Grey Gardens

Last night, I finally saw Grey Gardens the Musical. While the musical itself was not so great and the songs forgettable, Christine Ebersole's performance was amazing. The show closes 7/29 so I suggest you check it out.

To Blog or Not to Blog

I apologize for not writing but I've been too sad and also sick with a summer cold. I am starting to feel more myself and will be able to post and podcast again soon. I've been struggling with what I want to write here going forward because I've found that many who know me personally are having difficulty taking me seriously and seeing me in real pain in my day-to-day life. Right now, my life is just not that funny or full of jokes. My real life is not this blog.

But, I still do know that life needs to be fun, and pointing out the ridiculous and hilarious can provide some distraction from the pain we all face at some point. We all need good laughs and debates about bad hair weaves, award shows, wrong romantic choices, TomKat, asshat coworkers and our pets.

So, I'm not sure if I'll ever be the same person I was, but I do know I'll somehow be better. The greatest comedy comes from the greatest pain.

Weave of the Week

This is Billy Bob Thorton's wig weave. What happened to growing old and bald with dignity?

Dramatic Chipmunk Never Gets Old

I know we've all seen this a billion times by now, but for some reason, the Dramatic Chipmunk aka Prairie Dog continues to amaze me.

Paul Judelson is the New Tinsley Mortimer

One meaningless thing that has been bugging me for months is who in the hell is Paul Judelson and why is he in all the social columns? I don't think it's his bland wife Alice that's getting him all the press. But, what is it? Is he rich? Is it his hair? Is it the funky eyeglasses? How old is he? Is he really funny? Does he drink a lot? Where does he buy his clothes? Where does he live? Is he hot or is he butt? I can't tell. Please fill me in.

Concert For Rachel

Today I spent in bed watching the entire Concert for Diana on VH1. I have to admit, it was almost as good as Live Aid. If someone ever has to plan an all-day concert for me, here is who I want to perform in my memory.
1. Kate Bush
2. Duran Duran
3. Jimmy Cliff
4. Spice Girls
5. The Smiths
6. Amy Winehouse
7. Bryan Ferry
8. New Order
9. Willie Nelson
10. Live
11. John Legend
12. Aimee Mann
13. Elvis Costello
14. Prince
15. Cyndi Lauper

The Jewel of the Village

Gawker has this funny series where some guy speaks to himself in the not so recent past. Today, the guy spoke to his former self about The Jewel Theater aka 100 Third Avenue. As my close friends know, I once lived above the Jewel. Here is an account of my time there from this blog.

Many of you might remember during the late 90's, I lived in an illegal apartment above a gay porn theater on lower third avenue. My roommates included a despotic skirt-wearing Iranian and his caffeine-addicted girlfriend, a Japanese guy named Aki who had a well-known acoustic act at the Sidewalk Cafe, a photo student from Cooper Union named Joanna and Melissa, an eccentric girl who lived in the back room we called the "Anne Frank Suite." While I would be sitting in my room quietly watching Fashion Emergency, Jo and Melissa were having a secret affair breaking up the entire fabric of our dysfunctional family. The affair even inspired the song "Joanna" recorded by the late great band The Cogs. Jo was forced to move out of the apartment by her controlling boyfriend in the middle of the night after he learned she was "licking ditches" with the crazy girl from the Anne Frank Suite. She skipped out on the rent and left the apartment in the middle of the night. I've lost touch with all these people but I did get an email from Melissa informing me of her current whereabouts via this interview on Gothamist. She's now driving a cab. Read the interview here. Now, I wish I knew what happened to Aki. He was a nice guy.

I left out the part where I actually had to use the Jewel bathroom after the skank owner decided to remodel ours and removed my toilet for a few weeks. So, I spent more time in the Jewel than you can imagine. The Gawker article paints even a seedier picture of what was going on upstairs. Oh, how I miss Clinton the 90's. Be sure to read about it here.

Happy Birthday, Todd!

You're officially in a new checkbox! Enjoy your special day! We might be getting older, but we're still young at heart! I love you!

Thoth

During the last difficult time of my life after 9/11, I waitressed at the Risotteria. My favorite customer was a gentle man with a Prince-like vibe who came in often with his mother. He always chatted with me and left me a very nice tip. After some time I realized that my favorite customer was the subject of the thg 2002 Oscar-winning documentary Thoth. I looked forward to his visits and hearing about his performance art. Tonight, however, I was very sad to see Thoth getting buzzed off of America's Got Talent. Who made him do that? It was beneath Thoth to put himself on this modern-day Gong Show to be judged by David Hasselhoff. Poor Thoth.

Aruba Day

I've been thinking of all the great times I had recently as I try to meditate myself back into a state of happiness and reality. One of those very special days was spending Aruba Day in March with ANP and her sister VP. Sometimes the best times happen with just good friends, store-bought cake, cheap beer and a bright sunny day. Call your friends and tell them that you love them today! Try to make each day your own Aruba Day!

Ravolta

When I was very very young, I had my first celebrity crush on "John Ravolta" as I used to call him. Back in his Saturday Night Fever, Travolta was hot. Now, he's a gay scientologist in a wig. I guess my taste in men has always been iffy.

Emotional Composition

I know that it's bugging everyone that I know that I'm still in state of shock and despair over the death Tim. I've learned that grief is not something that magically goes away in a couple of weeks, and I'm really only in the raw stages of feeling the loss of someone who was part of my life every single day. I'm a pretty strong woman but I need my friends to accept that I am not quite myself right now, but I hope they can still go on being my friends even when I'm not so sunny. I don't want my friends to be afraid to speak to me or ignore me, and I accept that some of them are just more emotionally equipped to provide the certain kind of support I need right now. So, please don't treat me like I don't exist. I feel dead as it is right now.

I'm the Smartest, So There!

Despite popular belief among York Suburban alumni and faculty, standardized test scores and our parents, I am most likely smarter than my younger sister according to new scientific studies.

"This is a beautiful study that should put an end to an unnecessarily heated debate over intelligence and birth order," he said. "If you were raised as the first born, you will most likely have a higher IQ -- end of story. Now we should focus effort on finding what this means."

So, eat that, Ellen.

To read the study, click here.

Hillary for President!

This presidential campaign ad featuring Hillary Clinton spoofing the Sopranos finale is brilliant. So, aside from about to announce her "song," Hillary is really telling us that like Tony Soprano, she is one tough broad who knows where the bodies are buried. In my opinion, I want our next president to know all the dirty little White House secrets and I guarantee Hillary and Bill know a lot of scary shit. So, all you Hillary haters out there, would you rather have a president who knows NOTHING or someone who knows stuff we don't even want to know about. Information is power. Plus, I miss Bill.

Death of a Salesman

As you know, the past couple of weeks have been very difficult for me. One of the side effects of grief, is that one loses tolerance for asshats (my new favorite word courtesy of ANP). Today, I dealt with the worst kind of asshat which is the self-entitled pushy salesman. I've been transitioning into a new job and part of my job is business development which means having to take the calls of sales people. I'm the kind of person who always returns a call and if I can't talk to you, will set expectations for when I can.

When I came back to the office, I received numerous emails from a salesman freaking out that the person whose job I am assuming had left the company. I responded that I was aware of his product, that I was in transition and had been out of the office due to an emergency and that I would get back to him when I fully assumed the role and was up to speed. I told him I had been out of the office and couldn't provide him any proper attention now.

Tip One: If you are selling someone something, listen to her about when she says she'll respond. If she can't respond now, barraging her with emails and phone calls is not such a great sales tactic as she doesn't have the attention or information to listen to you pitch.

He did not like this and said that his project had already received "verbal agreement" and then listed a bunch of people I already work with and know. I asked them about this agreement, and they all said that they had not agreed to anything.

Tip Two: Don't lie to me and take advantage of my lack of experience in my new role. This is not a good way to start a relationship.

I wrote in my calendar to respond to this person next week. Today, I went into the office. Last night was the first night I've been able to go to bed before four and I felt slightly more composed as I entered the office. I checked my voicemail and my boss's boss forwarded me a voicemail from the saleperson's boss stating that I haven't responded to him making me look irresponsible and careless. Needless to say, this pissed me off and started off any kind of ongoing working relationship I had with this company on the wrong foot. I don't appreciate unwarranted tattling and I don't like working with trashy salesman. I like to work with companies that are intuitive, smart and thoughtful and don't appreciate those who try to make me like I'm not doing my job when I have already responded to you and set expectations.

Tip Three: Don't fucking call up the chain to get your way because one day when I have full say (and I will because I'm young and ambitious), I will NEVER fucking take you or your minions calls ever again)

So, although my boss's boss understand my situation, I'm still pissed at this company. If you are in the field of sales, don't behave like an asshat or I guarantee your numbers will be down and your reputation irreversibly tarnished.

Raise Your Hands to Happiness

I've been experiencing a whirlwind of emotions the past few days. Dealing with sudden grief is such a confusing and complicated process. I know I won't be totally myself for awhile but tonight, I'm thinking about how insanely happy I've been in 2007. Frankly, since the New Year, I've been having one hell of a time hanging out with friends, meeting new people and totally getting my groove on. During these intense times of confusion and sadness, I'm trying to celebrate the fact that I am young, vibrant and loved by my friends and family. I look forward to spending more time with all of you very very soon!

Tim "blowing hard."

I returned home after a very tough and strange few days saying goodbye to my beloved Timothy in LA. I was deeply moved sharing stories about Tim with his friends and family. He deeply impacted people's lives in ways that we will all never forget him. As one of his friends said, he was "too cool to be forgotten." I will always love and miss him. He taught me I have great capacity to care for and love someone without judgement. I would also like to send my love to all my friends who have provided me a shoulder to cry on or listening to me talk the past week. I wouldn't be able to get through this very sad and shocking time without your friendship and support. Wherever he is, I know Tim thanks you for watching out for me.

Today has been a total blur. I've been feeling so numb all day and I'm trying to pack to go to Los Angeles for a memorial service for my friend Teeks who passed away this week. I spoke to some of his friends today and everyone is in a state of shock and surprise. I'm going through what some professionals define as depersonalizaton. I'm scared to get on the plane tomorrow because then it will all be real. It's been a week since I last spoke to Teeks and began to worry that something was wrong when I didn't hear from him over the weekend. I keep thinking that I'm going to hear his special ringtone on my cell but I'm coming to terms that I'll never hear from or see him again. It's a strange experience when one expects the worst and then actually faces it. I keep going through our last conversation last Thursday night and I want to remember everything we said but I can't. I know we spoke for over an hour and I had to hang up because it was getting so late and I had to get up early. But, recently we talked about how happy that we were in each other's lives and how we were going to be friends forever. I didn't know forever was only going to be for a few days more.

My dear friend Teeks that I wrote about in this blog was found dead in his apartment this week. I am in shock and there is so much I want to write and say and have explained and I can't. I just want him to call me. I want him to come back. I want him to tell me a story. I want him to tell me to get over myself. I want him to kiss me on the top of my head. I want to hear his laugh. I want to cry and I can't. I will not be writing the next few days. I need to grieve.

I Love Posh!

I know that Victoria Beckham aka Posh Spice is an ano-no-soul-alien-talentless-tacky stick figure, but I love her. She was always my favorite Spice Girl and her husband David Beckham is pretty hot. If I was an ano talentless celebrity, this is exactly how I'd dress and like Posh, I wouldn't care if every tabloid said I looked like a prostitute in this outfit. I'm not joking. I am confessing my love for Posh with all sincerity and with all my commoner heart. Posh Spice is my new favorite fashion icon.

Xanadu The Musical. Seriously.

This afternoon, I joined Todd and our cohorts Ann and Craig to see a preview of the new Broadway musical Xanadu. While you might think this is just a campy remake of the convoluted 1980 cult classic starring Olivia Newton John and Gene Kelley, this musical actually contains some serious subtext. A satire about the decline of the American Musical Theater, Xanadu was ridiculous, extremely entertaining, campy, genius and funnier than anything I've seen on SNL in the past ten years. Not just "children's theater for 40 year old gay men", Xanadu the Musical is a commentary on both the "jukebox musical" and the lame movie-to-Broadway trend which has been denigrating the white way for years.

Surprise!

Last night I attended a fabulous surprise party for my good pal Chris. As you can see, we had a blast and Chris was extremely surprised. Chris is always asking to be written about on the blog, so this post is a special gift this to you, buddy! You're a great person and loved by all of your friends. The photo above is all of us excited to surprise you before you arrived! Happy Birthday!

There's a Place Where Nobody Dares to Go!

It's official. I'm going to see Xanadu the Musical on Sunday! Eat your hearts out!

postpostpostpostmodernblogging

One of my secret pleasures is checking my stats for this blog. I especially love visiting the keyword referrals to see what you guys type in to find this blog. Today, there were some hilarious ones. Perhaps nycbabylon is a monitor of the current cultural zeitgeist. I just want to know. Why were you smelling your dog's vagina and who is a fan of MJ in the UK?

1. rosie vs elizabeth
2. big city under 21 club york
3. topper mortimer
4. cruise countdown widget
5. what to wear to the mtv movie awards seat filler
6.mj cat
7. why does my dog's vagina smell like maple syrup?
8. rene fris bio
9. what do golden monkeys eat
10. flirt cosmetics
11. japanese hairdress
12. nycbabylon
13. somers farkas
14. catsuit fashions on youtube

Dogs Eat Dog

Today, I've read this horrible story that some UK performance artist protested the act of fox hunting by eating a Corgi, the Queen's favorite breed. I'm an animal activist, but this story made my stomach turn as I don't believe in cooking and eating dogs. I mean what kind of moron protesting some kind of animal injustice would eat another domestic animal? The most upsetting part of the story is that Yoko Ono participated in the dog eating. I used to stand up for Yoko as she is a talented filmmaker and Bottoms was really a favorite of mine. But, now she is off my list. I now hate Yoko Ono and I propose we all band together to protests these dog-eating protestors!

Has LinkedIn Jumped the Shark?

Last night my mother called me with a serious concern in her tone. She stated, "There is this web site and all of your information is on it!" I was alarmed and asked what kind of information and she stated that it said where I went to college and even had my resume posted. She sounded worried that someone was stealing my information and posting my secret work history on the internet and that perhaps there were even some nude pictures posted. After some more questions, I realized that she was actually referring to my profile on LinkedIn. I assured her that I actually posted my own information and that LinkedIn was a legitimate professional networking for people to connect with other professionals, search for jobs and connect with colleagues and also that it is a rapidly growing social network. She had no idea what I was talking about. She still thinks I'm spending all my time on friendster.com. She still tells my sister, I won't answer the phone because I am "on AOL doing friendster." She is so wrong. Friendster is so 2002. Last year, I was spending a lot of time "doing myspace." Recently, I've been spending a few minutes "doing LinkedIn" but spend most of my time counting my points on WeightWatchers.com, a site that never goes out of style. She doesn't even know about D-Listed, and she'd love the gossip but I don't want her snooping around my online addictions anymore. Then, she stated she wanted to "snoop" around on LinkedIn but didn't want to register her own profile so she can protect her privacy. I explained that career networking is not a bad thing, but it is hard to argue with a woman who won't give out her cell phone number so she won't be bothered when out of the house. Oh, and she insists that dial-up service is better than DSL. What does this all mean? Has LinkedIn jumped the shark?

R.I.P Charles Nelson Reilly

I was very sad to hear that Charles Nelson Reilly passed away from pneumonia over the weekend. I have to confess a secret. Charles Nelson Reilly was an early influence on me. From his wacky appearances on Sid and Marty Krofft shows such as Lidsville or his double entrendres on Match Game, I always appreciated him. His out and proud comedy has led the way for many comics including Todd.

Memorials for Memorial Day

I'm heading to D.C. to hang out and do the same stuff I do in N.Y.C. but just in a different location. I, however, will go to visit Abe cause this is my fave memorial. Nothing says Memorial Day like making a pilgrimage to your favorite memorials! I never tire of the Lincoln Memorial. I'll also make a stop in Commander Salamander which was my favorite store in the 80s.

Blogger Relations

Last week I completed an interview about blogger relations for a company that sends white papers to agencies. You just may be reading this blog because you may have seen the URL in this document where I was listed as a blogging expert. I, however, thought it was ironic and hilarious that a senior leader from the company that interviewed me called me today with a "problem" about how the white papers were distributed to their clients and that the other bloggers in the study are pissed. He also pointed out in the phone message if I personally have any concerns about my own reputation being tarnished for being associated with this document that I should call him back and he would explain what happened. I did not call him back as I really have no reputation to tarnish.

I, however, would like to point out that this entire episode ironically is an example of BAD BLOGGER relations since I'm now blogging and making fun of this company. This is not positive PR for a PR company.

Rosie vs. Elizabeth

This is some A+ TV. I actually feel for Rosie. I work with someone who operates like Hasselback and it's tough.

Chuck it

Chuck it
Originally uploaded by zinegrrl.

xoxoanp.com demonstrates her own bad panties. Girls, this weekend throw away your skanky drawers. Let's start the summer in great fitting new undergarments! Old panties can ruin your day!

Girls Prefer Ugly Guys!

According to this article the majority of women prefer ugly old men. I, however am still a sucker for a pretty face who is not boring but these dudes are hard to find.

Bad Panties

There is nothing that screw up your day worse than wearing a bad pair of underwear. I vow for Memorial Day that I'm going to throw away all my bad underpants, bras and nightware. I'm starting the summer with a fresh ass.

The Bachelor Finale

I have to confess. I've been watching the Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman season finale. Tessa's mother lives in my hometown York and Andy is from Lancaster so I somehow got sucked into the cheesiest two hours of my television watching life.

Ancient Chinese Secrets

I must confess that I love finding new places for massages, manicures and facials run by Chinese immigrants. Not only are their prices CHEAP, but I've received much better services than I have at much more posh places such as Bliss, Equinox Spa and other top-rated salons. I can't link to the Web sites for these places because they don't have any but I'll fill you in on two of my favorite secret places.

Lotus Salon--This is located on West 8th Street and 6th Avenue across from the Barnes and Noble and above the Gray's Papaya hot dog stand. Aside from their $20 mani/pedi special, they give the best facial I've ever had. I have very sensitive skin and easily break out. I once left Bliss with cysts all over my face. When I leave Lotus, my skin is glowning and my blackheads are extracted. While you have to deal with the subtle aroma of hotdogs and lack of privacy, the final result is worth it. Ask for Mabel the owner and get the Salon Special facial for $65 which includes neck and shoulder massage.
Chinese Secret Massage--This is not the name of the place but it is located on Christopher Street between 6th and 7th Avenues down the block from the pet store. They have these little rooms sectioned off by curtains. The guys massaging runs into one another through the curtains and when they massage your feet they sit on a chair outside of the curtain. I get naked but always keep my underpants on. While this all sounds crazy, these guys are massage magicians. Go in and tell them your ailments and with some simple pressure techniques, they have stopped allergy attacks, cured sinus infections and cured blindess and all for the cost of about $50/hour. Rudy is my favorite.

Moment of Clarity

Today, I had a psychological breakthrough. I have a man in my life that I care very much about and today when we were on the phone while I was at work and I started bitching at him for being cranky. He replied, "I don't always have to be happy for you." He stated this in a nonabrasive manner as pure fact. I realized a few moments later that he's absolutely right. Neither he nor anyone else in my life has to be happy for me all the time and if someone is unhappy or in a bad mood, I shouldn't always take it personally. It's just not about me. I shouldn't put pressure on my relationships to perform for me. This all sounds very obvious but I think this thought pattern has hindered many relationships throughout my life. So, thank you, Teeks. I adore you even if you are a cranky pain-in-the-ass sometimes.

I Love New York

This shouldn't make me laugh, but it does.

Year of the Cat

People often tease me about how much I love my cat Maximillian Joseph. As a 30-something broad living along with her tabby, I realize that I'm a bit a social cliche. Last weekend, I saw the movie Year of the Dog which has really made me think about my relationship to my pet. Molly Shannon's character falls apart after her pet beagle unexpectedly dies. After this happens, she goes through a period of self-discovery accepting that her strong passion for her dogs and her committment to animal rights does not make her crazy, but defines her identity and gives her life purpose. Not all of us have the character to become dutiful wives or caring mothers or rich CEO's. Some of us define ourselves and are content as animal nuts and if our pets can provide us self-esteem, love, happiness and companionship, what is wrong or crazy about that? Plus, just look at Max's handsome face. Meow.

6 Degrees In York

My hometown local paper the York Daily Record has a hilarious new feature where people write in how they are "6 degrees" away from knowing a famous person. I think this is hilarious since I'm from York and actually could serve as a conduit to other Yorkers who know me since I actually know and have met many famous people. Some unsuspecting Yorkers who know me would be shocked to learn that they are only two degrees away from a variety of celebrities such as Russell Simmons, Madonna, Jane Krawkowski, Billy Baldwin, Johnny Rotten and the Zog.

Check this article out. It is hilarious.

Spring Awakening Sweeps Tony Noms!

Spring Awakening, the best musical I saw this season, garnered 11 Tony noms! I love that Broadway is recognizing this great show. If you come to NYC, run and don't walk to see this show. The music is fantastic.

Reality Really Bites!

Remember when Ethan was hot? I do, especially that fateful night at Wetlands. I suppose we were both younger and cuter then.

Dear White Corporate Male America

One of the archaic cultural elements of working in corporate America is that there are still men in charge who think using sports metaphors (especially baseball and football terms) in large team meetings is an appropriate way to get their team excited. For example, a headline to a page in a presentation might say "Hit a Grand Slam" or he might mention his son's Little League team's strategy, or he might make a joke out of some sports scores. (I can't even quote an example because I tune out to this kind of bullshit.) I find this kind of white male rhetoric exclusive and sexist and it really doesn't motivate me or pump me up to succeed. While I appreciate the person in question loves himself some team spots, I also think consistently using sports metaphors to motivate a diverse group of people would be as arbitrary as me leading a team using my love of cats.

Here are some examples of how arbitrary this kind of rhetoric can be:

1. Don't Be Pussies: Facilitating Change
2. Catch that Mouse! Get 10 million accounts!
3. Get Out Your Scratching Posts: Annual Review Guidelines
4. Catnip Crazy: Getting Feedback from Your Boss
5. Your Jacobson's Organ: Sniffing Out New Trends
6. Cleaning Out the Litterbox: Audit Kickoff!

See how crazy that sounds? I, however, am smart enough to know that some people hate cats and people would think I was kind of crazy and wonder why in the hell they worked for a company that used this kind of crazy cat talk.

Christopher Just Kicked It

I can't fucking believe this.

Babylonian Idol Podcast-The Final Four

THIS WEEK ON BABYLONIAN IDOL
WE'RE DOWN TO THE FINAL FOUR!

Experience the talented Todd, Rachel, Mr. T, and the return of Barry Bellenbogen. Don't forget to vote at BewareOfTheBabylon.com

OTHER STAR-MAKING TOPICS INCLUDE:

* the ghost of dylan thomas

* sweet & vicious rumours about british royalty

* how we both once got a little hasselhoff

* just for the sponsorship of it, diet coke

* how to become more "global"

* what to do when your pussy gets wet

As always, this, and EVERY, BEWARE OF THE BABYLON podcast can be automatically downloaded to your computer and transferred to your iPod through iTunes.

OR, just listen right here and now with the audio player below...


powered by ODEO

Jane Rules

Is it me, or does Jane Fonda look the best out of these three?

Big Black Hole Tuesday

Tuesday is the worst day of the week. As usual, today sucked like all other days.

1. I woke up with a killer headache.
2. The final four on American Idol all suck.
3. I'm fucking starving after 100% committing back to Weight Watchers.
4. All my friends at work quit and I don't have any more good friends at the office.
5. I have nothing exciting to blog about.
6. MJ Cat just fell in the tub and then as revenge bit me.

Costume Institute Gala Red Carpet Arrivals

Next to the Oscars, the Costume Institute Gala at the Met has become one of my favorite annual fashion events. This year, however, the event celebrating Poiret: King of Fashion was more of an actual costume party than a fashion show. Celebrities dressed up as gorillas, other celebrities, tin foil, and former first ladies as they crowded the red carpet. Here's some highlights:


Parker Posey dressed up as Cat Scratch Fever.


Is that Amanda Lepore? No, it's Jessica Simpson!

Jennifer Garner as former first lady Nancy Reagan.

Mary-Kate Olsen dressed up in a classic gorilla suit.

Renee Zellweger dressed up as a tube of toothpaste.

Christina Ricci went as Terri Hatcher.

Chloe Sevigny is a magical leprichan.

Kelly Ripa dressed up a fake-baked TV star.

Jennifer Connelly went as Reynolds Wrap.

Cameron Diaz dressed up like a movie star.

Cate Blanchett dressed as the greatest puppet of all time-Madame!

Who is that robot with Marc Anthony?

Julianne Moore dressed up as Sienna Miller dressed up as Edie Sedgwick.

Paris Hilton Sentenced to Prison!

I usually don't care about Paris Hilton gossip but I just learned that the self-entitled heiress is going to jail for breaking her parole. I love it when celebs who think they are above the law go to prison.

Hasselhoff is the New Baldwin

The Beware of the Baldwincast

The rude and thoughtless little pigs of podcasting return in this very special podcast focusing on the future, but also kind of a little on the past.

This week's angst-ridden podcast also includes...

• thoughts on our need for a DJ name

• how France made Todd Alec Baldwin deficient

• quality time with crazy right wing Rachel

• Bronski Beat sings the latest Jock Jams

• what The Sopranos has in common with Melrose Place

• marketing buzzword mad-libs for all ages

As always, this, and EVERY, BEWARE OF THE BABYLON podcast can be automatically downloaded to your computer and transferred to your iPod through iTunes.

OR, just listen right here and now with the audio player below...

Tribeca Film Festival Update

Tonight I attended a BAFTA reception at the Soho House in honor of British filmmakers showing at the Tribeca film festival. I haven't been to the "Ho-Ho" house in years but despite the fact that (as usual) Todd bagged going to BAFTA with me, I put on a new Spring outfit and went all by myself. Within the first ten minutes, I made a new friend named Wendy who works at WE TV. The only celeb we spotted was Kim Catrall. Jane Rosenthal was also there but Jane is not a celeb.

The most interesting part of the evening is that I actually ran into someone in from LA that I met during that crazy party I went to last fall in LA. If you read that post, you can see how traumatic that evening was for me. So, I said to him, "It's surprising to see you" and he replied, "I'm actually not surprised to see you. You have a blog." What the hell does that mean?

Rules of the Pool

I just started swimming as part of my fitness routine and there are all these rules of the pool. I'm trying to figure out if the pool rules are a metaphor for real life rules. I'm learning these rules by making mistakes or by having the lifeguard yell at me for breaking them.

1. Don't swim in the fast lane if you really want to swim slowly. It's not a race.
2. Make sure all your hair is tucked into the cap or you will get in trouble.
3. Don't assume you will be rotating lanes. You may just be asked to swim in the same one.
4. Make sure to breathe.
5. Old goggles are not as clear as new ones.
6. Make sure to doll up after your swim. You might run into someone on the way home.

Gemma Massot: Where in the hell are you?

The woman on the right used to be my very close friend and ward named Gemma Massot. I would like to get back in touch with her. If any of you can find her or have her information, please contact me! I miss her!

Flirt Cosmetics

Vanessa Manilo aka Nick Lachey's girlfriend unveiled her new line of cosmetics today. Despite the fact that I can't imagine that Manilo's brand is worthy of a cosmetic licensing deal, I'm curious why all of Lachey's broads are forced to whore themselves to "create" their own cosmetic lines. Remember Jessica Simpson's failed of Dessert products which you could lick off your woman which was first sold as high-end at Sephora and then low-end at Walmart and then went out of business? Does Lachey have some kind of stock in some lipstick producing factory? Please explain this to me.

Dutch

To all you suitors out there, I hate going dutch. Either you pay or I pay, but going dutch is just not sexy and you lose any chance of hitting even first base after splitting the check, so don't even try.

Thumbs Up, Roger!

For months, I've been wondering where Roger Ebert has been hiding. Ebert has always been one of my favorite popular film critics. Roger Ebert has suffered a long bout recoving from salivary gland cancer and due to some unsuccessful operations he has lost his ability to speak. Roger, I don't care what you look like! I look forward to reading more of your reviews soon! Read his touching story in the Chicago Sun Times here.

Frenemies in the News

Here's a roundup of my friends and enemies in current news:
1. My former rich employer sues Bronfman for $100million and accuses him of being stupid. Bronfman accues Snyder of being a "hanger on." I'm not sure who to believe but I hope this suit isn't costing me any tax dollars.
2. Mrs. Seinfeld won't comment on what she has or what doesn't have. I have no comment about this either.
3. Russel Simmons demands "no mo hos."

New Beast in Babylon

A woman in my 30's, I'm constantly receiving endless birth announcements from my friends having human babies. I, however, would like to salute the nontraditional new members into the nycbabylon family. These cats, dogs, horses, fish and other beasts continue to bring joy and purpose into the lives of my fabulous single friends. For this reason, I'd like to congratulate my dear friend Deirdre on the arrival of her new beast, Ryley Horse Silver.

Don't Waste the Pretty

Back in 2005, I was on a mission to "not waste the pretty." Somewhere since this period, I've lost sight of my own mission. After recent layoffs at work, my good pal leaving the bank, and a recent selection of bad dates, I decided to get back on track with my mission statement. From this day forward, I WILL NOT WASTE THE PRETTY.

What does this mean? This means that I alone am responsible for my happiness. If men, work and friends are not providing me with what I need to be happy, I will make strong efforts to express these needs in order to resolve and change the situation. This effort, in turn, will make myself accountable again for my own success and happiness.

So, heads up. I'm back.

I'm pretty. Don't fuck with me.

Sign of the Whippet

Many people know that 4 leaf clovers or shooting stars can be a sign of good luck, but very few know about the Magical Sign of the Whippet. The more whippets you spot within shorter period of time, the more luck you will have for the following day and week. Today I spotted 3 whippets which means this should be an excellent week.

Shear Genius Expose!

We're only into the second week, but I had an insider's tip about Rene Fris, the Tim Gunn wanna be on Bravo's new reality series Shear Genius. The bio includes the following information. My tipster also commented on the Bravo site, but his post was removed! The Fris coverup is becoming one of the greatest scams in reality TV show history!

Fris' accolades have included: Head Stylist at Elizabeth Arden's
Red Door
Salon at Saks 5th Avenue, Celebrity Stylist for John Frieda Salons,
Grooming
Specialist on the TV series “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” in
Europe,
author of two best selling men's and women's grooming books, owner
of an
internationally acclaimed product line bearing his name, and a
successful
modeling career with the Wilhelmina Modeling Agency. He has shaped the careers
of hundreds of stylists, and the list of celebrities and
models that have
passed through his doors is endless

.

According to my source, this claim above is a complete
lie. Fris was actually fired from John Frieda for not bringing in clients, let
alone celebrities. Also, since when is Saks considered a celebrity salon? If you
look at Fris' personal site, his editorial work is mediocre at best. Since when
is Euroman a high-fashion hair magazine? As for the products, if they are not at
Ricky's then they don't exist.

I'm Safe

I'm safe but don't really want to discuss it.

Pink Wednesday

So, tomorrow is the day anywhere from 15,000-45,000 are getting pink slipped at the bank and I still fear I could be one of them. If I'm safe, tomorrow is still going to suck because there is nothing worse than working in corporate America and seeing people lose their jobs. During the dot com bust, I was layed off TWICE which marked a terrible period emotionally, physically and financially for me and I would hate for me or anyone else to face the challenges of searching for a good job while making ends meet at a demeaning part-time job, fearing an accident while being unable to afford health insurance and most of all feeling isolated and rejected. Some people I work with have stated they'd be thrilled to be canned. Well, these people should just resign and save the job for someone who actually needs/wants to work. So, I'm going to put on my navy blue suit tommorrow morning and watch the other shoe drop.

D-Listers

While this video is fascinating due to the bizarre Tinsley Mortimer fashion shoot, what really captured my attention is the editor-in-chief Devorah and socialite Wannabe stylist Gregory. I don't know much about these two except that they are ALL OVER myspace and share friends with some of my friends. Before this video was mocked by Gawker and Socialite Ranks, these two social climbers had public profiles on myspace which I somehow became entranced with while browsing through profiles one evening. (Yes, I'm a loser.) I know that Gregory hosts parties with some very big tall broad named Kelly, Devorah has some little dog named Stella and her main claim to fame is that she's best friends with Joan Lunden's daughter. They hang out at Marquee and Bungalow and still think the Hamptons is pretty cool.

Cat Rides Bus

Somewhere in England, this cat takes the bus to get fish and chips. So, perhaps we are not joking when we say MJ Cat is out at Magnolia pawing the cupcakes or going for a rat snack and Kentaco.

Read the article here.

Happy Easter!

Above, is the winning peeps diarama from the York Daily Record contest. They really know how to have a good time in our Nation's First Capital.

Madonna Weeps

This is a billboard in London.

Phone Etiquette

Something that drives me crazy is when I call someone (usually a parent) and they unexpectedly "put someone on the phone" which can include someone you haven't spoken to in 20 yrs, your old pediatrician, your 3rd grade gym teacher or an old boyfriend. This, of course, is excused if the person is your spouse or child and lives with you. First of all, if I am calling you, I am calling you and not the person you want to put on the phone. This puts everyone in a bad position. Here's why:
1. I may owe this person a phone call and by you telling them it is me on the phone shows that I have time to call you, but not them.
2. I may only have time to talk to you from work and want to call this person back when I can savor the conversation.
3. This person may not want to talk to me.
4. This person might be busy or distracted and not have time to talk.
5. I could have had a huge fight with this person or secret romantic relations and now you are putting everyone on the spot in a public space.
6. I could be running out of free minutes.
7. I could have nothing to say to this person and vice versa creating a very awkward phone convo.

There are many other possibilities, but I hope you learned that if you are in situation where you might feel compelled to "put someone on" and you see it is me, don't pick up the fucking phone!

P.S. Steph, you fall under "2" and I still owe you a call!

Pollen

So, the pollen count is high as hell and I've been at home dying for the past 30 hours. My lungs are tight and I've taken so much Benedryl, I feel like Anna Nicole about to kick it at the Hard Rock.

Don't Hang the DJ

So, last night, I debuted my new DJ career at Luv. Let me tell you, DJing is hot and hard. We kept the place full during our entire set. Also, I'd really like to thank all my great friends who came to support us. For those of you who ignored the invite, you missed one hell of a time!