Thursday, December 30, 2004

New Year's Resolutions by MJ Cat: Catblog

Since tomorrow I am on vacation, here are my New Year's resolutions! Let's hope that 2005 is a saner and happier year for everyone.

1. I will not waste the pretty. I am one handsome cat. Don't forget it.
2. I will not gobble my food. I will enjoy each morsel.
3. I will lose 10% of my body weight by 2/1/05.
4. I will not bite the hand that feeds me. I will try to pay attention if someone calls my name.
5. I will work harder and try to get published somewhere other than this damned blog.

I'm serious about my resolutions!

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

The return section at Walmart the day after Christmas at 1:00 AM.

Top 10 Movies of 2004

Although I realize that every moron out there has his or her top 10 movie lists, here is mine for 2004.

1. Tarnation
This was so good I wish I had made it. Medium can save your life.

2. Baadasssss!
I am always up for any movie about the demytholigization of an asshole father figure. The Royal Tennebaums was the last great movie that successfully showed this psychological process. I'm also a sucker for any film about film. Mario redeems himself on all accounts through catharsis.

3. Before Sunset
How good is that last crazy scene from the point where she plays the Waltz until the very last second? Everybody went "Awww" in the theater. I'm not a romance movie kind of girl, but Ethan has never been better in anything than he has been in these Sunrise/Sunset movies and Julie Delpy is just so pretty and relatable. And that scene where she went to touch him but withdrew her hand made my heart shutter. God, I wonder what happened to that guy I met on the beach in the summer of 1992. I wonder if he reads this blog and will look me up one day?

4. Bad Education
Almodovar just keeps getting better and better. I was engrossed. I told my friend that this was Almodovar's least gay movie, and he knew what I meant. Also, doesn't Gael Garcia look just like Julia Roberts? Uncanny.

5. The Aviator
I'm a sucker for this type of Hollywood Babylon story. I'm also a sucker for Scorcese and Leo. What can I say? I loved it.

6. Kill Bill, Volume 2
I can't believe I'm confessing this but I cried hysterically at the end of Kill Bill, Volume 2. I hadn't cried so hard since I saw My Dog Skip. Uma's quest for independence was extremely moving. She fought her demons with class, patience and style.

7. Thirteen Going on Thirty
By far, this Hollywood blockbuster starring my least favorite tabloid actress was surprisingly entertaining and thoughtful. I always wish I could go back to being 13 knowing what I know now and be able to change my life by making better choices. I know a lot of women feel the same way.

8. Sideways
Everything you've read about it is true. This movie is perfectly constructed on all accounts. All the actors deserve Oscars.

9. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
This was the saddest movie I have ever seen in my life. I shouldn't have watched it immediately after being dumped because I felt like I was going to throw-up the entire film. Jim Carey is becoming my favorite serious actor. I wish he'd stop doing stupid comedies.

10. The Dreamers
This movie was sexy and Michael Pitt is one SMF. Watching this movie and the Prince show were two of my most public heated moments of 2004. I bought the soundtrack.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Cat Earns MBA

MJ Cat has a MA in Cinema Studies from NYU and is on his way to earning his doctorate. He hasn't finished his dissertation yet which examines all Felix the Cat movies under the context of Ludwig Wittengenstein's texts and theories. He earns his keep by catching mice at a restaurant and is negotiating now for an Alpine Cat Scratcher for his recent conquest of ten mice. Like this cat,he should have received an online MBA from Trinity Southern University, because he'd be earning a lot more money than he does at his current job with his crappy Cinema Studies MA.

Monday, December 27, 2004

Holiday Blues

Well, Christmas is over and now I have a serious case of the holiday blues. Here's why:
1. I am out of vacation days and have to go back to work this week.
2. I gained five pounds.
3. I need a new love interest. I still miss Mr. Book still and The Snack is getting on my nerves.
4. I'm cold and my skin is drying out from the heat.
5. My hair color is fading and my colorist moved to Ohio.
6. I've spent too much time with my sister and mother who gang up on me and pick on me and treat me as if I were a child.
7. I miss my pet back home.
8. I feel as if I have nothing to look forward in the next few months.
9. I hate the month of January.
10. I hate New Year's Eve and the pressure to have fun surrounding it, yet I don't want to sit home alone with my cat.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Happy Holidays from MJ Cat. We'll be back next week.

Monday, December 20, 2004

The Men of 2004

This is a list of the best (not all) of the men I dated in 2004. These are the men who inspired me, drove me crazy, consumed me and pissed me off and, yet, made my year memorable. Compared to 2003, I must confess it's been a busy year. Despite being so busy, it's been passionate and I actually miss spending time with some (not all) of them. As always, I've changed their names, not to protect the innocent but to protect myself.

The Music Man (November 2003-February 2004)
Looking back, I can't say why he was in my life. To see what prompted me to tell him to never call me again, please refer to my Brunch Etiquette tips. I do not miss him at all. I went through a period where I dated eccentric weirdos and he was fortunately my last.

The Playboy Auctioneer (December 2003-April 2004)
Although we technically never dated, I spent a lot of time and cold nights with this man last Winter. We both enjoyed reality television, smoking, gossip and text messaging. I loved watching him on PBS and he loved that I loved watching him on TV. Also, he really did make me laugh. At the time, I had a hard time admitting that I actually really liked him because he was a close friend of one of my best friends and I felt that I had to put my guard up. Things ended after he went on a business trip to the Czech Republic and met some woman while he was there. When he returned, this "most eligible bachelor" told me we couldn't see each other "that way" anymore and I don't think he wanted to be friends after I referred to his new woman as his "Czech whore." It took me a couple of months to get over him.

First Step (April 2004-July 2004)
Rebounding from the Playboy Auctioneer, I met First Step at a coffee shop. I even dragged my ass to eat Thai food and watch Netflix with him in his Brooklyn apartment. He used to send me video messages at work where he would go into the closet at his office and sing songs for me. While I realize this sounds very cheesy, it always made my day. Unfortunately, First Step had just entered AA the previous month and wasn't really allowed to be dating so I called it off in both of our best interests.

Full Bodied (July 2004-August 2004)
I really didn't like him, but he was just kind of around and told me how hot I was and how he just loved my "full body." Paranoid about the "full bodied" comment, I immediately stopped eating, but my friends assured me that I looked fine and that he was just into T&A. He ended our affair over email (he had a girlfriend) and I actually forgot about him until I just wrote this. I can't even remember his last name.

The Nice Guy (May 2004-July 2004)
A DJ at a club I used to frequent, The Nice Guy was extremely nice. We went out on many dates and I even went to see his band play a couple of times. I never put out at all because I just never really dug him and I can't quite say why. I found an easy "out" after his entire gastro system shut down in some sort of freak illness and he had to go into the hospital and be fed through a tube.

Mr. Book (August 2004-October 2004)
Out of all the men I have dated in the past couple of years, I had the strongest feelings for Mr. Book. He was extremely smart, handsome, fun, funny and just easy to be around. He even showed me the warts on his foot on our first date. On our second date, he told me that he really liked me and I remember feeling this great sense of relief and optimism. I still don't quite understand why it ended other than he became clinically depressed. While our affair was brief, I confess that I miss him and the process of getting to know him. He bought me this large wall mirror that I have hanging above my couch and whenever I look at myself in it, I see his dimples smiling back at me. I hope he can find his own smile again.

Non-Alcoholic (October 2004)
Trying to Not Waste the Pretty after the Mr. Book fallout, I quickly rebounded. I liked him because he has been sober for over ten years and he mentally just seemed "there" and "into me." Unfortunately, I was a mess and mentally "not there." I royally fucked it up with him on our third date by calling him Mr. Book's name during a moment of passion. All I can say the timing was off and he was a really nice guy with a great ass.

The Spanker (November 2004)
Although we had met years ago, I had one date this year with the Spanker. We only had one date because instead of kissing me goodnight like a regular date, he pushed me against the wall and spanked me. I might be crazy, but this scared me and I didn't respond to the crazy email he sent me. After this date, my friends put me on dating probation which I am technically still on until January.

The Snack (December 2004-present)
Although I am technically still on probation, I am allowed to spend time with The Snack because he makes me happy. And to all of those who keep asking me, I confess now that I actually kind of like him. OK, I really like him BUT THIS WILL NOT GET SERIOUS. It's just that he's uncomplicated, sweet, kind and fun. I am looking forward to spending the day with him tomorrow.

Friday, December 17, 2004

MJ Cat Attacking the Tree

Don't Eat the Tree: Friday catblog

Don't Eat the Tree: A Holiday Catblog Poem by MJ Cat

I can't help it if I want to eat the Christmas tree
It looks a special feline gym
Custom-made especially for me.
Every bite I take is tainted with bitter apple spray
But the tree is just so shiny and pink,
I can't keep my paws away.
The tree doesn't have any lights
because I'll fry myself
with my crazy cat bites.
Christmas makes me really sad
Because I keep hearing the words,
"Stop it, Max, you are so bad!"

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Things I Hated 2004

1. Jessica Simpson. Her Christmas album is the worst recording I have ever heard.
2. The Anna Nicole Trimspa commercial where she pretends to be a cat. It is insulting to cats.
3. The Bachelor is so over. I hate all dating reality shows.
4. Judith Regan. She's boring and has too much botox.
5. Old TV shows turned into bad major motion pictures.
6. Following the Weight Watchers points. I'm starting to get sick of this.
7. student loans
8. Separating my laundry
9. running out of toilet paper
10. ex-wives and ex-girlfriends of current boyfriends
11. drunken celebrity speeches at award shows
12. annoying coworkers who ask stupid questions and schedule unnecessary meetings
13. bad customer service at expensive stores
14. when my hair is not the way I want it to be
15. cold windy rainy weather
16. finding any sort of lump in my body and waiting for test results
17. Creating my monthly report for work
18. Waiting in line at TJ Maxx
19. My Sprint PCS contract
20. Restricted phone calls
21. when my mother hangs up on me to talk to my sister
22. Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Kelly Ripa
23. mayo
24. ketchup
25. cheese
26. relish
27. when I screw up the Netflix return envelope and tear off the sticky strip
28. computer crashes
29. working in Hoboken
30. not making enough money to support my lifestyle
31. Hillary Swank--I'd wish she'd just give up
32. when friends have a nervous breakdown
33. Billy Bush on Extra
34. The way my cat won't eat out of the bowl and only food from off the floor
35. cab motion sickness
36. Guys who say they will call you, and don't
37. Cash Bar
38. The ongoing feeling that a terrorist attack can happen at any time
39. Doing the dishes
40. Britney Spears and Kevin Federline
41. Pet abuse
42. The results of the 2004 Presidential election
43. Monday mornings
44. Inefficient clerks at check-out counters
45. "Storm watches"
46. Condi Rice
47. Sleepless nights
48. The amount of money it now costs to take a taxi
49. Disappearing boyfriends
50. Allergies and asthma

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

My Balls

Here is the recipe for my meatballs.
1/2 pound ground beef
1/2 pound ground pork
1/2 pound ground veal
1 egg slightly beaten
2 cloves minced garlic
1/4 cup grated Parmagianno cheese
1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley
1 cup breadcrumbs
2 tbs. red wine
1 tbs. tomato paste

These are all approx. measurements because I never really measure. Put the garlic and parsley in your food processor. Chop it up. In a large bowl combine all other ingredients and mix up with your hands. Round the balls in your hands. Above is what a finished plate should look like. Good luck!

This is for readers who wanted a better photo from Friday's catblog.

Monday, December 13, 2004

Gates of Heaven: RIP Dear Stanley

When I was a little girl growing up in York, PA, I had a best friend. His name was Stanley and he was a perfect little beagle. He just appeared one day in our yard and ran into our house and ate a houseplant. My parents put an ad in the paper and called the SPCA, but nobody claimed him. My mother said I could keep him. We spent many happy hours together. He could do many tricks including rolling over, singing softly or loudly, dancing on his hind legs and playing dead. Stanley, however, was a restless dog and used every chance he could get to escape our house and roam the neighborhood. One day, Stanley was hit and killed by a truck on Market Street and a man carried the dead animal to our doorstep. I still clearly remember the image of seeing my best friend lying motionless in a stranger's arms. This was my first encounter with death. I was six years old. My parents buried Stanley in a satin-lined coffin and placed a marker on his grave at the Grandview Pet cemetery. I always found comfort as a little girl knowing that Stanley would lie in eternity surrounded by other beloved pets. In times of trouble, I still dream of Stanley. He speaks to me in dreams and offers me advice.

Today my mother called to tell me about an article in the paper announcing that the pet cemetery had been turned into a yard and was no longer in business. Over Christmas holiday, I plan to return to his burial site and claim his marker and pay respects by leaving one more wreath for my beloved best friend. If any of you readers have pets buried at this location, here is the information:


Jack McGraw said people who have pets buried in what was once Grandview Pet Cemetery in Codorus Township and want to have their gravemarkers as a keepsake may contact him at 428-9131. He said he will set up appointments for people to retrieve their markers, but they must know where the markers are. McGraw does not have maps or burial records showing where all the plots are.

Holiday Entertaining Tips

Tonight I hosted what I thought was a great small holiday dinner party. My theme was the Goodfellas Hannukah dinner. Here are the ingredients for a successful evening with your friends:

1. Meatballs, sausage and Italian gravy with Rigatoni. (I cooked for six hours. This is a bigger deal than it sounds.)
2. Steroid eyedrops for friends allergic to your pet
3. Live Aid DVD set (my friend brought this as a gift and we were all riveted.)
4. Red Stripe beer and red wine
5. The Meat Plate (A plate of just Italian meats with no cheese. I include grapes.)
6. Italian Christmas Cookies for desert.

Friday, December 10, 2004

Don't Shake the Tree: Friday Catblog

I know from personal experience that the holidays can make any cool cat get out of control. No bitter apple solution or water sprayed in my face or scolding can keep me from chewing on the Christmas Tree. I don't have a lot of outlets so this is how I go nuts during the holidays. Be sure to control yourself over the holidays or someone might surprise you with bitter apple when you least expect it.
1. Don't get too drunk or crazy at your holiday parties. Be professional and only have one drink if any at all. I hear Shirley Temples are back in vogue.
2. Remember to send your holiday cards. I keep pro-cat-inating on this task.
4. Stop eating so much. You don't want to be fat in 2005.
5. Have fun. I always feel that the period between New Year's Day and Valentine's Day is just one downward depressive slide.
6. Don't spend all your money. I tend to get a little too generous over the holidays. I bought my owner a lot of presents this year and I don't have any money.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Don't Waste the Pretty 2005

Last night at 1:30AM, I had an epiphany about why that book "He's Just Not that Into You" is such a phenomenon. Oprah rebroadcast her episode yesterday featuring the authors talking about the book. In any case, I finally understood the message of the title when Greg said to a woman waiting for a man to ask her out, "Don't Waste the Pretty." So, for 2005, I am going to make every effort to follow this advice. I'm a smart hot piece of ass, so from now on, I am not accepting any shit from immature male morons. I don't believe in New Year's resolutions, but for the first time, I am making one. IN 2005, I AM NOT GOING TO WASTE THE PRETTY. Here's how:
1. I will not wait for men to call me. Rather than sit by the phone, I will go out with Snacks and enjoy myself.
2. I will not ever let myself become a second-tier woman. I will not accept any dates unless they are made at least three business days in advance.
3. I will not accept or go on booty calls, unless I am the caller. If I do go on one, and the man is passed out from too much Wild Turkey and doesn't open the door, I will not accept any additional dates with him.
4. If he's too busy, I will immediately move on. Bicoastal men are now out of the question.
5. I will not go out with married men.
6. I will stay away from addicts.
7. I will follow my instincts. As Oprah said, "If you ever have doubt, don't do it."

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Running Scared: Christmas Carols for the Blogosphere

I know that Running Scared has a love/hate relationship with this blog, but he was kind enough to actually include me in his Christmas Song "My Favorite Blogs." I'm impressed with the Reluctant Republican's creativity. I think I'll write an Xmas rap when I can get a free evening away from the Snack.

Monday, December 06, 2004

Do Not Get Closer

I can finally report on the most overrated and pretentious movie of the year. Laughable in the wrong places, poorly adapted and terribly acted, Closer is this year's Mystic River. Frankly, it's standard pretentious middlebrow "crap" posing as intellectual arthouse fare. Closer markets itself relying on pretty faces and a soundtrack. Julia Roberts seems like she's subtly acting because the character she plays is so poorly written. It's clear that she doesn't even understand her own role yet alone her connections to the other characters. Natalie Portman is terribly miscast and delivers one of the worst performances of the year. I laughed out loud during her final scene when she spit in Jude Law's face and I wanted to slap her throughout most of the movie. I don't think Mike Nichols intended this to be the laugh-out-loud moment of the year, but I couldn't control myself. I always want to spit on Natalie Portman anytime I see her in any movie or giggling on Bleeker Street with her friends. The 90's are so over now, and the days of Neil LaBute self-congratulatory nastiness seem tired and dull. Spend your money on Sideways.

Sunday, December 05, 2004

The Joy of Snacking with Younger Men

Otherwise known as "tadpoling," I discovered what I like to call "snacking" last night. I was explaining to my friend that I had a date with a man in his early 20s and she said, "Oh great...a snack!" After dating older men for the past couple of years and being burnt and confused by their complicated baggage, I have to confess, I enjoyed my evening with The Snack. I recommend to all you single women, find yourself a Snack for the holidays! If you don't overindulge, you might just fill up without gaining any unnecessary baggage weight. Here's why:

1. Most snacks don't have careers that take up too much of their time. They never really have to work late and if they do, they are not too tired to see your old ass.
2. Some Snacks live with their parents which I think might be better than a man actually being a parent. It's much easier to compete with parents, than with children.
3. Snacks like to go out and know of all the new places and secret parties. This can be fun and beats sitting home with you cat on Saturday night.
4. Snacks have A LOT of energy which can manifest itself in many pleasing and satisfying ways.
5. Snacks will text-message you how much they miss you even if they just saw you an hour ago.
6. Snacks think you are very cool and smart. They are in awe of your presence. They are not afraid to tell you this to your face.
7. Snacks have smooth skin and hard bodies.
8. You have the power in the relationship. This is a great remedy to help you forget the last man who sideswiped you and broke your heart.
9. Snacks are uncomplicated. They still have the optimism of youth rather than the pessimism that comes with an ex wife or a failed career. They are hopeful.

Warning: Don't rely on Snacks, as there is little chance, they will ever become a meal.

Friday, December 03, 2004

Holiday Dieting Tips from MJ Cat: Friday Catblog

Like most Americans, I struggle with my weight. I don't want to be a fat cat, so here are my December dieting tips.

1. Don't be a live garbage disposal. Eat your portion and don't eat off other people's plates.
2. Watch the Pounce treats! Mindless snacks can add on the pounds.
3. When you are done eating, hide your bowl. Dining at 3AM is just not necessary.
4. If you go to a party, only hit the buffet table once and watch out on the tossed treats (passed appetizers.)
5. Eat deliberately and slowly. As you can see, I throw my food on the floor and eat one chow at a time. Don't gobble.
6. Drink a lot of water. This can fill you up.
7. Remember, it's always better to look good than to feel good! Meow!

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Back to my Youth

Here is a recipe for a Grasshopper Cocktail I don't have time to write today. I have a date with a twentysomething. The ban has been lifted!

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Family Style Holidays: My Worst Nightmare

The holidays were traumatic enough when my parents were together. Check out this article about "Happy Divorces" and how divorced families are now spending the holidays together. I can't imagine spending Thanksgiving Tennenbaum style. My last memory of spending a holiday with my complete family together involved my sister throwing a steaming bowl of matzo ball soup in my mother's face. As punishment, my father dragged my screaming sister to her bedroom by her ponytail while my mother said nothing and ate another bowl of soup. It was all surreal because I was intoxicated from one too many grasshoppers. I was eight years old.

MSNBC - Happy Divorce

Wedding Contest in the Post

I think I need to enter this, even if it is only a fantasty and a lie. The New York Times Weddings is starting to bore me. I'm sick of reading about old boyfriends getting married for the second time.

I lost Miss Subways and they didn't name a street corner after me, so perhaps I can fabricate a love story for myself and I can win this sweepstakes!

New York Post Online Edition: contests