Friday, April 15, 2005

Ask MJ Cat- Friday Catblog

It's time for everyone's favorite expert MJ Cat to answer all your questions! MJ Cat just received his PhD in Cultural Studies from a top online university and continues studying at DeVry. He also has a MA in Cinema Studies, which according to the New York times is the "new M.B.A." MJ can answer questions on any topic from any human being.
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Dear MJ Cat: How can we preserve the character of the West Village? As more designer boutiques move in and more funky little mom and pop shops close up, are we doomed to become nothing more than a fashion magnet for vacationing Eurotrash and filthy rich Japanese tourists? Marc Jacobs seems like a nice guy and all when we run into him at brunch, but does he really need TWO STORES on Bleecker Street? Is there hope?--Barry, New York, NY

Dear Barry: I think you might be barking up the wrong cat. When I was mousing in a West Village restaurant, the filty rich Japanese tourists left the biggest tips. The two Marc Jacobs stores down the street inspire my person to work harder and advance her career with the hope of finally being able to afford all those cute shoes and bags she sees windows. If it wasn't for the Eurotrash and the Japanese tourists spending their cash in the hood, we'd both be still working and living in the restaurant. Now we can afford a little catnip and we have our weekends free.

Dear MJ Cat: I've been in France all week and I can not help but notice the complete lack of cats (les chats) and abundance of dogs (les chiens). Has France gone to the dogs? Is hunting cats going to be en vouge? Je ne comprend pas!-Todd, sent via Blackberry, Paris, France

Dear Todd: Yo no hablo frances. Yo hablo espanol, ingles y gato. Tambien, no me gusta mesages de un Blackberry.

Dear MJ: What is your favorite Passover food? Do you prefer chopped liver, as all the canines in the family have, or gefilte fish, because you are a cat?--Your Aunt Ellen, Washington, D.C.

Dear Aunt Ellen: If you would come vist me in person, you would see that my fur is beautiful due to the fact that I only eat dry Iams cat chows. I don't like people food except an occasional bite of Healthy Choice turkey. As for gefilte fish, it's disgusting, even for a cat.

Dear Maximillian Joseph: I'm looking for a job. I've exhausted my network. Beyond my active network there are all sorts of former co-workers around New York that I loathe; however, some of these loathsome people are also in pretty great positions and very well may know of some opportunity for me. I cannot bring myself to make the call. It feels totally disingenuous. Should I honor my integrity, or suck it up 'cause I need the work?-- Conflicted, New York, NY

Dear Conflicted: Suck it up and jump for the catdancer! Do you think I'd be writing to you right now under the influence of catnip from the comfort of my soft bed in my apartment if I hadn't sucked it up and purred for my person? It sure beats sleeping on the cold cement floor.

Dear MJ: A pregnant friend (who already knows she's having a boy) told me about a circumcision practice where the foreskin would be donated to a burn unit. Do you have an opinion on this?--Eileen, New York, NY

Dear Eileen: Do you prefer chopped liver or gefilte fish for Passover? As you know, I was castrated as a kitten. It would have been nice if my old parts could benefit someone in need.

Dear MJ: Why has the low-rise jeans trend persisted for so long? I am sick of having my husband ask me when I'm going to repair the sink every time I bend over to pick up something.--JH, New Boston, NH

Dear JH: Did you see Cameron Diaz on SNL last week? Her super low-cut jeans were unattractive and her entire public bone was revealed. Yet, this type of public celebrity display can explain how the trend persists. The only way you can make it go away is to stop buying these jeans. My person did and she looks hot in her vintage Levis without a thong peeking out from the top.

Dear MJ Cat: Golf season is finally here in the Northeast. However, my favorite
course just changed their club rules to say that you can't bring your own alcoholic drinks out on the course in your cart. (The greedy bastards want you to only buy drinks in the bar and take them out or from the drink cart they drive around, and their prices are nothing short of piracy.) Golf is expensive enough as it is! But playing without a cocktail for the back nine is uncivilized. What should I do?--Jazz from Running Scared

Dear Jazz: Perhaps you need to take your golf more seriously. I never mouse on catnip.

Dear MJ: Do you know how to get brain out of a silk tie?--Playing Doctor, Jacksonville, FL

Dear Doc: We have a dry cleaner here in the city who is so good that he can even get out the smell of cat urine. I think you need to visit soon and we'll drop the tie off with him. This is a local store that we need to keep in business.

Dear MJ: I have a crush on a professor and am relatively certain he is crushing right back. I am a doctoral student and am concerned that pursuing this crush might be a very bad idea. However, he's really cute and smart. MJ, what should I do? (In a related question, if we do date, and eventually break up, do I keep him on my dissertation committee?)--DMB, MI

Dear DMB: I don't sleep near my litter box. You shouldn't either.

Dear MJ: I have just celebrated my 9th birthday and would like some advice on how best to spend my mid-life crisis? I still have plenty of energy and curiosity, but what new things can I do? Day in, day out, it’s the same thing. I sleep a bit, then chase things that aren’t there, then sleep a bit more. I meow at my owner and bat at her to pay attention to me, but it’s all just become very run of the mill. Any suggestions on how a handsome kitty can spice up his life?--Augie Cat, Philadelphia, PA

Dear Augie: I have three words for you: Alpine Cat Scratcher! Meow!

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