day you are not going to be an asshole anymore and if you can't be good to yourself, nobody else is going to be good to you.

4. Rebound. Have sex with someone you don't know very well. Make sure he is hotter than the guy that dumped you. Also make sure that you have nothing in common with this rebound dude because there is no way it's going to develop. Make sure you kick him out of your apartment after sex. This will take your mind off being dumped for at least 4 hours.

5. Dye your hair a new color. Hate it. Dye it back. Fight with your hairdresser. A week will fly by during your hair crisis.

6. Start making tons and tons of social plans, bitch in your blog and drive your girlfriends crazy.

7. Start a major diet. Ask yourself repeatedly if the real reason he dumped you, is perhaps because you are fat. Lose 7 pounds in one week.

8. Walk down the street repeating to yourself, "I am one hot piece of ass," and try to believe it.

Thomas Jefferson was Wise

"A little patience, and we shall see the reign of witches pass over,their spells dissolve, and the people, recovering their true sight,restore their government to its true principles. It is true that in themeantime we are suffering deeply in spirit, and incurring the horrors ofa war and long oppressions of enormous public debt..... If the gameruns sometimes against us at home we must have patience till luck turns, and then we shall have an opportunity of winning back the principles we have lost, for this is a game where principles are at stake."

Shrugs are Ugly

This is my final report on the 2004 election. I watched Bush's acceptance speech and couldn't help but notice the twin's outfits. I think Jenna is the blonde one and Barbara is the brunette. Jenna's weird lace shirt with the sexy pink camisole shirt seemed to have this very weird ruffle going down the back. Where did she buy that? Rave? And was Barbara wearing a shrug? I hate shrugs.

Todd's Blog

Please check out Todd's new blog. For those of you don't know Todd, he's fabulous.

Another Four Years of Crap

I'm hoping and praying that NBC has made some kind of major mistake with their projections. I am fucking boycotting Ohio.

On Thin Ice?

The ice map is in Democracy Plaza. I just wanted to write that sentence.

Where in the hell is Democracy Plaza?

One of the greatest mysteries of me regarding this election is who in the hell started this Democracy Plaza shit? I mean aren't they in Rockefeller Center? When did this name come into such common use that even Entertainment Tonight seems to be reporting from this new place called Democracy Plaza. I'll have more comments when I return from dinner at Yama.

Election Day

I voted and now will be up all night watching TV viewing the returns. For the record, those voting booths are sort of confusing. I had to think while I voted. I hope Kerry wins. I'm nervous.

New Month, New Nerves, New Neuroses

After a long and painful October, I'm relieved it's a new month. Although I am feeling much better than I did one month ago, here is what I am worried about for November.

1. I am worried about the election. I am worried that Bush will win. I am worried what will happen if Kerry wins.
2. I am worried about my weight. I ate too much during my October meltdown and now need to diet just in time as the holiday season begins!
3. I am worried about my cat. He has this weird patch on his neck where his hair is falling out. I have to take him to the vet. I'm worried about how much this will cost.
4. I am worried I will die alone.
5. I am worried that my computer will soon die.
6. I am worried about this Osama tape. I hate Osama.
7. I am worried about the mess in my apartment. I don't think I'll ever clean up.
8. I am worried about somebody that I am not supposed to worry about anymore.

What Not to Wear on Halloween

For those of you ladies who are last minute and do not have a Halloween costume yet, I advise you to NOT dress up as Anna Wintour. While Anna is an easy, comfortable and clever costume, you will be lost among a display of tits, ass and big hair in various angel, nurse, Paris Hilton and prostitute disguises. If, however, you want EVERY gay man to come up to you and start chatting with you, then I say go as Anna. Just remember gay men don't buy drinks for straight girls dressed up as Anna Wintour.

Tabby is the New Black by Maximillian Joseph Cat

I'm getting ready for my favorite holiday and working on my costume! This year I am dressing up as Paris Hilton. I am recovering from a tough week after being called to duty to mouse in my former restaurant home. I didn't catch anything and think I would have been a better help to my owner nycbabylon who was really lonely without me. I'm glad to be back in my home in time to jump on the catblogging bandwagon!
Hugs and hisses,
MJ Cat

Catblogging? Are Cats the new Black?

I'm totally going to have to hop on the bandwagon with the trend of catblogging. Perhaps I need a softer approach and as the Times points out, "To some, the point is that posting pictures of their animals provides a chance to introduce a softer personality into blogs that are often hard-edged." This is the best article I've read in a long time. Please look for news from Max tommorow as he catblogs!
The New York Times > Technology > Circuits > On Fridays, Bloggers Sometimes Retract Their Claws

Desperately Seeking a Tastykake

As a result of asking for some love advice, I received this list of men I should be dating from my friend Matthew. So, get in line, boys.

men who should be dating nycbabylon (and why) - the 26 october 04 version

-----disclaimer: if he's married, it's his loss - if he's gay, he's
just confused-----

13) Isiah Thomas, President of Basketball Operations, New York Knicks
He needs someone smarter than a Knicks City Dancer.

12) Eli Manning, rookie Quarterback, New York Giants
This country boy needs some big city fun.

11) Justin Timberlake, singer
He needs someone to tell him what jewelry is acceptable on a man.

10) Clive Owen, actor
He needs an American girl.

9) Erik Engstrom, Chief Executive Officer, Elsevier
He's not hot, but Amsterdam is the new London.

8) David Pasternack, chef, Esca
Again with the "not hot" but a girl's gotta eat.

7) Sander Kleinenberg, DJ
Again with the Dutch? But hey, he's a dj.

6) Nacho Figueras, polo player and model
Um, it's summer in Argentina when it's winter in New York.

5) John-Paul Lavoisier, actor
He's on a soap opera, so he understands drama. And he's from PA, so he
understands Tastykakes.

4) Derek Jeter, shortstop, New York Yankees
Hopefully she'll lure him away from baseball.

3) Ethan Hawke, actor
She's the only woman I know who is cooler than Uma. (Matthew seems to have forgotten his responsibility for my unfortunate Ethan Hawke run-in in 1994.)

2) Bradley Tomberlin, model
He needs to date someone prettier than he is.

1) Matt Cavenaugh, actor
When they break up, he can date me.

Strike a Pose, There's Nothing to It

It has been over a week and I've been silent regarding an article in a certain high-gloss fashion magazine profiling two people who threatened to sue me years ago for writing an expose on their illicit affair. Now, I am getting phone calls from friends requesting comments on this self-serving article. Without going into full details and naming names in order to protect myself from these two literally trying to take the coat off my back again, here are my most basic thoughts and comments:

1. I really didn't need to read this article while I was home feeling sorry for myself on a Saturday night eating a taco and watching Nuts for Mutts on Animal Planet. I mean I'm way cuter, nicer and smarter than she is, so why does she get to live in a billion dollar house and I am alone and live in a shack with a cat?
2. I have lost respect for this magazine. In Touch is a much better rag. The article was false and had no journalistic integrity. I mean, did they hire Liz Smith to write this trash?
3. I love how her response to the preformentioned scandal was written in email form by some hired publicist. That is so her.
4. His quotes made him sound like a moron. Is he really that shallow? I guess money can make any face handsome.
5. What's the deal with that designer that is up her ass? Or is he up his?
6. Who is training her now?
7. I think my favorite part of the article was the section where it discussed her dinner party menu and how she made a different entree for herself. That is so "down-to-earth."
8. There are so many mean yet true things I could say, but I don't need to, because if you read this article, I suspect you are already thinking these same things.

Crazy Cat Lady Action Figure

Someone just sent this to me. THIS IS NOT ME!!!!!!!!!!

Crazy Cat Lady Action Figure - Dolls, Plush Dolls & Action Figures

Caught with Pussy

OK, last night I was out with Max, and this woman I never saw before in my life comes up to us sitting on our favorite bench on the corner of Bleeker and Morton. This woman somehow knows Max and asked, "Is that Max who used to live in the restaurant?" Then she said that she read about us on the Web. She explained how her friend emailed her some article about me and Max and that we were the "famous waitress" and "famous cat" of the West Village. I have no idea to what article she was referring, but I'm kind of freaked out. Please alert me if you know about this article. This is not the kind of press I need to be receiving right now.

Things I Learned This Week

I've decided to officially end my week today. It's been a crappy, depressing and grey week, but I've learned a lot of important life lessons. I am taking tomorrow off and spending the weekend boozing, whoring and doing pilates. Here is what I learned this week and feel free to apply these hard-learned lessons to your own life.

1. It is unwise to answer the phone after taking an Ambien.
2. Nice girls can finish last.
3. In times of despair, whatever you do, do not make any drastic changes to your hair. (This rhymes.)
4. If you do make drastic hair changes and then come home and hate it and then your best friend says "I can't believe you fucking did that to your hair! What the fuck were you thinking?" call your colorist immediately and cry and then he will fix it for free.
5. We live in a world where we know some people that you may even know and respect are voting for Bush. While this is disturbing, it is a fact.
6. You don't have to answer everyone at work all the time. It is perfectly acceptable to say, "I'll get back to you," especially if this is a pushy bitchy new coworker.
7. Just because a man is smart, he may not be very wise.
8. Sometimes life is grey. (My shrink told me this.)
9. He's Just Not that Into You might actually be a sacred text. When a man passes out after he invites you over, it is a warning sign that you should not ignore.
10. Baseball has nine innings, but sometimes it can have more.

I Want My Money Back, You Bitch

I am currently dealing with the process of being completely disposed and ignored, like rotten vegetable remains in a garbage disposal. My shrink is on vacation in Portugal and the disposer refuses to talk to me and the romance was too short-lived to get any sympathy from friends. So, I'm seeking the counsel of my ipod. Here's my current playlist.

The One That Got Away - Tom Waits
Nothing screams "breakup" like Tom Waits sitting at a piano with a cigarette in one hand and a glass of whiskey in the other while growling into a microphone. And you get the impression that if anyone knows anything about love gone bad, about regret, it's the man with the gruff, weathered voice. When Tom sings, "Well I've lost my equilibrium, my car keys and my pride" and "just don't misspell her name buddy, she's the one that got away," I feel it.

Smoke Gets In Your Eyes-Eartha Kitt
Eartha's melancholy cover of this song can make anyone cry upon repeated listening while in an irrational state. I especially get involved in how it invokes that fleeting period of the optimism when you meet somebody new, realize that you like him although you are warned by all of your friends to steer clear, find out that your friends were right that he is perhaps a disaster, and then deal with all the disappointment alone after he inevitably lets you down. This song is sure to make you cry, especially if you are chain smoking obsessing about the situation and listening to this song for the 15th time. Yeah, smoke is in my eyes and it's a Marlboro Light.

Almost Blue-Elvis Costello
Inevitably, when I realize that I can't be with the one I want, I tend to just go for whoever is around, especially if he is really tall, handsome, has washboard abs and cowboy boots. I don't care if we really have nothing at all in common and I just like the way he picks me up in his car and every time he sees me says, "I forgot how pretty you are." Except when I'm with him, I somehow I can't get the images of someone else's left dimple or those weird hairs on his nose or those weird freckles on his thigh out of my mind. I think about how the last time I saw that someone else when he seemed happy, he climbed in the shower with me. I miss the way he made me laugh at bad Red Foxx jokes. Elvis Costello totally gets this in this song...the emotion of subconscious sadness, the cynicism, the regret, the distraction, the hope. The Everything But the Girl cover is equally effective.

Don't Think Twice, it's Alright - Bob Dylan
Nobody does dumped like Bob. While Bob has numerous songs about associating with the wrong person, this one is my favorite. In it, he never admits that his heart's been broken, choosing instead to merely shrug the whole thing off and slide in subtle and less than subtle insults at every opportunity, something I always appreciate. Best line: "Good-bye's just too good a word, gal; so I'll just say fare thee well. I ain't sayin' you treated me unkind; you could've done better, but I don't mind. You just kinda wasted my precious time. But don't think twice, it's alright." What he's saying is "Things didn't work out, but it's not me, it's you...and you suck."

No More Drama - Mary J. Blige
Whenever I'm feeling down, I listen to Mary J. I mean she's seen it all and now she's looking fabulous and experiencing huge success. This song is the "I Will Survive" of the new millennium. When Mary sings, "Only God knows where the story ends for me, but I know where the story begins. It's up to us to choose whether we win or loose and I choose to win," I get a little spring in my step. While I admit this is terribly cheesy, it totally works.

Song For the Dumped- Ben Folds Five
This song is the ultimate succinct and simple "I got dumped" songs. Ben Folds is super pissed and it sounds like he's going to slam his hands through his piano and for some reason this song always makes me feel better. How many times I've wanted to say, "So you wanted to take a break? Slow it down some and have some space. Fuck you, too. Give me my money back, you bitch."

Velvet Hammer Strikes Again

After a long vacation, I revisited my old friend the Velvet Hammer last night. To avoid any problems, I even made sure I was in bed after taking only 5 milligrams. Then the phone rang, and I made the terrible mistake of answering it without looking at the caller ID. As far as I can remember, here is a transcript of the conversation:

Caller: Hey, it's John.
NYCB: What do you want?
Caller: I want to apologize for being such a dick and not calling for you so long.
NYCB: Upfront, I think you should know that I took an Ambien about 15 minutes ago and that is the reason I am slurring and will not be making any sense throughout this conversation.
Caller: That's cool. I'm in bed too.
NYCB: You know it has been a really long time. I totally wrote you off. You have been a dick. My hair is brown.
Caller: So, what else is new?
NYCB: I bought a new dress. There's a lion on TV. Where are you going for the election?
Caller: What? Listen. I get it. You are mad because I've been such an asshole. I'm calling to apologize.
NYCB: Listen, I told you I took a sleeping pill. I can't have this conversation right now....
Caller: I miss you.

And, that is all I remember which sucks because I really needed that kind of ass-kissing call and due to the Ambien, I totally forget what happened after that moment and am living now in my own drug-induced cliffhanger. Do not answer the phone when taking Ambien.

Letter to the Editor

I have been receiving all this random mail regarding my blog from old friends. I've been enjoying my correspondence with Matthew the most. It's nice to know old boyfriends (even ones who are now gay) haven't forgotten about me. I've linked all the obscure references for non-Yorkers. I can't believe this blog has become more about York than New York recently.

well, if you don't come home for thanksgiving, i'll see you saturday
night in manhattan - if you're coming home, we're going out on
wednesday night - got it? maybe if we're lucky we'll run into patrick
in the depot VIP lounge... or we can assault the
token gay bar after downing lukewarm 'tsing-tao' or some other random
asian alcohol at the india sports bar (do they only show cricket
there?)

i busted out laughing during a lecture the other day while reading
nycbabylon... you need to write more often... the prof has such a
hard-on for himself, i doubt he noticed that i spit a half-chewed
peanut m & m onto my powerbook display

anyway, when you know what's up with t-day, let me know - tell your mom
that flavor flav is coming to dinner

oh - catster rules - i wish i could have a cat here, so he could be
friends with max
m

Hair Crisis Update!

For those of you who have been following my self-imposed hair crises over the past three decades, I am in the process of dealing with full-blown disaster. This current episode has completely put me over the edge making me think irrationally and compulsively and forcing me to do anything to distract myself from admitting that I HATE MY FUCKING HAIR. Starting with the current disaster, here is a list of all previous hair meltdowns.

No More Sex in the City Hair Crisis (2004)
I was reading an issue of In Touch and decided that I liked Sarah Jessica Parker's brownish hair. I also like Reese Witherspoon's newly brunette locks. Then I asked some guy who just dumped me if he thought I should keep it blonde or dye it brown and because he answered "blonde", I made the final decision to go dark. I mean I've had a rough couple of weeks and I thought that perhaps I could simply change into someone new and transform my life with darker hair. This move was especially stupid, because I'm not having fun and the dark roots have ruined my sunny disposition. I am hoping to have this fixed ASAP and left hysterical messages for the guy who told me to keep it blonde and also on the salon's answering machine. Neither parties have returned my calls.

Mrs. Brady Hair Crisis (1998)
I had been very happy with my hair for years, but I made the fatal mistake of dating my Japanese hair stylist which, of course, went nowhere, and left me without anyone to cut my hair. I started seeing someone new at Warren Tricomi (who I still see to this day elsewhere for cuts), and one day he went crazy on my hair and cut into this fucked up style where it was short all the way around except for two long pieces down the front. That also happened to be the day that I had a work photo ID taken to remind me of this disaster. I went home and cried and my friend Adam said, "Oooh, Mrs. Brady" which forced me to immediately call the salon and schedule a "recut." Weeks later I ran into my old stylist/boyfriend on the street and he looked at me very sadly and said, "I see you are seeing someone new." He didn't mean me, he meant my hair.

Lost Highway Hair Crisis (1997)
After seeing Lost Highway, I had the crazy notion that like Patricia Arquette's character, I would radically transform myself overnight into another person. This time, I went from brunette to platinum blonde. Being so compulsive, I employed my friend Adam who worked at Soap Opera digest to oversee the process. I ended up with carpet-beige colored locks and a burnt scalp. Adam apologized, "Just because I'm gay, doesn't mean I can do hair!" The only good thing about this disaster was that it taught me to pay a hair colorist.



Disaster Place Hair Crisis (1994)
Broke and in graduate school, I made the terrible mistake of going to Astor Place. I had been growing out my hair and it was driving me crazy so I did an Astor walk-in and told them to cut it all off. Originally priced at around $10, I ended up having it cost a lot more at Bumble and Bumble where I went to have it fixed. The Japanese hairdress asked, "Who Cut Hair? Look like salad bowl?" I ended up dating him for free hair cuts.

Joan Jett Hair Crisis (1987)
My first hair crisis was so severe that many classmates refer to it in my senior high school year book. My stylist of the time named Pitella (one name) decided to transform my sweet curly permed Madonna locks into the rock and roll look of Joan Jett. Needless to say, I hated it and actually stayed home sick for two days and wore a hat until it growth out. I don't wear lesbian rock and roller very well.

PA goes Jap! First Cheney now Ikura!

Yesterday I received an email from the first guy I ever French kissed. He's gay now, but anyway, he wrote to me yesterday to let me know that he enjoys reading nycbabylon and that he misses the York Fair and also had a crush on Steve Carter. So, in honor of Matthew who still thinks I still "rock" after all these years, I'd like to spotlight that York is finally opening some ethnic restaurants, including two new "Japanese" restaurants. Remember the days when the only non PA-dutch meal you could go out for in York was some chow mein at the Golden Dragon on Eastern Boulevard? I mean I'm in New York City and I can't get a California role and a pizza steak at the same restaurant after buying some Lee jeans at the Bon Ton. Matthew, in memory of our good times together, over Thanksgiving, I'll buy you a beer at the India Grill and Sports Bar at the Quality Inn Hotel on Market Street.

Japanese restaurant to open Monday - York Daily Record

Bad Customer Service in SoHo Report.

Yesterday I went on a manic shopping spree. If Bloomberg really wanted to revive the downtown economy, he should take a look about the incompetent people running shops in lower Manhattan. Below is a list of what I would have purchased had I been properly helped. I always buy more than for what I budget and I was in a manic state which is why the price of the budgeted item does not match the loss to the store.

1. Bodyhints- I need new lingerie. I budgeted $200 for bras and matching panties. Nobody would help me in the dressing room to get me a bra that fits. I left with nothing.
Loss to store: $300

2. Sephora- I need to completely update my colors while also replenishing skin care products. First, I went to Sephora to pick up my Stila Moisturizing Foundation in shade D. The woman (wrongly)told me that Stila discontinued it. So, I asked her to recommend something else but she ignored me and helped some crazy old bag looking lady. Meanwhile, I had two bottles of perfume in my cart valued at about $200. But because I came there for the foundation, I didn't feel the perfume purchase was justified so I stormed out purchasing nothing.
Loss to store=$260

3. Bloomingdales- I went to Bloomingdales to try to rectify the cosmetic situation. I first went to the Benefit counter where the attendant seemed busy rifling through drawers looking for a lipliner for someone. Based on this behavior, I had to assume that she wasn't the real Benefit representative so I moved onto the Stila counter to buy my foundation. The woman working there also seemed overtaxed and let a woman butt in front of me in the line. Snubbed again, I didn't buy the foundation. Then I moved over to Laura Mercier, but again, I must have been invisible. I left with nothing and never made it upstairs to coats, dresses, jeans, bras and shoes.
Loss to store: $1500

4. Jill Stuart - I don't know what to say about Jill Stuart. I saw a very pretty dress in the window. They didn't have my size on the rack. I asked the saleswoman to help me. She looked at me like I was foreign, and turned her back on me. I left.
Loss to store: $700

4. Radio Shack - My cell phone is on the fritz and the guys working at Radio Shack were too pushy, rather than delicately helpful. I don't need a fucking video camera on my cell phone. I just want one that I can use to talk, especially to the home offices of the stores which I fled out of because I was being completely ignored.
Loss to store: $200

The Worst Halloween Costumes Ever

For Halloween, I usually dress up either as Madonna or Willie Nelson or as Miss Georgia, but considering I feel like shit this week, I am contemplating if I should just be a toilet seat cover. Funny Halloween Costumes

Bachelor with Small Endowment

Without naming names (the clues lie somewhere deep in this blog), I must confess that I had a fling with one of Gotham's "eligible bachelors" during the first half of this year. I haven't read this issue to see if the writer warned other women about his extremely small "endowment."

'Gotham' Bachelor Guessing Game

Pinky Rings

I hope a certain connoisseur of men's pinky rings and Stan Gilmer CDs changes his mind and dines with me at Rao's in a couple of weeks. Otherwise, I'm launching a city-wide contest and the person who kisses my ass the most, wins this hard-to-get opportunity.

http://www.nysun.com/section/16

He's Just Not That Into You

I'm not sure if this book is either the most evil or perhaps the greatest book ever written, but all the women I know are annoyingly discussing it and it's starting to make me nervous. Is this self-help trash liberating or is it evil in the same way as the stupid Rules were? And it doesn't seem to cover the more complex and mysterious episodes of what does it mean if a man passes out after inviting you over for a booty call or what if he call you up on the phone and asks for Katrina and your name is not Katrina or what if he calls you at work and starts masturbating? Does that mean he's just not into you?

Amazon.com: Books: He's Just Not That Into You : The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys

Cooking For Engineers

Should I create a blog that is "Cooking for People with Boring Publishing Jobs" or how about "Cooking for Film Professors" or how about "Cooking for Sluts?" In the meantime, you can check out my recipe for fig vinegar pork chops. They are easy enough even for an engineer to cook.

Cooking For Engineers

The Surreal Life According to Mom

It's been a long time since I interviewed my favorite television critic, my mother. My mother is a 60-year-old self-described "educator" who lives in York, PA. I interviewed her to discuss VH1's TV sensation The Surreal Life. By the way, I am so watching the AllHipHop.com : News">spin-off.

NYC: So, did you watch The Surreal Life?
MOM: What am I supposed to say? I hate all these people.
NYC: What do you think about Brigitte Neilson?
MOM: She's a drunk and she's nuts.
NYC: Do you know that she says she's in her early 40's?
MOM: What? Didn't you see her in those tight pants? That's an old-woman's body. All that stuff hanging out.
NYC: She says she's in her early 40's.
MOM: No way. I don't think so. How old is Sly now? He's over 50.
NYC: If you lived in the house with Brigitte and she was walking around naked in front of you, what would you do?
MOM: I'd be disgusted and I'd move out. She's funny looking and bizarre.
NYC: Do you like the feeling of water getting into your clothes?
MOM: No, I don't like getting cold right away.
NYC: Who would you share a room with from the Surreal Life?
MOM: Ryan Starr. She seems the most normal. I sure don't want to room with that farter from the New Kids.
NYC: As an educator, if Flavor Flav had his own children's TV show, would you let your students watch it?
MOM: Absolutely not. He's not a good role model. To tell you the truth, I don't know who Flavor Flav is or what he does. I never heard of him.
NYC: Do you think Flavor Flav and Brigitte make a good couple?
MOM: No. Just No.
NYC: Did you know that they are creating a spin-off show where they will travel cross country together?
MOM: Good luck to the both of them.
NYC: Do you prefer gold teeth or platinum teeth?
MOM: I guess platinum. They are not quite as obvious. I hate gold teeth.
I really hate them.
NYC: Which language do you speak better? Charo or Flavor Flav?
MOM: First of all, I hate Charo. I hate her accent. I hate all that cuchi cuchi shit. Johnny Carson used to have her on all the time and I hated her then. She's truly and always annoying.
NYC: So, you speak Flavor Flav better?
MOM: Yeah, I speak ghetto.
NYC: I didn't know you spoke ghetto.
MOM: Yeah, I understand most of it.
NYC: But if you are so ghetto-fabulous, how is it you never even heard of Public Enemy or Flavor Flav?
MOM: Let's just say I have more contact with the ghetto than wherever the hell Charo is from. Is it Portugal? Let me repeat. I hate Charo.
NYC: Do you think that you will watch this show again?
MOM: I couldn't even watch it until the end. I have to watch my tape of Guiding Light now. I don't understand this show. I don't know who these people are and it all just means nothing to me.

Gawker Stalker: I look like Molly Ringwald?

I'm the "Molly Ringwald looking girl" talking to Ed Kowalczyk, although I think I look better than Molly these days. By the way, we went to homecoming, not the prom. And for the record, he wore a leather tie.
Gawker Stalker: John McEnroe Likes Indie Pop

Vote for Max on Catster!

Please vote for Max on Catster.com. He only has three paws now, and I think Max is truly a five-paw cat. For those of you who don't know, catster is the friendster for cats.

Results from the Annual 2004 York Fair Eat-Off

Howard has updated me with a report of the annual York Fair Eat-Off. Unfortunately, I could not compete this year. Frankly, I think Eric and Howard tied, as Eric consumed beverages laced with Sweet and Low which do not count during an eat-off. Howard's report is below:

The results are in and Eric has defended his title at the York Fair Eat-Off (results at bottom). Eric had his game face on as he fasted on all day and lined his stomach with Maalox to prepare him for the digestive demands of fair food. Eric’s concentration was at such a high level that he lost his wallet (which I think he later found) at one of the vendors’ stands. Unfortunately, I could not keep up with Eric and experienced sharp shooting pains up the left side of my arm (is that bad?) after my funnel cake which prevented me to eat substantially more. Bryan had a pitiful showing demonstrating that he has the will to resist such culinary delights and will probably live 2 years longer than Eric and me.

BTW, I feel like ass right now

First Place - Eric
1. Pit Beef Sandwich
2. Fried Hamburger with Onions & Sauce
3. 32 Oz Coke
4. Chicken on a Stick with Roll
5. Italian Ice
6. Soft Pretzel
7. Orangeade
8. Slice of Pizza
9. 16 oz lemonade
10. Roast Beef Sandwich
11. 32 oz iced tea with 4 sweet & lows

Second Place – Howard
1. Italian Steak Sandwich
2. Fried Hamburger with Onions & Sauce
3. Jumbo French Fries
4. Funnel Cake
5. Italian Ice
6. Chili Dog
7. Orangeade

DNQ – Did not Qualify - Minimum of Five major fried items need to be eaten

Bryan – absolutely pitiful showing
1. Italian Steak Sandwich
2. Corn Dog
3. Fried Hamburger with Onions & Sauce
4. ½ whoppee pie

Please don't let me die alone at Spa 88!

In a city where you can be killed or drop dead at any moment, I always try to rate my worst-case death scenario. Yesterday, I was confronted with the terrifying possibility of being left for dead at Spa 88 aka the Wall Street Bath and Day Spa on Fulton Street. If I am ever with you at Spa88 and I pass out in the sauna or have a heart attack in the cold pool or slip in the steam room, please don't abandon me leaving me to be stuffed into the Siberian Pelemeny in the restaurant or have my breasts cut off to be used as jacuzzi flotation devices!

$40=Painting, Mirror and Two Hours of Crack

The Norm Crosby-loving cad described in the blind item earlier this week has completely made it up to the West Village socialite he left last weekend waiting for him in his lobby. She's fully satisfied. Here's how he did it-
1. He took her to Sparks. Classy.
2. He purchased a beautiful mirror for her from a bum on the street selling trash
while he bought a painting for himself.
3. Before fully purchasing, he examined all cracks.
4. He threatened to throw his dog off of the bed when the dog started growling at
her.
5. He offered to get her juice when he she asked for it.
6. He gave her his ex's bobby pins.
7. She thinks he told her that he acutally liked her, although she's not sure if he
was talking to her or to his dog.

Blind Item

What decadent handsome editor-in-chief known for his love of the OTB and The Poseidon Adventure couldn't fufill his end of a booty call? Rumor has it he convinced a charming, chaste and gorgeous West Village socialite to come downtown to watch the Jerry Lewis telethon with him only to pass out on his daybed leaving her confused in her negligee waiting for him in his lobby? He says he'll make it up to her. She's not sure how.

Best Celeb Siting of the Week

Today I think I almost fell over when I realized I was walking behind Lenny Kravitz, Lisa Bonet and daughter Zoe all walking hand in hand on Broome Street. Lenny and I are the same size. I don't think he recognized me from the time we shared a picnic lunch at Jones Beach back in 1994.

15th High School Reunion Update

I just returned from an exciting weekend in Pennsylvania where I caught up with some former classmates. Here is a rundown of gossip from my former classmates. I am glad I live in NYC now.

1. Judy got her tubes tied and told us this fact unsolicited at dinner. She also drank alcohol through her two pregancies, but her kids are "fine."
2. Matt now weighs 265 lbs. He weighed 135 at the time of graduation but due to a thyroid condition, he put on a lot of weight. His wife was nice and didn't seem to mind.
3. Howard said Kate looks the best and even better than I do. I disagree.
4. Joel hit on Jessica making her leave the bar early because he was making her "nervous."
5. Gary was wearing a polo shirt with the Country Club emblem embroidered on the sleeve. He said some pretty racist and homophobic comments at Denny's.
6. Brian and Linda's children were kind of wild.
7. Kathy and Rick ended up getting married. They both look and act exactly the same.
8. Steph confessed to Kate that she threw up before every swim meet and this pattern continued until college.
9. Samantha donated her old used pocketbooks for the silent auction. Howard thought this was tacky.
10. Erik has a lot of tatoos and is a bartender in CA. He did not show up for the reunion.
11. Mark asked me for my number and I am deciding if I should call him.

My readers and friends are equally neurotic

I want to thank all my readers who sent me emails in sympathy to my birthday dilemma. Here is my favorite response. I've taken out the names as this reader is notoriously private, but I really appreciated her kind words and relate to her neuroses. I consoled her by telling her any guy who would go to a Rush concert is lame.

" I just read your entry about the ipod. That blows! I think you should set up a jar at your party and write "IPOD FUND" on it. People will totally put money in it when they hear your tale of woe. Then tell your mom and sister that your FRIENDS contributed to the purchase of your ipod and they will both feel like jerks.

Don't feel bad about your birthday. My friend, insane crush of 2 years plus, and date to your party sent me an email today saying he had to cancel because he forgot that he was going to a Rush concert on Thursday night. With his girlfriend. (name deleted but it's a very BAD and STUPID NAME.) I was ditched for someone named (BAD AND STUPID NAME.) Also I have no date to and no prospects for my baby brother's wedding in a month. I went to heat up water for my laxative tea but my mother made me turn off the microwave because she was on the phone and the microwave and the phone can't be used at the same time. I don't know why. It's one of her "rules". I had to drink tepid laxative tea. It's called Smooth Move. How fitting. Someone in this house may end up chopped up in the freezer.

Your party will be fun. I'm looking forward to it. Think about the ipod jug.

Happy Birthday to Me?

Today my sister called me and informed me that she and my mother wanted to give me an ipod for my birthday, but that I would have to pay for part of it.

I had two options involving this "gift":

1. They would give me a gift certificate for the Apple store where I could put the money towards an ipod.
2. My mother would purchase the ipod using her education discount and I would have to reimburse them any amount over $200. My sister preferred this option because it was saving me money regarding my own contribution for own gift. I could either write them a check or she would just deduct her portion of the bill for the birthday dinner we are planning for my mother on Friday.

Here is my response and thoughts on this matter:

1. I never asked for them to buy me an ipod and was going to purchase one on my own. I don't know why they feel this insane need to "give" me an ipod.
2. I do not really appreciate having to negotiate the cost for my own birthday gifts and anything I have to pay for is technically not a gift at all.
3. What is wrong with these people? I don't understand why they think that the general rules of etiquette do not apply when dealing with family members.
4. How is it that I'm in my 30s and every year in some way I'm forced to feel like I am somehow in 16 Candles?
5. Now that I'm 33, can I legally divorce my family?


Etiquette International - The Art Of Gift Giving

Another Man Bites the Dust

When I first entered high school, I had a massive crush on Steve Carter. He was a senior and I was freshman and I loved him. He was funny, smart and nice. He once drove me to our band concert in his jeep. (He played the trumpet and I played the sax.) Unfortunately, when we arrived I fell out of the car and he laughed. On our band trip to Texas, I took numerous photos of his ass as he walked in front of me on the Dallas Cowboys football field. I have these photos proudly displayed in my high school photo album. Steve was also cast as Conrad Birdie in York Suburban 1986's production of Bye Bye Birdie. I was cast as a groupie who screamed and fainted each time he came near me. During our final production, we had a moment where I swear he actually winked at me onstage. After Steve graduated, I forgot about him and moved onto deeper obsessions. I miss the innocent crush I had on Steve. Now, he's a doctor and married to some girl he met on a mountain.

The New York Times > Fashion & Style > Weddings & Celebrations > Kathryn Simons, Stephen Carter

Soho House is So Over--Everybody's Trying to Get into the Charlton Club!

The Soho House is so over and now all the defectors are trying to become members of the fabulous new Charlton Club. The exclusive Charlton Club is so secret that I don't even have all the details about how to become a member. I do know, however, that pledging members must take IQ tests. More details to come as I investigate!New York Post Online Edition: gossip

MarryYourPet - The pet and people wedding specialists

This is the best Web site I've seen in a long time.

MarryYourPet - The pet and people wedding specialists

More dirt on Kamm

More Kamm news keeps coming.

ArtsJournal: Modern Art Notes

Kamm Gets His or Don't Snub Me at Da Silvano

New York Post Online Edition: gossip

In one of my first jobs and a low woman on the totem pole, I used to take a lot of calls and office visits from Oliver Kamm who was a velvet-mafia wannabe and up the ass of my velvet-mafia boss (actually I'm not sure who was up whose ass.) Anyway, Oliver was always overly sweet to me asking me to do him favors and to get my boss on the phone for him. As a courtesy, he used to send me this very bitchy weekly email that he used to write about Christy Turlington who was in one of his classes at NYU. He would take notes on everything she said in the class and then comment on them in these nasty emails that were sent to all his friends. They were actually very funny. I remember at the time, he was also very into snowboarding. Anyway, years later I ran into Oliver at Da Silvano and he totally snubbed me and was extremely rude whenI came over to his table to say hello. He actually said to me, "I can't believe they let you in here." I never forget a social slight, so I appreciated hearing that Kamm is actually a crazy man surrounded by meathead goons.

New York Post Online Edition: news

New York Post Online Edition: news It would be hard to get down in a tree.

Don't sleep with your students.

Variety.com - Inside Move: Elvis to leave building Could this be the critic the Post referred to last week in a blind item?

MANHATTAN WAITER : MANHATTAN WAITER

MANHATTAN WAITER : MANHATTAN WAITER

Believe it or not, I'm in the home section!

For those of you who missed me in the home section, check out my fabulous Shrine to the Goddess and Kit-Kat clock. I think they should have devoted an entire article to me. New York Post Online Edition: Real Estate Page 40

Also, I've been getting a lot of requests regarding my new haircut. You can get yours done by Todd at Edris while actually having a bird's-eye view of Sally Hirschberger giving the $600 hair cut!

Who I am through Googlism

Just when I was losing touch with myself I turned to Google. Who needs yoga or meditation when you can simply go to this site to really determine the outside world's perception of who you really are? Plus, I have been dwelling on the fact that the current guy I am having relations with failed to invite me to a benefit that he is hosting this evening and somehow I found comfort in the fact that Google doesn't even know who he is or is not. I at least can rest assured that I am nice.

Tossing Salads and Rainbow Parties

Yesterday Oprah ran a rerun which was actually a promotion for the movie Thirteen and called "Is Your Child Leading a Double Life?" As part of the show, Oprah had teens and their moms discussing their teenager's sex life. The highlight of the show was a writer for Oprah magazine discussing teen sex terminology. My mother must have missed the original episode because she called me to discuss this segment and thanks to Oprah, I had a frank discussion with my mother about rainbow parties, tossing salads and booty calls. I must be old-fashioned, because I really wasn't comfortable defending the joys of a well-timed booty call to my mother who found absolutely no merit in such an exchange. I assured here that I did not accept booty calls as a teenager. I also felt old because I never heard of a rainbow party and assumed it was for someone who was "coming out" rather than a bunch of girls putting on lipstick and marking a guy's penis in a different spot. As for tossing salads, I had no comment on that one. Sometimes it's best to keep things private.

This Afternoon In Drama: The Mating Habits Of The Nerd

This is hilarious. I am voting for Yoanna. And how gay was Shandi's boyfriend? For the record, Tyra will never be the next Oprah. This Afternoon In Drama: The Mating Habits Of The Nerd

Tori Spelling's Registry

For those of you who have been enduring my countless emails regarding the wedding registry of Tori Spelling and the baby registry of Debra Messing, check out this hilarious piece in New Yorkish.

Meanwhile, please check out my own registry for my own imaginary wedding to George Charelton on http://ww1.williams-sonoma.com/reg/registrylist.cfm.

American Idol and America's Next Top Model Roundup

American Idol has finally kicked off it's real competition. This week I am voting for John Peter Lewis. Although Jasmine was the best, JPL reminds me of Beck. John Stevens, the ugly redhead, is my least favorite this week. I am crossing my fingers that he gets voted off the show tomorrow night. He sucks.

Meanwhile, America's Next Top Model is winding down and I was pleased that April who I am convinced is actually the same person as Tammy from The Apprentice was voted off.

Sunday Brunch Etiquette

Due to the horrible brunch date I had on Sunday, I now find it necessary to outline the following rules to determine the value of sleep versus a free meal on a date. To prevent the waste of time and general unpleasant atmosphere I experienced, please note that you will have to follow these rules to have the pleasure of my company for any upcoming brunches:

1. You must order something that can be chewed. Simply ordering a single espresso does not count as a meal.
2. If you have become a vegetarian since I last saw you, I don't want to hear about it.
3. Please think of conversation topics prior to the meal. Don't ask me boring questions such as "What adventures do you have planned?" because, frankly, you probably don't really want to know that answer and I'm not going to be honest, especially if I'm expecting you to pick up the tab. Also, asking me the same stupid question that you did five minutes ago is unacceptable.
4. Compliment me if I look nice, especially if I dragged my ass out of bed to meet you before noon on a Sunday.
5. I really don'ht want to hear your laundry list of activities for the next three months. If you are so busy that you feel the need to make excuses as to why you can't see me for another three months, don't bother to invite me to brunch in the first place. I have better things to do.
6. Don't throw a hissy fit when the waitress asks us to move to accommodate a larger party. They are just trying to make a buck, and if you have the nerve to order only a fucking single espresso, at least be appreciative of the hostess' business acumen.
7. Don't make cracks about how hard it is to live in the city for under six figures and about going to Milan to buy your fucking ugly clothes. I make under six figures and feel bad enough about that as it stands.
8. Don't pretend to go to the bathroom so that you can call one of your clients.