What to do When He's Not Into You

I just read one of those bland "How to Get Over Him" articles in the York Daily Record. (I know, I'm obsessed with my hometown newspaper.) This article is especially hilarious because the advice comes from my childhood shrink who my mother sent me to when I was a 8 so I wouldn't be fucked up when I got older. I would only speak to her through the use of a puppet. In any case, I found this article and now she is doling out love advice. Don't listen to her. Take mine:

1. Immediately after you receive the bad news that he either has another girlfriend, has serious mental problems, is gay or is simply still not over someone else, go home and start acting in a true state of irrational behavior and denial. Act crazy and call old boyfriends. Chain smoke, eat a pizza, pace your apartment and whatever you do, don't sleep.

2. Listen to the saddest song you can repeatedly for four hours straight. Call him on the phone and have nothing to say.

3. Be tired, defeated and melancholy. Feel full of regret. Go out with a friend who is or recently has been in your position and bitch and moan and feel sorry for yourselves. Let your self-esteem go rock bottom and be slightly self destructive. Do whatever you need to do to ensure that you start getting on your own nerves. For example, call the dumper and be mad at yourself for being so weak. Buy tons and tons of crap from target.com and eat a bucket of KFC. Whatever it is, wear yourself out and resolve that the next day you are not going to be an asshole anymore and if you can't be good to yourself, nobody else is going to be good to you.

4. Rebound. Have sex with someone you don't know very well. Make sure he is hotter than the guy that dumped you. Also make sure that you have nothing in common with this rebound dude because there is no way it's going to develop. Make sure you kick him out of your apartment after sex. This will take your mind off being dumped for at least 4 hours.

5. Dye your hair a new color. Hate it. Dye it back. Fight with your hairdresser. A week will fly by during your hair crisis.

6. Start making tons and tons of social plans, bitch in your blog and drive your girlfriends crazy.

7. Start a major diet. Ask yourself repeatedly if the real reason he dumped you, is perhaps because you are fat. Lose 7 pounds in one week.

8. Walk down the street repeating to yourself, "I am one hot piece of ass," and try to believe it.