You Cannot Hold the Baby!: Weekend Round-Up

Here's a roundup of what I'm doing this weekend:
Friday: Meet The Zog to interview him for next week's podcast.
Saturday: Go to Brooklyn to see some band with my hip Brooklyn friends.
Sunday: Cancel everything already planned so I can watch "Riding the Bus With My Sister" which the New York Times says:

is about a developmentally disabled woman played by Rosie O'Donnell. That's right: As Beth, Ms. O'Donnell dresses in wacky childish clothes and talks in a volume-inappropriate way and wears mismatched shoes and rides a hilarious bus around and around with her motley bus family. She annoys and enlightens the people she meets.

I'm Ready for my Close Up: Friday Catblog by MJ Cat

It's not easy being a famous cat like me. As your star starts to rise, please keep in mind the following tips:
1. Try to control the photographs taken of you. I don't allow people to take my photograph unless I'm freshly brushed and posed.
2. Keep a press file and, remember, even negative press is still press. It's better for people to write about how you got your claws out, rather than not write about you at all.
3. Only try to be seen out on the town with cats who are equal to or more famous than you(i.e. Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise). My person and I are on equal celebrity footing so that's why I let her take me out on the leash.
4. Hire a publicist. Do you think I type this myself every Friday? I dictate and someone does all the work for me.

The Podcasting Protection Program

Well, I broke the first rule about podcasting club, and the Wall Street Journal ratted me out. In today's Wall Street Journal article about Infinity Radio's new all-podcast radio station, I'm quoted from our last podcast.

"One podcast, called Beware of the Babylon, this week featured hosts Todd and Rachel ad libbing while in line for a pop concert at Irving Plaza in New York. In the process, they underscored the clubby nature of the podcasting phenomenon so far, "We went to the first meeting of the New York City Podcasting Association," said Rachel. "The first rule about podcasting club is that you can't talk about podcasting club... So that's all I'm going to say. We went, we're not allowed to talk about it. But we predict there are going to be big fights within the podcasting group."

The Association is going to clean my mouth out with soap!

Idol Conspiracy Theory

I'm always looking for a new conspiracy theory. The Web site "Vote for the Worst" might actually explain how Scott Savol receives votes. Now, it's all starting to make sense...

So, here at votefortheworst.com, we have a solution. Help us by voting for the worst that American Idol has to offer. That's right, vote for the bad contestants. Everyone knows that the best and most interesting part of the show are the bad auditions. Record numbers of people tune in to see who will become the next William Hung, but why let it stop there? Bad contestants sneak through the cracks all the time. Corey Clark, John Stevens, Jim Verraros, Leah Labelle... they were never meant to win and royally screwed up the competition by even making it to the finals in the first place. It's entertaining and hilarious when these contestants make it past more deserving contestants. Besides, if you liked Nadia, Anwar, Jessica, or any of the people who have been kicked out, this is a way to send a message. The producers have been pimping Carrie and the rockers to win this show since the beginning. If you're an Anthony or Vonzell fan, I hate to break it to you, but they won't win. Why? Because the producers don't want them to. They'll be gone in the next few weeks, and you'll be sad. Why not just Vote for the Worst?

This show is not about finding the next big superstar. Your favorite contestant probably won't win, and will probably get a record contract anyway if they're good enough. Besides, TV is supposed to be about the entertainment value, and what's more entertaining than a fish out of water outlasting the big fish and sharks? The producers wanted Scott in the top group so he could fail, but let's give them the monster that they've created. This pledge is to keep Scott in the competition by voting for him for the entire time alotted every week. Even if you live outside of America, tell people about the pledge and spread the word. If you choose, vote along with us and help keep Scott in the competition. If one terrible day Scott is voted out, VFTW will carry on and pick someone new. But let's not think about that just yet.

Greek Tragedy

I woke up this morning realizing my life and the world are never going to be the same. What kind of world do we live in where Tom Cruise is slumming around Rome with C-list Katie Holmes? Perhaps there is a chance for me and Benicio del Toro.
And, how is it possible that Constantine was voted out of Idol before cheeseball Federov and pigface Savol?

Is Osama behind all this because I'm in terror thinking that there are people that actually vote for Federov and Pigface and want them to win.

The Paris Hilton Podcast

Well, I surely can't compete with the Paris Hilton Podcast. The studio even paid for advertising on Adam Curry's the Daily Source Code.

Big Black Hole Wednesday

It's been awhile since I fell into the big black hole, but today I have some questions that need to be answered:

1. Are Brad and Angelina really together?
2. Is it worth taking a higher paying job even if it is not your dream job?
3. Does he really like me?
4. Why don't people RSVP to parties on evite? Does evite not count as a real invitation?
5. Why can't I fall asleep although I'm exhausted?

Podcasting Is Real

For all you mainstream people,Newsday has an article about podcasting. I'm a mainstream nerd I guess.

http://www.newsday.com/entertainment/ny-etlede4233542apr27,0,7364209.story?page=2&coll=ny-entertainment-bigpix

Who Needs a Podcast Like That?

Todd and I had a very big night. Not only we did enjoy sake and sushi, but we also attended the sold-out Erasure show where we recorded our preshow/aftershow Beware of the Babylon podcast outside from Irving Plaza. We also had a surprise appearance from my new favorite band Elkland and an interview with the hairdressers from the hit musical Hairspray!

In this week's podcast find out:
--How to be your own personal secretary
--How Elkland is taking over the world
--Bruce Villanche's beauty secrets
--What songs to play to wake us out of a coma
--Just how much Erasure is too much Erasure

This is a jam-packed show full of useless information. Simply click on our brand new URL http://media1.libsyn.com/podcasts/bewareofbabylon/podcasterasure.mp3 to download the new podcast!

O'Lamour,
Rachel and Todd

He Should Have Been Passovered or His Last Supper at My Place

On Saturday night, my friend and I hosted a very small Passover gathering which included sausage and matzoh and some Korean BBQ. One of our guests who kind of crashed our seder must have been possessed by the crazy spirit of Elijah. Be careful if you actually let Elijah into your next seder. The following is all true. I am not exaggerating or making any of this up. BE WARNED. ELIJAH IS A WACKO!

1. He will walk into the seder and disregard the glass of wine you left out for him. The first thing he will say is, "Where's my beer?"
2. He will introduce himself and then say, "I'm not really here for Passover. I'm just here to network." The reason Elijah crashes seders is to find a new job.
3. He will ask everyone in the room their salary. I guess Elijah is poor.
4. He will be rude to the waiters and throw a fit when he sees kids up past 9:00PM. This kind of attitude shows why so many Jewish families must have a "kids' table." They want to protect innocent children from the wrath of Elijah.
5. Elijah has no problem telling you he's not that he's not crazy about the food. Be careful what you serve to this nut!
6. Passover songs put Elijah over the edge. He will tell you that your rendition of "Chad Gadya" sucks and then he will visibly start shaking.

Friday I'm In Love: Friday Catblog by MJ Cat

Last night I met a new friend. He came over and brought my owner a Tasty Delite which I think must contain aphrodisiac powers. At first, I was shy and peeked at him around the corner from the kitchen. Then, as I could see that he was relaxing, I came over and sat beside him in my spot atop the cable box. This guy really knows how to make friends with a cat. As he was leaving, I was so smitten with him, I rubbed up against him and purred.

The Rules of Fight Club...

Last night I attended the first ever NYC Podcasting Association meeting. Nobody present was allowed to record or blog about what occurred in the meeting (although some people didn't obey the rules.) The entire experience was kind of like Fight Clubs meets Weight Watchers with a little Mensa thrown in for good measure. I haven't been this excited since I was selected to be part of the Jr. Miss program in 1988. I wonder if Diane Sawyer will start podcasting now?

Podcast Siting Update

For those of you who listened to our most recent podcast, Todd and I spot a former Idol contestant and can't identify him by name. Well, it was Mario Vasquez who left the show in a huge cloud of mystery. I would have preferred to see an Olsen twin.

Viva La Podcast!

Todd is finally back from France so we celebrated the new pope with a Beware of the Babylon podcast!

This week, find out:

-The best bench to spot celebs in NYC
-How to dress like a whore in warm weather
-Legal ways to score painkillers
-Our songs we are ashamed to admit that we secretly love
-My American Idol flashback and confession


Simply download by right clicking on this link:

http://libsyn.com/media/bewareofbabylon/podcastdasilvanos.mp3

I Enjoy Being a Jew

I once flirted with the idea of becoming a Catholic, but the entire experience was a little too potluck for me. I love the Catholic Saints. I've turned to many a saint to put the word in for me when I needed some heavenly help. (Yo, St. Anthony! Thanks!) Also, the entire concept of transubstantiation was so foreign and fascinating to me that I really needed to investigate that with some Catholic scholars. I find it appealing that to accept the body and blood of Christ, I would need to relinquish the control of rational thought and totally rely on faith. It's like receiving a painful deep tissue massage knowing it will heal you later. Catholics also give a much better send-off when you die than the Jews.

Yet, I had problems with the Catholics. I'm not quite sure I buy all that heaven and hell stuff and I really can't make decisions according to what Jesus would do. Also, Jews have better food at parties and I think birth control is something important. Also, Catholics don't have such great songs as Ein Kelokeno.

Win a Date with Me!

Last night, one of my friends called me and said this blog has become way too "cat" focused. After I hung up, I realized that I need a new boyfriend. I'm spending way too much time with MJ Cat. So, I'm launching a nationwide contest where the winning guy will win a date with me! To enter, send a recent photo and a brief essay describing why you make better company than MJ Cat.

Send all entries to: nycbabylontips@aol.com. Contest ends 4/30/05.

Ask MJ Cat- Friday Catblog

It's time for everyone's favorite expert MJ Cat to answer all your questions! MJ Cat just received his PhD in Cultural Studies from a top online university and continues studying at DeVry. He also has a MA in Cinema Studies, which according to the New York times is the "new M.B.A." MJ can answer questions on any topic from any human being.
>^..^< >^..^< >^..^< >^..^< >^..^< >^..^< >^..^<

Dear MJ Cat: How can we preserve the character of the West Village? As more designer boutiques move in and more funky little mom and pop shops close up, are we doomed to become nothing more than a fashion magnet for vacationing Eurotrash and filthy rich Japanese tourists? Marc Jacobs seems like a nice guy and all when we run into him at brunch, but does he really need TWO STORES on Bleecker Street? Is there hope?--Barry, New York, NY

Dear Barry: I think you might be barking up the wrong cat. When I was mousing in a West Village restaurant, the filty rich Japanese tourists left the biggest tips. The two Marc Jacobs stores down the street inspire my person to work harder and advance her career with the hope of finally being able to afford all those cute shoes and bags she sees windows. If it wasn't for the Eurotrash and the Japanese tourists spending their cash in the hood, we'd both be still working and living in the restaurant. Now we can afford a little catnip and we have our weekends free.

Dear MJ Cat: I've been in France all week and I can not help but notice the complete lack of cats (les chats) and abundance of dogs (les chiens). Has France gone to the dogs? Is hunting cats going to be en vouge? Je ne comprend pas!-Todd, sent via Blackberry, Paris, France

Dear Todd: Yo no hablo frances. Yo hablo espanol, ingles y gato. Tambien, no me gusta mesages de un Blackberry.

Dear MJ: What is your favorite Passover food? Do you prefer chopped liver, as all the canines in the family have, or gefilte fish, because you are a cat?--Your Aunt Ellen, Washington, D.C.

Dear Aunt Ellen: If you would come vist me in person, you would see that my fur is beautiful due to the fact that I only eat dry Iams cat chows. I don't like people food except an occasional bite of Healthy Choice turkey. As for gefilte fish, it's disgusting, even for a cat.

Dear Maximillian Joseph: I'm looking for a job. I've exhausted my network. Beyond my active network there are all sorts of former co-workers around New York that I loathe; however, some of these loathsome people are also in pretty great positions and very well may know of some opportunity for me. I cannot bring myself to make the call. It feels totally disingenuous. Should I honor my integrity, or suck it up 'cause I need the work?-- Conflicted, New York, NY

Dear Conflicted: Suck it up and jump for the catdancer! Do you think I'd be writing to you right now under the influence of catnip from the comfort of my soft bed in my apartment if I hadn't sucked it up and purred for my person? It sure beats sleeping on the cold cement floor.

Dear MJ: A pregnant friend (who already knows she's having a boy) told me about a circumcision practice where the foreskin would be donated to a burn unit. Do you have an opinion on this?--Eileen, New York, NY

Dear Eileen: Do you prefer chopped liver or gefilte fish for Passover? As you know, I was castrated as a kitten. It would have been nice if my old parts could benefit someone in need.

Dear MJ: Why has the low-rise jeans trend persisted for so long? I am sick of having my husband ask me when I'm going to repair the sink every time I bend over to pick up something.--JH, New Boston, NH

Dear JH: Did you see Cameron Diaz on SNL last week? Her super low-cut jeans were unattractive and her entire public bone was revealed. Yet, this type of public celebrity display can explain how the trend persists. The only way you can make it go away is to stop buying these jeans. My person did and she looks hot in her vintage Levis without a thong peeking out from the top.

Dear MJ Cat: Golf season is finally here in the Northeast. However, my favorite
course just changed their club rules to say that you can't bring your own alcoholic drinks out on the course in your cart. (The greedy bastards want you to only buy drinks in the bar and take them out or from the drink cart they drive around, and their prices are nothing short of piracy.) Golf is expensive enough as it is! But playing without a cocktail for the back nine is uncivilized. What should I do?--Jazz from Running Scared

Dear Jazz: Perhaps you need to take your golf more seriously. I never mouse on catnip.

Dear MJ: Do you know how to get brain out of a silk tie?--Playing Doctor, Jacksonville, FL

Dear Doc: We have a dry cleaner here in the city who is so good that he can even get out the smell of cat urine. I think you need to visit soon and we'll drop the tie off with him. This is a local store that we need to keep in business.

Dear MJ: I have a crush on a professor and am relatively certain he is crushing right back. I am a doctoral student and am concerned that pursuing this crush might be a very bad idea. However, he's really cute and smart. MJ, what should I do? (In a related question, if we do date, and eventually break up, do I keep him on my dissertation committee?)--DMB, MI

Dear DMB: I don't sleep near my litter box. You shouldn't either.

Dear MJ: I have just celebrated my 9th birthday and would like some advice on how best to spend my mid-life crisis? I still have plenty of energy and curiosity, but what new things can I do? Day in, day out, it’s the same thing. I sleep a bit, then chase things that aren’t there, then sleep a bit more. I meow at my owner and bat at her to pay attention to me, but it’s all just become very run of the mill. Any suggestions on how a handsome kitty can spice up his life?--Augie Cat, Philadelphia, PA

Dear Augie: I have three words for you: Alpine Cat Scratcher! Meow!

I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up!

The other day after I confessed I slipped and hurt myself in the shower, my boss became very concerned about my emergency support network. I thought about what I would do in the case of an emergency like this when perhaps I fall and cannot get up. I decided to purchase the Life Alert system. Although marketed towards seniors, Life Alert should be targeting the active single thirtysomething woman who lives alone.

Here's my marketing message for the new Life Support necklace which will liberate young women all over the world.

You never have to worry about dying alone with the new Life Support designed specifically for single women over the age of 30. Available in the hottest fashion shades, the Life Support necklace is the most functional new fashion accessory on the market. Not only can the Life Support summon the paramedics during a health emergency or accident, but the Life Support necklace can help you with all your female thirtysomething emergencies. Perhaps you come home slightly tipsy and feel as if you have to vomit. With life support, you can page your neighbor to come over to put you to bed. Perhaps you run into the guy you are dating and he's kissing another woman at a bar. Page your best friend to come to the scene for help immediately with the help of your Life Support necklace. Suppose your cat is sick and you can't find him anywhere in your apartment. Page your vet and the fire department with the Life Support necklace! We guarantee that as a young women you might fall, but with Life Support, we can always attempt to get you back up on your feet.

Don't Shoot the Cat

Cat lovers are banding together to fight Wisconsin legislation making it legal to fight cats. MJ Cat was a street cat and now he is my best friend. Don't shoot cats but get feral cats neutured and spayed!

Don't Shoot the Cat

Wisconsin May Take a Shot at Eliminating Stray Cats

Wisconsin May Take a Shot at Eliminating Stray Cats

I feel sick thinking about making it legal to hunt stray cats. First of all, some cats are indoor/outdoor cats and this law would it make it very easy for some sick cat hunter to shoot someone's beloved pet. Also, this type of law promotes animal abuse. This type of cat exploitation promotes the message to animal abusers who feel that it's OK to torture animals. I can't even write about this now because I'm so upset and angered.

CVS Celebrity Siting

After complaining to a friend earlier today that I haven't seen any exciting celebrities, tonight I had the pleasure of having Paul Benedict aka Bentley from the Jeffersons aka The Number Painter from Sesame Street hold the door for me at CVS! This sure beats seeing an Olsen at Starbucks.

A Writer Blocked

These are the topics I really really want to write about, but can't due to self-editing, fear of surveillance and general paranoia.

1. My job. My boss reads this blog so I can't really complain about work or make fun of coworkers. I don't want to get in trouble and I read too many horror stories of people getting in trouble for their blogs.
2. The guy I like. He's forbidden me from writing about him and I don't want to lose any remaining chance I have with him. He won't talk to me anymore if he has to fear I'm writing about him.
3. My ex's smelly girlfriend. I heard a rumor that someone I used to date is now dating a woman who has notorious BO. While I find this topic troubling and fascinating, I don't want to seem petty, mean or vindictive.
4. My sister. She gets very mad.

Spring has Sprung: Friday Catblog by MJ Cat

Thank god that long cold winner is over. Here I am on my first springtime walk catching up with my good friend and sometimes caretaker Pepe. It's been a few depressing cold months, so it feels great to get out and spend some time with some good friends out in the sun. If you see me hanging out on the bench on Bleeker, please stop and spend some time with me. I don't bite all the time!

Shop the Babylon Store!

Click here for a great animal t-shirt featuring MJ Cat and his friend Pepe!



For all you mos and metros, why not show your affiliation with the coolest blog on the planet in the NYCBABYLON gay man's sleeveless t-shirt!


You'll feel sexy when you put MJ Cat close to your own pussy in this fabulous thong!

Shazbott! Beware of the Babylon Podcast is on Hiatus!

Shazbott! Todd is going out of town until April 18th, so it looks like we won't be having our Beware of the Babylon Podcast! If you need to catch up, download our podcasts from http://bewareofbabylon.libsyn.com or from the left hand side of this page!

Nano Nano

Last night I watched two of the most gripping hours of television I've seen in a very long time. Between the hours of 9-11, I was glued to Behind the Camera: The Unauthorized Story of Mork and Mindy. Here are some of the very important questions and issues raised by this monumental television event:

1. Robin Williams must be the most annoying person to live with on the planet. I couldn't handle all those stupid jokes ALL THE TIME. What women actually found him attractive?
2. According to the program, his first wife Victoria actually stood by him during his troubled times with cocaine and Belushi. She also dealt with all those annoying jokes. Then as we all know, he dumped her for their nanny. Why wasn't this on the show?
3. Gary Marshall is the sweetest man in television. I love to celebrate career success with a malt!
4. Behind the camera, Laverne and Shirley hated one another. When is this TV movie being greenlighted?
5. Angie was on Thursday night? What ever happened to Donna Pescow?
6. Who else crashed Travolta's party that night? Are John and Robin still friends?
7. Is there going to a TV documenting the "orgy" that took place on the set of Popeye? Did Robert Evans and Robin Williams participate together in the orgy?
8. At the end of the movie, Pam Dawber was bragging about her new boyfriend. Was that Mark Harmon?

...And Guest

While I am always thrilled to be invited to any party, as I get older, I've been noticing a huge ugly break in wedding etiquette. Traditionally, single women should be invited to a wedding or any party with an escort. There is nothing I find more conflicting (and insulting)in my 30s than being forced to attend a wedding all by myself. While I'm happy that yet again, someone I know has found true love, I am not happy that I have to witness your heartfelt wedding vows--alone.

Ok, I'm not married or engaged and I live alone with my cat. Why not throw it all in my face and make me attend your wedding all by myself? Better yet, why not invite me with my single mother and make us sit together like some crazy old maid couple? Why not torture me as I pretend to have to go to the bathroom during the slow songs and sit in the stall and feel sorry for myself? Oh, and how I love it when I have to admit to your great aunt that I am there alone and not really seeing anyone and chances are I'll be alone for the rest of my life.

My life is unsettled and as I sit alone at the table and watch you dance with your brand new husband in your new $8,000 Monique Lhuillier gown, I am confronted with the reality that if I were to drop dead in my apartment, my body might not be found for several weeks. Also, I will never have new pots and pans and I will be eating off my dead grandmother's chipped plates for the rest of my life. My cat is my child. These are the types of thoughts I have as I sit alone at the table during your wedding reception. Aren't you glad you invited me alone to save some space? I'm having such a fucking good time.

I understand that brides and grooms (and their parents) struggle to keep wedding expenses in check and, in turn, are more inclined to invite more people they know than rather my anonymous escort. Yet, while I understand this aspect, I just want to explain my side of the coin. According to tradition, at my age, for all intents and purposes, the assumption is that I should have a spouse anyway. In my 20s, I didn't mind attending weddings alone. It was easier for me then. Now, I find myself sometimes thinking that perhaps time is running out for me and that I'll never meet the "right one." I am tired of dancing with myself. And, I'm usually so optimistic. It's the damned possibility of being alone at your wedding that is bringing up all these depressing thoughts and low self esteem. I was feeling good until I realized I have to travel by myself to sit alone and watch everyone else around me be happy and in love at your wedding. There's nothing like a good old-fashioned wedding to exacerbate these old maid feelings. FYI, I'm also too old to "hook up" or to be excited about other single people at the wedding. My friends who invite me alone always go into this story about how there will be a lot of "single people" at the wedding. While the couple may not have class or sense to invite me with a date, I do have enough class to not get sloppy drunk and make out with your cousin Phil in a broom closet as you cut the cake.

So, if your guest is over 30, you should bite the bullet and invite her with a guest. As you can see from this blog panic attack, going solo to your nuptials can be traumatic for your over-30 friends!

Get Out of My Face: Friday Catblog by MJ Cat

Sometimes a cat needs some privacy. Don't bother me in the following ways or you will experience the wrath of my claws:

1. I don't like to be awaken by the phone ringing at 6AM. This is alarming and scares me.
2. I don't like humans to stare at me when I go to the litter box. I like to do my business in private.
3. Sometimes I just don't want to be petted. I know this sounds crazy, but I don't like strangers touching me all the time.
4. I hate cleaning. I like to hide when I see a vacuum cleaner or broom.
5. Don't step on me. I know it is usually accidental, but it really hisses me off!