Sunday, October 31, 2004

What Not to Wear on Halloween

For those of you ladies who are last minute and do not have a Halloween costume yet, I advise you to NOT dress up as Anna Wintour. While Anna is an easy, comfortable and clever costume, you will be lost among a display of tits, ass and big hair in various angel, nurse, Paris Hilton and prostitute disguises. If, however, you want EVERY gay man to come up to you and start chatting with you, then I say go as Anna. Just remember gay men don't buy drinks for straight girls dressed up as Anna Wintour.

Friday, October 29, 2004

Tabby is the New Black by Maximillian Joseph Cat

I'm getting ready for my favorite holiday and working on my costume! This year I am dressing up as Paris Hilton. I am recovering from a tough week after being called to duty to mouse in my former restaurant home. I didn't catch anything and think I would have been a better help to my owner nycbabylon who was really lonely without me. I'm glad to be back in my home in time to jump on the catblogging bandwagon!
Hugs and hisses,
MJ Cat

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Catblogging? Are Cats the new Black?

I'm totally going to have to hop on the bandwagon with the trend of catblogging. Perhaps I need a softer approach and as the Times points out, "To some, the point is that posting pictures of their animals provides a chance to introduce a softer personality into blogs that are often hard-edged." This is the best article I've read in a long time. Please look for news from Max tommorow as he catblogs!
The New York Times > Technology > Circuits > On Fridays, Bloggers Sometimes Retract Their Claws

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Desperately Seeking a Tastykake

As a result of asking for some love advice, I received this list of men I should be dating from my friend Matthew. So, get in line, boys.

men who should be dating nycbabylon (and why) - the 26 october 04 version

-----disclaimer: if he's married, it's his loss - if he's gay, he's
just confused-----

13) Isiah Thomas, President of Basketball Operations, New York Knicks
He needs someone smarter than a Knicks City Dancer.

12) Eli Manning, rookie Quarterback, New York Giants
This country boy needs some big city fun.

11) Justin Timberlake, singer
He needs someone to tell him what jewelry is acceptable on a man.

10) Clive Owen, actor
He needs an American girl.

9) Erik Engstrom, Chief Executive Officer, Elsevier
He's not hot, but Amsterdam is the new London.

8) David Pasternack, chef, Esca
Again with the "not hot" but a girl's gotta eat.

7) Sander Kleinenberg, DJ
Again with the Dutch? But hey, he's a dj.

6) Nacho Figueras, polo player and model
Um, it's summer in Argentina when it's winter in New York.

5) John-Paul Lavoisier, actor
He's on a soap opera, so he understands drama. And he's from PA, so he
understands Tastykakes.

4) Derek Jeter, shortstop, New York Yankees
Hopefully she'll lure him away from baseball.

3) Ethan Hawke, actor
She's the only woman I know who is cooler than Uma. (Matthew seems to have forgotten his responsibility for my unfortunate Ethan Hawke run-in in 1994.)

2) Bradley Tomberlin, model
He needs to date someone prettier than he is.

1) Matt Cavenaugh, actor
When they break up, he can date me.

Monday, October 25, 2004

Strike a Pose, There's Nothing to It

It has been over a week and I've been silent regarding an article in a certain high-gloss fashion magazine profiling two people who threatened to sue me years ago for writing an expose on their illicit affair. Now, I am getting phone calls from friends requesting comments on this self-serving article. Without going into full details and naming names in order to protect myself from these two literally trying to take the coat off my back again, here are my most basic thoughts and comments:

1. I really didn't need to read this article while I was home feeling sorry for myself on a Saturday night eating a taco and watching Nuts for Mutts on Animal Planet. I mean I'm way cuter, nicer and smarter than she is, so why does she get to live in a billion dollar house and I am alone and live in a shack with a cat?
2. I have lost respect for this magazine. In Touch is a much better rag. The article was false and had no journalistic integrity. I mean, did they hire Liz Smith to write this trash?
3. I love how her response to the preformentioned scandal was written in email form by some hired publicist. That is so her.
4. His quotes made him sound like a moron. Is he really that shallow? I guess money can make any face handsome.
5. What's the deal with that designer that is up her ass? Or is he up his?
6. Who is training her now?
7. I think my favorite part of the article was the section where it discussed her dinner party menu and how she made a different entree for herself. That is so "down-to-earth."
8. There are so many mean yet true things I could say, but I don't need to, because if you read this article, I suspect you are already thinking these same things.

Crazy Cat Lady Action Figure

Someone just sent this to me. THIS IS NOT ME!!!!!!!!!!

Crazy Cat Lady Action Figure - Dolls, Plush Dolls & Action Figures

Caught with Pussy

OK, last night I was out with Max, and this woman I never saw before in my life comes up to us sitting on our favorite bench on the corner of Bleeker and Morton. This woman somehow knows Max and asked, "Is that Max who used to live in the restaurant?" Then she said that she read about us on the Web. She explained how her friend emailed her some article about me and Max and that we were the "famous waitress" and "famous cat" of the West Village. I have no idea to what article she was referring, but I'm kind of freaked out. Please alert me if you know about this article. This is not the kind of press I need to be receiving right now.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

Things I Learned This Week

I've decided to officially end my week today. It's been a crappy, depressing and grey week, but I've learned a lot of important life lessons. I am taking tomorrow off and spending the weekend boozing, whoring and doing pilates. Here is what I learned this week and feel free to apply these hard-learned lessons to your own life.

1. It is unwise to answer the phone after taking an Ambien.
2. Nice girls can finish last.
3. In times of despair, whatever you do, do not make any drastic changes to your hair. (This rhymes.)
4. If you do make drastic hair changes and then come home and hate it and then your best friend says "I can't believe you fucking did that to your hair! What the fuck were you thinking?" call your colorist immediately and cry and then he will fix it for free.
5. We live in a world where we know some people that you may even know and respect are voting for Bush. While this is disturbing, it is a fact.
6. You don't have to answer everyone at work all the time. It is perfectly acceptable to say, "I'll get back to you," especially if this is a pushy bitchy new coworker.
7. Just because a man is smart, he may not be very wise.
8. Sometimes life is grey. (My shrink told me this.)
9. He's Just Not that Into You might actually be a sacred text. When a man passes out after he invites you over, it is a warning sign that you should not ignore.
10. Baseball has nine innings, but sometimes it can have more.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

I Want My Money Back, You Bitch

I am currently dealing with the process of being completely disposed and ignored, like rotten vegetable remains in a garbage disposal. My shrink is on vacation in Portugal and the disposer refuses to talk to me and the romance was too short-lived to get any sympathy from friends. So, I'm seeking the counsel of my ipod. Here's my current playlist.

The One That Got Away - Tom Waits
Nothing screams "breakup" like Tom Waits sitting at a piano with a cigarette in one hand and a glass of whiskey in the other while growling into a microphone. And you get the impression that if anyone knows anything about love gone bad, about regret, it's the man with the gruff, weathered voice. When Tom sings, "Well I've lost my equilibrium, my car keys and my pride" and "just don't misspell her name buddy, she's the one that got away," I feel it.

Smoke Gets In Your Eyes-Eartha Kitt
Eartha's melancholy cover of this song can make anyone cry upon repeated listening while in an irrational state. I especially get involved in how it invokes that fleeting period of the optimism when you meet somebody new, realize that you like him although you are warned by all of your friends to steer clear, find out that your friends were right that he is perhaps a disaster, and then deal with all the disappointment alone after he inevitably lets you down. This song is sure to make you cry, especially if you are chain smoking obsessing about the situation and listening to this song for the 15th time. Yeah, smoke is in my eyes and it's a Marlboro Light.

Almost Blue-Elvis Costello
Inevitably, when I realize that I can't be with the one I want, I tend to just go for whoever is around, especially if he is really tall, handsome, has washboard abs and cowboy boots. I don't care if we really have nothing at all in common and I just like the way he picks me up in his car and every time he sees me says, "I forgot how pretty you are." Except when I'm with him, I somehow I can't get the images of someone else's left dimple or those weird hairs on his nose or those weird freckles on his thigh out of my mind. I think about how the last time I saw that someone else when he seemed happy, he climbed in the shower with me. I miss the way he made me laugh at bad Red Foxx jokes. Elvis Costello totally gets this in this song...the emotion of subconscious sadness, the cynicism, the regret, the distraction, the hope. The Everything But the Girl cover is equally effective.

Don't Think Twice, it's Alright - Bob Dylan
Nobody does dumped like Bob. While Bob has numerous songs about associating with the wrong person, this one is my favorite. In it, he never admits that his heart's been broken, choosing instead to merely shrug the whole thing off and slide in subtle and less than subtle insults at every opportunity, something I always appreciate. Best line: "Good-bye's just too good a word, gal; so I'll just say fare thee well. I ain't sayin' you treated me unkind; you could've done better, but I don't mind. You just kinda wasted my precious time. But don't think twice, it's alright." What he's saying is "Things didn't work out, but it's not me, it's you...and you suck."

No More Drama - Mary J. Blige
Whenever I'm feeling down, I listen to Mary J. I mean she's seen it all and now she's looking fabulous and experiencing huge success. This song is the "I Will Survive" of the new millennium. When Mary sings, "Only God knows where the story ends for me, but I know where the story begins. It's up to us to choose whether we win or loose and I choose to win," I get a little spring in my step. While I admit this is terribly cheesy, it totally works.

Song For the Dumped- Ben Folds Five
This song is the ultimate succinct and simple "I got dumped" songs. Ben Folds is super pissed and it sounds like he's going to slam his hands through his piano and for some reason this song always makes me feel better. How many times I've wanted to say, "So you wanted to take a break? Slow it down some and have some space. Fuck you, too. Give me my money back, you bitch."

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Velvet Hammer Strikes Again

After a long vacation, I revisited my old friend the Velvet Hammer last night. To avoid any problems, I even made sure I was in bed after taking only 5 milligrams. Then the phone rang, and I made the terrible mistake of answering it without looking at the caller ID. As far as I can remember, here is a transcript of the conversation:

Caller: Hey, it's John.
NYCB: What do you want?
Caller: I want to apologize for being such a dick and not calling for you so long.
NYCB: Upfront, I think you should know that I took an Ambien about 15 minutes ago and that is the reason I am slurring and will not be making any sense throughout this conversation.
Caller: That's cool. I'm in bed too.
NYCB: You know it has been a really long time. I totally wrote you off. You have been a dick. My hair is brown.
Caller: So, what else is new?
NYCB: I bought a new dress. There's a lion on TV. Where are you going for the election?
Caller: What? Listen. I get it. You are mad because I've been such an asshole. I'm calling to apologize.
NYCB: Listen, I told you I took a sleeping pill. I can't have this conversation right now....
Caller: I miss you.

And, that is all I remember which sucks because I really needed that kind of ass-kissing call and due to the Ambien, I totally forget what happened after that moment and am living now in my own drug-induced cliffhanger. Do not answer the phone when taking Ambien.

Monday, October 18, 2004

Letter to the Editor

I have been receiving all this random mail regarding my blog from old friends. I've been enjoying my correspondence with Matthew the most. It's nice to know old boyfriends (even ones who are now gay) haven't forgotten about me. I've linked all the obscure references for non-Yorkers. I can't believe this blog has become more about York than New York recently.

well, if you don't come home for thanksgiving, i'll see you saturday
night in manhattan - if you're coming home, we're going out on
wednesday night - got it? maybe if we're lucky we'll run into patrick
in the depot VIP lounge... or we can assault the
token gay bar after downing lukewarm 'tsing-tao' or some other random
asian alcohol at the india sports bar (do they only show cricket

i busted out laughing during a lecture the other day while reading
nycbabylon... you need to write more often... the prof has such a
hard-on for himself, i doubt he noticed that i spit a half-chewed
peanut m & m onto my powerbook display

anyway, when you know what's up with t-day, let me know - tell your mom
that flavor flav is coming to dinner

oh - catster rules - i wish i could have a cat here, so he could be
friends with max

Hair Crisis Update!

For those of you who have been following my self-imposed hair crises over the past three decades, I am in the process of dealing with full-blown disaster. This current episode has completely put me over the edge making me think irrationally and compulsively and forcing me to do anything to distract myself from admitting that I HATE MY FUCKING HAIR. Starting with the current disaster, here is a list of all previous hair meltdowns.

No More Sex in the City Hair Crisis (2004)
I was reading an issue of In Touch and decided that I liked Sarah Jessica Parker's brownish hair. I also like Reese Witherspoon's newly brunette locks. Then I asked some guy who just dumped me if he thought I should keep it blonde or dye it brown and because he answered "blonde", I made the final decision to go dark. I mean I've had a rough couple of weeks and I thought that perhaps I could simply change into someone new and transform my life with darker hair. This move was especially stupid, because I'm not having fun and the dark roots have ruined my sunny disposition. I am hoping to have this fixed ASAP and left hysterical messages for the guy who told me to keep it blonde and also on the salon's answering machine. Neither parties have returned my calls.

Mrs. Brady Hair Crisis (1998)
I had been very happy with my hair for years, but I made the fatal mistake of dating my Japanese hair stylist which, of course, went nowhere, and left me without anyone to cut my hair. I started seeing someone new at Warren Tricomi (who I still see to this day elsewhere for cuts), and one day he went crazy on my hair and cut into this fucked up style where it was short all the way around except for two long pieces down the front. That also happened to be the day that I had a work photo ID taken to remind me of this disaster. I went home and cried and my friend Adam said, "Oooh, Mrs. Brady" which forced me to immediately call the salon and schedule a "recut." Weeks later I ran into my old stylist/boyfriend on the street and he looked at me very sadly and said, "I see you are seeing someone new." He didn't mean me, he meant my hair.

Lost Highway Hair Crisis (1997)
After seeing Lost Highway, I had the crazy notion that like Patricia Arquette's character, I would radically transform myself overnight into another person. This time, I went from brunette to platinum blonde. Being so compulsive, I employed my friend Adam who worked at Soap Opera digest to oversee the process. I ended up with carpet-beige colored locks and a burnt scalp. Adam apologized, "Just because I'm gay, doesn't mean I can do hair!" The only good thing about this disaster was that it taught me to pay a hair colorist.

Disaster Place Hair Crisis (1994)
Broke and in graduate school, I made the terrible mistake of going to Astor Place. I had been growing out my hair and it was driving me crazy so I did an Astor walk-in and told them to cut it all off. Originally priced at around $10, I ended up having it cost a lot more at Bumble and Bumble where I went to have it fixed. The Japanese hairdress asked, "Who Cut Hair? Look like salad bowl?" I ended up dating him for free hair cuts.

Joan Jett Hair Crisis (1987)
My first hair crisis was so severe that many classmates refer to it in my senior high school year book. My stylist of the time named Pitella (one name) decided to transform my sweet curly permed Madonna locks into the rock and roll look of Joan Jett. Needless to say, I hated it and actually stayed home sick for two days and wore a hat until it growth out. I don't wear lesbian rock and roller very well.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

PA goes Jap! First Cheney now Ikura!

Yesterday I received an email from the first guy I ever French kissed. He's gay now, but anyway, he wrote to me yesterday to let me know that he enjoys reading nycbabylon and that he misses the York Fair and also had a crush on Steve Carter. So, in honor of Matthew who still thinks I still "rock" after all these years, I'd like to spotlight that York is finally opening some ethnic restaurants, including two new "Japanese" restaurants. Remember the days when the only non PA-dutch meal you could go out for in York was some chow mein at the Golden Dragon on Eastern Boulevard? I mean I'm in New York City and I can't get a California role and a pizza steak at the same restaurant after buying some Lee jeans at the Bon Ton. Matthew, in memory of our good times together, over Thanksgiving, I'll buy you a beer at the India Grill and Sports Bar at the Quality Inn Hotel on Market Street.

Japanese restaurant to open Monday - York Daily Record

Monday, October 11, 2004

Bad Customer Service in SoHo Report.

Yesterday I went on a manic shopping spree. If Bloomberg really wanted to revive the downtown economy, he should take a look about the incompetent people running shops in lower Manhattan. Below is a list of what I would have purchased had I been properly helped. I always buy more than for what I budget and I was in a manic state which is why the price of the budgeted item does not match the loss to the store.

1. Bodyhints- I need new lingerie. I budgeted $200 for bras and matching panties. Nobody would help me in the dressing room to get me a bra that fits. I left with nothing.
Loss to store: $300

2. Sephora- I need to completely update my colors while also replenishing skin care products. First, I went to Sephora to pick up my Stila Moisturizing Foundation in shade D. The woman (wrongly)told me that Stila discontinued it. So, I asked her to recommend something else but she ignored me and helped some crazy old bag looking lady. Meanwhile, I had two bottles of perfume in my cart valued at about $200. But because I came there for the foundation, I didn't feel the perfume purchase was justified so I stormed out purchasing nothing.
Loss to store=$260

3. Bloomingdales- I went to Bloomingdales to try to rectify the cosmetic situation. I first went to the Benefit counter where the attendant seemed busy rifling through drawers looking for a lipliner for someone. Based on this behavior, I had to assume that she wasn't the real Benefit representative so I moved onto the Stila counter to buy my foundation. The woman working there also seemed overtaxed and let a woman butt in front of me in the line. Snubbed again, I didn't buy the foundation. Then I moved over to Laura Mercier, but again, I must have been invisible. I left with nothing and never made it upstairs to coats, dresses, jeans, bras and shoes.
Loss to store: $1500

4. Jill Stuart - I don't know what to say about Jill Stuart. I saw a very pretty dress in the window. They didn't have my size on the rack. I asked the saleswoman to help me. She looked at me like I was foreign, and turned her back on me. I left.
Loss to store: $700

4. Radio Shack - My cell phone is on the fritz and the guys working at Radio Shack were too pushy, rather than delicately helpful. I don't need a fucking video camera on my cell phone. I just want one that I can use to talk, especially to the home offices of the stores which I fled out of because I was being completely ignored.
Loss to store: $200

Friday, October 08, 2004

The Worst Halloween Costumes Ever

For Halloween, I usually dress up either as Madonna or Willie Nelson or as Miss Georgia, but considering I feel like shit this week, I am contemplating if I should just be a toilet seat cover. Funny Halloween Costumes

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Bachelor with Small Endowment

Without naming names (the clues lie somewhere deep in this blog), I must confess that I had a fling with one of Gotham's "eligible bachelors" during the first half of this year. I haven't read this issue to see if the writer warned other women about his extremely small "endowment."

'Gotham' Bachelor Guessing Game

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Pinky Rings

I hope a certain connoisseur of men's pinky rings and Stan Gilmer CDs changes his mind and dines with me at Rao's in a couple of weeks. Otherwise, I'm launching a city-wide contest and the person who kisses my ass the most, wins this hard-to-get opportunity.