I'm Waiting for the Man

I never reported this, but my close friend Kristen put me on dating probation earlier this month. She said that my judgment has been cloudy and that I wasn't allowed to go on any dates until December. This ban lifts as of midnight tonight and I've been clearing my mind over the past two weeks.

Over the Thanksgiving holiday, I reread my 10th Grade Diary and in it, I listed the qualities I was looking for in a new boyfriend. As an experiment, for the month of December, I will now only consider men who meet most or all of these qualifications. I think I was wiser back then.

What I Want in a Boyfriend
December 15, 1986

1. He is nice
2. He is cute
3. He gets me
4. He likes reggae
5. He likes to dance
6. He likes to read poetry
7. He likes pets
8. He looks good in his clothing
9. He is nice to my friends and family
10. He is smart
11. He doesn't play guessing games
12. He doesn't have a girlfriend
13. He isn't prejudice
14. He likes to read books
15. He goes shopping with me at the mall
16. He thinks I'm cool and smart
17. He lets me pick the movie
18. He's just not looking for sex
19. He's not fake or a poser
20. He likes to ski

More Big Black Hole Questions

As most of you know, I spent my holiday in good old York, PA. Since I have lived in New York for so long, when I am in York and see Native Yorkers, they wrongly think I have all the answers. Here are some of the questions asked over Thanksgiving:

1. How do you know when someone is your boyfriend?
2. What is the maximum you will spend on your hair?
3. Is that you what you wear when you go out in New York? Didn't you stand out at the India Sports Bar and Grill in gold pumps and a tulle skirt?
4. Do you ever feel like you are just making stuff up at work and really don't know what you are doing?
5. Do you think you will ever get married?
6. Where do you put all your stuff in a small apartment?
7. Do you think you will ever leave New York City?
8. What exactly does "third base" mean?

Gotham Image

As Regis is to Kelly or as Mary Kate is to Ashley or as Nick is to Jessica, Gotham Image is to Nycbabylon. As my local counterpoint and occasional stalker, I'm so glad I've inspired him to start his own blog. Keep checking in with him, because I know from the amount of emails he can send it one day, he can be quite prolific and has many interesting comments.

York vs. New York on Thanksgiving: The Great Friday Catblog Debate

Due to some crazy law where animals can't travel on Amtrak, I have been forced to spend Thanksgiving weekend all alone. Here are the pros and cons of spending a holiday alone in New York versus with my family in York:

Pros:
1. I can catch up on sleep. Nobody is bugging me and I can do whatever I want without supervision.
2. I don't have to be away and wondering what all my friends are doing. My friends can just drop by and see me and bring me food and pet me and I then they leave and I can go back to bed.
3. Nobody asks me where I am going and what I am doing.
4. I am not forced to eat food outside of my diet and don't have to worry about gaining any holiday weight.
5. I can watch whatever I want on TV and am not forced to sit through a horrendous screening of Jim Carrey in the Grinch.

Cons:
1. I miss sleeping with someone. It's cold alone here in the bed by myself.
2. I am missing all the good holiday sales at Walmart and Target. Walmart is open 24 hrs. a day in York.
3. I don't have that fantastic opportunity of bumping into some high school crush who now works in a factory and seeing a faint hint of regret on his face as we catch up.
4. I don't have anyone to argue with. Holidays are a great time for free-for-all family fighting.
5. It's lonely being single during the holidays no matter where you are.

Things for which I give Thanks

I just ate a lot of turkey and drank a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc and the following is what I am thankful for this year and this moment. I mean it.

1. MJ Cat-He brings me joy every day and I look forward to returning home after a boring day at work and seeing him roll around on the floor and purr with excitement when I walk in the door.
2. Caller ID-I only have to speak with whom I desire.
3. The Olsen Twins-My favorite source of celebrity gossip now lives on my street!
4. The Risotteria-My favorite neighborhood hangout always provides me with a place where everybody knows my name.
5. Pamprin-From headaches to back aches to bloating to cramping, Pamprin can cure any illness while adding an element of sedation. And it goes great with turkey and white wine.
6. I am thankful for my very good friends including Ken, Joe, Jen, Federico, Kristen, Diane, James, Mark, Deirdre and Todd. Like the Oscars, I can't name all of you but I couldn't survive without you. You all complete me.
7. Chantelle- I would like to thank the French company that makes the only bras that actually fit me comfortably.
8. New York City-I am feeling sentimental now that I am away, but I am thankful that I live in the best city on this earth. I'm never bored.

Back to the Creator

I am heading out of town today. I will post from the land where they are back to teaching Creationism in public schools. I am not joking.

Swiff it Good?

This weekend I viewed a TV advertisement that was even more upsetting for me than the predictable Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason. Have I entered a time warp and am now living in 1955? Although I've seen this advertisement more than once, this weekend, the ad hit me like a brick in my ass. The ad is for the Swiffer Duster. In the ad, a thirtysomething woman maniacally dances around someone's house to the tune of Devo's "Whip It" which has been modified with the lyrics, "Swiff it Good." Because the ad revolves around the use of an 80's pop song, I know that I am the targeted demographic for this product. First of all, I think Swiffers kind of suck. I have one and actually find a paper towel with some Windex is a lot more effective. Aside from this, these are my problems with the Swiff it Good commercial:

1. I blame this type of televised propaganda for me being single. I mean, this commercial reinforces the stereotype that women love to clean. I have enough trouble cleaning my own house and would NEVER clean anyone else's house, even if I had the BEST cleaning tool ever. Yet, I've had at least two men break up with me because my apartment is not very clean. I don't like cleaning and I don't have much time for cleaning and this should show that I am a complex, fun, intelligent and interesting woman who would rather go out on the town than vacuum or do dishes. Most men, however, expect a woman to keep a neat and clean home and stupid ads like this reinforce this idea to men in my dating demographic. In fact, all the women that I know who spend time being clean and neat have boyfriends or husbands. I, however, agree with what Quentin Crisp once brilliantly said, "You should never clean where you live, because after four years, it doesn't get any dirtier." And if I ever meet somebody and we end up living together, I promise to pay for a cleaning service.

2. Recently, I had a friend actually SEND OUT AN EVITE asking her friends to come and help her clean out her closet. For the past month, all three members on her invite list have been busy during the proposed time. I blame the Swiffer ad for making women think it is acceptable to actually INVITE friends over like it is some kind of party to help her clean her house. As I said in statement #1, I hate cleaning. If the ad would have shown a man cleaning some strange woman's house with the duster, I think sales would skyrocket. Proctor and Gamble could have shown the woman returning home and getting it on with the man for cleaning her house. Now, that would have been a good use of the song and a much better advertisement.

3. I have to confess, I never really liked the song "Whip It." I always thought it was boring. As for the use of 80's songs in advertisement, I preferred HP's use of the Cure's Pictures of You for the HP Digital Camera. I found that ad more resonant and relevant to my life and it made me want/need a digital camera more than I want a Swiffer duster. Sometimes I feel like my memories are as disposable as the dust on my TV screen.

The Declinist

Please check out my West Coast counterpoint's new blog entitled the Declinist. He's smart and we agree on most subjects. The only problem with the Declinist is that he's too pessimistic to marry me.

The Boob is Back

First of all, again I want to thank all the strangers who supported me over the past week. I received a letter yesterday in the mail stating "We are pleased to inform you that the results of your tests are negative." I wonder if they had bad news if they would have sent me a letter. Now, I can sleep. To all the women out there, be sure to check your breasts. I never realized how important this can be.

Nine Lives versus One Life: Friday Catblog

Here I am out walking on my leash. As you can see, I'm feeling much better. My person, however, had to experience the human medical system this week. Here's the difference between vets and doctors in this country:

1. It's easier to get an appointment with a vet. Doctors sometimes are overbooked. When I had my emergency, my vet saw me immediately while my person had to beg for appointments.
2. The doctor makes you wait much longer than a vet. My vet's office is very organized, while most doctors are not as organized. Doctors, however, have better magazines.
3. When you go to the vet, you are guaranteed somebody who cares about you will take you and pet you during your visit. When you are human, you might have to go alone to the doctor.
4. Vets don't take insurance and I don't work so vet care is costly. This is a con of being a cat.
5. I can tell my vet really cares about me. It's sometimes hard to tell with people who work at the people hospital, especially rude receptionists at Beth Israel Medical Center.
6. You don't have to get naked at the vet.
7. Doctors don't put people to sleep. When you go to the vet, there is a chance you could get the death needle.
8. Cats have nine lives. Humans only have one.

Lump Update

Thanks to everyone for their kind emails and support. I'll have the final diagnosis in 4-5 business days. In any case, I'm finally tired of strangers touching my breasts.

The 25 Million Dollar Hoax

Did anyone else watch this crazy program? Although it's the bottom of the Reality TV Show barrel, the show was somehow very compelling. I don't quite understand the premise of "pretending" to win 25 million dollars and going on a fake spending spree in order to piss of your family. There are much easier ways to piss off your family spending all of your real money.

FOB's (Friends of Babylon)

Many strangers are linking to my site. From a reluctant Republican to a blonde intellect, I'm getting referrals from all kinds of bloggers! Check out my new blogging friends! Unlike the blogger in NY Time's Sunday article, I want to make it clear that I am not dating any of these people.

Running Scared (the reluctant Republican who is scared of me)
Mind of Mog (catblogger!)
The Modulator (politics and cats)
The Blonde Intellect
When Cats Attack
Your Moosey Fate (catblogger!)
Beware of the Blog

The Lump

Just when I thought things couldn't be worse, it now is. First I suffered getting dumped and then my cat got really really sick and now a round lump has been diagnosed in my left breast. I am trying to be confident. I hope it just turns out to be a cyst. Also, be warned that the receptionist at the Beth Israel Ambulatory center is a total uncaring bitch!

Fat is Back

Is being fat back in style? Based on the following, I think we all should gain at least 15 pounds as soon as possible.

1. Renee Zellweger is fatter in the second installment of Bridget Jones and attracts Hugh Grant and Colin Firth.
2. Neil Lebute's new play is called, "Fat Pig."
3. After hiding out for what seems a very long time, Monica Lewinsky has reappeared in the gossip columns.
4. Thanksgiving is in two weeks.
5. Anorexia is out (i.e. Mary Kate Olsen)

It's Better to Be a Live Cat than a Dead Lion: Friday Catblog by MJ Cat

I've had a terrible week. The medicine in the needle in my ass for my loss of fur totally suppressed my immune system causing me to get a serious upper respiratory virus. I'm on the mend but I learned some things from my first real illness.

1. If someone has to take you to the emergency room at 2AM, don't jump out of your box and bite and hiss at the vet. It's best to be honest with your doctor and a trip to the ER is expensive so get your money's worth. Some cats don't have insurance.
2. If someone wants to wipe your nose and eyes with a warm cloth, let her. This is in your best interest and will make you feel better. Don't let your pride get in the way.
3. Take your medicine even if it means someone has to force a nasty tasting liquid down the back of your throat with a medicine dropper. Medicine makes a sick cat feel better.
4. Rest and don't push yourself. Let someone bring your bowl to the bed.
5. Although you might feel better hiding in a box under the bed in the middle of the night, if you notice that your person is looking for you for an hour, alert her to where you are hiding or she will freak out and think that you are dead. It's better to be a live cat, than a dead lion.

Favorite New Blog

Since I'm sort on hiatus today after an emotionally complicated week, I thought I'd point out my favorite new blog. Check our Crazy Emails From Men. I hope this gets "fleshed" out.

Desperately Seeking Sanity

I am seeking a new man to take me into 2005. Here is what I'm looking for in a potential date. In my heart, I fear he doesn't exist.

1. Married men need not apply. This includes men who are recently separated or who have not seemed to settle their differences with their ex-spouses.
2. Please live in one city, unless you have the funds and time to entertain me in all of your homes.
3. Please do not have any kind of erectile dysfunction. I am in my prime.
4. Please return phone calls or call when you say you will call.
5. If you don't eat meat, don't apply.
6. Despite not being an vegetarian, please like animals and be kind to them. I live with one.
7. Please do not have any upcoming scheduled appearances in any of my favorite media outlets, because if things don't work out with us, I don't want the image of you to ruin my favorite TV show, magazine, song, etc.
8. Please do not plan on leaving town for over a month after our first date. (See #2).
9. If you are a neat freak, it will not work out.
10. Please do not have any current substance abuse problems.

Is this asking for too much?

The Big Black Hole

Last night after attending a very depressing screening of Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason, I met my friend Kristen to discuss the meaning of life. Based on our conversation, here some of the questions I will attempt to answer as this month continues:

1. Why is it that there are some weeks when nobody returns your phone calls, emails or letters? What creates this big black hole?
2. Why is it that perhaps I am more doable, than dateable?
3. Does Renee Zellweger look better fat or skinny?
4. Am I finally sick of Reality TV?
5. Is Netflix really worth it?
6. How many songs does one really need on an ipod?
7. What makes a grown man want to be spanked?
8. How long does it take for a cat to recover from an upper respiratory virus?

Weekend Roundup: Coffee, Tea, Cats and Me

Here is a brief round-up of my weekend:

Meet Friday night date. Serve tea. Finish tea. Date leaves.
Take Max to ER in the middle of the night. Max acts healthy at ER. Return home and go to bed. Wake up and can't find Max. Search for him for an hour. Find him in corner cowering under the bed. He is very sick. Call vet. Go to vet and get antibiotic for Max. Administer antibiotic. Max pukes. Call vet again. She advises to try again in five hours. I suffer severe allergy attack from being in too many vet offices. Take two Claritin for my own allergy attack. Read Cat for Dummies to learn about how to administer medicine to cat. Watch the Warrior and the Princess. Successfully administer antibiotic. Martha comes over for dinner, but leaves. She seemed disturbed by too much sneezing and wheezing from both me and my cat. Sleep for 14 hours with Max. Serve Max his cat food in bed. Pet him all day. Go to grocery store for more cat food. Now making beef stew. Max is still sleeping. Haven't heard from the spanker.

A Needle in My Ass: Friday catblog

I literally lost fur over the ups and downs of this fateful election week. In fact, I think a lost one of my nine lives. My owner likes lists, so in honor of her, here's what I learned this week.

1. When you go to the vet or doctor, don't jump off the table mid-injection or you might just have a big needle left in your ass. It's better to quickly accept inevitable pain than to prolong it with rebellious behavior.
2. Don't wriggle out of your harness or you will be forced into a plastic box. It's better to walk on leash than to be carried in a cage.
3. I have seasonal allergies which is why I'm losing fur on the back of my neck. If I don't scratch this area, it will heal.
4. Politicians should address pet insurance. Perhaps Democrats have lost focus on what Americans really care about.
5. Democracy Plaza is a place on television.
6. Sometimes it's OK to bite the hand that feeds you. She will just put on big gloves and love you anyway.
7. Based on the amount of emails I received this week, cats are the new black...not Ohio.

He Seems Into Me

After a month of feeling like a crazy old cat lady, I finally have a sign of what it feels like to have someone "into me." When making plans with someone I met a few years ago but nothing ever materialized, I received the following email invitation:

You will be at the fountain at Lincoln Center on Friday night in a becoming dress and not sensible shoes and that we will take it from there.

Details to come.

What to do When He's Not Into You

I just read one of those bland "How to Get Over Him" articles in the York Daily Record. (I know, I'm obsessed with my hometown newspaper.) This article is especially hilarious because the advice comes from my childhood shrink who my mother sent me to when I was a 8 so I wouldn't be fucked up when I got older. I would only speak to her through the use of a puppet. In any case, I found this article and now she is doling out love advice. Don't listen to her. Take mine:

1. Immediately after you receive the bad news that he either has another girlfriend, has serious mental problems, is gay or is simply still not over someone else, go home and start acting in a true state of irrational behavior and denial. Act crazy and call old boyfriends. Chain smoke, eat a pizza, pace your apartment and whatever you do, don't sleep.

2. Listen to the saddest song you can repeatedly for four hours straight. Call him on the phone and have nothing to say.

3. Be tired, defeated and melancholy. Feel full of regret. Go out with a friend who is or recently has been in your position and bitch and moan and feel sorry for yourselves. Let your self-esteem go rock bottom and be slightly self destructive. Do whatever you need to do to ensure that you start getting on your own nerves. For example, call the dumper and be mad at yourself for being so weak. Buy tons and tons of crap from target.com and eat a bucket of KFC. Whatever it is, wear yourself out and resolve that the next day you are not going to be an asshole anymore and if you can't be good to yourself, nobody else is going to be good to you.

4. Rebound. Have sex with someone you don't know very well. Make sure he is hotter than the guy that dumped you. Also make sure that you have nothing in common with this rebound dude because there is no way it's going to develop. Make sure you kick him out of your apartment after sex. This will take your mind off being dumped for at least 4 hours.

5. Dye your hair a new color. Hate it. Dye it back. Fight with your hairdresser. A week will fly by during your hair crisis.

6. Start making tons and tons of social plans, bitch in your blog and drive your girlfriends crazy.

7. Start a major diet. Ask yourself repeatedly if the real reason he dumped you, is perhaps because you are fat. Lose 7 pounds in one week.

8. Walk down the street repeating to yourself, "I am one hot piece of ass," and try to believe it.

Thomas Jefferson was Wise

"A little patience, and we shall see the reign of witches pass over,their spells dissolve, and the people, recovering their true sight,restore their government to its true principles. It is true that in themeantime we are suffering deeply in spirit, and incurring the horrors ofa war and long oppressions of enormous public debt..... If the gameruns sometimes against us at home we must have patience till luck turns, and then we shall have an opportunity of winning back the principles we have lost, for this is a game where principles are at stake."

Shrugs are Ugly

This is my final report on the 2004 election. I watched Bush's acceptance speech and couldn't help but notice the twin's outfits. I think Jenna is the blonde one and Barbara is the brunette. Jenna's weird lace shirt with the sexy pink camisole shirt seemed to have this very weird ruffle going down the back. Where did she buy that? Rave? And was Barbara wearing a shrug? I hate shrugs.

Todd's Blog

Please check out Todd's new blog. For those of you don't know Todd, he's fabulous.

Another Four Years of Crap

I'm hoping and praying that NBC has made some kind of major mistake with their projections. I am fucking boycotting Ohio.

On Thin Ice?

The ice map is in Democracy Plaza. I just wanted to write that sentence.

Where in the hell is Democracy Plaza?

One of the greatest mysteries of me regarding this election is who in the hell started this Democracy Plaza shit? I mean aren't they in Rockefeller Center? When did this name come into such common use that even Entertainment Tonight seems to be reporting from this new place called Democracy Plaza. I'll have more comments when I return from dinner at Yama.

Election Day

I voted and now will be up all night watching TV viewing the returns. For the record, those voting booths are sort of confusing. I had to think while I voted. I hope Kerry wins. I'm nervous.

New Month, New Nerves, New Neuroses

After a long and painful October, I'm relieved it's a new month. Although I am feeling much better than I did one month ago, here is what I am worried about for November.

1. I am worried about the election. I am worried that Bush will win. I am worried what will happen if Kerry wins.
2. I am worried about my weight. I ate too much during my October meltdown and now need to diet just in time as the holiday season begins!
3. I am worried about my cat. He has this weird patch on his neck where his hair is falling out. I have to take him to the vet. I'm worried about how much this will cost.
4. I am worried I will die alone.
5. I am worried that my computer will soon die.
6. I am worried about this Osama tape. I hate Osama.
7. I am worried about the mess in my apartment. I don't think I'll ever clean up.
8. I am worried about somebody that I am not supposed to worry about anymore.