Over the past two weeks, I've had at least 10 strange men on the street yell, "Hey, Shorty" at me when I walk by. I'm not sure what this means. The hip-hop dictionary defines the term as, "affectionate term for a girlfriend, attractive female or concubine." I, however, am not sure if there are other implications of this term and if I should be insulted the next time I'm walking home from the gym in my leggings and some guy smoking pot on a bench says to me, "What's up, Shorty?" Do you have to be short to be called "Shorty?" Do you have to be showing a lot of ass? Does the person addressing you have to be stoned, homeless or crazy? Is it a threatening word or is it like being whistled at? What is the proper response?
Last fall, I mocked a friend who left successful urban lifestyle to take up with a hay farmer in Oregon. I then found out many women I knew were making this same choice. I called this trend Green Acreing. Well, I spent some time this past weekend in Kennebunkport, and I'm considering taking up with an eccentric gentleman who lives up there. He's not a farmer, but an artist who is a man of means and doesn't need to work for money. I'm not sure if I pursue this opportunity, if I will be actually green acreing, or if this is a different kind of choice all together.
This weekend, I'll be in Maine attending the wedding of my good friend Chris to my new friend Laura. Chris is an A+ man so this is a loss to single women everywhere. Thank God Laura is cool. I'm staying in a remote motel called the Fontenoy Terrace. If I never blog again, I'm trapped up in Kennebunkport in this scary Bates motel. Please come and rescue Max if I don't come back next week.
This week Katie Holmes was spotted out with baby daddy Tom Cruise in low-cut jeans and a midriff bearing top exposing her stretch marks. Again, this is not a joke, but a real photo.
I don't know what bloated oil heir Brandon Davis and Paris Hilton have against Lindsay Lohan, but that is the nastiest video I have ever seen. I don't have any great love for Lohan, but this video makes me hate Davis and Hilton. Money sure as hell doesn't buy class. From an artistic point, this video could have been directed by Scorcese circa Goodfellas. >
This weekend I am going to a wedding in Kennebunkport of my old college friend. Another mutual friend of ours named Bruce lives in Kennebunkport, so I thought I'd give him a call and tell him that I was coming to town to see if he wanted to have dinner on Friday night. The the thing is, when I called, he didn't remember me which was odd considering we spent quite a bit of 1991 in each other's company. When he told me that he couldn't place me, I didn't know what to say, so I expressed that I was calling to see if he wanted to have dinner since I'd be in town but it was pointless since he didn't remember me. He answered that it's been 15 years, so he doesn't really remember anyone from that time. But, he said that he would like to have dinner anyway so now I am scheduled for a meal with someone who forgot all about me. I just went through my photo albums and I have pages and pages of photos of us together, so I can't figure this all out. I don't know if this counts as a blind date or a remeeting or what. And, I don't have any idea what to wear.
I have this rule that after a date, a man has three business days to call me. If a man does not call me within 3 business days of a date, I write him off and move on to the next. I, however, am not sure if this rule translates to situations aside from traditional dates. Here are some questionable situations that I am unsure how many business days apply until my mental write-off:
1. Man is ex boyfriend who I run into on the street, end up drinking bottle-service whiskey at a club with a bunch of Brazilians and wake up half undressed in his bed the next day at 4:00PM... 2. Man is a former high school flame who has become a rock star and while on tour in the city accosts me in public... 3. Man is guy who comes over to seduce me, insults the cleanliness of my apartment and then disappears....
I don't want to waste the pretty, but I at the same time, I don't want to lose some interesting possibilities....
This video is fascinating for so many reasons. Jane is pissed, Joan still had Edger and the rest are all strung out and yet, it represents a happier more innocent period of our past.
This past week was full of bottle service. For those of you outside the city, bottle service is when you are at a table at a party at a club and they leave you with your own overpriced bar for the price of saving you some seats. For example, you can reserve a table with bottle service promising to pay $100 for a $25 bottle of booze and some cheap mixers. Sometimes they might include some fruit or sometimes you can pay for caviar. I've never actually seen the tab for bottle service, but last night, my friend was trying to figure out the etiquette for being part of a bottle service party. Who do you thank and what do you say? I, however, am not sure if bottle service is really not about the alcohol, but a price for entrance. Or, I think that if you are famous enough someone else in paying for the bottle service and the person to thank won't even be present. In any case, I'm happy to be home drinking diet Coke out of the bottle straight from the fridge.
What rock star popular in the 90s hit on a sexy blogger Thursday night confessing perhaps he should have made his move on her tenth grade at the Sadie Hawkins Dance and both of their lives could have turned out completely differently and then heinvited her up to her hotel room? She declined, but now that she's up past 2:00 AM and has to get up early for work this moring, she's wishing they would have both been much braver adolescents...
In what has to be the best gossip, I've heard in a long time, Jennifer Anniston supposedly wants to buy Mr. T's house located in Illinois so she can live closer to Vince Vaughn. Man, I wish I could buy Mr. T's house. First of all, a few years ago he pissed off all his neighbors by cutting down all the trees in his yard because they were affecting his allergies. Plus, I wouldn't even have to decorate because I imagine the interior is so opulent that I wouldn't want to touch it. I picture shiny gold chandeliers in every room. Plus, I think living in the positive karma of Mr. T would bring luck to any woman.
For those of you who didn't waste two hours of your life watching David Blaine try to hold his breath, here's what happened:
New York - After spending seven days living underwater in a giant goldfish bowl US stunt artist David Blaine failed Monday in a world record attempt at holding his breath underwater.
Blaine, whose previous stunts included fasting for 44 days in 2003 in an box suspended high over London's River Thames, held his breath for 7:08 minutes. The world record of 8:58 minutes is held by Germany's Tom Sietas.
Immersed Blaine managed to remove two of his handcuffs and was attempting to free himself from chains when he had to be pulled from the snow globe-like tank by divers.
His stunt in the plaza of Manhattan's Lincoln Centre for the Performing Arts was broadcast by the ABC television network as part of its campaign to nab viewers in a ratings period that determines advertising rates throughout the year.
Blaine's effort had been hampered by liver problems and sores all over his body caused by his week-long immersion in water.
INSPIRED BY POSEIDON AND DAVID BLAINE, WE ATTEMPT TO BREAK THE WORLD RECORD FOR THE LONGEST UNDERWATER PODCAST FROM A HOT TUB...
• How long can we hold our breath? Will Rachel beat David Blaine?
• Will we get electrocuted first by the microphone in the hot tub?
• Can we create a new Pussy Posse for the new millenium?
• Will all the background noise make you feel like you have to pee?
As always, this, and EVERY, BEWARE OF THE BABYLON podcast can be automatically downloaded to your computer and transferred to your iPod through iTunes.
Because the lack of reporting from the local papers, I had to search random myspace blogs to find out the winner of Saturday Night's Junior Miss program. As I predicted, overachieving Karin Tsai won. Here is the review:
Congrats to Karin, if you don't know she won Junior Miss. In other words, Junior Miss was ok really long and funny. People should show there talents off to people that will tell the truth, the snare drum girl was...like the girl who did the poem reading...which was like the girl that did like the opening to a play...which was like the girl that had a little Wizard of Oz connection to her speech for her teacher lol. I need to work on Physics today, or I can just let it go but my answers will all be wrong, what else...I still need to get a tux, I need to do something else but it never seems to work out right, I need to call the Vikings club about a job, other than that I think I am doing great.
Today I spent vicariously trying to figure out what it would be like to be drowned alive. First I went to a screening of Poseiden which was full of drowning action, but little character development. Afterwards, Tod and I went to see David Blaine drowning alive in his sphere located in Lincoln Center. Tomorrow night Blaine is going to hold his breath for nine minutes while escaping from chains and handcuffs. The real magic for me is figuring out where his pee goes.
I was very sad to learn today that Fred Gentile of Saxonburg, PA passed away this week. Fred was my grandfather's best friend and when my grandfather died, Fred created the H.L. Shearer Sporting and Literary Society in his honor. When I read the obituary, I was touched that the society is still in existence. Fred was a good man and a fine host at his hotel. I hope Fred and my grandfather Hugh Shearer have been reunited in heaven and are up there hunting ducks, drinking JD and reading good books together.
Alfred "Fred" Gentile, 63, of Saxonburg died Wednesday at his home. Born Sept. 15, 1942, in Tarentum, he was the son of Domenic Gentile and the late Jean Carlaccini Gentile. He was a 1960 graduate of Tarentum High School and a 1964 graduate of Washington & Jefferson College. In 1966, he received his master's degree in business administration from Penn State University. Mr. Gentile was commissioned as a second lieutenant in the Army in 1966 and served 13 months in Vietnam with the 109th Infantry Brigade. He was awarded the Silver Star; four Bronze Stars, three with "V" Device and one with an Oak Leaf Cluster; the Purple Heart, the Army Air Medal, the Army Commendation Medal, the Vietnam Campaign Medal and the National Defense Medal. In August 2000, his football jersey was retired from Washington & Jefferson College, and he was honored with the naming of the Eaton-Gentile Hall Champions building at W & J. He was owner of the Hotel Saxonburg since 1975. He was founder of the Saxonburg Festival of the Arts and founder and member of the H.L. Shearer Sporting and Literary Society. He also was a member of the Phi Kappa Psi fraternity and enjoyed hunting, fishing and sporting clays. Surviving are his wife, Carolyn Athey Gentile, whom he married July 2, 1966; two daughters, Cara Lynn Gentile of Philadelphia and Amy Gentile Crowdis and her husband, Paul Crowdis of Fort Worth, Texas; and a grandson, Braden Stemley. He also is survived by his father of Natrona Heights, and a brother, Gary Gentile of Pittsburgh. GENTILE - Friends of Alfred "Fred" Gentile, who died Wednesday, May 3, 2006, will be received from 7 to 9 p.m. today and from 2 to 4 and 7 to 9 p.m. Friday at the Fox Funeral Home, 410 W. Main St., Saxonburg. Services will be at 11 a.m. Saturday at the funeral home with the Rev. John Rebel officiating. Burial will follow at Arlington National Cemetery. Memorial donations may be made to the H.L. Shearer Sporting and Literary Society, c/o SK Operating Inc., 309 S. Pike Road, Sarver, PA 16055; or to the Saxonburg Area Library, P.O. Box 454, Saxonburg, PA 16056.
This is a photo of my new bff Marcia Gay Harden at the Met's Costume Gala held earlier this week. I'm not sure if MGH is trying to channel Debbie Mazar or Barbie. In any case, this dress was a major mistake. Marcia, we're friends now. Give me a call and I'll advise you on what to wear to your next gala.
Click here to see one of the best product marketing campaign I've encounted in years. Norelco is capitalizing on the shaved balls trend and actually developed a microsite dedicated to smooth male bodies. If this is the kind of direction Norelco is taking, I'm sending in my resume. Click here to check this out. Be sure to watch the music video.
Todd and Rachel get Trumped in this special BEWARE OF THE BABYLON podcast recorded live from Trump Tower...
• Is Trump Tower the next "Blueberry Hill?"
• What is Tony Soprano's secret?
• Why is the York County Junior Miss Program good for Evolution?
• Who is Rachel bitching out this week?
• Where is the best place to buy infant gangsta clothing?
As always, this, and EVERY, BEWARE OF THE BABYLON podcast can be automatically downloaded to your computer and transferred to your iPod through iTunes.
Last year the Junior Miss board of directors announced that the program was closing. Of course, people went nuts and the program is back due to grassroots efforts. This Saturday the local York County Junior Miss program will celebrate 41 years. It seems, however, that the program has become much less competitive and they will let anyone in who applies. Back in my day, York County Junior Miss was competitive and you had to have real talent to make the cut. I had close friends who didn't make it and I still think they harbor some resentment till this day. Although I'm glad it's back, I do not think reciting a poem like that broad from Dover (the creationism school disctict) cuts it. I urge you to go to this link and meet the contestants.
I'm back and after a few weeks of steroids, Asthmanex and Singular, I'm feeling better. Here is what is up for the week: 1. Get to know the new boss. 2. Tuesday breast biopsy 3. Caroline's bday party 4. Makeup sort 5. See Joe's kittens 6. Take old clothes to Salvation Army 7. Date with Fawlty Towers 8. Record podcast 9. Read old magazines 10. Watch Netflix movies finally
Rachel and Todd get all emotional this week and ponder: questions, like:
• Is Rachel turning into an old man who eats pie?
• Who is the black Tom Cruise?
• Did you have a bad day?
• What is the best way to prepare placenta?
• Are we now, or have we ever been "emo?"
As always, this, and EVERY, BEWARE OF THE BABYLON podcast can be automatically downloaded to your computer and transferred to your iPod through iTunes.
As I was perusing my old hometown paper, The York Daily Record, I saw an advertisement for a guy named Raymond the Amish Comic. Here is a clip of his act. Frankly, when I see this, I realize I should have stayed in comedy, because this guy sucks. I used to do a joke about how I was an Amish Jew which was better than this.
I'm having some technical issues where I can't post photos. In any case, I'm back from the wedding and MJ Cat is happy to have me back. I went on a big week of dates last week and this week I will be home alone and dedicated to the blog and the podcast. Frankly, I'm sick of dating and men and trying to act normal and be charming. It's exhausting. I had a meltdown at the allergist on Thursday when the doctor told me I still am not breathing properly. I told her I felt fine, and that I think that this allergist thing is a big racket. As punishment, she put me on steroids. I told her I didn't want to get all moonfaced like Mattew Perry, but she didn't think that was very funny. Also, I am sick of Trader Joe's and need a week off that stuff too. I did find out that Jared Paul Stern's gf Snoodles is now actually his wife and they live in some kind of manor upstate. He's also not much older than I am, but I hope I look younger than he does in his recent photos. I'd show a photo, but blogger won't let me upload any for some crazy reason. I also have a photo of Max's supposed catsitter Liam with David Johanson and Iggy Pop, but I can't upload that either. I think he didn't show up this weekend to see Max because Max was drinking out of a half-empty mug and there was litter all over the floor. I'm going to bed now.
I'm off to a wedding and this week has been a whirlwind of craziness. I never got to comment that Suri Cruise is a pretty stupid name. I can't believe TomKat didn't pick Ronnie or something like that. Plus, I hate names where it can be translated into different convenient meanings depending on the language. Suri supposedly can be translated into rose in Hebrew or princess in Persian or Clone in English.
As you can see from this photo, I've been out and about and unable to blog. Here I am with newly single Russell Simmons at a Conde Nast Traveler party this evening at Buddha Bar. Unfortunately, I was unable to capture my Marcia Gay Harden moment where she made a beeline for me away from Dennis Quaid and proclaimed, "I've been watching you dance. You look great." Wyndham witnessed this bizarre moment and can testify that this really happened. Below is a photo from tonight of MGH with Quaid prior to her approaching me. Lindsay Lohan, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Mandy Moore were also there but unfortunately I did not interact or have any photos taken with them. Sarah Jessica, however, copied me and wore polka dots.
Tonight I was supposed to go on a blind date set up by a mysterious woman named Karen. She was instrumental in connecting me with a friend of hers and she's been working on this for almost a year. At first I was suspicious and paranoid, because women usually are not so eager to fix up other women. But after I received an email from the man, we decided to talk on the phone and I do have to say Karen was right, we made an instant connection and had two exciting conversations. We agreed to meet tonight and when he called me to make the arrangements, he said he wanted to go for a drive. I responded that I wasn't comfortable getting in the car with him since I didn't know him and he said I was too "old school for him" and called off the date right there and then. He then told me that I made him angry and that he couldn't talk to me anymore. So, we broke up before we even met if that is possible, but perhaps that is all for the best.
Paris Hilton wishes Hef a happy bday in this video. Paris might be richer and thinner than most of us, but most of us definitely beat her in the class department.
It's Passover and I've spent the entire day vomitting from what either is food poisoning from a bad clam or a new allergy to shellfish. So, if you are at a seder, enjoy some matzoh ball soup for me.
Fuck. My biopsy report came up inconclusive and I have to go back for ANOTHER test where they will suck more tissue out of my tit. Not only does this literally suck, it hurts. I had too much sangria tonight and I got this upsetting letter from Max's vet that she has to suddenly leave town for mysterious reasons. Today has been a sad crazy-ass day.
• Ellen’s music-trivia game multiple choice answer.
As always, this, and EVERY, BEWARE OF THE BABYLON podcast can be automatically downloaded to your computer and transferred to your iPod through iTunes.
As an avid New York gossip reader since I subscribed to the Voice back in the 80s in York, PA, my friends keep calling me asking my opinion on the Jared Paul Stern scandal. For those of you not in the loop, JPS is being investigated by the FBI for taking bribes from billionaire Ron Burkle for "protection" from being mentioned on Page 6.
Frankly, I never found his scoop all that dishy. His ridiculous posturing with that stupid hat always distracted me from any of his gossip credibility. Also, he's always bragging that he graduated from Bennington. I just never thought Bennington was worth bragging about especially if you graduate and end up as a sixth-rate Brett Easton Ellis. In the 90s, he'd attend the cutting of any ribbon and I think he even once showed up at a party I threw.
What I found most annoying about JPS was his relationship with his girlfriend Snoodles. I don't know if Snoodles was his beard or if they are even still together, but on Sunday evenings at the Printing House Pool roof, JPS and Snoodles would actually bring a picnic and dine as if they were on a mountain top in St. Moritz. JPS also included mentions of Snoodles in his column. I always felt disappointed running into them on the street, because neither of them was as fabulous as JPS wanted to believe.
I do feel sorry for him because it sucks to have the FBI tarnishing your half-assed career. But, I think good gossips must remain low pro or they will become a target themselves. Next time, take your picnic in the park.
(This is a corrected version of a previous post, as Urban Crank correctly reminded me that JPS's gf is named Snoodles, and not Bubbles. On another topic, Ambien has ruined some part of my memory.)
To celebrate ABC's remake of the Ten Commandments airing tonight on ABC, Gwyneth Paltrow has named her named her new baby Moses. I think Moses is a solid name. If I were to marry Todd, I would want to name our baby Moses Sokolove which would be a very solid name. Or if Wyndham wanted to get married, I could name the baby Moses Stopford which also has a very nice ring to it. It's too bad these dudes are gay.
It's been awhile since I last blogged, but I wanted to report that last week I saw my vet the great Mary Xanthos and she gave me a clean bill of cat health. I even lost a pound since my last checkup! My complexion is still not so great, and I have a couple of cat zits on my chin, but she said I don't need to worry about that. My owner is waiting to hear from her vet today. I hope she's OK.
I went to Trader Joe's for my third week in a row and wanted to update you on the products I have sampled. Last week, I spent $30 and this week I spent $22. I will also include products I have purchased again from my previous post.
1. Pretzels filled with peanut butter--When I went to check out the cashier informed me that I would want the salted pretzels rather than the unsalted which I threw into my cart. He then rang a big brass bell and someone switched out the salted for me. I have to confess, these are pretty tasty, but not worth ringing a brass bell. 2. Pita Chips--I bought more of these. Max likes them too. 4. Bottled Green Tea--I am hooked on the green tea. I might have to get a case and have it delivered. 5. Chili-covered dried mango--I tried these and I am not sure I will buy these again. 6. Frozen flounder stuffed with crabmeat--I was hoping this would taste like the variety served at the Ember's in York, PA, but it did not. 7. Wild Rice--I prefer Uncles Bens. This variety was tasteless. 8. Bagged herb salad--I have bought this weekly. 9. Frozen Mandarin Chicken--I thought this would be a microwaveable dish, but I had to fry it up in my wok. It was kind of tasty though and I didn't have to wait for delivery. 10. Meatballs and Penne-I got this in the prepared aisle, and it was better than the Gourmet Garage version. I wanted this again tonight, but they were out. 11. Thai chicken--I also bought this out of the prepared aisle and it was good. I like the way the fresh meals are proportioned to meet Weight Watchers standards. 12. Thai-flavored lime and hot pepper peanuts--These have been my favorite purchase since last week. I like a spicy peanut. 13. Hawaiian styled BBQ Chips--I like these tasty potato chips and will be looking for them again. 14. Teriyaki Turkey Jerky--Delish low-point treat! 15. Apple breakfast bars--I like these when I'm on the go in the morning! I will buy more of these when I run out. 16. Low fat Balsamic Dressing--This goes very nicely with the Herb Salad Mix.
These are products I have purchased, but not tried. 1. Garlic mashed potatoes 2. Frozen Waffles 3. Frozen Meatballs 4. Frozen seafood mix 5. Frozen BBQ chicken 6. Classic Hummus
When I first saw the ad for TLC's new program "Shalom in the Home," I was intrigued about a reality TV show featuring a rabbi driving coast to coast helping people sort out their personal problems through his good will.
I, however, then realized that the rabbi spreading Shalom all over the US is press-whore Rabbi Shmuley Boteach who positions himself as a "family and relationship counselor."
Aside from finding the Oxford University L'Chaim Society, Rabbi Shmuley came into pop culture consciousness with his book "Kosher Sex" and his weird friendship with Michael Jackson. Shmuley even once interviewed at this crazy dot-com I worked for in the late 90s and when I met him, I didn't really get a real sense of Shalom.
So, now I don't think I'll watch Shalom in the Home. Rabbi Shmuley jumped the shark years ago.
I work closely with this man who can't seem to get my name right. He is always calling me by the wrong name. While I think he's just a sexist pig, I don't like this. When you work with people, it is especially important to address your coworkers by their proper names. I hate blogging about work, but I must advise all those of you with corporate jobs to take the time to remember people's names.
The diagram above will explain why I don't feel much like blogging today. If you ever have a large needle sucking out cells out of your left tit, I recommend to take a friend with you for some emotional support. I made the mistake of going alone.
Today was a crazy day. Someone I work for gave notice and I don't think it was the most graceful exit and it wasn't her fault. I don't understand how in today's economy and environment, companies take it so personally if someone leaves for more money or a better opportunity. If the company was that concerned, they would take care of their people on the offense rather than trying to give to little too late on a reactionary basis.
For the record, the day we turn the clock back is one of my least favorite days of the year. On a good note, I had two very good dates this weekend. I don't think I came across as a freak or the weirdo that I normally am and the men at least both pretended to show some interest. The Spring is normally the period where I pick up the most men. I wonder if men lose their guard due the hour that they lost due to that loss of the hour for Daylight Savings Time. Or maybe I've still got it.
Today has been a confusing day. Aside from the bizarre photo of Terri Hatcher kissing gay Ryan Seacrest, other mind boggling things are going down...
1. What does T want from me at work? Why can't he communicate like a normal human being? 2. Is the allergist going to charge me for my visit despite that I had a cold and he couldn't administer my weekly shot? 3. When will the Trader Joe's fad die and the shelves be fully stocked? 4. Which brunch should I attend for Erik's wedding?
It's been a week since I made my first trip to Trader Joe's. For years, I've had friends from the West Coast bragging out Trader Joe's and I never understood what the fuss was about. I've always been a Jefferson Market/Gourmet Garage type of a girl. As most of my good friends know, I'm slightly obsessed with grocery stores. My sister once witnessed the time I had to go to at least ten stores to find the perfect cut of chicken wings to make for a party. I still don't get all the fuss about Whole Foods. Last Friday after a trip to the allergist, I decided to stop at TJ's on the way home. I even stood in line for five minutes to get into the store. Well, I've been enjoying my purchases for a week, and I have to confess, I can't wait to go back to that store. The food was cheap and delicious. The shelves were slightly picked over and there were some things I wanted to try, but the cashier told me I had to get to store before noon to get such items as tandoori flavored papadam. Here is a list of my latest purchases. I spent approximately $30. 1. Whole Grain Pretzels-Standard pretzel taste. 2. Chickpea Salad--I am kind of hooked on the chickpea salad. 3. Pita Chips--I used to buy Stacy's Pita Chips at Gourmet Garage, but these are just as good and half the price. 4. Bottled Green Tea--Cheaper than the Ito and just as good. Green tea is green tea. 5. Chili-covered dried mango--I haven't tried this yet. 6. Chicken Potstickers--I ate these for dinner last weekend and they were delicious with some Worcestershire sauce. 7. Frozen seafood mix--I haven't tried this yet, but Jen S. bought the same item and made a nice seafood salad out of it. 8. Low-fat Cat Cookies: I got a tub of these cookies and they are not only delicious and low-fat, but they are shaped like cats! 9. Yogurt--I tried the key like and it made a nice dessert. I have two more flavors to try in the fridge. 10. Premade wild rice--I haven't tried this yet. 11. Turkey Chili--I tried the canned turkey chili last night and although it made me fart like crazy all night, it was tasty. 12. Bagged herb salad--I always add my own dill and parsley, so it was nice to find this salad that includes these herbs. It was also cheaper than the Dole or Fresh Express mixes.
Now, that I have my land legs back, I have some big universe questions that need to be answered. 1. If a friend is romantically involved with someone who is not right for her or him, should you express your opinion? 2. Will these allergy shots EVER work? 3. Does Max miss me when I go away? 4. Is the laundromat liable for ruining your laundry? 5. Is Simon Cowell hot or not?
Today, a Carnival owned ship caught on fire killing a passenger. I was held hostage on a Carnival ship over the weekend in San Juan. The Carnival cruise company is disorganized and operates faulty equipment. Do not go on a Carnival Cruise or you are putting your life in danger. Carnival sucks and has terrible customer service. You can die or disappear on a Carnival Cruise. This is not a joke.
One week ago, I had a chance to leave it all behind, stay in Barbados and take up with a Rasta named Rebel. Life might have been better had I made that choice.
Tonight was the start of a week of dates I was supposed to have with a gentleman caller in from Paris. Unfortunately or fortunately, he was way too fat, bitter and rich for me to have anything move forward. The worst part is that prior to seeing me is that he's been out with Naomi Campbell and Miss Columbia. I think my week of dates ended up one date on a Wednesday.
I worry that perhaps he might have been more disappointed than I. To cheer us all up, please watch this video of Liza going crazy last week on Larry King.
While I still decompress from my disaster at sea, I am going through my videos and photos remembering the good times we had last week. One of the highlights of the trip was visiting the beautiful island of Dominica. While in Dominica, Kristen caught the eye of a local character named Mr. Nice. Mr. Nice operates a fruit stand where he offers free fruit in exchange for tips. Below is a video of a duet between Kristen and Mr. Nice.
I'm finally back from my ordeal at sea. I have a lot to report, but first I need to sweep up all this fur, litter and Iam's cat chows strewn all over the floor.
I will repeat TO NEVER TAKE A CARNIVAL CRUISE. They have the worst customer service I have ever encountered. I understand how people can disappear off a ship based on their lack of organization, faulty equipment and inaccurate records.
My owner should have been home by now and I'm worried.
Last night they showed the new trailer for Poseidon on Access Hollywood and that totally didn't help.
Not that I'm worried about her safety on the cruise, but why do they keep remaking movies that were purrfectly fine in the first place.
Wasn't the That Darn Cat remake with Christina Ricci bad enough?
Really, I cough furballs at you people and your movie remakes. If you ever remake The Cat From Outer Space I shall claw your eyes and suck out your breath.
While Max seems to be enjoying himself, I am writing stranded in San Juan. Our boat broke down and we were held hostage on the Carnival Destiny until late last night. Getting off the boat was like Schindler's List meets the New Orleans Superdome. After a minor meltdown, Carnival refugees are being held in a Marriott. We can't get out until tomorrow so MJ has one more day of freedom. All I can say, NEVER TAKE A CARNIVAL CRUISE. Carnival totally sucks and has the worst customer service ever. If I didn't fake having a asthma attack and exploit myself as a "journalist," we'd still be on the damned boat. Other than that, we're having a fabulous time. Now, I'm off for a walking tour of Old San Juan.
Within seconds of my owner's departure for her vacation I decided to have my own Lazy Sunday in the city and see what all the fuss was about with these Magnolia Bakery cupcakes.
I didn't have any money on me, so I swiped a few when nobody was looking, and you know what? They are pretty good. Not catnip good, mind you, but pretty good nevertheless.
A quick stop into Marc Jacobs on my way back was fruitless though. Nothing at all in my size.
While I am away on my cruise, I have asked MJ Cat to guest edit this blog. Please check in daily to see how the cats play when the people are away. While I'm exploring the Southern Caribbean, MJ Cat will be filling you in and keeping himself busy during his long lonely days. Be sure to comment to keep him occupied!
I couldn't blog last night because I was roller skating at the Roxy. I don't think I've been at an actual roller rink since around 1982. Growing up, I used to spend weekends at Roll-R-Way which burnt to the ground in the early 80s. I actually watched it burn down as I was exiting the York Mall with my mother. I vividly remember watching my fond childhood memories go up in flames that day. The scary thing about the Roxy was that there are older people there who never stopped skating. Also, people are drinking which adds an element of danger. My coworker Malcolm actually ended up in the hospital with multiple fracture. So, if you go skating at the Roxy, be careful. Drinking and skating don't mix. See my video above.
This photo of Jake Gyllenhaal making faces behind Ang Lee and Uma Thurman cracks me up. Actually, this photo made me kind of like Jake again.
Anyway, did anyone else read that news story today that Madonna's daughter Lourdes is now obsessed with gay people? I can't find the link, but Lourdes asked Madonna if she was a lesbian because she kissed Britney Spears. Madonna said something about how she was a momma pop star passing on her energy to the baby pop star which I thought was a genius response. Then Madonna said that Lourdes is obsessed with pointing out who is gay. Isn't Lourdes like under the age of 10? What is she learing in her fancy Kabbalah school anyway?
There is nothing I can say about this photo with Lindsay Lohan and Sharon Stone at a post-Oscar party that you probably aren't already thinking except that Sharon Stone just hasn't been right since her stroke. Even Lindsay looks nervous to be around her.
I've decided to blog each hour about my Oscar thoughts.
So far, I think Jessica Alba is best dressed and Helena Bonham Carter is the worst. I was most excited to see Meryl Streep looking fabulous. I couldn't figure out why Keanu Reeves looks weird. Leonard Maltin was too smiley. Keira Knightly needs better posture. Felicity Huffman is too old for that dress while Reese is too young for her outfit. Jennifer Aniston looks nice but is boring and what is the deal with Sandra Bullock and her pocket dress?
Jon Stewart is sucking. He is not funny and is way in over his head with this gig.
8:00 OK, the awards are starting.
Dolly Parton for some reason reminds me of Prince. I am not sure this is good or bad.
Naomi Watts looks horrible. I guess the Golden Monkey Liev Schreiber didn't get a chance to tell her to not wear that horrible dress.
When can I see a better look at JLo?
What happened to Luke Wilson and why is he so fat?
9:05 I just won my first Oscar for those of you not watching.
What the hell is going on here with Lauren Bacall? Todd always loves the moment in all awards show where some old person comes onstage and looks as if he or she is about to drop dead at any moment. This person for this show is Lauren Bacall.
My senior prom dress had a big bow on the shoulder just like the one on the dress of Charlize Theron. This was in 1989.
9:23 I love the moment of the Oscars where someone apologizes for not speaking English. That just happened as March of the Penguins wins.
Oh JLo is in olive! I kind of like the color olive but JLo has lost her star power.
9:38 I am starting to get bored. The Oscars are kind of getting self-congratulatory in these crazy montages.
9:42 I am missing Debbie Allen a little bit right now as the president speaks. I wish this could have all been said in a dance number. I love when Selma Hayak comes out. She looks much better than last year. She should, however, apologize for her English.
10:00 Jessica Alba looks good. My friend Diane thinks she looks trashy, but I don't know how you could say that about someone who looks that fabulous. Sometimes I question Diane's taste.
MJ loves Meryl Streep.
10:24 It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp was the most exciting musical performance since Elliot Smith performed Miss Misery. This is also the best Oscar acceptance speech of the night. My favorite Oscar winning song is I'm Easy from Nashville.
10:27 I wish Garner would have fallen. Do some stars arrive late on purpose? Where has she been hiding all night and where is Affleck?
10:30 The dead people montage is my favorite part of any awards show. I will miss Pat Morita, Vincent Schiavelli, Barbara Bel Geddes, Shelly Winters, Anne Bancroft, Ismail Merchant, Robert Wise and Richard Pryor. Where was Don Knotts?
10:45 Stewart's Scorcese/3 5 Mafia joke was funny. Hillary Swank is an example of another star who must have snuck in late. Who will win Best Actor? Will it be another upset? I love Joaquin Phoenix. He's hot. It's no surprise. It's fatso PSH who is worst-dressed man.
Oscar fashion as it should be on Ziyi Zhang.
10:57 Oscars, I wish I could quit you but I'm in for the long haul. We're now at best actress. I hope it is Felicity but that will be an upset. Reese wins and it's no surprise. I wish she looked better for her win. I like Reese but it is crazy to think she is an Oscar winner. Too bad her marriage is in trouble. I love Joaquin Phoenix. I just needed to say that again. Now, Reese is making me tear up a little bit. "I'm just trying to matter."
Don't you wish you were at the Elton John party showing your tits off with Pam Anderson, Amanda Lepore and David LaChapelle?
11:09 Dustin Hoffman just almost beat Bacall for crazy old person Oscar moment. History of Violence was my favorite movie last year, by the way. I love that Larry McMurtry is wearing jeans. I am so glad Uma is there looking fabulous. She is another secret star who we haven't seen yet. I also want to thank my friends who are watching along and commenting with me but I do not want to thank my good friend who tivo'd the Oscars and are two hours behind in the show and calling me to discuss things that happened three hours ago. We are at the final stretch here. Get on board, Kristen! This is why I don't have Tivo!
11:19 Tom Hanks looks like a serial killer. I am getting cranky. Thank god Ang won! He is a great director. I love that he just made another "quit you" joke. Uma looks fabulous--again.
11:23 Crash?!?!? This is fucked up and a huge upset! I wanted Brokeback to win. Crash was a crappy manipulative movie. Now, I'm kind of pissed. Todd is on the phone and is shocked. I need an Ambien now. Oscar, I am quitting you for now.
We don’t want to change the world, we're not looking for a new England.
Rachel and Todd crash the British Academy Film Awards and discover the following truths:
• We are so not British. • Black Orpheus/Black Daliah-- pretty much the same book.
• Rachel really needs a vacation
• Todd wishes he had five weeks of vacation.
• Michael Caine is very British.
As always, this, and EVERY, BEWARE OF THE BABYLON podcast can be automatically downloaded to your computer and transferred to your iPod through iTunes.
To celebrate the Oscars on Sunday, I've included some additional representations of homesexuality in the media. Check out this old ad to learn that there is nothing a gay man likes more than girls, style and especially being on time.
To celebrate what I think will be a big weekend for Brokeback Mountain and for gay cinema in general, please enjoy some classic Bert & Ernie. Don't you see a little Ernie in Jack and a little Bert in Ennis?
I decided to make Thursdays all about boobs since I don't have much else to talk about right now. I, however, have so much to say about this photo:
1. This was taken at some kind of event about women or breast cancer or something like that. I saw on Access that Melissa Etheridge sang at it. I love how Rita Wilson is wearing a boob dress to celebrate boobs in general. 2. I love the look that Kate Capshaw is giving to Rita Wilson. A couple of years ago I got a new boob dress and my former friend Cathy gave me the same look. We are not friends anymore. 3. What is the deal with Kate Capshaw's hair? And Tom Hanks' hair? 4. Doesn't Spielberg look creepy?
Tonight prior to my dance class, I was eavesdropping on two twentysomething girls chatting about all of the men after them. Here is the conversation.
Girl #1: "So, I met this guy but he's like OLD." Girl #2: "How old is he?" Girl #1: "He's like 31." Girl #2: "Well, that's kind of old but not too old. Get this, this guy from spin came up to me and started chatting and he's like 40!" Girl #1: "OH MY GOD! That's like gross old." Girl #2: "Yeah, I was like dude, you have a kid and an ex wife and I was like dude, do not talk to me, you old man."
At this point, I wondered if I should have them introduce me to this dirty old man.
I started watching Idol today and I was bored. I used to love the show, but for some reason I'm losing my tolerance for the entire program. I can only seem to focus on reruns of Rosanne or Full House and I'm not quite sure what that means. I can't wait for my cruise in 12 days!
I realize the blog has boring, but life has been throwing me unexpected turns that has been taking me away from my private writing time. Today I spent most of the working hours manipulating an Excel spreadsheet while I came to the conclusion that I completely suck at Excel. I am part of a generational gap that does not know how to make a pivot table or create pull down menus on an Excel spreadsheet. I consider myself computer savvy, but somewhere along the path of teaching myself html and editing a podcast, spreadsheeting got lost in the mix. Although I can do a basic sum and highlight a row here and there, I prefer to keep some information at random rather than spread it all out on a chart that derives formulas from other charts that derives numbers from a complex equation that is supposed to provide some kind of realistic scenario all summed up in neat looking cells that can printed out on one sheet in a landscape format. Randomness is not such a bad thing and over the past few months, I seem to have forgotten how a surprise phone call or conversation on the corner can perhaps rapidly change the direction of my life. Carpe diem.
I have to send my iPod BACK to the morons at Apple for the third time since January. They keep sending it to me UNREPAIRED. I've called 10 times and they WILL NOT fix my fucking iPod. I even have the extended warranty and they still keep telling me there is nothing wrong with my machine. I can't even charge it without the sad iPod icon appearing. Plus, it makes an audible hissing sound when I attempt to put it in fucking disc mode. I am so glad I didn't buy a Mac computer if this is the type of shit this company is producing. I FUCKING HATE THIS IPOD AND WANT IT FIXED! WHAT KINDS OF MORONS DO THEY HAVE LOOKING AT THIS BROKEN MACHINE AND TELLING ME IT IS FINE? WHY DO THEY KEEP SENDING ME BACK A FROZEN IPOD? I HAVEN'T BEEN THIS PISSED IN A LONG TIME. THEY ARE WASTING MY FUCKING TIME! IF YOU KNOW SOMEONE WHO WORKS FOR APPLE OR YOU WORK FOR APPLE, PLEASE HAVE THEM FIX MY IPOD OR I WILL BLOG ABOUT THE INCOMPENTENCY OF THIS COMPANY ON A DAILY BASIS UNTIL THEY REPAIR MY IPOD!
This is a wedding web site of a friend of a friend. We are obsessed with this site, especially the honeymoon and engagement photos. I've never met the couple, but I am pretty sure I don't want any more details of their Pleasure Quarters.
BEWARE OF THE BABYLON celebrates one year of podcasting with this ambitious ANIVERSARY PODCAST featuring our greatest moments.
If you have never listened to one of our podcasts before, this is where to begin.
It's a self-congratulatory greatest hits bonanza you don't wanna miss.
As always, this, and EVERY, BEWARE OF THE BABYLON podcast can be automatically downloaded to your computer and transferred to your iPod through iTunes.
Todd and I just returned from the BAFTA Awards East Coast party, and I have to say, I am knackered. I am not used to drinking champagne all day long. Thandie Newton was clearly the best dressed star. Jude Law looked very tossed when he came up to present. Matt Dillon looked out of place in an English speaking country. Brokeback Mountain won best picture and Wallace and Grommit won best British Film. The giftbag included some DVDs of Footballer's Wives and a Cadbury bar.
