Friday, September 24, 2004

The Surreal Life According to Mom

It's been a long time since I interviewed my favorite television critic, my mother. My mother is a 60-year-old self-described "educator" who lives in York, PA. I interviewed her to discuss VH1's TV sensation The Surreal Life. By the way, I am so watching the AllHipHop.com : News">spin-off.

NYC: So, did you watch The Surreal Life?
MOM: What am I supposed to say? I hate all these people.
NYC: What do you think about Brigitte Neilson?
MOM: She's a drunk and she's nuts.
NYC: Do you know that she says she's in her early 40's?
MOM: What? Didn't you see her in those tight pants? That's an old-woman's body. All that stuff hanging out.
NYC: She says she's in her early 40's.
MOM: No way. I don't think so. How old is Sly now? He's over 50.
NYC: If you lived in the house with Brigitte and she was walking around naked in front of you, what would you do?
MOM: I'd be disgusted and I'd move out. She's funny looking and bizarre.
NYC: Do you like the feeling of water getting into your clothes?
MOM: No, I don't like getting cold right away.
NYC: Who would you share a room with from the Surreal Life?
MOM: Ryan Starr. She seems the most normal. I sure don't want to room with that farter from the New Kids.
NYC: As an educator, if Flavor Flav had his own children's TV show, would you let your students watch it?
MOM: Absolutely not. He's not a good role model. To tell you the truth, I don't know who Flavor Flav is or what he does. I never heard of him.
NYC: Do you think Flavor Flav and Brigitte make a good couple?
MOM: No. Just No.
NYC: Did you know that they are creating a spin-off show where they will travel cross country together?
MOM: Good luck to the both of them.
NYC: Do you prefer gold teeth or platinum teeth?
MOM: I guess platinum. They are not quite as obvious. I hate gold teeth.
I really hate them.
NYC: Which language do you speak better? Charo or Flavor Flav?
MOM: First of all, I hate Charo. I hate her accent. I hate all that cuchi cuchi shit. Johnny Carson used to have her on all the time and I hated her then. She's truly and always annoying.
NYC: So, you speak Flavor Flav better?
MOM: Yeah, I speak ghetto.
NYC: I didn't know you spoke ghetto.
MOM: Yeah, I understand most of it.
NYC: But if you are so ghetto-fabulous, how is it you never even heard of Public Enemy or Flavor Flav?
MOM: Let's just say I have more contact with the ghetto than wherever the hell Charo is from. Is it Portugal? Let me repeat. I hate Charo.
NYC: Do you think that you will watch this show again?
MOM: I couldn't even watch it until the end. I have to watch my tape of Guiding Light now. I don't understand this show. I don't know who these people are and it all just means nothing to me.

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