For those of you who have been following my self-imposed hair crises over the past three decades, I am in the process of dealing with full-blown disaster. This current episode has completely put me over the edge making me think irrationally and compulsively and forcing me to do anything to distract myself from admitting that I HATE MY FUCKING HAIR. Starting with the current disaster, here is a list of all previous hair meltdowns.
No More Sex in the City Hair Crisis (2004)
I was reading an issue of In Touch and decided that I liked Sarah Jessica Parker's brownish hair. I also like Reese Witherspoon's newly brunette locks. Then I asked some guy who just dumped me if he thought I should keep it blonde or dye it brown and because he answered "blonde", I made the final decision to go dark. I mean I've had a rough couple of weeks and I thought that perhaps I could simply change into someone new and transform my life with darker hair. This move was especially stupid, because I'm not having fun and the dark roots have ruined my sunny disposition. I am hoping to have this fixed ASAP and left hysterical messages for the guy who told me to keep it blonde and also on the salon's answering machine. Neither parties have returned my calls.
Mrs. Brady Hair Crisis (1998)
I had been very happy with my hair for years, but I made the fatal mistake of dating my Japanese hair stylist which, of course, went nowhere, and left me without anyone to cut my hair. I started seeing someone new at Warren Tricomi (who I still see to this day elsewhere for cuts), and one day he went crazy on my hair and cut into this fucked up style where it was short all the way around except for two long pieces down the front. That also happened to be the day that I had a work photo ID taken to remind me of this disaster. I went home and cried and my friend Adam said, "Oooh, Mrs. Brady" which forced me to immediately call the salon and schedule a "recut." Weeks later I ran into my old stylist/boyfriend on the street and he looked at me very sadly and said, "I see you are seeing someone new." He didn't mean me, he meant my hair.
Lost Highway Hair Crisis (1997)
After seeing Lost Highway, I had the crazy notion that like Patricia Arquette's character, I would radically transform myself overnight into another person. This time, I went from brunette to platinum blonde. Being so compulsive, I employed my friend Adam who worked at Soap Opera digest to oversee the process. I ended up with carpet-beige colored locks and a burnt scalp. Adam apologized, "Just because I'm gay, doesn't mean I can do hair!" The only good thing about this disaster was that it taught me to pay a hair colorist.
Disaster Place Hair Crisis (1994)
Broke and in graduate school, I made the terrible mistake of going to Astor Place. I had been growing out my hair and it was driving me crazy so I did an Astor walk-in and told them to cut it all off. Originally priced at around $10, I ended up having it cost a lot more at Bumble and Bumble where I went to have it fixed. The Japanese hairdress asked, "Who Cut Hair? Look like salad bowl?" I ended up dating him for free hair cuts.
Joan Jett Hair Crisis (1987)
My first hair crisis was so severe that many classmates refer to it in my senior high school year book. My stylist of the time named Pitella (one name) decided to transform my sweet curly permed Madonna locks into the rock and roll look of Joan Jett. Needless to say, I hated it and actually stayed home sick for two days and wore a hat until it growth out. I don't wear lesbian rock and roller very well.