The Recession Bailout Holiday Podcast

• Why in the world is Rachel dressed in a Madeline costume?
• What could that possibly have to do with the Recession?
• Who the hell is Sasha Fierce anyway?
• When will the high end stores sales end?
• How did we manage to go so long without a new show?

BEWARE OF THE BABYLON
answers all these questions and more on this brand new Christmas at Macys Santaland podcast, with very special guest, Craig the boyfriend.

As alway, this and every BEWARE OF THE BABYLON podcast can be automatically downloaded from iTunes here.

Things I Hated 2008

It is that time of the year when I list all the things I hated in 2008.
1. Hearing other people talk non-stop about their wedding planning.
2. The use of the word "meh" to describe a medicore emotion. I just realized I also hated this last year.
2. Being the one having to fire someone.
3. My allergy shots which I never have time to get.
4. The fact that my walls need to be painted and I don't have the strength or time to move all my shit to the middle of the floor.
5. When my good friends have babies and completely disappear.
6. Goat cheese
7. Kelly Ripa
8. I hate when Max wakes me up by putting his nose in my face prior to 7AM.
9. Twentysomethings who think they can go from an entry-level job to becoming a VP in 3 months. Pay your dues, kids.
10. Business travel
11. Mass corporate layoffs
12. Emails warning that muggings are happening in my neighborhood.
13. Miley Cyrus
14. Deep dental cleanings
15. My never ending student loan payments
16. mayo
17. ketchup
18. cheese
19. relish
20. The fact that I always get the woman at the nail salon with the wart on her finger and I'm too scared to ask for someone else
21. Buttons falling off coats
22. Disorganized BAFTA functions
23. When guys say they want to make a date with you and then never follow up.
24. The new facebook layout
25. 8AM meetings
26. The word impactful which I learned is not really even a grammatically correct word
27. Random people who write to me on facebook for business purposed. Use linkedin, please.
28. The recession
29. George Bush
30. Andy Samberg. He's butt and not very funny.

Tales from the Recession

I'm back. I've been at BAFTA every night, dealing with high pressure with work and actually out socializing! But, I'm back. I have a lot to say. First of all, The Wrestler is the best film of the year. Second of all, the economy sucks but the sales at Saks are unbelievable. Tonight, we recorded the podcast. In other words, I have a lot to say.

Australia Movie Review

Rabbit-Proof Fence+City Slickers+Gone With the Wind=Australia

I predict in a slow year for film so far, Australia is now the top contender for best picture. I have to admit, it was fantastic in an old-Hollywood epic kind of way.

Serious Risks of Purchasing Salon Products Outside of A Salon

I used to think I was getting a deal when I purchased salon products outside of my salon at Ricky's, at Target or at Drugstore.com. I was shocked to learn that I was not only PAYING more, but also using a product that may be fake, diluted or contaminated. I once purchased a liter of Redken All Soft from Drugstore.com and always thought it smelled funky and did not perform as what I had purchased from SuperCuts which cost less and peformed better. I urge you to support your local hairdreser. Remember, you can also buy products even if you are not getting a cut or color. The salon won't be insulted. You'll ensure you're getting an authentic product and the salon will be thrilled to have your business.

One is the Lonliest Number

Tonight at the end of a very long work day, I noticed a large portion of my coworkers were leaving together. It turns out that they were going to a bar to play Taboo AND did not invite me. I asked Sarah and Cynthia who report to me and asked, "What's up? How come I wasn't invited?" Their response was, "We didn't invite any of the directors."

Am I too old to have fun? Am I scary boss? Do they need a break from me?

I like to have fun, too!

Wow

It's 11:04 and I wanted to note in my blog that I'm witnessing the election of our nation's first African-American president Barack Obama. Now, I hope we see a Woman as our nation's leader during my lifetime.

I Rocked the Vote

Wow. I just exercised my right to vote in this historic election. I haven't seen such excitement and crowds for an election during my lifetime. I started to get really excited when I stopped by the NBC Election area and saw the etched out ice rink at Rockefeller Center! Now,I'm hooked on TV and will liveblog if anything exciting happens during this very historic evening.

Hope you Had a Good Halloween

Nothing says Halloween like Paul Lynde, Margaret Hamilton, Witchiepoo, Florence Henderson and Kiss. Thanks to Todd for telling me about this one.

The Post Op Podcast

On this exciting
BEWARE OF THE BABYLON
Post Op Podcast
Rachel and Todd are live on tape from the yummy Sullivan Diner in New York City's West Village. Rachel's a survivor, Todd's all nostalgic for Halloween music, and they're both just happy to be alive.

Topics include:

* The Presidential Election Process

* Why Clint Eastwood loves Cats

* How not to ask for "Feathers and Streamers"

* Why Kurt Cobain may be a fashion role model after you've had an exhausting operation

As alway, this and every BEWARE OF THE BABYLON podcast can be automatically downloaded from iTunes here.

Scary Halloween

I need to rant because I've been holed up in recovery mode for the past week. First of all, it's Halloween and there is a teenage party downstairs which is getting out of control and the fact that I even care, is making me feel old. Then, I spoke to my cousin who just moved here and she and her friends are getting "hammered" to come to the village cause they heard that is the only way to have fun here on Halloween. That made me feel old because I live in the village and am sober. Also, I heard that Sarah Palin was in in my hometown of York, PA so I asked my mother to call one of her Republican friends who attended the rally cause I want a Palin button for my collection and I can't find one here. My mother refused because she didn't want to "get invovled" which really pissed me off because I would have made the phone call for her. I also went to Time Warner Cable today to get a DVR and it was like entering the eighth circle of hell. I now understand the luxury of paying the $30 to have them come to you so you don't have to sit there waiting for an hour with the most desperate and crazy New Yorkers freaking out about their cable bills and trying to get money orders to turn their cable back on. Plus, I'm in a wedding and was told I could wear whatever I want to but now, the bride must approve. Does that count as being able to wear whatever you want? I don't think so. And to top it off, I just got my period right after my operation a week ago and I can't wear a tampon.

I'm Alive

I'm kind of groggy but I'm a couple of ounces lighter after the removal of a large mass which I'll spare you the details. In any case, I'm home watching TV and still can't walk and am not supposed to make decisions for a few days. I'll keep you posted as I go from sore to stir crazy.

Here Comes the Sun?

I've been in a rut. I'm at that point in my life where all my friends have babies and I'm home Friday night watching and enjoying The Ex List on CBS. But nothing depresses more these days that the new retro Mohegan Sun ads commercial on TV which they slaughter 80s pop songs and turn them into lyrics about visting the casino. What makes me most angry is that I make up songs like this all the time and my talent is being wasted. Also, I pitched a similar idea as The Ex List over ten years ago.

Things You Should Know

1. Madonna is getting divorced. Why is this a big story when Dlisted announced this months ago?
2. It's cold and all the animals go crazy during this weather.
3. Everyone in my office has a cold.
4. I saw The Visitor this week and thought it was one of the better movies I've seen in awhile.
5. Despite being sweet, Bailey's can make some people nasty.
6. I'm not getting any younger.

What's On My Mind

I've been out of commission busy at work and getting ready to have a huge mass cut out of my body next Friday. Here's what's on my mind.

1. The craziness that is Sarah Palin.
2. Why is Amy Winehouse killing herself?
3. What to write on the other blog I secretly write.
4. How can I get MJ cat to stop scratching my chair

Outstanding Questions from the VP Debate

Vote for Beware of the Babylon for President!

Rather than answer some of my questions, tonight's VP debate raised some more for me about Sarah Palin and John McCain.

1. What war did John McCain "win?"
2. What in the hell does it mean to be a maverick?
3. Since when do we want leaders who have poor elocution and grammar skills? Perhaps this is a serious indication about the problems with our educational system.
4. Who actually is a "Joe Six Pack" and how can I avoid this man?
5. Did Joe Biden have botox?
6. Is it acceptable to avoid questions and just read from a notecard during this type of debate?
7. What kind of people actually live in Alaska?
8. Why can't gays get married and why is it a political issue?
9. Are Jews for Jesus Zionists?
10. Is God really responsible for Global Warming?

Palin Blows

While I love a talent portion of a beauty competition, Sarah Palin kind of blows here in her talent portion of Miss Alaska.

Feel Better, Ted!

Me and Ted Kennedy, 1988.

Best Dressed at the Emmy's

Even I was bored and only half watching the Emmy's so I'm giving my best dressed award to my somtimes neighbor Perrey Reeves who was the only person I know personally at this year's broadcast. I applaud for not wearing black and looking so smoking. Girls, eat lots of veggies and do a lot of Yoga and you can look at as good as this broad when you're 40ish.

Emmy's Recap

The Emmy's were a real snooze last night, but Todd pointed out that I missed the bizarre Josh Groban theme song extravaganza. Since when is Groban the new millenium's Rich Little?

Let Your Body Learn

Back in the 80's a big part of my teenage social life revolved around under 21 night clubs. There were two clubs in York, Pa at the time that catered to my alternative taste in music-Big City Under 21 Nite Club and Zakie's. Me and my friend Jessica's entire week revolved around Friday nights at Big City. What would we wear? (Would I wear that Benetton pink sweater dress AGAIN?) Who would drive? Who would be there? What song would be our song to dance to in the cage? Would the Swatch Bunch be there? I even had my first kiss at Big City. Tonight ,an old friend Krista today informed me that on October 11th, there will be an actual Big City reunion for those who hung out there in the '80s and I have to confess that after seeing one of the playlists for the evening, I'm tempted although I would have to recommend adding Nemesis by Shreikback. So, who's game? My mom will drive.

A Guy Called Gerald – Voodoo Ray
A Split Second – Rigor Mortis
Age of Chance – Kiss
Alien Sex Fiend – Now I'm Feeling Zombified
Berlin – Sex (I'm a …..)
Big Audio Dynamite – The Bottom Line (the only thing to do is climb)
Bigod 20 – Body to Body
Bigod 20 – IQ
Bollock Brothers – Harley David (son of a bitch)
Bolshoi – A Way
Bomb the Bass – Beat Dis (the names have been changed to protect the innocent)
Book of Love – Modigliani
Book of Love – Boy
Book of Love – Pretty Boys and Pretty Girls
Boys from Brazil – Hot Stuff
Bronski Beat – Hit That Perfect Beat
Camouflage – The Great Commandment
Celebrate the Nun – Will You Be There
Cetu Javu – Have in Mind
Clan of Xymox – A Day
Cure – Boys Don't Cry
Cure – Let's Go to Bed
Damned – Grimly Fiendish
Dead Milkmen – Instant Club Hit (you'll dance to anything by ….)
Dead or Alive – Brand New Lover
Dead or Alive – My Heart Goes Bang
Dead or Alive – You Spin Me Round
DeeeLite – Groove is in the Heart
Depeche Mode – Behind the Wheel / Route 66
Depeche Mode – Everything Counts
Depeche Mode – Master and Servant
Depeche Mode – People are People
Depeche Mode – Strange Love
Die Krupps with Nitzer Ebb – Machineries of Joy
Dominatrix – The Dominatrix Sleeps Tonight
Echo and the Bunnymen – Bring on the Dancing Horses
Eddy Huntington – Meet My Friend (called dick)
English Boy on the Love Ranch – The Man in your Life
Erasure – A Little Respect
Erasure – Oh L'Amour
Erasure – Sometimes
Erasure – Victim of Love
Fine Young Cannibals – Johnny Come Home
Friends of Carlotta – Finger FOC
Front 242 – Headhunter
Front 242 – Welcome to Paradise (hey poor, you don't have to be poor anymore)
George Kranz – Trommeltanz (din daa daa)
Hohokam – Harlequin Tears (why does your heart beat, heartbeat now?)
Humanoid – Stakker Humanoid
Killing Joke – Eighties (I'm living in the)
KMFDM – Naïve (everybody needs somebody, everybody needs love)
Kon Kan – I Beg Your Pardon
Icicle Works – Birds Fly (whisper to a scream)
Information Society – What's On Your Mind
Les Rita Mitsouko – C'est Comme Ca (laa laa laa laa)
Lil Louis – French Kiss
Lords of Acid – I Sit on Acid (darling come here … ummm… lick me in my ear)
Love and Money – Candybar Express (take a ride on the sugar train)
Love and Rockets – Ball of Confusion (that's what the wold is today, hey hey)
Man to Man – Male Stripper (in a go go bar)
Man to Man – I Need A Man
MARRS – Pump Up the Volume
Micro Chip League – New York, New York (city of the people, city of deceivers)
Mighty Lemon Drops – Out of Hand
Ministry – Everyday is Halloween
New Order – Age of Consent
New Order – Bizarre Love Triangle
New Order – Blue Monday
New Order – True Faith
New Scene – Out of Control
Nitzer Ebb - Let Your Body Learn (fast beat the feet)
Nitzer Ebb – Murderous (where is the youth)
Nitzer Ebb – Join in the Chant (guns, guns, guns, guns, fire, fire, fire whoop!)
Paul Lekakis – Boom Boom (boom lets go back to my room)
Pet Shop Boys – Always on My Mind
Pet Shop Boys – It's A Sin
Rob Base – It Takes Two
Robotiko Rejekto – Rejekto
Radiorama – ABCD
Revolting Cocks – No Devotion
Sabrina – Boys
S-Express – Theme from S-Express (i've got the hots for you)
Shooting Party – Safe in the Arms of Love (never look back)
Siouxsie – Cities in Dust
Sisters of Mercy – This Corrosion
Skinny Puppy – Dig It
Skinny Puppy – Testure
Society – Love It (cmon cmon cmon cmon cmon love it)
Soft Cell – Tainted Love
Timelords – Doctorin' the Tardis (doctor who hey doctor who)
Tones on Tail – Go! (yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yaaaah, yah)
Voyou - Houseman
Wire – Ahead (i remember, i remember, i remember .. making the body surge)
Weathermen – Poison
When in Rome – The Promise
Yaz – Don't Go
Yaz - Situation
Yazz and Plastic Population – The Only Way is Up (baby)
You've Got Foetus on Your Breath – Wash It All Off (supercalifragilisticsadomasichism)

Agency Review

Right now, I'm going through the process of hiring an "agency" at work. I'm always fascinated how companies come in to pitch their business and how similar it is to going on some really bad dates. My friend ANP and I always joke that there are always two sides to every relationship--the agency and the client. In life, you really want to be the client. But, if you must be the agency, it's best you practice the following unwritten rules:

1. Be careful about how you present your credentials. We don't care about what someone at your agency did ten years ago for a client that has nothing to do with your business. Also, if you must beef up your credentials, be sure as hell not to make up projects you owned especially related to the exact company you are pitching. Do you thnk we are morons and don't know who works for us?
2. Don't try to sell us shit we don't want. If we have you there to talk about media, talk about media. If you are called in to talk about design, talk about design. We know what we need which is why we spent hours working on a RFP to outline our project.
3. Be transparent. There's nothing a client hates more than a bait and switch.

Beware of the Coney Island Wonder Wheel Cast!

We are live on tape from one of the
very scary shifting cars of the world famous
Coney Island Wonder Wheel
on this very special
BEWARE OF THE BABYLON

Take a virtual ride with Rachel and Todd as they:

* Scream like little bitches, while trying to podcast

* Gorge on Russian cuisine that will haunt them for days

* Swim in the live-active culture that is Brighton Beach

* Avoid buying bootleg DVDs of current movies (mainly because they didn't have Hamlet 2)

As alway, this and every BEWARE OF THE BABYLON podcast can be automatically downloaded from iTunes here.

Or listen right this very second on our custom player...

Donna Martin Graduates!

I am watching the new 90210 which is making me feel old and nostalgic. When I was in college, 90210 was a BIG DEAL with me and my friends. And, it was the first show I can remember that actually had a summer season so I spent time watching it with my old high school friends as well. I have to confess I even had a Luke Perry poster on my door junior year. I would watch with my good friends Al, Phil, Max, Dupes and Ro (yes all straight men) and we were obsessed. I think the boys even splurged on the dolls. Then, there was a season where I had to work at the coffee house during 90210 so I would actually carry my 13" TV across campus and set it up behind the counter. My college graduation coincided with the high school graduation of the kids from West Beverly High. I remember sitting in my room and watching with my friends and actually crying. So, welcome back 90210. I hope it's as good as the first round and I actually teared up when I Joe Tata just had a cameo.

DNC fashion commentary

Rather than make political commentary, I'll do what I'm more able to do which is make fashion commentary on the DNC.

I liked this teal Maria Pinto dress which really clung to Michelle's booty. I never really had any feelings for Michelle before but I liked the color and the modern yet classic fit. I think she should have lost the pin. She definitely is following the "volume" trend which we'll see a lot of this fall.

10:40
OK, I'm obsessed with hearing Chelsea's voice since she was silent for so long. Wow, she's blonde. Are those extensions? That's all we get? Is that a skirt suit? Chelsea is too young for that.

10:43
Why is Hillary wearing that horrific orange suit? Perhaps she is signifying this convention symbolizes her carriage has turned back into a pumpkin. All my friends know, I love Hillary but hate her "traveling pants" suits. I will post a photo as soon as I find one.

Happy Birthday To Me

Tomorrow is my birthday which used to provide me with a sense of excitement but now the sentiment has somewhat changed into an unexpected reflection. As I write this, I feel a slight dull pain in my left hip which appeared in the last year. I feel a sense of nostalgia and grief for close friendships I've lost, who have died or that have faded over the years. And, yet I'm grateful for the love of my family and the five years of companionship I've shared with my cat. Five years ago I hated cats and took my family for granted. I think about all the little babies who have entered my life and how I look forward to sharing memories with the children of my close friends in years to come. I am excited that some of the friends I've lost along the way have reappeared and surprised me coming back into my life again and I'm thrilled about some of the new friends I've met recently. I am happy for the sprig of lavendar that a friend gave me tonight as a gift and am surprised that such a small token could mean so much to me. But, most of all, I think about how I'm not so concerned anymore of who I want to be but just to be content with who I am. I suppose this is the greatest birthday gift I can give to myself. Here's to a great year!

Love,
Me

She's Old, I'm Old, We're All Old

Happy 50th Bday, Madonna!

Rose's Turn

Last night I had the pleasure of seeing Patty LaPone in the new revival of Gypsy. I saw the recent rendition with Bernadette Peters a couple of years ago and I have to say both Mamas were equally powerful.

So Long Mr. Rogers

I was very sad to hear that PBS will not be showing Mr. Rogers anymore. As a kid, I loved Mr. Rogers. My mother also loved it claiming it "chilled me out."

As a tribute, I've posted the best episode ever Mr. Rogers Goes to the Restaurant which features my late Grandmother Maribel Shearer in a cameo drinking a cup of coffee. She was so excited that she was asked to be in this episode filmed at the Hotel Saxonburg and even got us Fred's autograph!

W. Preview!

The new Oliver Stone movie W. looks so bad I can't wait to see it! I love Thandie Newton as Condi!

You're Beautiful?

As a woman who considers herself not a supermodel but not totally butt, I've only been called "beautiful" to my face by a straight member of the opposite sex only a handful number of times. I can't even recall any of my immediate family members ever even telling me I am "beautiful." My gay boyfriends may have called me beautiful, but they use that term loosely to greet many women.

Anyway, the men who have dared to call me beautiful tend to always be undeniably beautiful themselves so I became suspicious and allowed my faltering self esteem to take over. I ask myself such questions as:
1. Isn't he way out of my league?
2. Why can't he find someone as beautiful as he is?
3. Is he crazy?
4. What does he really want?
5. Is he slumming?

But this time, friends, I WILL NOT DO THIS. I will allow myself to be beautiful just as I am. Let's see what happens next.

BEWARE OF THE BABYLONLIZ SMITHINTERVIEW WITH A LEGEND

Bringing back our ability to randomly run into celebrities in New York City, we secure an on-the-street spontaneous interview with the original Gossip Girl...
LIZ SMITH
on this very special
BEWARE OF THE BABYLON
Legendary gossip covered includes...

* Why our movie reviews don't matter (according to Liz Smith)

* Why blogging doesn't really matter (according to Liz Smith)

* Why podcasting doesn't really interest Liz Smith.

* Why Liz Smith doesn't know who Yaz is.

* Why we love Liz Smith and would do anything she says to do.

As alway, this and every BEWARE OF THE BABYLON podcast can be automatically downloaded from iTunes here.
Or listen right this very second on our custom player below...

Everything She Wants

Tonight, I had the pleasure of celebrating 25 years of George Michael at Madison Square Garden with my friends Wyndham, James and Jeff. Yes, it's a scary thought to think I've been a consistent fan for a quarter of a century. I'm old. George Michael is the Sinatra of our generation. The show which clocked in over 3 hours was fantastic. I hope he comes back to entertain us again.

Nobody's Diary!

Tonight I saw the Yaz concert reunion. God, I love Alison Moyet's voice. Here she is back in the day and I have to confess I got a little teary eyed when they opened tonight playing the song. I was transported back to my preteen years and how much I loved this song when I heard it on Rock Over London which was a syndicated radio show I listened to late on night through the help of a coat hanger wired up to my boom box so I could receive the show clearly.

Mama Mia!

Not since Can't Stop the Music, has there been such a joyous screen movie catering gay men and the women who love them. So, if you fall into my circle of friends, run, don't walk to see Mama Mia! starring the everfescent Meryl Streep who makes a cheesey rendition of The Winner Takes it All seem as powerful as the Drink Your Milkshake scene in There Will Be Blood.

Shut Up, Steve

I've been meaning to write about this for a long time, and I finally found the commercial on YouTube. I don't know how the actor playing "Steve" got cast in this ad, but he really is one the most annoying people on television today. Just watching him in this as makes me feel sick about the prospect of ever eating a Cheerio again. And, what's the deal with his eyebrows?

Double Booking

I was supposed to attend a "puppy picnic" today but two of the parties responsible for planning, both "double booked" and the picnic did not happen. A puppy picnic is where you get together on the Christopher Street pier along with your pets. I'm annoyed because I was looking forward to the picnic all weekend and spent Friday night cooking picnic foods including a Thai noodle salad and guacamole. Max had his leash all ready to go. So, friends, if you make plans, please don't forget because NYCBABYLON looks forward to seeing you and is sad tonight watching the Miss Universe pageant.

Batman: The Dark Knight Review

Last night, I went to a screening of the new Batman film. I was skeptical that the film was going to ride on the coattails of the mystery surrounding Heath Ledger's death. I was wrong. The film would be fantastic no matter what. I don't want to give much away, as the film is full of surprises and action. But, I do want to say that Batman is actually very deep and meditates not only on the current state of our current politics but also on the deepest conflicts that plague the human ego. What is right? Do we sell our souls to help our families? Can you really rehabilitate evil? What motivates do-gooders? Do we really know who our real heroes are?

I also have to state that Heath Ledger's final full performance is incredible. The Joker is so fully-realized, scary and plain old batshit crazy that you have to wonder if throwing himself into the performance did take a toll on his mental state.

Displacement Vectors

I have been out on dates with all types of men in my life including actors, rock stars, creative types, money men, screenwriters and journalists. Tonight, however, I had my first date with an astrophysicist which actually made me feel like a dumb blonde. It's very difficult to describe my job in the beauty business to a man who is going out of town next week to try to discover a new planet. I asked him such crazy questions that I'm curious if he'll ever call me again and the crazy thing is, I kind of liked him. Here is some of the crazy questions that popped out of my mouth:
1. Are you a mad professor or more of a nutty professor?
2. Do scientists actually use scientific calculators?
3. What's your favorite equation?
4. Who's your favorite member of the British aristocracy?
5. If you find a planet, what are you going to name it?
6. How big is your telescope?
7. How often do you mention Galileo on a weekly basis?
8. What is your personal velocity?
9. What are you feelings about Duran Duran?
10. What did you think about the movie Contact with Jodi Foster?

Keep you posted. Have a Happy 4th!

Pussy Pride Day

So, today my neighborhood is overflowing with half-naked drunk and drugged out homosexuals celebrating Gay Pride Day. When did Gay Pride Day become such a low-rent display of sexuality, garbage and drug use? I think Gay Pride Day has jumped the shark. I want to see a day celebrating single women in their 30's who live with their cats. We'll dress up in vintage Laura Ashley, count our Weight Watchers points and talk about the Sex and the City movie. Oh, and we'll parade our cats around in those cat strollers you can find in the Sky Mall catalogue. We'll celebrate our single status and that we're too crazy to procreate and that our true love is our rescue cat. We'll debate dry food versus wet food. We'll hold our cat dancers with pride. We won't use the lint roller on this day. Pussy Pride Day should become a national holiday!

Happy Birthday Todd!

Today is the birthday of my close friend and comedy partner Todd! Here all the all things I love about Todd.

1. He never gets mad at you even when you act like an asshat.
2. He's my partner in all that is BAFTA.
3. He loves your pussy as much as you do.
4. He appreciates a pearl necklace on a lady.
5. He's an original member of the velvet mafia, even though he doesn't know it.
6. He can make a cake out of salt instead of sugar.
7. He loves to eat out at dives with me.
8. He knows a good showtune when he hears one.
9. He will be your fake straight date upon command.
10. He is a loyal and true friend!

I love you, Todd!
Happy Birthday!

I'm FINALLY back

I'm back from what seems like decades of strategic planning and preparing for a company sales meeting in Hawaii. Hopefully, I'll have my life back for a couple of months so I can blog, go back on the points and spend some time with MJ and my friends! I have to say, Maui is really not any nicer than the beautiful island of Dominica so I don't really get what the fuss what about. Plus, I wanted to shoot myself on that second leg of the return flight. I still have jet lag. I'm sad to hear that one of my comedy mentors, George Carlin passed away this weekend. I'll have more to say tomorrow when I can think.

Aloha!

I have been for what seems like a year in Hawaii at a National Sales Meeting. I'm fully aligned and exhausted and can't wait to get back home so I can blog. Before I leave, however, tomorrow I'm snorking! When I get back, I will be jetlagged and slightly brainwashed.

Dearly Beloved....

We are gathered here to see to wish this sexy mf named Prince a Happy 50th Birthday!

Beware of the Sex and the City Product Placement Podcast

We subliminally plug the products of about fifty Fortune 500 company products in this eloquently presented episode of
BEWARE OF THE BABYLON
recorded live on tape from a Fortune 500 company auditorium
Put on your best Anthony Robbins asshat grin for...

* Afterglow on the Sex and the City movie [Time-Warner]

* The mystery Doritos flavor revealed [Pepsico]

* Todd's first trip to Burger King in over 24 years [Burger King Holdings]

* We remind you to join our Facebook page [1 % Microsoft]

* This week's Guess Who I'm With Phone Challenge [Sprint Nextel]

As alway, this and every BEWARE OF THE BABYLON podcast can be automatically downloaded from iTunes here.

Listen to the show here if you have ants in your pants:


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Sex and the City=Amarula

I finally saw Sexo en La Ciudad or as we call here it NYC, Sex and the City. I have to confess, I actually read the book before the series even launched and was addicted to the show which forced me to subscribe to HBO. I also watch the watered-down reruns. So, as you can imagine, I had to go ASAP to see the film. A couple of weeks ago, I was hanging with my friend Deirdre and we got a little tipsy on this very sweet South African fruit liquor called Amarula. I knew it was too sweet and made of alcohol but I couldn't stop drinking it because it went down so smoothly and woke up the next day with a hangover. This is exactly what happened to me as a result of seeing the SATC film. It was sweet, and not really that good, but good enough that I couldn't stop watching and then I felt kind of empy and disappointed the next morning. I won't provide any spoilers except to say Miranda somehow aged the best and looks the most vibrant. SJP's Carrie demonstrates that being too thin can age you after forty. And, that Vivienne Westwood dress would make me want to get married too. I need to see it again this weekend.

RIP Yves

A fashion God has left us. RIP, Yves.

Thanks, Todd

Catladies is the best new site!

I'm having a very busy and exhausting week. It's nice to find a new site that makes me laugh. Thanks, Catladies.com for this! I think I need to find a photo of me and Max now and reverse our heads.

Memorial Day

Things I forgot to remember on Memorial Day:

1. Suntan lotion
2. To call back Eileen
3. To feed Max this morning
4. A pack of tissues
5. That the massage place closed at 6
6. To turn off my alarm clock
7. That the 2-3 was running local

Socialite or Ghost?

I love perusing the party photos of nysocialdiary.com. Occassionally, I'm struck by the fashion, makeup and hair disasters socialites think they can get away with just because they're rich.

The Beware of Green Porno Cast!

Two months in the making,
this is our first ever completely digital
BEWARE OF THE BABYLON
recorded live on tape from Bryant Park!

Crisper, clearer, and digitally mastered topics include...

* Observations of a horny Isabella Rossellini

* The Babylon Summer Movie Oath.

* What constitutes a YP over an MP.

* Sex education mishaps that lead us to our adult lives.

* Occasional coughing from the overbearing NYC pollen count.

As alway, this and every BEWARE OF THE BABYLON podcast can be automatically downloaded from iTunes here.

Or listen to our show at the office, when you should really be working....


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Velveteen Rabbits

I'm going this weekend to clean out the bedroom I spent the first half of my life living. As you can imagine, this room houses and stores all my childhood memories. I'm torn about what to pitch and what to store. Here are some items in question:
1. Casio Keyboard which I recorded many cassettes with my one-woman band Rachel Goes to Epcot Center.
2. Stuffed Animals with Names who were my friends during the turbulant 70s.
3. My prom corsage
4. Junior Miss and Prom Gowns which will I will never fit into again but were some really funky fashions back in the day.
5. Complete 80's New Wave Vinyl Collection (OK, I'm keeping this.)
6. Old 80's jewelry collection including palm tree earrings, lucite bangle bracelets and assorted vintage jewelry
7. Complete collection of Shakespeare and Dante
8. Old college papers about Dante and Shakespeare
9. Complete Donny and Marie stage set and dolls
10. Super 8 camera and projector.

xoxo

Not since the heyday of Melrose place, have I been as satisfied with a night time drama as I now am with Gossip Girl. Tonight's episode was hilarious and I won't give any spoilers except to say I HATE GEORGINA! She is the most evil character and her bad ways are making Chuck seem like an angel. The line tonight about making out with investment bankers at PJ Clarkes was especially hilarious.

First Dates

I have a lot to blog about but I can't resist telling the story that I actually was at dinner tonight eavesdropping on a couple on their first date and the couple will hopefully work out but they both made the following errors and were so bizarre that I have to write it all down. Here are some choice quotes.

"I have been depressed my entire life."-Man
"My friend is very protective of me. I make terrible choices in men."-Woman
"How long were you a Communist?"-Woman
"I was a Communist until I was ten."-Man
"England is boring."-Woman
"My first wife was a dancer from Paris. She was actually from a suburb outside of Paris. It wasn't a nice suburb."-Man
"Why did you leave her?"-Woman
"I was unhappy."-Man
"Do you have a roommate?"-Woman
"I live with my mother."-Man
Pause
"One day we came home and the chicken was gone."-Man

I also have to clarify that the couple's conversation was so compelling that me and my date didn't speak to each other and had to keep a straight face the entire dinner. When she went to the ladies room, I asked the man where they met and if it was indeed a first date, and he said yes. They met at Film Forum. I asked what film, and he said, "It was French."

Get With the Program

I've been an interactive geek now since 1991 when email was introduced to me in college. The first person I emailed was one other guy who signed up immediately as I did and we would email each other in the same computer room. When I attended NYU in the early 90's, I started stalking my classmates and fingering them via the PINE system. Then, I became addicted to message boards and became an online beauty expert actually quoted in Vogue Magazine in 1995 about my love for the Chanel nail polish color VAMP. I had my own site on Geocities and signed up for blogger immediately because it was easier to manage than Geocities. I created a podcast before iTunes even hosted them. I used to track down old boyfriends using Dogpile and I still won't date anyone unless I can Google him. My profile has been on social networks since the early inception of Classmates. I've made a career out of my addiction to the net without any formal training or a degree. My mother always says, "Rachel just loves the computer." So, my tolerance for those in the corporate world who don't understand the basics of how to navigate the internet is somewhat low, especially at large billion dollar corporations which are transferring funding to digital marketing initiatives because it's cheaper to acquire customers through these channels than through traditional advertising channels such as TV and print. I'm not bragging and believe me, my love of the "computer" has cost me dearly especially after the dotcom crash when I had to waitress for two years as I worked on my geocities site and looked for a new job on monster. People still think I work in IT and call me at least once a week to fix their computer for them and I'm always happy to help. Now, however, my loyalty to the net is finally paying off and my expertise is valued. So, please allow me the following courtesy when I invite you to a meeting to include your thoughts into any digital marketing opportunities.

1. If I invite you to a meeting with Google, don't wait until the end of the meeting to ask, "What is this this thing you call a link?"
2. Don't ask me to invent a new computer that turns into a mirror.
3. Don't think that every website is a destination site. Think about your business objectives as you brainstrom about online opportunities. Where are you driving your customers and what are you selling? How do you shop online? How do you search for information? Do you open every email you get that is not personal? Trust your own online behavior and realize others use the net in similar ways that you do.
4. Understand that we don't cut and paste things on the Web. We have to build sites and tools which takes time, money and resources.
5. Show me the money. You can build the most beautiful site but if you don't invest in driving traffic to it, it's a waste of time, money and effort.

Costume Institute GalaLiveblog!

Tonight is one of my favorite liveblogging events of the year--The Costume Institute Gala Benefit at the Met! The theme is "Superheroes and Fantasy" which has prompted some very strange outfit choices. I think I would have dressed at Catwoman if I was actually invited.



Hostess Anna Wintour dresses up as the Hulk!

I didn't know the Incredible Shrinking Woman counted as a fantasy or a super hero.

I'm not sure what they are going for here, but I have to give a shout out to Posh and Becks.

Like Eva Amurri, I often wonder how I'd also fit into my old prom gown.

Christina Ricci or Dyna Girl?

Isn't Giselle being paid in Euros now? She should have more money for fabric.

I don't have a clever vagina joke or any kind of crass joke Sarah Silverman would make about her own outfit. I do have to say that everyday on my way to work I walk pass Dress Barn and wonder who shops there. Now I know.

A Super Hero in her own right, MJ Blige looks just fine!

Wonder Twin Powers, Activate!

Nothing's Gonna Stop Him Now! Scientology Super Hero Tom Cruise drags his mannequin to the ball.

For those who missed my photo in Response Magazine, check me out here. We actually had our hair and makeup done for the shoot and as I modeled, I tried to take direction for Tyra and "say it with my eyes." Aren't my eyes saying, "I mean business, bitch!"

Social Networking Wars

Eyes Wide Shut

I've been spending time in an alternate reality where people don't work, have taxidermy clutter rooms and ampitheaters and actually live in this house. And, I could go live there in the future. What do you think I should do?

Blood on the Tracks

Deep grief is an emotion I don't wish upon even my worst enemy. Since my dear friend Teeks unexpectedly passed away last June, I was feeling dull, sad, in shock and uninspired. Perhaps it is spring, but the dark cloud in my heart is starting to lift and I'm beginning to feel a little more like myself again. And, it's strange how small things can bring you back. My new chair from Room and Board gave me a new throne to sit on. I moved my crap into storage and threw out old dirty crap. I have an awesome team working for me at my job. I'm hosting a Passover Seder on Sunday and actually feel like celebrating with my friends. I went on a date last week. I'm going to visit my old friend in Maine next week.

But the truth is, I haven't felt much like writing and keeping this blog has been difficult for me as it's hard to be funny when all one feels is pain, sadness and a deep sense of true mortality. It's Friday night and I just cleaned the kitchen and I'm sitting here now and listening to Bob Dylan's album Blood on the Tracks which is sad, painful and cathartic which has inspired to write this post. It's a wonder I still know how to breathe.

Best Cat Video Ever

Response Magazine

If you happen to be one of the very few who actually receive Respons Magazin, check out page 28 where you will see one hot serious bitch at work.

Bret Michael's Rock of Hair

So, Bret chose Ambre (yes, that's how the ho spells it) but most importantly, he reveals how he revealed some insight into his hair and bandanna on dlisted today. I wonder if he gets his hair done by Paves.

My hair is combined of my hair and the finest extensions Europe has to offer. I do the show without it on all the time and they wont film me. They are like, “Put your bandanna back on. It is your image.” It is my signature thing.

Rock of Love Finale!

OK, as a result of the TV strike, I somehow became addicted to Rock of Love on Vh1. Aside from watching all the hos compete for washed up Brett Michael's love, I can't get past what the fuck is wrong with Brett Michael's hair. Is it a wig held on by a bandanna? Is it plugs? Is he bald? Does he think it looks good? How does he watch it? By the way, I hope Daisy wins. I'd love the see the self-sabotaging crazy girl get her man.

Mid Century Cat

Mid Century Cat
Originally uploaded by redrachel

MJ Cat enjoys my brand new chair which really wasn't intended for his personal use.

Catblog Friday

I've had an emotional and very busy week. So, I'm finally sitting down and contemplating the meaning of life as I hang with MJ Cat. Then, after watching Oprah cry about the death of her beloved 13 year old dog Sophie, I realized that, for now, MJ Cat just may be the meaning of my life. When I came home tonight, I smelled a very strong gas smell in my building so instinctively I called 911 and packed up MJ in his cat carrier in case we had to evacuate. As the firemen came barrelling in, I felt that MJ is one the one steady character in my life. He waits for me to come home and when I wake up in the morning he rolls around and purrs in excitement. He's taught me to be a kinder and more responsible person. As I write this, he is curled up beside me with his little tabby head on my ankle. I don't mean to sound like a crazy cat lady, but I love MJ just as Oprah loved her dog. Our sympathies are with you, Oprah.

Greatest Babylon TV Moments

As the TV season begins to pick up after the long WGA strike, I'd like to celebrate by listing some of my personal favorite TV moments from the past.

1. Kimberly's Wig Out on Melrose Place

Still sends a chill through my spine after all this time.
2. Daisy's Gratitude on Rock of Love 2

This is a recent entry, but Daisy's reaction to Brett choosing her despite all her skanks secrets confirms why I am still single.
3. We Are a Family from NBC 60th Anniversary Special

This never gets old.

Spring Break

I'm not at Spring Break, but I've decided to do some Spring Cleaning. I've rented a small storage unit as a first step in cleaning my apartment and I've purchased some new furniture. I'm nesting now which is either a good thing or a scary thing.

Singulair Kills!

So, if I'm feeling down and lonely and acting like there is no tomorrow, blame it on Singulair which I take on a daily basis. This allergy/asthma drugs has been linked with suicide deaths.

Losing My Edge

There comes a time in your life when one day you wake up and all the things that you may have considered cheeseball for the last twenty years of your hip young adult life suddenly become cute or sentimental. You can still appreciate the edgier side of culture, but I think as we get older and closer to death, we subconsciously begin to embrace the softer easier side of life. Here are some things that a mere five years ago I would have laughed at, but now I proudly enjoy without shame:

1. Beauty and Beast as sung by Celine Dion and Peabo Bryson. I heard this today while getting my lunch at a deli and finally fell into the magic of that song. Actually, I kind of like Celine Dion now too and tear up when I hear "My Heart Will Go On" from Titanic.
2. Cats-As you all know, I love MJ Cat and are about to celebrate our 5th year together. There is nothing cuter than a little kitty purring in your face.
3. Jason Castro-Even a year ago, I would have made fun of poor American Idol contestant Castro. Now, however, I've fallen under the spell of his charming songs and dreadlocks as if he's my friend's talented son.

4.

What Comes First?

I was contemplating which order one should focus one's life out of the three choices:

1. Self
2. Work
3. Family


Discuss.

LOL BRB CU L8TR

I'm old and cranky and I hate text messages and prefer you call me via landline than text me. Tonight me, Wyndham and Jimmy all tried to decipher random text messages and I realized that we are just too old for text. It's like watching your mother struggle with Digital Cable or a Tivo. I especially the hate the following types of text messages:

1. I hate when people text to make last-minute plans or any plans for that matter. Call me. It's more effective and wastes less time.
2. I hate when I call someone and instead of calling me back, the person texts me. Texting does not count as a conversation.
3. I hate text booty calls. I'm sleeping and usually miss them.
4. I hate when someone I have interest in texts me to tell me that his girlfriend is in town.
5. I hate when I host a party and send an invitation and the person RSVPs via text.

The Rock Hard Spitzer Podcast

We're live on tape from Rockefeller Center
in midtown Manhattan with a brand
VERY SPECIAL EPISODE
of BEWARE OF THE BABYLON

Whored out topics include...

* The good, the bad and the ugly post-Eliot Spitzer commentary. Mostly ugly though.

* Exclusive News Report unveils prostitution ring clients 1 through 8.

* Who the hell is Ryan Eagle?

* St. Patrick's Day ass-hat interruptions.

* Uncut candid commentary on passer-bys.

* The true story of our crazy download statistics.

As alway, this and every BEWARE OF THE BABYLON podcast can be automatically downloaded from iTunes here.

Or listen to our show at the office, when you should really be working....


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Photos that Make Me Feel Old

Eric Nies from Season 1 NYC of the Real World

Photos of REM.

No One is to Blame

Me and 80s Pop Singer Howard Jones.

Head to Service

Tonight after work, the wonderful colorist David Stanko made me RFB (Really Fuckin' Blonde) which is my new favorite term to describe haircolor. I'm giving him a shout out because I am blondorexic and happy with my results. Anyway, his salon is located in the same building as my beloved gyno which in the future can make my life so much easier. As my friends know, I have a secret crush on my gyno and having RFB hair will provide me with the excuse to visit that building more than once a year with the hope of running into my Dr. on a more frequent basis.

Irresponsible Monday

So, today I was photographed with my colleagues to be featured in the April issue of Response Magazine. Because I spent all afternoon in hair and makeup, I missed the breaking of the Spitzer story which has me all wound up. So, after work, I went to the gym and caught up on the scandal on the the elliptical trainer TV. Then, I decided to take a steam. As I go into the steam room, I realize that one of the two women in the room is openly masturbating. I have to tell you, I didn't know what to do so I just sat there and closed my eyes and prayed for her to realize she wasn't alone and leave. Instead, she starts moaning. Finally, she leaves but I don't want to look at her and I keep sitting there pretending it didn't happen. When I realized she moved her show into the sauna, I ran out and changed my clothes and went to speak to the manager who responded, "Well, that kind of stuff usually happens in the men's locker room. That's why we had to lock up the men's whirpool." New York is a den of sin.

Flavor of Rock of Love of NYCBABYLON!

When I can't sleep, I watch bad vh1 Celebreality, especially Flavor of Love with Flava Flav and Rock of Love with Brett Michaels. I find it fascinating that women are competing to get with these two washed up unappetizing has beens. Yet, the women are really trashy themselves. Anyway, my favorite part of the shows are the "competitions" where the hos compete in ridiculous challenges to "win" dates with the guys. For example, Brett had women so far compete in a peep booth showdown and a USO talent show. So, I decided, if I ever have my own reality show where men compete to get with me, here are the challenges:

1. Clean my Apartment Challenge-The man who does the best job cleaning my apartment without complaining gets a date with me. This is a big challenge cause my place is not neat.
2. Teach Max a new trick-The man who can teach MJ Cat a worthwhile cat trick with the least amount of scratches wins!
3. Cook in my Kitchen-The man who make the tastiest gourmet meal using my existing pantry in my tiny kitchen wins a date!
4. Hair and Makeup Challenge-The man who can do my hair and makeup in the morning and who proves to be heterosexual wins!
5. BAFTA Awardschallenge-I will take all the men to the BAFTA East Coast Awards party and the man who complains the least wins a one on one with me!
6. Poetry Challenge-The first man to get a poem about me published in a respectable literary publication wins some alone time!
7. Karaoke Talent Show-I will take all my himbos to Sing Sing and the man who performs the best version of a Phil Collins song of his choice gets a private room with me.

Hey Little Baby

Hey Little Baby
Originally uploaded by redrachel

I'd like to welcome my new little friend Elizabeth to the world. She was born yesterday February 28th at 2;45PM. She is the daughter of my dear close friend Kristen and I'm so excited to have her join our NYC family!