Sunday, March 05, 2006

Oscar Blog: I'd Like to Thank the Academy

I've decided to blog each hour about my Oscar thoughts.

So far, I think Jessica Alba is best dressed and Helena Bonham Carter is the worst. I was most excited to see Meryl Streep looking fabulous. I couldn't figure out why Keanu Reeves looks weird. Leonard Maltin was too smiley. Keira Knightly needs better posture. Felicity Huffman is too old for that dress while Reese is too young for her outfit. Jennifer Aniston looks nice but is boring and what is the deal with Sandra Bullock and her pocket dress?

Jon Stewart is sucking. He is not funny and is way in over his head with this gig.

8:00 OK, the awards are starting.

Dolly Parton for some reason reminds me of Prince. I am not sure this is good or bad.

Naomi Watts looks horrible. I guess the Golden Monkey Liev Schreiber didn't get a chance to tell her to not wear that horrible dress.

When can I see a better look at JLo?

What happened to Luke Wilson and why is he so fat?

9:05 I just won my first Oscar for those of you not watching.

What the hell is going on here with Lauren Bacall? Todd always loves the moment in all awards show where some old person comes onstage and looks as if he or she is about to drop dead at any moment. This person for this show is Lauren Bacall.

My senior prom dress had a big bow on the shoulder just like the one on the dress of Charlize Theron. This was in 1989.

9:23 I love the moment of the Oscars where someone apologizes for not speaking English. That just happened as March of the Penguins wins.

Oh JLo is in olive! I kind of like the color olive but JLo has lost her star power.

9:38 I am starting to get bored. The Oscars are kind of getting self-congratulatory in these crazy montages.

9:42 I am missing Debbie Allen a little bit right now as the president speaks. I wish this could have all been said in a dance number. I love when Selma Hayak comes out. She looks much better than last year. She should, however, apologize for her English.

10:00 Jessica Alba looks good. My friend Diane thinks she looks trashy, but I don't know how you could say that about someone who looks that fabulous. Sometimes I question Diane's taste.

MJ loves Meryl Streep.

10:24 It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp was the most exciting musical performance since Elliot Smith performed Miss Misery. This is also the best Oscar acceptance speech of the night. My favorite Oscar winning song is I'm Easy from Nashville.

10:27 I wish Garner would have fallen. Do some stars arrive late on purpose? Where has she been hiding all night and where is Affleck?

10:30 The dead people montage is my favorite part of any awards show. I will miss Pat Morita, Vincent Schiavelli, Barbara Bel Geddes, Shelly Winters, Anne Bancroft, Ismail Merchant, Robert Wise and Richard Pryor. Where was Don Knotts?

10:45 Stewart's Scorcese/3 5 Mafia joke was funny. Hillary Swank is an example of another star who must have snuck in late. Who will win Best Actor? Will it be another upset? I love Joaquin Phoenix. He's hot. It's no surprise. It's fatso PSH who is worst-dressed man.

Oscar fashion as it should be on Ziyi Zhang.

10:57 Oscars, I wish I could quit you but I'm in for the long haul. We're now at best actress. I hope it is Felicity but that will be an upset. Reese wins and it's no surprise. I wish she looked better for her win. I like Reese but it is crazy to think she is an Oscar winner. Too bad her marriage is in trouble. I love Joaquin Phoenix. I just needed to say that again. Now, Reese is making me tear up a little bit. "I'm just trying to matter."

Don't you wish you were at the Elton John party showing your tits off with Pam Anderson, Amanda Lepore and David LaChapelle?

11:09 Dustin Hoffman just almost beat Bacall for crazy old person Oscar moment. History of Violence was my favorite movie last year, by the way. I love that Larry McMurtry is wearing jeans. I am so glad Uma is there looking fabulous. She is another secret star who we haven't seen yet. I also want to thank my friends who are watching along and commenting with me but I do not want to thank my good friend who tivo'd the Oscars and are two hours behind in the show and calling me to discuss things that happened three hours ago. We are at the final stretch here. Get on board, Kristen! This is why I don't have Tivo!

11:19 Tom Hanks looks like a serial killer. I am getting cranky. Thank god Ang won! He is a great director. I love that he just made another "quit you" joke.
Uma looks fabulous--again.

11:23 Crash?!?!? This is fucked up and a huge upset! I wanted Brokeback to win. Crash was a crappy manipulative movie. Now, I'm kind of pissed. Todd is on the phone and is shocked. I need an Ambien now. Oscar, I am quitting you for now.

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