Founder's Day

Three years ago, today marked the day that it was decided that MJ Cat would come and stay with me while his restaurant was closed for vacation. He didn't arrive until the 19th, which is my birthday but both of our lives were set in motion on this fateful day. I don't regret taking MJ Cat for a second. Look how cute he is!

The Mousecast

An infestation of city mice attack Rachel and Todd this week on BEWARE OF THE BABYLON




Also find out...

• What do Nuns, Klansmen, and Ancient Rabbis have in common?

• What's not to love about the afterlife?

• What does Todd like about Rachel?

• How should you break up with someone in public?

As always, this, and EVERY, BEWARE OF THE BABYLON podcast can be automatically downloaded to your computer and transferred to your iPod through iTunes.

Old Maid

Well, in less than one week, I'll be 35 and officially an old maid who lives alone in a studio apartment with her cat. Everyone is asking me what I want for my birtday, and I don't even know at this point. What I want can't be bought or wrapped in a package. I want to be famous.

Back

I was away and unexpectedly without any outside lines. So, I'm back and will be blogging this week. In any case, I bought this new dress for myself for my birthday next week. Let's see how long it takes Forever 21 to copy it.

Money Can't Buy Brains

This Britney/Federline video is pure art.

There's Got to Be a Morning After

For those of you who missed it, Elizabeth Hasselback freaked out on the View. Lisa Loeb tries to counter the debate. Lisa went to Brown. Elizabeth went to Boston College and believes in Creationism. Who do you think is smarter? The best part is at the very end, when boss Walters bitchslaps Elizabeth and Elizabeth gets pissy and tears up her note card.


Now, watch Elizabeth beg for her job after her boss gives her the smackdown.

The Do the Right Thingcast

listen here

On the hottest day of the summer,
You can do somethin'
You can do nothin'
Or you can Do the Right Thingcast!


Fight the powers that be and learn...

• What's more offensive than Mel Gibson after a night on the town?

• What happened to Rachel's other half - literally?

• Was the hand-picked Monkey Tea all just a lie?

• Why are the Jews so damn cool?

• Why are the Virgin security guards so concerned about patrons reading magazines?

As always, this, and EVERY, BEWARE OF THE BABYLON podcast can be automatically downloaded to your computer and transferred to your iPod through iTunes.

"The What's Left of Me" Nick Lachey Challenge!

The summer is heating up as it winds down. To celebrate, NYCBABYLON is hosting the "What's Left of Me Challenge." The competition involves actually seducing and making out with someone to the Nick Lachey song, "What's Left of Me." The rules are as follows:

1. The person cannot know that your seduction is part of this competition or read this blog. You must sincerely put on the song "What's Left of Me" by Nick Lachey and try to get the unsuspecting person to make out with you as a result of feeling the passion in this song.
2. You cannot already be making out and put on "What's Left of Me." This song must serve as the catalyst for romance.
3. You cannot mention Nick Lachey or this song to the person 24 hours prior to your makeout attempt.
4. You cannot play any Ashley or Jessica Simpson song for this person 24 hours prior to the makeout attempt.
5. You cannot have any Proactiv on your face.
6. You cannot be watching Entertainment Tonight during the time of makeout.

You can enter through the comment box by giving full details of your seduction. Most honest and best story wins the Summer NYCBABYLON CD!

To get yourself in the mood, here's the video!



Good luck!

Where Everybody Knows My Name

I had the realization that I'm a minor celebrity in my neighborhood. Everyone knows my name, but the real sign of fame is that I don't know anyone else's name. This is what it is like to be a neighborhood celeb:

1. When I went to Radio Shack tonight to buy some batteries, the salesman said, "Hi, Rachel."
2. When I took my mother to the Indian restaurant across the street, the owner told her that we were "very good friends" and gave us the best table by the fan.
3. The guy who answers the phone at Golden Woks didn't even ask me my apartment number when I called for delivery and said my name. He knew who I was.
4. The owner of one of the boutiques on Bleeker told me she likes my new hair color. I haven't seen her in months and rarely shop there.
5. I didn't have cash at the drycleaner and the woman there told I could pay her the next time I came in to drop stuff off. She said, "I know you!"
6. Mexicans on the block always know my name without even being introduced to me.
7. The tailor hemmed my pants on the spot. She usually makes customers wait three days.
8. The lady at the nail salon gave me five extra minutes of free foot massage and asked me about MJ Cat. I actually know her name. It's Cindy.

I love local fame!

You Don't Bring Her Flowers...

The Bus Stopcast

Even though the gods are crazy, even though the stars are blind,
Todd and Rachel podcast from a Bus Stop this time...

Other lyrical musings include:

• How our wedding date almost didn't happen.

• How to avoid getting on a bus, while waiting for a bus.

• Scary people hang out at bus stops.

• Our favorite other vanity songs (not actually by Vanity).

• Another interview with someone who's kinda famous.


As always, this, and EVERY, BEWARE OF THE BABYLON podcast can be automatically downloaded to your computer and transferred to your iPod through iTunes.

Whatever Happened to Class?

Rather than get threatened with a lawsuit, I will just quote the great Kander and Ebb in regards to the above photo.

Ah, there ain't no gentlemen
To open up the doors
There ain't no ladies now,
There's only pigs and whores
And even kids'll knock ya down
So's they can pass
Nobody's got no class!

Carted Off

Today, my office neighbor disappeared from The Bank. I just told my mother that someone was "carted off" from The Bank and she asked me if "carted off" was an official banking term like "reorg." She also said that my sister uses the term "partnering" and that is also a madeup word. I told her that "carted off" was not an official banking term, but that when you are fired from the bank, you must leave immediately and are "carted off" by a security guard. I was upset about this all day, and was just about to blog about the situation when I noticed that ANP already posted the story in her blog. I also noticed that she uses the term "carted someone away." So perhaps "carted off" is a banking term. In any case, here is her report:

They carted someone away from The Bank today. No drama; no jack-booted thugs. Just a quick "I'm so sorry I can't say goodbye to all of you personally" email from a woman whose cute skirt I had complimented just hours before.


Happier times

And then she was gone.

All of this was made more confusing by the fact that her name was scrolling during the big town hall offsite meeting powerpoint, heralding her as one of the newest members of our team.

Since 90% of what 90% of the people at The Bank do is simply diagram plays yet not actually run any of them (diatribe against what I like to call "Running The Baseline" forthcoming), the office was atwitter with allegations, lies, and other things that none of us could prove.

Did she fail her piss test like that other dude who got booted off the CFO team?
Did she lie about graduating from college?
Did she get arrested and not mention it on her employment application?

(I didn't, but the judge told me not to; I had to come up with the "this was supposed to be expunged" paperwork and it was all good.)

It seems it might have been more complicated than all of that and related to the fact that we work at The Bank. They gave me weeks to come up with my arrest paperwork; they didn't cart me away instantly.

All I know is that I feel sad and I wish that whatever happened, my former colleague had been in a place where she could have been upfront about whatever it is that came up during her background check. I feel badly that she was so ashamed about it that she pretended it didn't exist and did not disclose.

And even though I ran over and gave her a big hug the second I read her email and just before she left the 31st floor forever, I wish I could give her another one.

I still have the nice card she gave me to congratulate me for the debut of my one woman show. She had just started as a consultant then.

* sigh *

Well, shucks.

The upside for everyone not equal to her is that we're now hiring for her replacement.

* sigh *

For the record, I've never been arrested.

Two-Faced Pussy

I would love to have a geek cat like this. I hope Frank/Louie is alive somewhere!

White Guy Rap

As you know, I've been going to thousands of weddings this summer. Check out this video that Todd made documenting how the WASPS partied last weekend at the Greenwich Country Club.

Madonna

This is the opening of the Madonna concert when I nearly had a heart attack from the anticipation of Madonna erupting out of the disco ball.

Malan Is Out!

I was very sad to see the best personality Malan Breton get voted off Project Runway during this season's SECOND episode! I wanted to get to know more about Malan and his fake accent. I was sad for him when he cried as he left the workroom. In any case, I think Michael from Atlanta is the man to beat!

Magic Eraser

I've been out of the office the past couple of days because they ran out of power in Queens and told us to go home. To take advantage of my free time, I've experimented all over the apartment with the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. The Magic Eraser is the best cleaning product EVER. It's even better than Soft Scrub. It cleans walls, grease, shoe scuffs, etc. I am not joking. GO GET SOME OF THESE!

I Confess

Today, I woke up sad knowing that I was missing my chance to see Madonna at Madison Square Garden tonight. After work, I braved the heat and stood in front of the stadium and loudly exclaimed, "Does anyone have a single ticket?" A man appeared and told me had one ticket because his buddy didn't show up. Before I could say "lucky star," Madonna erupted before me out a big disco ball. When she came out on the crucifix, I almost had a heart attack. Every time I see Madonna, I have this moment of clarity. This time, I realized that I am going to stop being a control freak for the summer and have some fun.

A Lot

Over the past few months, I've been arguing with coworkers regarding the two words "a lot." I am always shocked that educated people use the word "alot" in business emails. Perhaps this common spelling error began because there does exist in English a word spelled "allot" which is a verb meaning to apportion or grant. The correct form, with "a" and "lot" separated by a space is perhaps not often encountered in print because formal writers usually use other expressions such as "a great deal," "often," etc. If you can't remember the rule, just remind yourself that just as you wouldn't write "alittle" you shouldn't write "alot."

Coworkers continue to argue with me that this simple spelling rule is now up for debate and that "alot" is now completely acceptable. I, however, cannot find evidence that "alot" has been fully accepted as a word in the English language. I would never hire someone who uses the word "alot" and I would probably not date someone who thinks "alot" is one word. I don't reply to myspace friend requests who use the word "alot" in profiles.

Friends tell me this is crazy, but I think that the inability to remember this simple rule of English grammar can indicate other personality problems. These problems include the following:
-inability to take direction
-poor listening skills
-laziness
-low IQ
-general moron
-lack of ambition
-brain damage from too much drug use

In my review last week, I was directed that I need to be more tolerant of morons at work. I am using this post to help my readers know that I am not alone in this intolerance towards this spelling error. Poor spelling can turn off potential suitors and employers.

The Ghosts of Christmas Past

So, tonight as I was on my way to meet a date for drinks in the horrible Meat Packing district, I walked straight into an ex and his very pregnant wife. I don't know if this was a good sign or a bad sign for the date about to happen and I'm not quite sure how the date even went, other than that he was sexy as hell yet kind of awkward. Actually, he looked like Viggo Mortensen, and he had a 100% chance if he made an actual move. The date, however, ended awkwardly with a shoulder tap and a "I'll call you," which is never a good sign that I will see a guy again. Then, I ran into my old boss who once made me cry, but he seemed glad to see me and bought me an ice cream cone at Cones. I don't know if this is a good or bad sign, but I have my mid-year review tomorrow and I hate receiving corporate "feedback" as I just want to do my job and go home and not spend time talking about "how I'm doing" at work, because frankly, I'm doing all I can and don't feel like discussing it in a conference room. Why is it when you want feedback you can't get it and when you don't, they put it in an official file?

Is it Real or is it Memorex?

OK, last Spring I bought this DVF dress which is now completely sold out. Today at work, I actually saw some woman wearing it in the cafeteria which I thought was a little odd because she didn't look a DVF type, and the dress is a little much for the office. Anyway, I complimented her on her good taste and told her I had scored the same dress. She replied, "Don't you just love Forever 21?" Up until this moment, I actually did love Forevever 21 for it's designer copies. That was until, I saw someone wearing a copy of my designer dress that I purchased at full price at Saks.

TV Tuesday

I am watching terrible Tuesday TV and was forced to see someone I hoped I would never see again for the rest of my life. And that person is Mike "Boogie" Malin. I didn't mean to watch Big Brother 7, but before I got to turn the channel I saw some broad wearing my DVF polka dot dress and then I was face to face with the most annoying person ever on reality TV. I can't begin to tell you how much I hated Mike Boogie in Big Brother 2 and I stopped watching after that season and I hoped that I would never even have to think about that fake LA wannabe ever again.

Now, I'm watching The World Series of Pop Culture which is the easiest game show ever. I could have won the title.

TV sucks in the summer. I wish I could go back in time and watch this fabulous Love Boat episode where Halston, Bob Mackie and Gloria Vanderbilt appeared as Guest Stars.

Muppets Loving Other Muppets

I'm not quite sure what to say about this other than the people that made this are crazier than me and Todd.

The Devil Wears Podcast

Rachel and Todd pay their dues recording a podcast any girl would die for a chance to be part of...

Listen and learn...

• What do muppets and night-time soaps have in common?

• Our first real fight over the podcast, dramatically re-enacted.

• Where did all the Furbies go?

• Why does Tom from MySpace need a new photo?

• And, as usual, Rachel speaks Martian. Again.

That's all.

As always, this, and EVERY, BEWARE OF THE BABYLON podcast can be automatically downloaded to your computer and transferred to your iPod through iTunes.

YouTube Catblog Friday

I wish I could toilet train MJ Cat like this. This video is better than anything I've seen on Wild Kingdom.

Nose Job!

Today, I met with my ENT who recommended that I get my "deviated septum" fixed. I actually have a severely deviated septum, but I'm not going to use the old deviated septum excuse to explain my upcoming surgery. The fact is, I'm having a nose job although my doctor didn't offer me any cosmetic changes. I'm wonding if perhaps I should call him and tell him that I want a nose like Catherine Zeta Jones or I should let him go in, fix the septum and hope for the best? Does anyone out there have advice?

Independence Day Wednesday

To celebrate the 4th of July, I pretended I was in Paris and visited the Girodet exhibit at the Met with my mother. According to the Met:

This is the first American retrospective devoted to A. L. Girodet-Trioson (1767-1824), a favored but rebellious pupil of Jacques-Louis David. Girodet's idiosyncratic style fuses Davi's Neoclassical ideal with his own prescient Romantic vision. A selection of approximately 100 paintings and works on paper reflects his originality and the diversity of his works, from mythological subjects to portraits and representations of Napoleon's military triumphs.

I don't know much about Girodet, but this exhibition was amazing and was much better than the Anglomania exhibit which brought me uptown in the first place. My favorite painting was The Sleep of Endymion, 1791. There was also a HUGE portrait of Napoleon which was fascinating. While other mothers and daughters sat quietly sketching the paintings, my mother asked me loud questions and disturbed the other patrons exclaiming,"I really don't know much about this kind of art." I told her to enjoy the air conditioning but she wanted to leave to go outside to smoke a cigarette. I wanted to go inside and visit the Susan Sontag tribute, but my mother preferred to sit on the steps and listen to the hysterical sermon of The Reverend Basiru A. Gbadamosi who was proselytizing in the 100 degree heat.
My mother found the Reverend much more entrancing than any exhibit at the Met and summarized his screaming sermon stating that she believes in a benevolent God and if God loves you, God really doesn't expect you to stand in front of the Met on a sweltering hot day wearing a three piece black suit while shouting the gospel at the top of your lungs to a bunch of foreign tourists. I agreed and took the Reverend's card which she asked me to give to her so that she could visit this dude's Web site because that would give her "something to do" when she got home. At first I thought this was sad, but since I'm blogging about the Reverend, I guess I can't make too much fun of her for this. After the Met, we had lunch at Viand and shared a turkey sandwich. My mother insists on sharing entrees because my sister always shares entrees with her to save money. This normally annoys me, but I'm trying to lose 10lbs. so I didn't argue with her this time. (When, however, I am over the age of 60 and start complaining about the size of restaurant entrees, please remind me that I am worth my own sandwich.) On the way home, as we were about to get on the subway, the turnstyle was broken and said "Go," but instead of just going, my mother switched turnstyles exclaiming it was broken. She swiped her card on another turnstyle rather than just walking through for the free trip. My God believes in that if the MTA is offering you a free trip, you should take it rather than spend the $2.00 on another entry. Don't get me wrong. I love my mother and she supports me in everything I do, but I have to say, sometimes it takes celebrating the 4th with your mom to appreciate the freedom you have after she goes home.

I Love a Charade

Tonight at the BAFTA screening of The Devil Wears Prada, Stanley Tucci revealed that he has some kind annual charade tournament with a bunch of Hollywood heavyweights. According to Tucci, the best charade players are:
1. Steven Sondheim
2. Meryl Streep
3. Mia Farrow

God, I'd love to go that party.

The Devil Wears Prada

Forget Superman and run don't walk to see The Devil Wears Prada, a meditation on what women must compromise to experience professional success. Meryl Streep turns what should be a caricature of Anna Wintour into an admirable complex woman struggling with the sacrifices that women make to encounter enviable professional success. Anne Hathaway plays the self-entitled stupid bitch who doesn't realize she has a very good mentor and throws it all away to preserve some archaic notion of feminine "integrity" by taking a low-paying job and staying with her lame-ass boyfriend. If Miranda Priestly is the devil, I'm going to hell.

Superman vs. Mr. T.

I pity the fool who doesn't love this video!

What Not To Wear Thursday

I have no idea who this Jodie Marsh person is, but she looks horrible in this outfit. What ever happened to class?

Wednesday Update

Today is one of those days that I wish was Friday. After a long grueling day at the bank, I had a relaxing dinner at Anita Lo's Annisa. I had the skate. As my friends know, Skate is my favorite fish and I wasn't disappointed. The service was excellent and I was not disappointed with my meal.

Hitch Your Star Elsewhere!

I never watched the View, but I still find Star Jones annoying. I don't like that she won't reveal that she had stomach staples as a major part of her diet and I find it bizarre that she is so delusional that she thinks that her husband is actually straight. So, I was interested to watch her goodbye on the View. Then, I read that she was actually fired and now on People.com, I just read that ABC is tired of Star's bitching about being fired, they asked her to not come to work tomorrow! I'm on pins and needles to see how the Star Jones soap opera plays out this morning. I'll be at work, so email me with the scoop if you watch this morning's The View!

Happy Birthday, Todd!

Happy Cat Week!

Not only is it Todd's birthday, but it's also National Cat Week. I don't know what that means but let's celebrate our cats!

Thanks for the Memories

I was sad to hear about the death of the greatest TV producer of all-time Aaron Spelling. From Charlie's Angels to Love Boat to Dynasty to 90210 to Melrose Place, Spelling dramas taught me about fashion, romance and addiction to night-time soaps. As a little girl, I loved watching the lineup of celebs on Love Boat while Fantasy Island gave my nightmares. In college, I used to carry my television to my coffee house gig so that I could watch 90210 during my shift. When I moved to NYC, I bonded with new friends over the excitement of Melrose Place. Goodbye, Mr. Spelling. You were the greatest TV producer EVER!

Pet Pride

Somehow during my gay pride parade boycott, I missed that Liza Minelli was down the street from me reigning over a pet beauty pageant. If I would have known, I definitely would have dolled up and dressed Max in the bowtie for the butch/femme portion of the contest. I would have been all about pussy for the chance to meet Liza!

Superman Returns

I just returned from a screening of Superman Returns which was an entertaining 2 1/2 hours. The plot seems to take place after Superman 1 and 2 and thankfully ignores Superman 3 starring Richard Pryor. Superman 1 and 2, however, were a long time ago and I am confused about some basic Superman trivia.

1. Does Superman have human organs?
2. Why did Superman leave to go back to find his planet? Why did it take 5 years?
3. Why hasn't Jimmy Olsen or Lois realized Clark Kent is Superman?
4. Why was Lex Luthor put into jail?

You will want to know these answers before you attend. Overall, Superman returns did not contain the psychoanalytic subtext of the Hulk or the emotion of Batman Begins, but if you need to chill in the theater on a hot hot day, Superman will do.

Operation Exposure Activate!

Thank God I found out about Operation Exposure last week. Today, as I left my apartment in the midst of Gay Pride madness, I was greeted by a drugged out and drunk gay guy flashing his penis at me in broad daylight. I went to the cop on the corner and told him I needed the Operation Exposure team to protect me and he said that they were already on their way! I imagine OE had a busy day today. I saw nudity everywhere today as part of Gay Pride Day. I don't understand how public drunken nudity supports the cause, but I saw more cock, exposed tits and asses in a one hour than I've seen in the past 3 years. I am proud to be a hetero but I don't go around with my ass hanging out or peeing on cars to show my pride. What ever happened to class?

Gato Robato

I want a Robot Cat, and I want one NOW! Unlike MJ Cat, my little Robot Cat won't bite me when I put my shoes on, get pissed off and throw his litter all over the floor or bite my head at 4AM.

Tinsley: Before and After

I was very excited to find this Tinsley Mortimer collage on Social Rank. Again, Tinsley is the #1-rated socialite and I still don't know why. She is definitely more exciting than the zany Zani Gugleman.

The Meowcast

listen now...



Life is kind of like reality television.
Our lives are like reality television about cats.
BEWARE OF THE BABYLON explores this theory on this week's episode.

Meow meow meow, Todd and Rachel, meow meeeeooowww meow:

• A visit to the most famous place in all of catdom right now-Meow Mix House.

• Favorite song by a tragic musical figure.

• Capitalist career advice from Rachel.

• And weddings, suicide, and how the best is yet to come.


As always, this, and EVERY, BEWARE OF THE BABYLON podcast can be automatically downloaded to your computer and transferred to your iPod through iTunes.

Operation Exposure

The NYPD announced today their new program called "Operation Exposure" where they will cracking down on flashers and gropers on the subways. Office James Hall just exclaimed on NY1, "We don't want that stuff going on in the subways." Frankly, this is the best name for police initiative I've seen in a long time. It sure beats other lame operation names such as Nexus or Atlas.

Cat-Ass- Trophy

Ok, as I posted last week, I've been slightly obsessed with the Meow Mix House. It seems that I'm not the only person that has noticed the solitary Calico hogging the couch. It turns out Bambi has not been adopted due the perception to her sour personality. I actually went to the Meow Mix House tonight to investigate the issue. Bambi is like MJ Cat and does not prefer the company of other cats. When taken out of the house, she is loving and playful. I am sensitive to this type of animal because MJ Cat is also a solitary cat and he's a wonderful pet! Although Ellis is my favorite, I'm now voting for Bambi!

The Septum

A couple of weeks ago, I had a catscan of my sinuses and was diagnosed with a deviated septum. I haven't seen the ENT yet for my follow-up visit, but I'm hoping he recommends a nose job so I can give he excuse that I have a "deviated" septum in order to redefine my appearance as Ashley Simpson did last month.

Pray that I can get a free nose job! I've never had plastic surgery and am hoping this is my big chance!

Weird Austin Sign

Weird Austin Sign
Originally uploaded by redrachel.

I saw this sign in Austin, Texas. I was curious, but didn't go into this establishment.

The Best is Yet to Come

I just got back from a long weekend in Texas where I attended the wedding of good friends Lori and Erik. I ate so much bbq and beef that I am not eating for the next two weeks. In any case, the mother of the groom took me aside and said in the way only a Jewish mother can, "Perhaps you'll be next." I responded very cynically, "I don't think anytime soon." At this time, she took my arm, looked deeply in to my eyes and seriously proclaimed, "Rachel, the best is yet to come." God, I hope she's a prophet. I can't go to anymore weddings alone. I'm exhausted.

Where's the Beef?

I'm off to Texas for a long extended weekend. I'll be back on Tuesday with updates.

Meow Mix House

Two days ago, Todd sent me a press release that Meow Mix is launching a "reality" commercial show where stray cats will compete in a Survivor/Big Brother television program on Animal Planet. The to cat will become an executive at Meow Mix. As other cats are voted out of the house, they will get new homes and a year supply of food.

If you visit the Meow Mix Web site, you will see how the marketing team at Meow Mix continues to launch creative and fun promotions. Right now, there are already 30,000 votes on the site. MJ and I voted for Ellis, the erudite cat from Portland. We also even watched the webacam for a few minutes. Also, the cats each have their own blog. I've always argued that marketing blogs don't work, but I have to confess, I'm compelled by these fake Meow Mix catblogs. I will check them on a daily basis and even visit the Meow Mix House on 5th Avenue. The first episode will air on Animal Planet on Friday night at 9:10. Set your Tivo.

Ghosts of the Past

If we ever had any type of relationship and you are feeling the urge to contact me via phone, here are the rules:
1. I don't want to chat with you about my love life. Ask me out on a date.
2. I don't want to hear about your recent breakup. Apologize for your past behavior.
3. I don't want to talk about work. Apologize.
4. Be upfront and honest and tell me why you are contacting me, rather than a confusing, "What's up?" Chances are I'll meet you in person. Otherwise, I wouldn't have picked up the phone in the first place.

Tony Awards Live Blogging

I cancelled a date tonight to sit home in my negligee with my cat and watch the Tony Awards. Check out Harvey Fierstein in the presenter gift suite trying on this Chantelle bra. Coincidentally, I bought the same bra yesterday which makes me in the target Tony Award demographic. I'm officially old.

What Not To Wear Friday: Jessica Simpson

This is the ugliest dress I've ever seen. I can't even make a joke this dress is so ugly.

Cat Whisperer

Tonight I had to go assist my friend WLS as he catsat a big fat orange tabby named Kushka. Wyndham was impressed with my cat training skills. As some of you know, when MJ Cat first moved in with me, he was a very mean and naughty cat. Now, almost three years later, he is lying submissively beside me with all four paws up in the air. Here are some of my secret cat training tips:
1. If your cat looks like he is going to kill you, sternly yell "no" and get out of bottle of Bitter Apple and spray it in the air. Doing this once will scare the hell of your cat and from then on, just hold up the bottle when your cat looks ready to attack and he will run and hide. Cats hate the bitter apple bottle.
2. If your cat starts attacking your head at 4AM and wakes you up out of a deep sleep, get up and sternly say "No" and pick up your cat and put him in the kitchen for the rest of the night. (I put him with his food, water, and litterbox.) Shut the door and ban him from the bedroom for the rest of the night. I did this for two months and now MJ knows that sleeping in the bed with me is better than sleeping alone in the kitchen.
3. Sometimes MJ just gets nasty and wraps himself around my leg and arm while biting me. When this happens, I hiss at him and spit at him. This usually shows I am the dominant cat and he disentangles himself and hides in the other room.
4. Drug your cat. If MJ is bugging me, I always give him some catnip to chill him out.
5. When all else fails, grab the cat dancer to distract your cat. Cats love to dance.

Bag Snob

I recently discovered a new blog called Bag Snob. This site is entirely devoted to the discussion of upscale handbags and if you know me, this is a favorite topic. They even have a photo of my "Vagina" bag!

Shiloh Jolie-Pitt

Enjoy these photos of Shiloh Pitt-Jolie. She looks just like her mother.

The Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobiacast

On the sixth month of the sixth day of the sixth year we celebrate our Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia with a brand new
BEWARE OF THE BABYLON podcast.


Other highlights include:

• Patrick Dahlheimer of LIVE promotes the band's new album in our first ever exclusive interview.

• We make our emergency meeting plan for where to meet in case of a biblical apocalypse.

• I give podcast-safe dating updates.

• Breaking up is hard to do when Jennifer Aniston stars in the movie.


As always, this, and EVERY, BEWARE OF THE BABYLON podcast can be automatically downloaded to your computer and transferred to your iPod through iTunes.

Socialiate Summer Trends

Mrs. Thomas Wyman, Peggy Mejia, and Nancy Fowler all look very modern and fresh at this year's Botanical Ball!

MJ Cat has been out and about during the Spring Social season which culminates with the Conservatory Ball at the New York Botanical Garden. This event is described by some as the social event of the season. New York Social Diary goes as far to pronounce" For good reason the Ball is often cited as the 'best dressed and most elegant evening' of the season." If this is the case, let's all get on our orange glow tans, bleach blonde bouiffants and Alexis Carrington gowns and party like it's 1985!
This socialite incorporates the big black and white trend with soft makeup and untelling plastic surgery.

Tonight, MJ Cat also stopped in tonight at the CFDA Awards. Mistaking it for a prom, he realized he actually was snapping photos of Karl Lagerfeld posing with Lindsay Lohan who is starting to look like a weathered socialite herself! I also love the way Karl is rocking those fingerless motorcycle gloves!

Not Lost in Translation

Since I took my new job in financial services, I've been feeling very uptown and affluent. Prior to my new lifestyle, I used to feel very downwardly downtown mobile. Because of this, I've been to every upscale hair salon in the city so that I could feel fancy for a couple of hours each week. From Federic to Brad to Garren, I've dabbled with the best of the them. Now, that I can actually afford it, I decided to slum it, and head to Alphabet City for some experimental hair color. I met this very cute young Japanese hairdresser at my friend Collette's party and decided to throw caution to the wind and let him revamp my hair color. When I got to the salon, I realized immediately that I was in Harajuku territory and that nobody spoke very good English. Also, all the hair magazines were in Japanese and they had extensive offerings of perms and extensions. I couldn't quite translate the concepts of ash and my dislike of brassy blonde color into Japanese. I made the stylist actually get out the color sample book to explain what I liked, but I was still nervous because he just kept nodding no matter what I said. So, I sat there panicking for three hours as he foiled and painted and mixed. The only thing he said to me that I completely understood was "relax." As I waited, I found myself figuring out about how I was going to write about my upcoming "Harjuku Hair Crisis of 2006." Instead, for the first time in years, my hair is exactly as I like it. He did a fantastic job for 150% less than I have paid elsewhere. At the end of the appointment, we actually bowed at one another as I accepted his business cards in both hands (in true Japanese style) to give to my friends who I know are going to be very curious who did my fabulous new hair color.

Safe

Over the past week, I feel as if my life is becoming the movie Safe. Like Carol, the character played by Julianne Moore, I am experiencing severe lonliness combined with very bad allergies. For those of you who haven't seen this brilliant horror film, the plot revolves around a California housewife who suddenly falls victim to an inexplicable, apparently incurable illness. She suffers from coughing fits, hives, nose bleeds and bad headaches. She almost drops dead at the allergist as he tests her. She breaks out after a bad perm. She can't breathe at the dry cleaner. Failing to find any medical explanation for her maladies, her doctor refers her to a psychiatrist, who suggests that her physical ailments are psychosomatic. At her wits' end, Carol withdraws to an expensive New Age retreat for sufferers of "20th century disease," where the community's guru champions a dubious regimen of diet, climate control, introspection, and self-love. I am starting to hate my own allergist, because she cannot seem to cure me and I'm sick of staying up all night sneezing! Should this be my next step? THE DAMNED SHOTS ARE NOT WORKING AND I AM NOT GETTING RID OF MY CAT!

Tinsley: Only One Calorie of a Socialite

There are certain tabloid items that annoy me. I'm kind of sick of reading about how Brad and Angelina are in Africa or how Vince Vaughn won't talk about his personal life. But, the person I am most sick about seeing and reading about is Tinsley Mortimer. I don't really know much about Tinsley except that she was a publicist who married rich oil-heir Topper Mortimer and now she prances around society columns with horrible hair and bad fashion choices. Where did she go to college? Who is her best friend? How old is Topper? I need more information. I'm obsessed.

Smell the Roses?

I've noticed an odd smell in my apartment recently. At first, I thought I must have spilled something like an old bottle of perfume. Then, I thought perhaps Fresh Step changed the formula. And, then I realized it was actually my garbage bags. CVS is now scenting it's garbage bags with a bizarre fresh linen smell. I don't like flowerly smelling garbage bags which adds another bad odor to the trash.

Washed Up Wednesday

If you are feeling sort of washed up today like I am, look at this photo of Gerard Depardieu at Cannes and feel slightly better about yourself.

Hot Corn, Cold Corn

Here is a wrap-up of my Memorial Day weekend:

1. I conducted an entire romantic affair via text message. I think I am the only woman who can actually turn off a guy who lives out of town via SMS.
2. I discovered a new fantastic store called Pylones where I purchased a cat alarm clock that's alarm actually sounds like a meow. This disgusted my actual cat who slept through the alarm.
3. I finally watched "40 Year Old Virgin" and cried at the end.
4. I ate dinner at Little Italy with my good friend Kristen. Afterwards we went to a cheesey bar for Pina Coladas but they wouldn't let me in because I forgot my ID.
5. I ordered a bucket of KFC for my Memorial Day pier picnic. They gave me mashed potatoes instead of corn. They were cold by the time we were ready to eat.

Dylan Biopic!

Todd Haynes is going to direct a new biopic about Bob Dylan and Cate Blanchett will actually play Bob Dylan. Due to my love of Haynes, Blanchett and Dylan, this film is going to be a run don't walk event!

NEW YORK (AP) -- Oscar winner Cate Blanchett, who has portrayed Queen Elizabeth and Katharine Hepburn, will add another legend to her resume: Bob Dylan.

The 37-year-old Australian actress is one of seven actors to play Dylan at various stages of his career in the biopic, "I'm Not There," tentatively scheduled for release next year. She'll portray a specific aspect of Dylan's personality, embodied by an androgynous singer-songwriter character named Jude, according to Killer Films, the movie's production company.

Heath Ledger and his girlfriend and "Brokeback Mountain" co-star Michelle Williams have also joined the cast, along with Christian Bale, Julianne Moore and Richard Gere.

The movie will be directed by Todd Haynes, who helmed 2002 movie "Far from Heaven" and 1998's "Velvet Goldmine," about rock icon David Bowie.




Blanchett will next be seen in the upcoming dramas "Babel," opposite Brad Pitt, and "The Good German," alongside George Clooney.

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Congested

I'm home today. My sinuses feel as if they are going to explode. I hope I am better tomorrow for Memorial Day!

Is Clay Aiken emo?

I almost fell over when I saw Clay last night on Idol. What kind of look is this? Is it emo? Is he wearing a wig? He looks a lot like Daniel Franco from Project Runway.

Low Expectations

My horoscope warned me that I should have low expectations today. I always have great expectations and perhaps my summer goal should be to live a summer with no expectations. I wonder if this will be a liberating attitude. My no expectation project starts tomorrow.

Idol Finale

Nothing like seeing your old prom date peforming on Idol...

Confessions of a Fan!

It's not a big secret that I still love Madonna. I wish I could get tickets for her show here in June! Go ahead and crucify me!