Happy Halloween!

Cat Scratch Fever

On Friday after writing his blog, Max came to sit on my lap and as I went to pick him up, his claw accidentally got caught in the inner corner of my mouth creating a long deep gash. This caused quite a bit of bleeding and I wasn't sure what even happened, but my appearance was scarier than any Halloween costume you could dream of. So, after the bleeding stopped, I went to work and saw the male work nurse who is the stereotype of a male nurse who you would expect to be working at a large company. He told me that as a result of the scratch I could actually get cat scratch fever which is kind of like the mumps and that my thyroid would have to be drained. Here are some of the symptons:

Cat scratch fever presents with tender regional lymphadenopathy, sterile suppurative papules at the site of inoculation, slight fever, headache, chills, backache, anorexia, abdominal pain, malaise. Alteration of mental status and convulsions. It may take 7 to 14 days, or as long as two months, before symptoms appear. Most cases are benign and self-limiting, but lymphadenopathy may persist for several months after other symptoms disappear. The prognosis is generally favourable. In temperate climate most cases occur in fall and winter. The disease usually resolves spontaneously, with or without treatment, in one month

.
He said I could get this in three-five days so I'm still sitting here waiting for the onset of this disease. If I do get cat scratch fever, I do hope the anorexia is part of it, because my diet really needs a jump start.

Catblog Friday by MJ Cat

Picture 513
Originally uploaded by redrachel.

It's been a long time since I last blogged, but as you can see I've been busy dieting, listening to music and trying to curb my addiction to Biljac cat treats. As you know, Halloween is my favorite holiday and this year, I'll be dressing up as a cat.

I Want Mulvey: A Review of Marie Antoinette

Last night, I finally saw Marie Antoinette and I have to confess, it was fabulous. I'm a sucker for Sofia. We are the exact same age, our fathers look alike, we both like fashion and we have the exact same taste in music. Yet, Marie Antoinette really wasn't about Marie Antoinette at all. Todd thinks it is a movie about being in college. If this is a true, on a broader scale, MA can be interpreted as a film about the sadness about the loss of youth and innocence and being held responsible for one's actions. Others argue that MA is an autobiographical tale about Sofia Coppola and the her role in the royal dynasty of the Coppola family. The critics are always critical of Sofia and ready to chop off her head in viscous film reviews.

Today, I realized that Marie Antoinette is actually a Hollywood lesson in basic psychoanalytic feminist film theory.

I suspect Sofia has been reading some Laura Mulvey. So, to understand Marie Antoinette, here is basic Laura Mulvey 101. And for the record, Mulvey was my first favorite film theorist.

For those of you not up on your Mulvey, Mulvey deconstructed the male gaze in mass media in her seminal article entitled Visual Pleasures and Narrative Cinema. Basically, Mulvey says that film is is an instrument of the male gaze, producing representations of women, the good life and sexual fantasy from a male point of view. So, what happens when a woman takes over the role of filmmaker construcing a narrative soley for a feminine audience? The answer to this question is Marie Antoinette. (For those of you without Cinema Studies degrees, Laura Mulvey is a common name to drop.) So, here's some Mulvey 101.

Armed with Freudian psychoanalytic film theory with a Lacanian bent, Mulvey's studies of spectatorship focus on how subject positions are constructed by media texts rather than investigating the viewing practices of individuals in specific social contexts. Mulvey notes that Freud had referred to (infantile) scopophilia - the pleasure involved in looking at other people's bodies as (particularly, erotic) objects. In the darkness of the cinema auditorium it is notable that one may look without being seen either by those on screen by other members of the audience. Mulvey argues that various features of cinema viewing conditions facilitate for the viewer both the voyeuristic process of objectification of an ideal ego; seen on the screen. She declares that in patriarchal society, pleasure in looking has been split between active/male and passive/female; This is reflected in the dominant forms of cinema. Conventional narrative films in theHollywood tradition not only typically focus on a male protagonist in the narrative but also assume a male spectator. As the spectator identifies with the main male protagonist, he projects his look onto that of his like, his screen surrogate, so that the power of the male protagonist as he controls events coincides with the active power of the erotic look, both giving a satisfying sense of omnipotence. Traditional films present men as active, controlling subjects and treat women as passive objects of desire for men in both the story and in the audience, and do not allow women to be desiring sexual subjects in their own right. Such films objectify women in relation to the controlling male gaze presenting woman as image(or spectacle) and man as bearer of the look. Men do the looking; women are there to be looked at. The cinematic codes of popular films ;are obsessively subordinated to the neurotic needs of the male ego. It was Mulvey who coined the term 'the male gaze'.

Mulvey distinguishes between two modes of looking for the film spectator: voyeuristic and fetishistic, which she presents in Freudian terms as responses to male castration anxiety. Voyeuristic looking involves a controlling gaze and Mulvey argues that this has has associations with sadism: pleasure lies in ascertaining guilt - asserting control and subjecting the guilty person through punishment or forgiveness; Fetishistic looking, in contrast, involves the substitution of a fetish object or turning the represented figure itself into a fetish so that it becomes reassuring rather than dangerous. This builds up the physical beauty of the object, transforming it into something satisfying in itself. The erotic instinct is focused on the look alone. Fetishistic looking, she suggests, leads to overvaluation of the female image and to the cult of the female movie star embodied in the character of Marie Antoinette. Mulvey argues that the film spectator oscillates between these two forms of looking.

See, the Mulvey theory is obvious! In the I Want Candy scene, Sofia visually summarizes Laura Mulvey better than any film professor can!

Now, I need to go download the fabulous soundtrack.

Tyra Goes Nuts

This is one of the best things I've ever seen on television. I won't prep you, but prepared to be more disturbed than you've been in a very long time.

Power Babies

In twenty years after we are through gossiping about the Olson Twins, Britney Spears, the Hiltons, Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan, our culture will be obsessed with one of the most interesting and powerful celebrity couples of all time. Yes, I'm talking about Madonna Baby David and Jolie Baby Zahara. They will complain about their natural born siblings, the price of having celebrity parents, their African roots and searching for their birth families. I can't wait for the day they meet and establish a life-long friendship and spend their family fortunes!

Liza Minelli and David Gest unaired Pilot

While this does not compare with Liza's performance on the Actor's Studio last year, this section of the unaired reality show pilot starring David Gest and Liza Minnelli must be seen!

I Pity the Fool!

For those of you with better things to do than watch the fabulous new show I Pity the Fool on TV Land, here is a quick clip where Mr. T motivates some used car salesmen. I wish he were here to motivate me to do my year-end self evaluation.

Boob Monday

I love Patricia Arquette. I love plaid gowns aka (Jeffrey's couture piece from Project Runway this year.)I love a Scottish accent. I love when robust women flaunt their boobs. I, however, don't love this look. Hike it up, Patty!

Mouse Orgy: It's Hot Backstage at Disney!

There is nothing I can really say to convey the hilarity of the mouse orgy that took backstage at Paris Disney. To watch the video, click here.

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - The Walt Disney Co. on Thursday said it took "appropriate action" against employees at its Paris theme park who were caught simulating sex while dressed as Disney characters in a digital video that has received wide attention on the Internet.

Disney would not say whether it had dismissed any of the costumed employees featured in the grainy video, which appears to have been shot with a hidden camera at a backstage dressing room at Disneyland Resort Paris.

"The behavior shown on the video is unacceptable and inexcusable," Disney said in a statement.

"The video was taken in the backstage area not accessible to guests. Appropriate action has been taken to deal with the cast members involved."

The video shows Minnie Mouse struggling to free herself as she is grabbed from behind by Goofy and then a giant snowman.

Later, Mickey Mouse simulates sex with the snowman and Goofy does the same with either Chip or Dale, the chipmunks, as laughter is heard on the tape.

The tape is described on the Internet as the "Mouse Orgy."

The Day the Music Died

Today, I learned that Tower Records is going out of business. While many businesses come and go, the closing of Tower makes me feel very nostalgic in a way I did not feel when the Wiz shut its doors. Since I moved to New York City, I have spent many a dollar and hours at Tower Records all over the city. I actually like to go on dates there and scour the aisles. During the summer of 1994 when I didn't have A/C, I used to go to the Upper East Side Tower to cool off and listen to new music. I once spent 5 hours outside the downtown Tower in the snow(pictured) to meet Kate Bush. Todd and I can't walk by a Tower without stopping by to check the sales. (We hve a special bond with the Trump Tower Tower for some odd reason.) I remember the days I used to pay my cable bill there. I remember the first time I saw my friends in Live's album cover displayed in the NYC window and knew they made it since Tower said so. And, how I loved the former outlet! When I first moved to the city, Tower represented to me all the variety and diversity the city had to offer. I always preferred hanging out at Tower over the large impersonal Virgin Megastore. Yet, I, too, fell in love with my iPod and my small apartment is out of room for more CDs. Plus, I can't pay $19.99 for something I can get for much less off the net. So, I am partly responsible for killing an institution that I admired, loved and psychologically needed. Goodbye, Tower Records! I'll miss you!

NYC in Babylon

This is a short film I made about my recent trip. It's kind of sad because I'm kind of depressed today. I unfortunately, don't have anything "in development" right now.

Back From Hell

For those of you who thought I might be exaggerating about the crazy time in LA, check out this photo I didn't realize that I took at the scary party.

It Ain't Me, Babe

I'm still in Los Angeles recovering from a party last night in the Hollywood Hills that seemed to be directed by David Lynch to the soundtrack of Bob Dylan's song "It Ain't Me Babe." While I have been having a great time on the West Coast, last night's party has left me feeling emotionally confused, uptight and a self-righteous genius. In theory, the party scene should have been exhilarating. The house was located next to the famous Hollywood sign and had a remarkable view. The host was some British set designer and the crowd was a mixed bag of wannabes, artsy types, drug addicts and poorly dressed women. I had a least 10 people tell me that they had a deal "in development" or that they "directed" a short film that I never heard of. I also had a lot of people offer me drugs that I never heard of and ask me for my card when I said that I lived in New York. Some dude told me that he actually wrote the movie "Crash" but that he didn't get credit for it but that he considers the Oscar all his. One fucked up guy wearing a pin-stripe suit with no shirt came up to me and asked me my name. I told him and then politely asked his name. He responded, "Toilet" and I didn't know what to say, so I just went all Robert Blake on him and responded, "I'm in your house." Some old woman over the age of 65 told me that you should never start taking drugs until you are after the age of 60. Then she hugged me. I don't like being touched my strangers. Part of the theme of the party surrounded a "drum circle" where drugged out people banged on bongos around a fire pit until 4AM. Perhaps I'm a sophisticated New Yorker, but let me tell you, drum circles suck and are the most pretentious stupid party gimmick ever. The worst part is that I was there with a date who completely abandoned me upon arriving leaving me cold and bored and left to my own devices. I did, however, learn that if I lived here, I would have no trouble picking up men as the boys out west are very easy but I'm classy so I asked my date to take me home, and he refused saying that he was having fun and that he wanted to stay. I responded that I was cold and bored and tired and didn't appreciate being tortured. He finally looked me in the eye very seriously and said, "You just don't get it." And today, I'm quite relieved that I don't get "it" and frankly, I never will.

Rescue Me!

I'm being held hostage at a party in the Hollywood Hills. I'm clicking my ruby red shoes together. There's no place like home. There's no place like home. I miss my back yard.

Off to Hollywoodland

I'm off to LA for the weekend to spend some time at the Coffee Bean and Fred Segal. I'll be back next week. Happy Columbus Day!

TomKat Update

It's been awhile since I commented on my least favorite Hollywood couple Tom Cruise and Katie Holms, but this photo raises so many questions.

1. What is that weird tummy bump on Katie? Are those jeans too tight and is that muffin top? Or is she pregnant again?
2. What's the deal with Tom's manboobs?
3. How tall is Katie and how short is Tom?
4. Are Tom's kids upset that his dad brings his baby mamma to their soccer games and steal the spotlight?

The Perfect Date

This is the text message that I sent to my good friend Anittah from the bar bathroom during my date Friday night. I can't say what made the date so perfect except that there was chemistry and he wasn't crazy or weird and he had a job and he was smart and funny and sexy and he paid the check and he drove me home and he held my hand and when we crossed the street. He emailed the next morning and now I'm waiting with baited breath for him to call and ask me out again. Please pray to the date Gods that he calls me because I haven't been this excited about a date in a very very very very long time!

Little Podcasters

The most perverse episde of BEWARE OF THE BABYLON awaits all you little children this week...

In this revealing episode...

• Celebrity look-a-like madness, with some real celebs!

• Rachel chastises Todd for not watching enough television.

• How criminal and drug addicted celebrity children are more moral than porn stars.

• The signs of a really good dating, and screening season.

As always, this, and EVERY, BEWARE OF THE BABYLON podcast can be automatically downloaded to your computer and transferred to your iPod through iTunes.

The Devil Wears Burberry

Tonight, I saw a fantastic movie called The Queen. Helen Mirren stars as the actual Queen of England reacting to the death of Princess Diana in 1997. For those of you who forgot recent history, the Queen did not react or comment on Diana's death until she got blasted in the press and pressured by Tony Blair. While this plotline is the backdrop for the film, the film's tone is really not much different than the Devil Wears Prada. The Queen is not much different than Miranda Priestly. Both films contemplate the sacrifices powerful women must make to stay on top. But unlike Devil, The Queen has Mommy Dearest potential. Hags and fags everywhere will be acting out scenes at midnight screenings and I think this film is coming out right in time for The Queen to be the most popular Halloween costume of 2006.

I can't wait for the Mirren/Streep Oscar battle! This film is a total "run don't walk." Now, roll over, Cabbage!

Too Thin

Forget Kate Bosworth and Nicole Richie. Has anyone seen the new scary pin-thin figure of socialite Somers Farkas? Gasp! Sometimes you can be too rich and too thin.

Time Goes By So 'Lowly

This hilarious video was pointed out to by my good friends James and WSL. Receiving this kind of information is why is why it is important to have gay friends.

Happy New Year!

This is how we celebrate Rosh Hoshanah in the Big Apple. We make it very very sweet.

What's Left Of Me: Final Results

For my loyal readers, you will remember that on 7/31 I posted the "Nick Lachey What's Left of Me Challenge." Tonight, much to my own surprise, I won my own contest. I brought a very cute Scotsman back to my house, served him a Becks, put on the song and the rest is now as concrete as Nick's divorce from Jessica. And to make it even sweeter, when the Scotsman came to, he quoted, "What the hell was that music? It's not really my scene." I feel like Vanessa Minillo.

Ventriloquist Week!

In one of the most exciting developments on late-night TV in years, David Letterman is hosting ventriloquist week. Tonight the great Willie Tyler and Lester are kicking things off! All my talk about Wayland Flowers Madame is hitting mass consciousness. Below, is this week's entire ventriloquist schedule"

Monday, September 18
Dr. Phil
Ventriloquist, Willie Tyler & Lester
Survivor Castaway, Sekou Bunch


Tuesday, September 19
Patrick Dempsey (Grey's Anatomy)
Ventriloquist, Jay Johnson & Darwin
Kasabian (CD, "Empire")


Wednesday, September 20
Marg Helgenberger (CSI)
Ventriloquist, Ronn Lucas & Scorch
Diana Krall (CD, "From This Moment On")


Thursday, September 21
Ted Turner
Ventriloquist, Jeff Dunham & Walter
Fergie (CD, "The Dutchess")


Friday, September 22
NBA star, Lebron James
Ventriloquist, Todd Oliver & Irving
Ludacris (CD, "Disturbing Tha Peace")

A Good Timin' Man

Willie Nelson was arrested today for having over a pound of marijuana and mushrooms on his bus. I don't have any comments, except to say that Willie is still one of my favorite performers and songwriters. Stay young, Willie!

Spinach

Now, not only is bagged spinach bagged, but I can't eat ANY spinach. This recall is totally effecting me because spinach salad is a huge part of my overall diet. Spinach is the only green that fills me up and my favorite salad green I love the baby spinach bagged salad mix. This is pure terror.

Madame: The Look of Fashion Week

What celebrity/socialite wife has jumped on the Madame bandwagon and is transforming herself into the most fabulous puppet of all-time? I dare Entertainment Weekly to steal this joke.

BAFTA season has begun

I have to apologize in advance, but my blogging might be spotty over the next couple of months. As a member of the academy, I will be attending nightly screening with my business partner Todd. I will continue to report on the films and celebs we encounter. Tomorrow night, I'm seeing All the King's Men with a Q&A with producer James Carville.

Bad Hair Day

Believe it or not, this is actress and former soft-porn star Carmen Electra at the Imitation of Christ Fashion Show. I never quite got the allure of Carmen. I don't think she's that pretty or talented or interesting. She just screams "Skinamax" to me. This shows that C-listers just can't go high-fashion.

Scars are Blind: Beware of the Babylon Podcast!

This week on BEWARE OF THE BABYLON we are reviewing our scars and explaining their orgins.

Also find out...

• The truth about Suri's fringe on top.

• Why Rachel's mother is so afraid of Madame.

• The hottest new haircut, the hottest new fashions.

• How In N' Out Burger may just drive you to drink and drive.

• MySpace break-up etiquette.

As always, this, and EVERY, BEWARE OF THE BABYLON podcast can be automatically downloaded to your computer and transferred to your iPod through iTunes.

Today's News in Photos

Suri Cruise makes her debut. Is it me, or does she look like Chris Klein?

Lindsay Lohan supposedly revealed her firecrotch, but it was just an online hoax. She wears pink panties like a lady.

New Garbage Can

This past Labor Day weekend, my goal was to purchase a brand new garbage can. This task was more difficult than you can imagine. I finally found my dream can for $39.99 at National Wholesale Liquidators. While this may seem extreme for a garbage can, please note that I rarely purchase anything for my home so this is probably the biggest luxury item I own. I can't wait to start throwing away some serious trash!

Greater Than/Less Than Movie Reviews

I have invented a new way to review the movies I see during the busy BAFTA screening timeframe. I am using the mathematical symbols <, > and = method.

Tonight I saw Hollywoodland starring Adrien Brody, Ben Affleck and Diane Lane.

LA Confidential > Autofocus > Hollywoodland > Art School Confidential

This tranlates that LA Confidential is greater than Autofocus which is greater than Hollywood land which is greater than Art School Confidential

You do the math.

I Miss Madame!

My friends all know that I have always been a big fan of Madame. After seeing JLo last night at the VMA's, I can't stop thinking about how I miss her bawdy puppet humor. Growing up, I used to watch Madame's Place with my mom when we couldn't sleep at night. She claims she never liked the program, but I distinctly remember watching this with her late at night in the early 80s. Madame also appeared on Solid Gold and on the Hollywood Squares. I think my early love of Madame was an early indicator that I would one day become a fag hag. When my sister and I went to see the AIDS quilt, we actually made a special visit to Wayland Flowers' square. Thank god for YouTube because I was able to track down a snippet from the show. Like JLo, I'm going to pay my respects to the greatest diva of all-time---Madame!

It's Madame's Place!

Last night at the VMA's, JLo officially joined a special group of celebrities inspired by the greatest puppet of all time Madame!

Is it Me You're Looking For?

If you ever want to freak out your coworkers, sing a duet of the song "Hello" by Lionel Richie with your office boyfriend at an after-work karaoke function. My office bf and I did this tonight and as we stood close and seriously sang to one another, everyone in the room became visibly uncomfortable. Some started checking their blackberries, some buried their faces in the karaoke books and others sat still completely stone-face. As we realized what was happening, we continued to sing very seriously and closely while desperately trying to keep a straight face. Later, my boss came up to me and said, "Man, I thought you two were going to make out." The best part is that someone videotaped this moment, and once I get my hands on it, I'll share.

Dear Tom

Dear Tom,
As the most connected person on myspace.com, I assume that you must have many answers to the questions that plague my soul. If you can provide some response, I'll put you back in my Top 8.

1. How do I determine fake celebrity profiles from authentic celebrity profiles?
2. Why does my cat attack my head every time I check my myspace account?
3. Is it rude to reject a friend request without a response?
4. What are the differences between a work friend, boyfriend, myspace friend and friendster friend?
5. Is youtube the new myspace?
6. Have you ever met Rupert?
7. When is myspace.com an addiction?
8. Is the New York City myspace population more attractive than the Los Angeles myspace population?
9. What do you do when you get in fights with your best friend about how to best manage your podcast myspace account?
10. Do myspace contacts count as friends?
11. Who invented the phrase, "Thanks for the add?"
12. Have you ever hooked up with anyone you met on myspace?

NYCBABYLON Duets

Tonight, I watched the best new show on TV, Celebrity Duets. On this program, D-listers sing with actual A/B-listers and are judged by Marie Osmond, Little Richard and some other guy. Tonight, Chris Jericho got the boot. Jai Rodriguez will most likely face off with Alfonse Ribiero in the finals. In the meantime, here is a version of me and my friends singing some karaoke duets.

Pop Culture Roundup

Ok, there is a lot going on in the world of pop culture and I haven't put in my comments. Here they are:

1. Tom Cruise if crazy and I am not surprised that he was fired from Paramount. He is on the road to Gibson.
2. Osama loves Whitney Houston. I don't know what to say about this but it disturbs me.
3. Kate Hudson is having an affair with Owen Wilson. I think Owen Wilson is hot and don't understand why Kate Hudson makes her son Ryder look like a girl.
4. The Emmys are on Sunday and I am hoping that House wins!
5. I am over Jon Benet Ramsey and am not wrapped up in this case. The guy is creepy but I don't need to watch this on the news channels.

Don't Marry a Career Woman?

Today, some moron in Forbes wrote an article advising men to not marry career woman. The writer states:

Guys: A word of advice. Marry pretty women or ugly ones. Short ones or tall ones. Blondes or brunettes. Just, whatever you do, don't marry a woman with a career.

It's bad enough I'm 35 and live with a cat, but now I have Forbes trying to screw with my love life for having a good job. The truth is, I don't HAVE to be a career woman. If a guy is smart and interesting enough and willing to support me in the lifestyle I desire, I'll be THRILLED to stop working and he will never have to worry if I'm making more money or have a better title. Hell, I'll even cook dinner sometimes. Or, as an alternative, I'll continue being a career woman and support HIM and he can clean the house and cook me dinner. Or we can both work and make a lot of money and get a nice apartment and travel all over the world. It's a win-win situation to hook up with me!

Whoa!

Can you name this washed-up 80's child star? Try.

Free Spraychel!

I don't know if it is because my name is Rachel, but I HATE this I Can't Believe It's Not Butter "Free Spraychel" campaign. What is really upsetting is that this campaign is driving me crazy AND it's targeted to women 35+. I am officially in the Spraychel demographic!

Arthritis and Teen Choice

I woke up my first day being 35 with a bizarre ache in my left knee. I'm trying to feel young by watching this hilarious video of Kevin Federline performing at this week's Teen Choice Awards. I've also discovered Rumer Willis' myspace account which is fascinating. Oh, to be young and famous....

Happy Birthday to Me

Well, today is my birthday and I've officially entered into a new demographic. I spent my last few hours in the young adult days hanging out at Toys'R'Us, seeing History Boys and eating chicken wings.

Now, I'm off for some karaoke.

Beaver Shot

This week I learned if you really want to piss your sister off, take an innocuous shot of her reading a book poolside, post it on Flickr and then entitle it "Beaver Shot." She will have to call your mother to call you and threaten if you don't remove the photo IMMEDIATELY, your sister will retaliate by posting an unflattering photo of you. So, because you already have low self esteem and dont' want to see ugly photos of yourself, you will have to remove the beaver shot immediately and be kind of annoyed because you wonder why your sister had to enlist your mother and why they are censoring your flickr account. Also, for the record, the photo wasn't even a beaver shot.

Founder's Day

Three years ago, today marked the day that it was decided that MJ Cat would come and stay with me while his restaurant was closed for vacation. He didn't arrive until the 19th, which is my birthday but both of our lives were set in motion on this fateful day. I don't regret taking MJ Cat for a second. Look how cute he is!

The Mousecast

An infestation of city mice attack Rachel and Todd this week on BEWARE OF THE BABYLON




Also find out...

• What do Nuns, Klansmen, and Ancient Rabbis have in common?

• What's not to love about the afterlife?

• What does Todd like about Rachel?

• How should you break up with someone in public?

As always, this, and EVERY, BEWARE OF THE BABYLON podcast can be automatically downloaded to your computer and transferred to your iPod through iTunes.

Old Maid

Well, in less than one week, I'll be 35 and officially an old maid who lives alone in a studio apartment with her cat. Everyone is asking me what I want for my birtday, and I don't even know at this point. What I want can't be bought or wrapped in a package. I want to be famous.

Back

I was away and unexpectedly without any outside lines. So, I'm back and will be blogging this week. In any case, I bought this new dress for myself for my birthday next week. Let's see how long it takes Forever 21 to copy it.

Money Can't Buy Brains

This Britney/Federline video is pure art.

There's Got to Be a Morning After

For those of you who missed it, Elizabeth Hasselback freaked out on the View. Lisa Loeb tries to counter the debate. Lisa went to Brown. Elizabeth went to Boston College and believes in Creationism. Who do you think is smarter? The best part is at the very end, when boss Walters bitchslaps Elizabeth and Elizabeth gets pissy and tears up her note card.


Now, watch Elizabeth beg for her job after her boss gives her the smackdown.

The Do the Right Thingcast

listen here

On the hottest day of the summer,
You can do somethin'
You can do nothin'
Or you can Do the Right Thingcast!


Fight the powers that be and learn...

• What's more offensive than Mel Gibson after a night on the town?

• What happened to Rachel's other half - literally?

• Was the hand-picked Monkey Tea all just a lie?

• Why are the Jews so damn cool?

• Why are the Virgin security guards so concerned about patrons reading magazines?

As always, this, and EVERY, BEWARE OF THE BABYLON podcast can be automatically downloaded to your computer and transferred to your iPod through iTunes.

"The What's Left of Me" Nick Lachey Challenge!

The summer is heating up as it winds down. To celebrate, NYCBABYLON is hosting the "What's Left of Me Challenge." The competition involves actually seducing and making out with someone to the Nick Lachey song, "What's Left of Me." The rules are as follows:

1. The person cannot know that your seduction is part of this competition or read this blog. You must sincerely put on the song "What's Left of Me" by Nick Lachey and try to get the unsuspecting person to make out with you as a result of feeling the passion in this song.
2. You cannot already be making out and put on "What's Left of Me." This song must serve as the catalyst for romance.
3. You cannot mention Nick Lachey or this song to the person 24 hours prior to your makeout attempt.
4. You cannot play any Ashley or Jessica Simpson song for this person 24 hours prior to the makeout attempt.
5. You cannot have any Proactiv on your face.
6. You cannot be watching Entertainment Tonight during the time of makeout.

You can enter through the comment box by giving full details of your seduction. Most honest and best story wins the Summer NYCBABYLON CD!

To get yourself in the mood, here's the video!



Good luck!

Where Everybody Knows My Name

I had the realization that I'm a minor celebrity in my neighborhood. Everyone knows my name, but the real sign of fame is that I don't know anyone else's name. This is what it is like to be a neighborhood celeb:

1. When I went to Radio Shack tonight to buy some batteries, the salesman said, "Hi, Rachel."
2. When I took my mother to the Indian restaurant across the street, the owner told her that we were "very good friends" and gave us the best table by the fan.
3. The guy who answers the phone at Golden Woks didn't even ask me my apartment number when I called for delivery and said my name. He knew who I was.
4. The owner of one of the boutiques on Bleeker told me she likes my new hair color. I haven't seen her in months and rarely shop there.
5. I didn't have cash at the drycleaner and the woman there told I could pay her the next time I came in to drop stuff off. She said, "I know you!"
6. Mexicans on the block always know my name without even being introduced to me.
7. The tailor hemmed my pants on the spot. She usually makes customers wait three days.
8. The lady at the nail salon gave me five extra minutes of free foot massage and asked me about MJ Cat. I actually know her name. It's Cindy.

I love local fame!

You Don't Bring Her Flowers...

The Bus Stopcast

Even though the gods are crazy, even though the stars are blind,
Todd and Rachel podcast from a Bus Stop this time...

Other lyrical musings include:

• How our wedding date almost didn't happen.

• How to avoid getting on a bus, while waiting for a bus.

• Scary people hang out at bus stops.

• Our favorite other vanity songs (not actually by Vanity).

• Another interview with someone who's kinda famous.


As always, this, and EVERY, BEWARE OF THE BABYLON podcast can be automatically downloaded to your computer and transferred to your iPod through iTunes.

Whatever Happened to Class?

Rather than get threatened with a lawsuit, I will just quote the great Kander and Ebb in regards to the above photo.

Ah, there ain't no gentlemen
To open up the doors
There ain't no ladies now,
There's only pigs and whores
And even kids'll knock ya down
So's they can pass
Nobody's got no class!

Carted Off

Today, my office neighbor disappeared from The Bank. I just told my mother that someone was "carted off" from The Bank and she asked me if "carted off" was an official banking term like "reorg." She also said that my sister uses the term "partnering" and that is also a madeup word. I told her that "carted off" was not an official banking term, but that when you are fired from the bank, you must leave immediately and are "carted off" by a security guard. I was upset about this all day, and was just about to blog about the situation when I noticed that ANP already posted the story in her blog. I also noticed that she uses the term "carted someone away." So perhaps "carted off" is a banking term. In any case, here is her report:

They carted someone away from The Bank today. No drama; no jack-booted thugs. Just a quick "I'm so sorry I can't say goodbye to all of you personally" email from a woman whose cute skirt I had complimented just hours before.


Happier times

And then she was gone.

All of this was made more confusing by the fact that her name was scrolling during the big town hall offsite meeting powerpoint, heralding her as one of the newest members of our team.

Since 90% of what 90% of the people at The Bank do is simply diagram plays yet not actually run any of them (diatribe against what I like to call "Running The Baseline" forthcoming), the office was atwitter with allegations, lies, and other things that none of us could prove.

Did she fail her piss test like that other dude who got booted off the CFO team?
Did she lie about graduating from college?
Did she get arrested and not mention it on her employment application?

(I didn't, but the judge told me not to; I had to come up with the "this was supposed to be expunged" paperwork and it was all good.)

It seems it might have been more complicated than all of that and related to the fact that we work at The Bank. They gave me weeks to come up with my arrest paperwork; they didn't cart me away instantly.

All I know is that I feel sad and I wish that whatever happened, my former colleague had been in a place where she could have been upfront about whatever it is that came up during her background check. I feel badly that she was so ashamed about it that she pretended it didn't exist and did not disclose.

And even though I ran over and gave her a big hug the second I read her email and just before she left the 31st floor forever, I wish I could give her another one.

I still have the nice card she gave me to congratulate me for the debut of my one woman show. She had just started as a consultant then.

* sigh *

Well, shucks.

The upside for everyone not equal to her is that we're now hiring for her replacement.

* sigh *

For the record, I've never been arrested.

Two-Faced Pussy

I would love to have a geek cat like this. I hope Frank/Louie is alive somewhere!

White Guy Rap

As you know, I've been going to thousands of weddings this summer. Check out this video that Todd made documenting how the WASPS partied last weekend at the Greenwich Country Club.

Madonna

This is the opening of the Madonna concert when I nearly had a heart attack from the anticipation of Madonna erupting out of the disco ball.

Malan Is Out!

I was very sad to see the best personality Malan Breton get voted off Project Runway during this season's SECOND episode! I wanted to get to know more about Malan and his fake accent. I was sad for him when he cried as he left the workroom. In any case, I think Michael from Atlanta is the man to beat!

Magic Eraser

I've been out of the office the past couple of days because they ran out of power in Queens and told us to go home. To take advantage of my free time, I've experimented all over the apartment with the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. The Magic Eraser is the best cleaning product EVER. It's even better than Soft Scrub. It cleans walls, grease, shoe scuffs, etc. I am not joking. GO GET SOME OF THESE!

I Confess

Today, I woke up sad knowing that I was missing my chance to see Madonna at Madison Square Garden tonight. After work, I braved the heat and stood in front of the stadium and loudly exclaimed, "Does anyone have a single ticket?" A man appeared and told me had one ticket because his buddy didn't show up. Before I could say "lucky star," Madonna erupted before me out a big disco ball. When she came out on the crucifix, I almost had a heart attack. Every time I see Madonna, I have this moment of clarity. This time, I realized that I am going to stop being a control freak for the summer and have some fun.

A Lot

Over the past few months, I've been arguing with coworkers regarding the two words "a lot." I am always shocked that educated people use the word "alot" in business emails. Perhaps this common spelling error began because there does exist in English a word spelled "allot" which is a verb meaning to apportion or grant. The correct form, with "a" and "lot" separated by a space is perhaps not often encountered in print because formal writers usually use other expressions such as "a great deal," "often," etc. If you can't remember the rule, just remind yourself that just as you wouldn't write "alittle" you shouldn't write "alot."

Coworkers continue to argue with me that this simple spelling rule is now up for debate and that "alot" is now completely acceptable. I, however, cannot find evidence that "alot" has been fully accepted as a word in the English language. I would never hire someone who uses the word "alot" and I would probably not date someone who thinks "alot" is one word. I don't reply to myspace friend requests who use the word "alot" in profiles.

Friends tell me this is crazy, but I think that the inability to remember this simple rule of English grammar can indicate other personality problems. These problems include the following:
-inability to take direction
-poor listening skills
-laziness
-low IQ
-general moron
-lack of ambition
-brain damage from too much drug use

In my review last week, I was directed that I need to be more tolerant of morons at work. I am using this post to help my readers know that I am not alone in this intolerance towards this spelling error. Poor spelling can turn off potential suitors and employers.

The Ghosts of Christmas Past

So, tonight as I was on my way to meet a date for drinks in the horrible Meat Packing district, I walked straight into an ex and his very pregnant wife. I don't know if this was a good sign or a bad sign for the date about to happen and I'm not quite sure how the date even went, other than that he was sexy as hell yet kind of awkward. Actually, he looked like Viggo Mortensen, and he had a 100% chance if he made an actual move. The date, however, ended awkwardly with a shoulder tap and a "I'll call you," which is never a good sign that I will see a guy again. Then, I ran into my old boss who once made me cry, but he seemed glad to see me and bought me an ice cream cone at Cones. I don't know if this is a good or bad sign, but I have my mid-year review tomorrow and I hate receiving corporate "feedback" as I just want to do my job and go home and not spend time talking about "how I'm doing" at work, because frankly, I'm doing all I can and don't feel like discussing it in a conference room. Why is it when you want feedback you can't get it and when you don't, they put it in an official file?

Is it Real or is it Memorex?

OK, last Spring I bought this DVF dress which is now completely sold out. Today at work, I actually saw some woman wearing it in the cafeteria which I thought was a little odd because she didn't look a DVF type, and the dress is a little much for the office. Anyway, I complimented her on her good taste and told her I had scored the same dress. She replied, "Don't you just love Forever 21?" Up until this moment, I actually did love Forevever 21 for it's designer copies. That was until, I saw someone wearing a copy of my designer dress that I purchased at full price at Saks.

TV Tuesday

I am watching terrible Tuesday TV and was forced to see someone I hoped I would never see again for the rest of my life. And that person is Mike "Boogie" Malin. I didn't mean to watch Big Brother 7, but before I got to turn the channel I saw some broad wearing my DVF polka dot dress and then I was face to face with the most annoying person ever on reality TV. I can't begin to tell you how much I hated Mike Boogie in Big Brother 2 and I stopped watching after that season and I hoped that I would never even have to think about that fake LA wannabe ever again.

Now, I'm watching The World Series of Pop Culture which is the easiest game show ever. I could have won the title.

TV sucks in the summer. I wish I could go back in time and watch this fabulous Love Boat episode where Halston, Bob Mackie and Gloria Vanderbilt appeared as Guest Stars.

Muppets Loving Other Muppets

I'm not quite sure what to say about this other than the people that made this are crazier than me and Todd.

The Devil Wears Podcast

Rachel and Todd pay their dues recording a podcast any girl would die for a chance to be part of...

Listen and learn...

• What do muppets and night-time soaps have in common?

• Our first real fight over the podcast, dramatically re-enacted.

• Where did all the Furbies go?

• Why does Tom from MySpace need a new photo?

• And, as usual, Rachel speaks Martian. Again.

That's all.

As always, this, and EVERY, BEWARE OF THE BABYLON podcast can be automatically downloaded to your computer and transferred to your iPod through iTunes.

YouTube Catblog Friday

I wish I could toilet train MJ Cat like this. This video is better than anything I've seen on Wild Kingdom.

Nose Job!

Today, I met with my ENT who recommended that I get my "deviated septum" fixed. I actually have a severely deviated septum, but I'm not going to use the old deviated septum excuse to explain my upcoming surgery. The fact is, I'm having a nose job although my doctor didn't offer me any cosmetic changes. I'm wonding if perhaps I should call him and tell him that I want a nose like Catherine Zeta Jones or I should let him go in, fix the septum and hope for the best? Does anyone out there have advice?

Independence Day Wednesday

To celebrate the 4th of July, I pretended I was in Paris and visited the Girodet exhibit at the Met with my mother. According to the Met:

This is the first American retrospective devoted to A. L. Girodet-Trioson (1767-1824), a favored but rebellious pupil of Jacques-Louis David. Girodet's idiosyncratic style fuses Davi's Neoclassical ideal with his own prescient Romantic vision. A selection of approximately 100 paintings and works on paper reflects his originality and the diversity of his works, from mythological subjects to portraits and representations of Napoleon's military triumphs.

I don't know much about Girodet, but this exhibition was amazing and was much better than the Anglomania exhibit which brought me uptown in the first place. My favorite painting was The Sleep of Endymion, 1791. There was also a HUGE portrait of Napoleon which was fascinating. While other mothers and daughters sat quietly sketching the paintings, my mother asked me loud questions and disturbed the other patrons exclaiming,"I really don't know much about this kind of art." I told her to enjoy the air conditioning but she wanted to leave to go outside to smoke a cigarette. I wanted to go inside and visit the Susan Sontag tribute, but my mother preferred to sit on the steps and listen to the hysterical sermon of The Reverend Basiru A. Gbadamosi who was proselytizing in the 100 degree heat.
My mother found the Reverend much more entrancing than any exhibit at the Met and summarized his screaming sermon stating that she believes in a benevolent God and if God loves you, God really doesn't expect you to stand in front of the Met on a sweltering hot day wearing a three piece black suit while shouting the gospel at the top of your lungs to a bunch of foreign tourists. I agreed and took the Reverend's card which she asked me to give to her so that she could visit this dude's Web site because that would give her "something to do" when she got home. At first I thought this was sad, but since I'm blogging about the Reverend, I guess I can't make too much fun of her for this. After the Met, we had lunch at Viand and shared a turkey sandwich. My mother insists on sharing entrees because my sister always shares entrees with her to save money. This normally annoys me, but I'm trying to lose 10lbs. so I didn't argue with her this time. (When, however, I am over the age of 60 and start complaining about the size of restaurant entrees, please remind me that I am worth my own sandwich.) On the way home, as we were about to get on the subway, the turnstyle was broken and said "Go," but instead of just going, my mother switched turnstyles exclaiming it was broken. She swiped her card on another turnstyle rather than just walking through for the free trip. My God believes in that if the MTA is offering you a free trip, you should take it rather than spend the $2.00 on another entry. Don't get me wrong. I love my mother and she supports me in everything I do, but I have to say, sometimes it takes celebrating the 4th with your mom to appreciate the freedom you have after she goes home.