Liev is My Golden Monkey

It's been a cold month, but for some odd reason when I do leave my house, I always find myself ass to ass on a couch beside actor Liev Schreiber. Ok, well, it's only been two times so far this month, but I'm starting to think that he's following me. I mean it's weird enough to run into some nobody all the time, but it's even weirder when you keep finding yourself next to New York's new Jerry Orbach. I first encountered Liev at work in the mid-90's when he was promoting Party Girl or Denise Calls Up or one of those forgettable movies and he seemed unhappy when I misplaced him for my friend's brother. Then, Liev played a character based on my old friend Ben in Walking and Talking and Ben is one of my favorite people which gave Liev a warm place in my heart. This New Year's Eve, two minutes before midnight, Liev sat his ass down on the couch beside me stealing my friend's seat and spilling her champagne glass. We toasted in the New Year together, he parted and he left me for some very skinny young broad. This was fine because I met someone I liked minutes later. On Friday night at Blue Ribbon, I was sat directly beside Liev who actually remembered our moment together "upstairs on the couch" during the first few seconds of 2005. As he was leaving, I handed him his gloves he left behind. I had to take this time to confess that truthfully, each time I see him, something really good happens to me afterwards and he replied, "So I'm your golden monkey?" Yes, Liev, you are my golden monkey whatever that means.

For more details of this exciting encounter, check out Beware of the Blog.

Ask MJ Cat: Friday Catblog

MJ Cat just earned his PhD in Cultural Studies from Trinity Online University. So, now MJ is able to answer questions and offer advice on any topic. Think of MJ Cat as a foxier furrier Dear Abby. From love advice to fashion tips to Oscar race predictions, MJ Cat has an answer for everything. This week, we sent out an announcement to our mailing list and received too many questions to answer this week. For those of you still seeking answers, he'll get to the more complicated questions next week.

Dear MJ: As a fashion statement, what do you think of the Navy Blue Norwegian fisherman's sweater? Now that it's cold and sweaters that have long been in storage are coming out of hiding, I'm just curious about your opinion.--Gotham Image, NY, NY

Dear Gotham: Are you being held hostage in the University Club or did you invent a time machine and are you writing me from Exeter in the year 1986? If so, you should be rich enough to go out and buy a new nice cashmere sweater. I'll take yours. It will warm up my cat bed.

Dear MJ: How do you play Ace King if you don't hit on the flop?--Adam H, New York, NY

Dear Adam: Learning from my weekly game with T.J. Cloutier, I think the ace king is the biggest trap hand in pot-limit and no-limit poker. We debate this issue every week, but we both agree that you should raise most of the time with the ace king. I usually fire another barrel in the hope of picking up the pot, but I'm an aggressive cat who has nine lives. Don't waste your one life entirely on poker.

Dear MJ: My husband travels a lot for business. I am often left home alone with little to do. Sometimes the travel takes a toll on our relationship. How do I keep the romance alive while he is gone? What should I do to occupy my time? -Alone and Anxious, NY, NY

Dear AA-Poor you. I sit home all day by myself. Watch TV, contemplate the oversaturation of Star Jones and sleep to pass the time. Get over yourself and enjoy your independence.

Dear MJ: I've recently noticed my cat joins me in the bathroom every time I shower. He seems to like to sit on the toilet seat when I step into the shower. Is he trying to keep warm this winter, or does he just like seeing me naked? Is my cat gay, basically is what I'm asking. -Beware of the Blog, NY, NY

Dear Beware,
That's so crazy cause I do the same thing! NYCBabylon has great tits and I love watching her in the shower.

Dear MJ: Who The Fuck Should I Vote for In The Coming Mayoral Election?
--The Scope, NY,NY

Dear Scope: Is Harvey Weinstein running? He'd be a good candidate for you. He's leaving Miramax, would scare the terrorists off and he smokes.

Dear MJ: I understand that over where you live, there is a new, expensive,
glossy, high production magazine dedicated to nothing but New York City dogs, their people and their Gotham doggy lifestyles. I have not, however, seen any such thing for cats. What do you and your person plan to do about this outrage?--Outraged in the Burbs

Dear Outraged: Listen, it's not cool for chicks to have cats here in the Big Apple while a dude with a dog signifies the owner has a big enough space to accommodate a large pet. I need my person to move into a bigger place and have some rich dog owner pay for it, so we are better off without any glossy cat mags laying around scaring off the fellows.

I love Austin!

Project Runway

If you haven't watched Bravo's fantastic reality show, tune into the Project Runway marathon. I so want that "Austin Scarlett look" and am bidding on this dress. Austin is my favorite person on TV right now. I want to become his hag.

Suffering Through the Pain

Steph's Sidewalk is, by far, my new favorite blog. Next Monday, I am finally going to the allergist for testing and I am not allowed to take any antihistimines this week so my nose is running, my eyes are itching and I have a headache. I had to hide the Claritin D in the back of the medicine cabinet to refrain from taking them. So, inspired by Steph's advice to "ditch the Advil and pop a prayer," I am going to have one serious heart to heart with Jesus to see if he can help me survive my antihistimine-free week. Look how the Lord helped Steph:

I felt the onset of a migraine headache...Each step I took seemed to vibrate shots of pain through my head and my nausea was on the brink of being promoted to full-fledged vomit...When I got back to my office I sat down, water in hand- ready to grab my Advil and be rid of this incessant pain. But for a moment- I stopped. I thought of this friend, who suffers through her pain so that she can really feel God’s healing touch, and so though I knew the Advil would have me pain free and lovin’ life, I declined. I put the bottle down and I bowed my head instead. It wasn’t instantaneous relief but it also didn’t last nearly as long as the 2 to 5 days they can sometimes last piled, with 1-3 Advil, every 2-4 hours. And the best part is- He placed his healing touch on me, not his temporary pain relief coupled with slight drowsiness and foggy mind touch, but his HEALING touch. He didn’t relieve my pain- He cured it!

Ditch the Advil and Pop a prayer!

I hope the Lord helps out this suffering Catholic Jew with the power of healing touch.

NYCBabylon Playlist

I've fully embraced my iPod and here in my playlist for today. Unfortunately, iTunes didn't include my entire list which includes some Sister Carol, Control Freq, Lloyd Cole and Velvet Underground.

Big Black Hole Tuesday

Here are my unanswered questions of the week:

1. What exactly is a blizzard? Why do people believe the weather channel?
2. Is Paul Giamatti upset about his Oscar snub? Who are these people that voted for Natalie Portman?
3. Is Mary Hart a robot?
4. Why hasn't he called?
5. How long will Trump's marriage last?

I Want You to Want Me

There is always that defining moment when the man you least expect to bravely steps up to the plate. He does something subtle, unexpected and sweet and your heart skips a beat. He has your full attention. Then, it all goes downhill from that one simple single gesture.

You know sooner or later the calls will stop coming and he will tell you he's severely bipolar, or he's an addict, or he's moving to LA or his ex-girlfriend showed up on his doorstep, but the bottom line is that he doesn't want to see you anymore. You will start to obsessively think about him and what went wrong and your mind will inevitably keep returning to that one single gesture he made to win you over. You will feel like a fool for falling for him.

And, then, you are back to square one.

It might just be a cheap trick, but today some guy named Michael sent me via email a sweet country cover version of I Want You to Want Me. This, my friends, was his gesture.

To be continued...

Jon Bon Jovi is Alive and I'm Gullible

Yesterday I received the following news that Jon Bon Jovi had committed suicide. I immediately called my very good friend Diane to console her, because she has been out as an admirer of Jon for many years. I left a message on her machine and also called her sister to make sure that she was going to be OK. Today, I found out that the entire story was a hoax from this site where you can make up your news. Diane, I'm sorry. Jon is alive and Beware of the Blog is an asshole and I'm a moron. I also apologize to anyone else I alerted of this fake news.

Respek! : MJ Cat's Friday Catblog

Sometimes my person lets other cats and dogs into my turf. If you want to come over, you better show me and her some respect. Here's how you play the game to win:

1. Don't come in to the apartment and announce you hate cats when you first meet me. That's just plain rude.
2. If you touch my person in a weird or inappropriate way, I might just bite you in the ass. Remember, I'm the one she's feeding, buddy.
3. Don't eat my food. That makes me angry.
4. If I run out in the hall as you are either leaving or going down to the deli, please catch me and take me back to the apartment. Don't make my lady run after me in her bare feet or nightgown.
5. I'll purr if you pet me in the right spot.

Respek! : Friday Catblog by MJ Cat

Sometimes my person lets other cats and dogs into my turf. If you want to come over, you better show me and her some respect. Here's how you play the game to win:

1. Don't come in to the apartment and announce you hate cats when first meet me. That's just plain rude.
2. If you touch my person in a weird or inappropriate way, I might just bite you in the ass. Remember, I'm the one she's feeding, buddy.
3. Don't eat my food. That makes me angry.
4. If I run out in the hall as you are either leaving or going down to the deli, please catch me and take me back to the apartment. Don't make my lady run after me in her bare feet or nightgown.
5. I'll purr if you pet me in the right spot.

Babylon Event

Tonight Kenneth Anger is making a rare appearance at MOMA. I thought it appropriate to advertise this on this blog. I will be there.

Nothing to Blog Home About

I don't have much to blog about this week. I'm sitting home and too cold/lazy to go outside. I can't wait until my February Caribbean vacation. I'm going back to my knitting now. I know. I'm lame this January.

Big Black Hole Tuesday: Globes Edition

Due to last week's popular post of questions, I've created some more Big Black Hole Questions. Perhaps this will become a regular Tuesday feature. These questions are all about the Globes.

1. Is the Association of the Foreign Press on crack? Natalie Portman? That terrible Peter Sellers movie? Annette Benning? Why?
2. How is it that people are saying that Teri Hatcher was the best-dressed woman at the Golden Globes? I HATED way Terri Hatcher looked. She looked like she was attacked by a stylist. And does she share a plastic surgeon with Joan Rivers? They have the same eyes.
3. Do I look better being very skinny, on-target or fat? I'm now on-target and blonde. Renee looks better blonde and fat.
4. Have Prince and Phoebe Cates found the Fountain of Youth?
5. What's the deal with Cate Blanchett's husband?

Tsunami Aid versus Live Aid

Like many people, I was able to watch the Live Aid DVD over the holiday season. Now, I am home making boeuf bourguignon to serve for my Golden Globes gathering. In the background, I have the tsunami relief concert on as I stir. I wonder if in twenty years if I will get as sentimental rewatching my Tsunami Relief DVD set? Will I tear up seeing a middle-age Madonna singing Imagine or will I think about the former close friendship of Matt and Ben? Will I wonder what the hell ever happened to Nelly? And where was Phil Collins? He should have come out for Tsunami relief. I need to call now and give some money. I'll have a heart attack if I get Clooney on the phone.

Just Asking

What grandson of an embalmed Communist dictator was out picking up an innocent downtown socialite at a party on Friday night on the LES? When she told her mother about an impending dinner date, her mother screamed, "No!" and nearly had a heart attack.

Don't Hiss Me Off: Friday Catblog by MJ Cat

You know, I am kind of hissed off today. Here's why:

1. It's cold and rainy and I can't go outside.
2. I can't talk on the phone and if I could I guess it wouldn't matter, because the phone really hasn't rung all week anyway.
3. I wish I had more space to run and play and hide.
4. There is nothing interesting on TV so I have to sit in the bathtub to pass time.
5. I am sick of dieting.
6. Last night, all the hard rain and loud sirens interrupted my sleep.

A Good Friend

I have this very good friend who was away on her honeymoon when I posted for what I was thankful over Thanksgiving. She was so far away that I accidentally left her off the list. Her traits as a person and a friend exemplify the true meaning of friendship. Here's what makes her such a good friend-
1. She's not judgmental.
2. She remembers everyone's name.
3. She provides wise advice on a large array of topics.
4. She sings a mean karaoke.
5. She is not competitive with her friends.
6. She's kind and thoughtful.
7. If someone is freaking you out at her party, she'll tell them to leave.
8. She always brings dessert.
9. She remembers all important days for all her friends.

The list can go on and on....

Big Black Hole Questions for the New Year

I feel as if I'm reentering that Big Black Hole where nobody calls me except the IRS who is auditing me for a year when I actually was unemployed and didn't work. I mean, don't they have better things to do rather than harass me and pay people to determine if I might owe them approximately $10? Here are the unanswered questions plaguing my mind. I don't think the answers exist.

1. Why did Jen and Brad break up? Do I even really care?
2. When is it acceptable to go all the way with a guy you already know you want? Do these rules even make a difference in the long run?
3. How long can one really work in the same job without feeling stale and useless?
4. Can pets transmit diseases to their owners?
5. What is wrong with Verne Troyer and Flavor Flav? Are they just desperate for money? Or for attention?

Jealous of Pussy

My friend told me a hilarious story last night. Her ex-boyfriend actually admitted to her that towards the end of their relationship, that he was jealous of her cat Cookie. If any of my suitors are reading this, please don't ever be jealous of MJ Cat. I love him, but he's my pet and you are a man and I can make you purr more than you can ever imagine.

Today's Points

I need to drop 10lbs FAST so I am back on the Weight Watcher's Points. Here is what I ate today and the point value of each item:


Lowfat Vanilla Yogurt-2 points
1 Egg- 2points
turkey on light bread-3 points
2 pickles-0 points
1 cup grapes-1 point
1 large apple 2 points
Total: 10 points

This leave me with 10 more points, and I am starving and don't know what to eat. I have a left-over pork chop in the fridge. Perhaps I can have that with some applesauce and corn and salad. That would be about a 7 point dinner which would leave me three points for an ice cream sandwich. Dieting is very hard work.

My Rules

If you want to get with me, these are my rules. While there are other subtle elements involved that cannot be defined on a universal basis, these are some basic hints that might just help anyone out.

1. Compliment me. I always fall for that type of admiration.
2. Take me on some kind of a date. A date is defined as any sort of prearranged meeting where I can wear a skirt, heels and proper undergarments. Ideally, I like to start getting ready three business days in advance, but if your writing schedule does not permit you to plan like this, I might make some concessions.
3. Be nice to me.
4. Pretend to be interested in my cat.
5. Tell me your rules so I can perhaps adjust mine.

Totally Wasting the Pretty

I've been out of commission. I've been in bed since Wednesday night when I actually vomited on a date. I wish I had received a flu shot, because this flu is horrible. If you feel yourself start to get dizzy and then break out in a terrible sweat and then actually vomit, I suggest you get your ass in bed as soon as possible. The date who had to carry me out of the restaurant and take my puking ass home in the cab has yet to call me to see if I am alive. That's just bad form.

Help me Make it Through the Night

Now we are all together in that downhill slide from New Year's Eve to Valentine's Day. Everyone seems depressed and the weather is cold and gray. Here are some things to look forward to in the upcoming month:

1. The Golden Globes
2. New season of American Idol
3. Martin Luther King Day
4. Losing 10 lbs.
5. Trying a new hair color
6. Going on a date with someone new
7. Wearing your new hat

OK, I am scraping now. When all else fails, go to Hollywood Tans.

Snack Shelf Life

After I wrote about my relationship with The Snack, I started a debate about dating younger men. Well, as the experiment comes to a close, I can now inform you that Snacks have a shelf-life of about one month. Here's some signs your Snack is getting stale:

1. He calls you when he is shopping with his mother at Macy's for a new coat. She's buying.
2. He cancels your dinner plans because his mom is making something really "good."
3. He spends more money on his drugs than taking you out on dates.
4. He confesses to you about his ex-girlfriend who was 17.
5. He tells you that you are really great even though you are old but makes fun of you for watching Oprah.

2005: Day One

Well, we are eight hours into the New Year and so far, everything is good except for the fact that I can't keep any food in my stomach. For those of you who were concerned about my holiday blues, I rang in the New Year with style. Here's how:

1. At the stroke of midnight, I found myself on a sofa beside two B-list actors. They sat down beside me when my friend Kristen got up to go to the bathroom. Kristen understood that I had to give up her seat as I am always up for toasting the New Year with semi-celebs. Although we all toasted in the New Year together, one of the self-important dudes rudely knocked my champagne glass over and did not apologize. I, however, think this was a good sign of a good year to come.

2. I actually got to dance to Don't Stop Believing by Journey.

3. As our escort, Kristen and I took out our Snack Brad Pitt look alike catsitter who turns out is really good with all kinds of cats.