Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Desperately Seeking Sanity

I am seeking a new man to take me into 2005. Here is what I'm looking for in a potential date. In my heart, I fear he doesn't exist.

1. Married men need not apply. This includes men who are recently separated or who have not seemed to settle their differences with their ex-spouses.
2. Please live in one city, unless you have the funds and time to entertain me in all of your homes.
3. Please do not have any kind of erectile dysfunction. I am in my prime.
4. Please return phone calls or call when you say you will call.
5. If you don't eat meat, don't apply.
6. Despite not being an vegetarian, please like animals and be kind to them. I live with one.
7. Please do not have any upcoming scheduled appearances in any of my favorite media outlets, because if things don't work out with us, I don't want the image of you to ruin my favorite TV show, magazine, song, etc.
8. Please do not plan on leaving town for over a month after our first date. (See #2).
9. If you are a neat freak, it will not work out.
10. Please do not have any current substance abuse problems.

Is this asking for too much?

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