Things I Hated 2006

It is that time of the year when I list all the things I hated in 2006.
1. Mark McGrath hosting Access Hollywood or Extra or whatever it is he hosts. He's a sell-out. 2. I hate when strangers stop me on the street to tell me that my purse is open. Why are they looking in the first place?
3. Cinea discs
4. When my friends diss me for their new bfs.
5. I hate when Max (my cat) purrs in my face at 4AM.
6. That "upset stomach diarreah" Pepto Bismal ad.
7. Breaking out. I can't believe I still get zits at 35.
8. Dieting. It still does and will always suck.
9. "Reorgs" at work and the undeserving people who end up promoted as a result because there is no where else to put them.
10. Cleaning the bathroom
11. Text messaging. I feel this is a cop out for a real conversation.
12. Mid-year reviews.
13. The weekly "rapid results" meeting at work which I am not ironically in charge of.
14. I hate when my pants get too tight.
15. Waiting in doctors' offices
16. Doing dirty dishes
17. I hate when washed up pop stars like Barry Manilow or Lionel Richie whore themselves out by doing live performances on ET.
18. Fake celebrites on myspace.com.
19. Guys who don't call when they say they will call you.
2o. Subway transfers
21. Tourists who stop in the middle of the sidewalk
22. Lip sunburns
23. Amtrak
24. Perez Hilton. I read the site relgiously, but I hate him.
25. mayo
26. ketchup
27. cheese
28. relish
29. Slow service at fast food restaurants
3o. I hate when Christina moderates BAFTA Q&As.
31. I hate when people stop on the street to "ask me a question" but all they really want to ask for his money.
32. Growing out my hair.
33. I hate being single when I'm sick.
34. People who push you on the subway.
35. Tickmaster surcharges
36. Itchy nipples
37. Going to weddings alone
38. I hate when people do not RSVP to my evite invites
39. Saurkraut
40. Deep dental cleanings
41. 9:00AM Monday morning meetings.
42. Flight delays
43. Pet abuse
44. Pushy and/or abusive coworkers
45. The size of my studio apartment
46. George Bush
47. I hate hearing about robberies at gunpoint on my block.
48. I hate leaving Max alone by himself when I go away.
49. I hate being told to shut-up.
50. Allergies and asthma

Good Night and Good Luck

Hussein Hanged!

I just found out that Sadaam was just hanged and I feel sort of weird about it in the same way that one might feel finding out an ex boyfriend married a person in a wheelchair or a good friend had an abortion or suddenly the makeup you've been wearing for years has been discontinued. Hanging seems just so final yet anticlimactic.

Songs of 2006

While my good friend Todd posted his favorite albums of the year, I have to list my favorite pop songs. Like Todd, I have some more screeners to watch, so my movie list will come in early 2007. I don't buy albums anymore since I have entered the age of iTunes and individual downloads. Here are my favorite (not necessarily the best) songs of 2006. These are the best songs to dance to, make out to and sing into your hairbrush. These are not in order.

1. Crazy (Gnarles Barkley)
2. Save Room (John Legend)
3. Steady as She Goes (Raconteurs)
4. Public Affair (Jessica Simpson)
5. Get Myself Into It (The Rapture)
6. Wagon Wheel (Old Crow Medicine Show)
7. You'll Think of Me (Keith Urban)
8. Smile (Lily Allen)
9. Put Your Record On (Corrine Baily Rae)
10. Lloyd, I'm Ready to Be Heartbroken (Camera Obscura)
11. What's Left of Me (Nick Lachey)
12. Deja Vu (Beyonce)
13. Hips Don't Lie (Shakira)
14. Not Ready to Make Nice (Dixie Chicks)
15. Crosses (Jose Gonzales)
16. Heartbeats (The Knife)
17. Woman in a Bar (Lloyd Cole)
18. Sexy Back (Justin Timberlake)
19. Be Without You (Mary J. Blige)
20. SOS (Rihanna)

Socialites' Greeting Cards Blind Item

Each you, NY Social Diary publishes a collage of socialite greeting cards. This year, I had a very special treat because I actually recognized one of the socialites as someone I had a brief affair with back in college. He appears to be single and has most of his hair. Can you guess who?

Happy Holidays!

This is from last week's SNL, but I can't get the song "Dick in a Box" out of mind.

Men of 2006

This is a list of the best (not all) of the men I dated in 2006. These are the men who inspired me, drove me crazy, consumed me and pissed me off and, yet, made my year memorable. Like last year, I did not find true love but at least I did not relive the insanity of 2004's drunks, skunks and spankers. I'm still optimistic and I think I'm making better choices so let's hope that perhaps that I will not be writing this annual list in the next couple of years.

The Brit (May 2005-January 2006)
I wrote about the Brit last year and his sweet painted postcards he sent me in the mail. On New Year's day of last year, the Brit disappeared. I finally received a note from him in February that he was depressed and he would contact me when he recovered. I heard from him finally some time in the Spring, but by then, he was crossed off the list.

Hojo Fantasy (?)
I can't say when the Hojo Fantasy began, but he is truly a fantasy. I sometimes think that he just likes me liking him and other times as he brushes up against my knee or makes a flirtatious remark, I wonder if perhaps the desire is returned or he just enjoys playing me the fool. I don't know why I allow Hojo's fickle attention to distract me from eligible and realistic suitors, but I do. Whenever there is a break in my dating, it is because I am focused on him.

Fawlty Towers (April-June)
I didn't date anyone for a couple of months after the Brit trauma, but I made the awful mistake of dating another Brit hotelier who lived in my neighborhood half the time or as he used to say "in the trees" for the other half. I can't say anything about bad him except that after a couple of months, I received an email from him about how "nice" I am and then I never heard from him again. Actually, he was kind of boring.

Mr. Wrong (August-October)
Mr. Wrong was my West Coast man for a couple of months. All I can say is, when I visited him in October he was rude to me and abandoned me at a party in the Hollywood Hills. I hate LA.

Guess Who's Not Coming to Dinner (August-October)
The fun loving Vespa-driving Scotsman provided some real fun. Unfortunately, he informed me after a handful of dates that he didn't eat dinner. He doesn't eat after 2PM. I don't know if this was an excuse to not take me out to dinner, but in any case, I need to see a man who eats dinner.

No Moore (September)
He's hardly worth writing about except for the fact that I had the best date of the year with this guy but never saw him again. There were a couple of follow-up text messages, but that was it. I wonder what happened to him.

The Boss (November-present)
I am definitely one of the Boss' many women. The Boss is 50 and doesn't really seem to work so he has a lot of time to pick of girls and boss them around. He's actually the only man who has ever captured my attention by making a joke about my "embouchure" and also who made the moves on me in a cafe ladies room. My friend thinks the boss is good for me and that because I like working at the bank, being bossed around is not such a bad thing for me. She thinks that perhaps I need more bossing in my personal life and should keep him in rotation. Despite my better judgment, I like him and hope we at least remain friends. Oh, and he looks like Michael J. Fox.

Spicoli (December-present)
I just met Spicoli last weekend and he's already been over for dinner. Spicoli is the opposite of the boss. He's very "chill." He leaned over the bar and said, "You're cute" and then he kissed me. We ended up making out at the Dark Room for the rest of the night to the soundtrack of the Smiths and New Order. Spicoli kind of reminds me of my high school man Chip. Spicoli also has very nice dark hair and a tight bod. He, however, called me last night at 1:30AM to chat.

The Architect (January 2003-present)
I ran into the Architect over the summer on the street and he continues to solicit me despite his new baby and wife. I'm starting to think he knows he should have been sweeter in 2003. In July, he actually showed up at my apartment late at night, but when I let him in he freaked out and had a panic attack and ran home. He has since apologized but I haven't seen him again.

Hot Times in the City

I'm on vacation in my hometown New York City! As you can see from this photo taken of me and my good friend Annitah, I'm having a blast. Now, I have to start the 2007 diet. I stole this photo from Anittah b/c her camera is better than mine.

Happy Hannukah From MJ Cat

While all my heathen dog uncles are out terrorizing department store Santas, I'm staying home, drinking a good bottle of Sofia Coppola sparkling wine and quietly licking the Hannukah bush.

Don't Pee on Claus

This is a photo of my dog brother Hank taken with Santa this morning at Super Petz. Now that her daughters are all grown up and she doesn't have any grandchildren, this is how my mother gets into the spirit. The funny part of this photo is that right before it was taken, Hank peed on Santa!

The Company Party

So, tomorrow night is the annual company Xmas party. And the truth is, although I love parties, I dread the annual holiday party. I always get cornered by someone I don't want to talk to and I am never comfortable drinking at these mass events and I hate standing in line for food. I don't mean to sound ungrateful and think it is very nice companies go all out for their employees, but for some reason, I just can't get into it anymore. Perhaps I'm spoiled. Lorne Michaels and Broadway Video used to host the best holiday party ever. I remember one year winding up with my head up Janeane Garofalo's shirt to smell her new chocolate scented cologne. This was when she was somewhat famous. After that party, I felt much closer to my coworkers and we all had a blast. Now, it's a different story. Last year one of the bankers got sloppy drunk and called one of our coworkers a slut, and she burst out crying and stormed out. I witnessed the entire incident. I didn't like the offender anymore and was forced to face him at work the next day. Thank god, he quit later in the year. So, I'm going to go, eat my free food and keep my mouth shut until next year in the blog.

New Year's Eve Blues

As cheesy as it sounds, New Year's Eve is my favorite night of the year. And, this year I don't have any plans or invitations. All my friends are coupled up so this year, it looks like I'll be on my own for a quiet night alone with MJ Cat. If you need a date to anywhere fun or want to escort me out on the town, please send me a note. I'll even buy dinner. I'm looking for a good time, baby.

My Embouchure

OK, so I've been lazy about blogging, but between my dates and my sax playing, I haven't had much time to write. In any case, I finally can play "Easy" by the Commodores by heart.

Dreamgirls: Too Hot in the Hot Tub

Tonight, I got a sneak peak at the new movie Dreamgirls starring Beyonce, Jennifer Hudson from Idol, Eddie Murphy and Jamie Fox. The movie is highly entertaining and Jennifer Hudson's rendition of "And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going" is so powerful that when I get my DVD, I will need to watch this scene immediately at least 20 times in a row. But, the real highlight of the movie for me was Eddie Murphy who recreates his SNL performance of the James Brown Celebrity Hot Tub party. And, this is not a bad thing as that skit is one of the funniest in the history of SNL. If you want a real preview of the fabulousness of Dreamgirls, watch the clip below.

Man Fakes Retardation

So, I just read a news story on AOL where a man has been faking mental retardation for the past 20 years so that his mother and he could receive government benefits. And while this is a serious story about abusing the system, I can't help but think of Rosie faking retardation in Riding the Bus with my Sister. I know it's not PC to make fun of mental retardation, but it seems of all the ailments to fake, that would be the last one I would pick.

For nearly 20 years - ever since Pete Costello was 8 - his mother has collected disability benefits on his behalf. In meetings with Social Security officials and psychologists, he appeared mentally retarded and unable to communicate. His mother insisted he couldn't read or write, shower, take care of himself or drive a car.

But now prosecutors say it was all a huge fraud, and they have video of Costello contesting a traffic ticket to prove it.

"He's like any other person trying to get out of a traffic ticket," Assistant U.S. Attorney Norman Barbosa said Tuesday.

Pete and Rosie Marie Costello were indicted in September on charges of conspiracy to defraud the government and Social Security fraud, and the case was unsealed Tuesday. The Vancouver pair pleaded not guilty in federal court in Tacoma on Tuesday after the case was unsealed. The traffic ticket was deferred.

Next, Please

People often ask me about what "my type of guy is" and frankly, I'm not so sure anymore of who I should be dating. I know that it's not the two Williamsburg "hipster" dudes photographed for Curb in the photo above. I know that my current attraction to a 50 yr. old semi-retiree playboy is truly flirting with disaster. And, I'm through with twenty-something snacks. My question is then, where are the available men my own age? Please let me know or feel free to fix me up with any suitable sane bachelors.

Nightmare on Harlan Street

Ever since I can remember, I've had a terrifying recurring nightmare where I fall into a huge top hat and am attacked by a live playing card. While this sounds crazy and defies most modern psychoanalytic interpretation (believe me, I've tried), I came across a video on YouTube that mirrored this awful nightmare which haunts me to this day. The dream that I have had since the age of 3 is actually the opening segment to the old TV Show Lidsville. In the dream, I replace Butch Patrick and fall into the hat where I encounter scary other hats, dragons, and witches. Lidsville was a Sid and Marty Krofft program I watched at a very young age without parental supervision. I don't think my parents realized how terrifying this program was to a toddler. Now, perhaps that I know it's source, that after 30 years, the dream will leave my subconcious. Yet, if you watch this again, you will see that this is still some very very scary shit and now I can't sleep.

The Santaland Diary Podcast

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas on this very special episode of Beware of the Babylon for all our friends and family...

* Todd and Rachel create their own Santaland Diaries moments.

* Discover which cookies Macy*s claims as Santa's "favorite."

* Find out which winter holiday is totally made up.

* Plus, which celebrity will flash their naked shaven vagina before the holidays.

IF YOU DON'T HAVE AN IPOD, AND YOU'RE LAZY, PLAY IT HERE NOW


As always, this, and EVERY, BEWARE OF THE BABYLON podcast can be automatically downloaded to your computer and transferred to your iPod through iTunes.

Vagina is the New Black

A trend I've been following over the past year is the fashion trend of young celebs flashing their naked shaven beavers. Paris Hilton and Lindsay "Firecrotch" Lohan were the first to start this trend earlier this year. Now, desperate Britney Spears is following at the tail end of the hoo-ha flash craze. Frankly, once Britney adopts the trend, that trend has jumped the shark and will soon be available at Claire's boutique and the San Gennaro street fair. This morning, I flashed my own crotch while going down the steps to the V train at the West 4th Street subway station. A subway tunnel wind caught hold of my skirt raising it far above my waist. I, however, have taken the trend to the next level. I displayed to the entire rush hour scene a full bush hidden by granny panties.

Free Advice

In the spirit of the holiday season, I'm doling out some free advice today. This is the kind of advice you can't tell anyone to their face so I'm writing it down in the blog.

1. Eat something. Frankly, I used to be concerned about friends and celebrities with eating disorders. Now, I just find anorexia to be boring. I prefer bulimics, because at least they will go out for dinner. Watch the documentary Thin, look at Nicole Richie's zombie hands or check or Kate Bosworth's 20-something wrinkles and you will see how tiresome eating disorders have become. Help exists. Get some.

2. If your insurance will cover some kind of plastic or cosmetic surgery, you should probably get it. For example, if you are overweight and need stomach stapling and it will be paid for by your insurance, go for it. Or if your boobs are too big and your insurance will cover it, get the reduction. You can get a full set of veneers FOR FREE? Get in the chair. Insurance companies are cheap so if they are willing to cover you on something like this, chances are that you really need it.

3. If more than one person has suggested you need to see a shrink, make an appointment. You might not be crazy, but perhaps your friends are sick of hearing your problems and it is time to turn to a professional for help.

4. If you are a member of an organization, don't say you hate being a member of that organization to other members who enjoy it. For example, if you are a member of BAFTA and you hate the Q&As and are upset about the fees, don't rain on the parade of your friend who is also a member and enjoys the privileges.

5. Don't diss your friends for a man/woman. Listen, we're happy you have a new boyfriend or girlfriend, but remember to make "friend time" or who is going to be around to console you when things don't work out or to be very happy for you if they actually do?

6. Don't ask your other woman or ex-girlfriend to go ring shopping with you. If you have a flirtation with a woman, even the mere suggestion of asking her to help you pick out an engagement ring for your other woman will really hurt her feelings and piss her off.

Rest In Peace Robert Altman

"There are no good and bad movies, only good and bad directors."-Francois Truffaut



Robert Altman, the great American auteur, died today at the age of 81.

If you've never seen a Robert Altman movie, queue these up on your Netflix. These are my personal favorites:

1. Nashville: Nashville is not only my favorite Altman film, but one of my overall favorite movies. To see a great American movie about America by a great American director, rent Nashville immediately! Plus, "I'm Easy" is such a fabulous song and you will melt when Keith Carradine sings it to Lily Tomlin.

2. McCabe and Mrs. Miller: Leonard Cohen soundtrack, Julie Christie and 1970's Warren Beatty. Are you convinced?

3. The Player: This is one of the greatest "Hollywood on Hollywood" films ever. The jokes still hold true.

4. Short Cuts: Read the Raymond Carver stories and then rent the DVD. I was amazed how Altman actually brought the stories to life with emotion and complexity.

5. Gosford Park: Altman channels Jean Renoir.

I just watched A prairie Home Companion a couple of weeks ago and while it was not one of my favorite Altman films (but a very good one,) I realized today that this is a film about death and it was appropriate to be Altman's bittersweet last movie.

Kramer Apologizes

I am watching David Letterman and Jerry Seinfeld asked Michael Richards to apologize for his racist tirade at LA's Laugh Factory earlier this week. Frankly, this apology is one of the most uncomfortable television segments I've ever seen. Now, Kramer looks like he's going to cry and the audience is laughing out of discomfort. I don't know what to say and can't wait for this show up on youtube.com.

Best Wishes TomKat!

Let this photo be a reminder that anything in life can be possible. That is all I can say about the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes wedding.

The Lloyd Cole Cast

Don't get weird on us babe, it's the Lloyd Colecast...

• Rachel prepares to have her heart broken by Lloyd.

• Todd ponders inflation over bagels.

• Lloyd wonders who the hell we even are.

As always, this, and EVERY, BEWARE OF THE BABYLON podcast can be automatically downloaded to your computer and transferred to your iPod through iTunes.

DogCat not TomKat: Cat Gives Birth to Puppies

Today, there was a report that a cat in Brazil actually gave birth to dogs or cats that look like dogs or half breed dog/cats and claims that her cat was humped by a neighbor dog three months ago and these are the offspring. I don't know if this is genetically possible but I would love to have one of these little guys. I'd love a dogcat that is more playful and responsive but that also uses a litterbox, purrs and doesn't need to be walked.

TomKat Wedding Update: Vows

Today the NY Times reported some of the mystery surrounding a Scientology wedding. It turns out that a Scientologist groom must vow to provide a woman with "clothes and food and frills and perhaps a cat." I always have been suspicious of both marriage and of Scientology, but perhaps I just need to marry a Scientologist. You don't even have to convert and they VOW to accept your pussy.

Bobby: The Worst Film of 2006

I've seen some excellent movies in the past week including Stranger Than Fiction, For Your Consideration and Volver. Tonight, however, I saw the worst which is the overblown and overhyped movie Bobby which takes place in the Ambassador Hotel the day and night Bobby Kennedy was shot. There are so many celebrity guest stars in the cast that I felt that I was having a flashback and watching a lost episode of the classic 80's Aaron Spelling TV series Hotel. There are so many interwoven half-assed plots, that you actually forget what the film is supposed to be about until the manipulative hit-you-in-the-head conclusion which uses a Bobby Kennedy speech over actual moving of the footage of the time period. I could have skipped the bad scripted fictional narrative and watched what could have been a more interesting and poignant documentary. As I sat in the theater, I kept recalling when I first saw the film Selena and couldn't wait for Selena to be shot because then I'd know the film was almost over. I felt the same way during Bobby.

Now for the acting. Demi Moore's performance is so ridiculous that I laughed out loud during her big climax where she sings Louie Louie. Then, Dawson's Creek Joshua Jackson seems to be doing some kind of weird Clooney impersonation. And, poor Christian Slater who deserves a comeback has such a poorly written role that he doesn't have a chance in this film. The kitchen scenes with Freddy Rodriguez, some other Latino actor and Laurence Fishburne are so preachy and poorly written that it was difficult to watch. Svetlana Metkina plays some Czech reporter that seems to be channeling Geraldine Chaplin's character in Robert Altman's Nashville, which is a brilliant movie that uses interwearing plots and a large cast of actors and makes many of the same politcal statements. And, I still can't figure out who the hell Harry Belafonte was supposed to be. And, can't Helen Hunt find other work anymore? Did Martin Sheen pull some strings to get her a role so she could get paid? What's the deal with Ashton kissing the asses of all Demi's exes? Why else would he embarrass himself in his role as a drug dealer? And, you will remember how much you loved St. Elmo's Fire when you seen Demi and Emilio acting together and how old they look and how old you have become and how sad it is that Emilio is now making such a bad movie. I just don't know how to explain the great Anthony Hopkins' role as actor and executive producer. At least I know why Martin Sheen HAD to appear. There is something to said about the quality of a film when the best performances come from Sharon Stone and Lindsay Lohan.

The best part of the film had nothing to do with it at all. Ralph Macchio aka The Karate Kid entered the screening behind me and I was thankful he kept his reputation in tact by being one 80's actor to not appear in Bobby. Stay gold, Ralph.

Stranger than Podcast!

Rachel and Todd completely forgo the political wrap up and instead talk about the important stuff...
Including...

• Our new book club where we talk about books we haven't read.

• A revealing talk about Kirstie Alley's swimsuit reveal.

• Academy screening madness.

• How the snatch is back.


As always, this, and EVERY, BEWARE OF THE BABYLON podcast can be automatically downloaded to your computer and transferred to your iPod through iTunes.

BAFTA and babies

While I've been tied up with BAFTA events (History Boys, For Your Consideration, Volver, etc.), all of my close girlfriends have been popping out babies this week. I'm terrible at remembering to buy gifts so my first gift to these new little babies is to type in their names on this blog so that they can be "Googled." I will be the first person to increase their searchability making them actually more important in the world because you're nobody unless you show up on a Google search. Congratulations to Adrienne and Aaron with the birth of daughter Beatrice Marais Davenport and to Stephanie and Eric on the birth Jaden Berkson. I don't know Jaden's full name yet because I haven't spoken to Stephanie since I've been at BAFTA.

Kirstie Alley Bikini Reveal Part 2

Thank God for YouTube. I asked my mother what she thought about the Kirstie Alley bikini reveal and she said that "it's all just one big publicity stunt." But isn't that everything on Oprah? Also, I think Oprah looks thinner than Kirtie but she isn't showing us her 50+ bod in a two piece.

Kirstie Ally Bikini Reveal

For those of you who missed it, Kirstie Ally revealed her new body in a bikini on Oprah. While I would normally make fun of crazy Kirstie Ally, I have to give her props. She lost a lot of weight and as someone who has lost weight and is 20 years younger than Kirstie, I would be scared to death to go on national TV in a tankini yet alone a bikini! I will, however, make fun of the fact that she had a big Scientologist bikini shopping spree with best friend Leah Remini. I wonder if she had to be silent in the Nordstrom dressing room as she tried on suits?

Adrienne Shelly Murdered!

Last Wednesday, it was reported that actress Adrienne Shelly committed suicide in her Greenwich Village apartment. Adrienne was one of my favorite early 90's actresses who appeared in the early Hal Hartley movies. I felt sad that perhaps that since she has been somewhat forgotten, she took her own life. That, however, was not the case. I just got word from one of my cop friends in the precinct that she was actually murdered and someone is being arrested as we speak!

Happy Belated Bra Day!

It's a day late, but to all my big-busted gal pals, Happy Bra Day! Tomorrow I'm wearing my new sexy lace Elle MacPherson bra. These bras run small so I had to buy up a cup size. For all of your big busted gals out there, here are my other favorite brands of bras over a C+ cup size:
1. Chantelle-While pricey, these are the best day-to-day bras.
2. Donna Karan-I dont' mean DKNY because they don't fit like the Donna Karan models for some reason.
3. Simone Perele-I like the sheer model that is going out of production.
4. Gemma-I like the soft cup underwire that Oprah also likes.
5. Fantasie-Fantasie makes the best strapless bra for those above a C-cup!

Who Would You Rather Wednesday

So, after it took me 2.5 hours to get into my apartment in the midst of the Halloween parade, I chilled out to the televised version although it was really outside my window. For best costume, I vote some dude dressed up as his own myspace page. He made a lifesize copy of his page, and put his head in the hole where his photo would be. But, my favorite moment was George Whipple interviewing Gene Simmons from Kiss. I think Kiss were the grand marshalls of the parade. So, George asked Gene to show his famous tongue and Gene Simmons said, "This tongue can whip women up into a froth." George Whipple did not know what to say and said, "Well, I have my eyebrows." I think I'll take the tongue if I have to choose.

Happy Halloween!

Cat Scratch Fever

On Friday after writing his blog, Max came to sit on my lap and as I went to pick him up, his claw accidentally got caught in the inner corner of my mouth creating a long deep gash. This caused quite a bit of bleeding and I wasn't sure what even happened, but my appearance was scarier than any Halloween costume you could dream of. So, after the bleeding stopped, I went to work and saw the male work nurse who is the stereotype of a male nurse who you would expect to be working at a large company. He told me that as a result of the scratch I could actually get cat scratch fever which is kind of like the mumps and that my thyroid would have to be drained. Here are some of the symptons:

Cat scratch fever presents with tender regional lymphadenopathy, sterile suppurative papules at the site of inoculation, slight fever, headache, chills, backache, anorexia, abdominal pain, malaise. Alteration of mental status and convulsions. It may take 7 to 14 days, or as long as two months, before symptoms appear. Most cases are benign and self-limiting, but lymphadenopathy may persist for several months after other symptoms disappear. The prognosis is generally favourable. In temperate climate most cases occur in fall and winter. The disease usually resolves spontaneously, with or without treatment, in one month

.
He said I could get this in three-five days so I'm still sitting here waiting for the onset of this disease. If I do get cat scratch fever, I do hope the anorexia is part of it, because my diet really needs a jump start.

Catblog Friday by MJ Cat

Picture 513
Originally uploaded by redrachel.

It's been a long time since I last blogged, but as you can see I've been busy dieting, listening to music and trying to curb my addiction to Biljac cat treats. As you know, Halloween is my favorite holiday and this year, I'll be dressing up as a cat.

I Want Mulvey: A Review of Marie Antoinette

Last night, I finally saw Marie Antoinette and I have to confess, it was fabulous. I'm a sucker for Sofia. We are the exact same age, our fathers look alike, we both like fashion and we have the exact same taste in music. Yet, Marie Antoinette really wasn't about Marie Antoinette at all. Todd thinks it is a movie about being in college. If this is a true, on a broader scale, MA can be interpreted as a film about the sadness about the loss of youth and innocence and being held responsible for one's actions. Others argue that MA is an autobiographical tale about Sofia Coppola and the her role in the royal dynasty of the Coppola family. The critics are always critical of Sofia and ready to chop off her head in viscous film reviews.

Today, I realized that Marie Antoinette is actually a Hollywood lesson in basic psychoanalytic feminist film theory.

I suspect Sofia has been reading some Laura Mulvey. So, to understand Marie Antoinette, here is basic Laura Mulvey 101. And for the record, Mulvey was my first favorite film theorist.

For those of you not up on your Mulvey, Mulvey deconstructed the male gaze in mass media in her seminal article entitled Visual Pleasures and Narrative Cinema. Basically, Mulvey says that film is is an instrument of the male gaze, producing representations of women, the good life and sexual fantasy from a male point of view. So, what happens when a woman takes over the role of filmmaker construcing a narrative soley for a feminine audience? The answer to this question is Marie Antoinette. (For those of you without Cinema Studies degrees, Laura Mulvey is a common name to drop.) So, here's some Mulvey 101.

Armed with Freudian psychoanalytic film theory with a Lacanian bent, Mulvey's studies of spectatorship focus on how subject positions are constructed by media texts rather than investigating the viewing practices of individuals in specific social contexts. Mulvey notes that Freud had referred to (infantile) scopophilia - the pleasure involved in looking at other people's bodies as (particularly, erotic) objects. In the darkness of the cinema auditorium it is notable that one may look without being seen either by those on screen by other members of the audience. Mulvey argues that various features of cinema viewing conditions facilitate for the viewer both the voyeuristic process of objectification of an ideal ego; seen on the screen. She declares that in patriarchal society, pleasure in looking has been split between active/male and passive/female; This is reflected in the dominant forms of cinema. Conventional narrative films in theHollywood tradition not only typically focus on a male protagonist in the narrative but also assume a male spectator. As the spectator identifies with the main male protagonist, he projects his look onto that of his like, his screen surrogate, so that the power of the male protagonist as he controls events coincides with the active power of the erotic look, both giving a satisfying sense of omnipotence. Traditional films present men as active, controlling subjects and treat women as passive objects of desire for men in both the story and in the audience, and do not allow women to be desiring sexual subjects in their own right. Such films objectify women in relation to the controlling male gaze presenting woman as image(or spectacle) and man as bearer of the look. Men do the looking; women are there to be looked at. The cinematic codes of popular films ;are obsessively subordinated to the neurotic needs of the male ego. It was Mulvey who coined the term 'the male gaze'.

Mulvey distinguishes between two modes of looking for the film spectator: voyeuristic and fetishistic, which she presents in Freudian terms as responses to male castration anxiety. Voyeuristic looking involves a controlling gaze and Mulvey argues that this has has associations with sadism: pleasure lies in ascertaining guilt - asserting control and subjecting the guilty person through punishment or forgiveness; Fetishistic looking, in contrast, involves the substitution of a fetish object or turning the represented figure itself into a fetish so that it becomes reassuring rather than dangerous. This builds up the physical beauty of the object, transforming it into something satisfying in itself. The erotic instinct is focused on the look alone. Fetishistic looking, she suggests, leads to overvaluation of the female image and to the cult of the female movie star embodied in the character of Marie Antoinette. Mulvey argues that the film spectator oscillates between these two forms of looking.

See, the Mulvey theory is obvious! In the I Want Candy scene, Sofia visually summarizes Laura Mulvey better than any film professor can!

Now, I need to go download the fabulous soundtrack.

Tyra Goes Nuts

This is one of the best things I've ever seen on television. I won't prep you, but prepared to be more disturbed than you've been in a very long time.

Power Babies

In twenty years after we are through gossiping about the Olson Twins, Britney Spears, the Hiltons, Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan, our culture will be obsessed with one of the most interesting and powerful celebrity couples of all time. Yes, I'm talking about Madonna Baby David and Jolie Baby Zahara. They will complain about their natural born siblings, the price of having celebrity parents, their African roots and searching for their birth families. I can't wait for the day they meet and establish a life-long friendship and spend their family fortunes!

Liza Minelli and David Gest unaired Pilot

While this does not compare with Liza's performance on the Actor's Studio last year, this section of the unaired reality show pilot starring David Gest and Liza Minnelli must be seen!

I Pity the Fool!

For those of you with better things to do than watch the fabulous new show I Pity the Fool on TV Land, here is a quick clip where Mr. T motivates some used car salesmen. I wish he were here to motivate me to do my year-end self evaluation.

Boob Monday

I love Patricia Arquette. I love plaid gowns aka (Jeffrey's couture piece from Project Runway this year.)I love a Scottish accent. I love when robust women flaunt their boobs. I, however, don't love this look. Hike it up, Patty!

Mouse Orgy: It's Hot Backstage at Disney!

There is nothing I can really say to convey the hilarity of the mouse orgy that took backstage at Paris Disney. To watch the video, click here.

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - The Walt Disney Co. on Thursday said it took "appropriate action" against employees at its Paris theme park who were caught simulating sex while dressed as Disney characters in a digital video that has received wide attention on the Internet.

Disney would not say whether it had dismissed any of the costumed employees featured in the grainy video, which appears to have been shot with a hidden camera at a backstage dressing room at Disneyland Resort Paris.

"The behavior shown on the video is unacceptable and inexcusable," Disney said in a statement.

"The video was taken in the backstage area not accessible to guests. Appropriate action has been taken to deal with the cast members involved."

The video shows Minnie Mouse struggling to free herself as she is grabbed from behind by Goofy and then a giant snowman.

Later, Mickey Mouse simulates sex with the snowman and Goofy does the same with either Chip or Dale, the chipmunks, as laughter is heard on the tape.

The tape is described on the Internet as the "Mouse Orgy."

The Day the Music Died

Today, I learned that Tower Records is going out of business. While many businesses come and go, the closing of Tower makes me feel very nostalgic in a way I did not feel when the Wiz shut its doors. Since I moved to New York City, I have spent many a dollar and hours at Tower Records all over the city. I actually like to go on dates there and scour the aisles. During the summer of 1994 when I didn't have A/C, I used to go to the Upper East Side Tower to cool off and listen to new music. I once spent 5 hours outside the downtown Tower in the snow(pictured) to meet Kate Bush. Todd and I can't walk by a Tower without stopping by to check the sales. (We hve a special bond with the Trump Tower Tower for some odd reason.) I remember the days I used to pay my cable bill there. I remember the first time I saw my friends in Live's album cover displayed in the NYC window and knew they made it since Tower said so. And, how I loved the former outlet! When I first moved to the city, Tower represented to me all the variety and diversity the city had to offer. I always preferred hanging out at Tower over the large impersonal Virgin Megastore. Yet, I, too, fell in love with my iPod and my small apartment is out of room for more CDs. Plus, I can't pay $19.99 for something I can get for much less off the net. So, I am partly responsible for killing an institution that I admired, loved and psychologically needed. Goodbye, Tower Records! I'll miss you!

NYC in Babylon

This is a short film I made about my recent trip. It's kind of sad because I'm kind of depressed today. I unfortunately, don't have anything "in development" right now.

Back From Hell

For those of you who thought I might be exaggerating about the crazy time in LA, check out this photo I didn't realize that I took at the scary party.

It Ain't Me, Babe

I'm still in Los Angeles recovering from a party last night in the Hollywood Hills that seemed to be directed by David Lynch to the soundtrack of Bob Dylan's song "It Ain't Me Babe." While I have been having a great time on the West Coast, last night's party has left me feeling emotionally confused, uptight and a self-righteous genius. In theory, the party scene should have been exhilarating. The house was located next to the famous Hollywood sign and had a remarkable view. The host was some British set designer and the crowd was a mixed bag of wannabes, artsy types, drug addicts and poorly dressed women. I had a least 10 people tell me that they had a deal "in development" or that they "directed" a short film that I never heard of. I also had a lot of people offer me drugs that I never heard of and ask me for my card when I said that I lived in New York. Some dude told me that he actually wrote the movie "Crash" but that he didn't get credit for it but that he considers the Oscar all his. One fucked up guy wearing a pin-stripe suit with no shirt came up to me and asked me my name. I told him and then politely asked his name. He responded, "Toilet" and I didn't know what to say, so I just went all Robert Blake on him and responded, "I'm in your house." Some old woman over the age of 65 told me that you should never start taking drugs until you are after the age of 60. Then she hugged me. I don't like being touched my strangers. Part of the theme of the party surrounded a "drum circle" where drugged out people banged on bongos around a fire pit until 4AM. Perhaps I'm a sophisticated New Yorker, but let me tell you, drum circles suck and are the most pretentious stupid party gimmick ever. The worst part is that I was there with a date who completely abandoned me upon arriving leaving me cold and bored and left to my own devices. I did, however, learn that if I lived here, I would have no trouble picking up men as the boys out west are very easy but I'm classy so I asked my date to take me home, and he refused saying that he was having fun and that he wanted to stay. I responded that I was cold and bored and tired and didn't appreciate being tortured. He finally looked me in the eye very seriously and said, "You just don't get it." And today, I'm quite relieved that I don't get "it" and frankly, I never will.

Rescue Me!

I'm being held hostage at a party in the Hollywood Hills. I'm clicking my ruby red shoes together. There's no place like home. There's no place like home. I miss my back yard.

Off to Hollywoodland

I'm off to LA for the weekend to spend some time at the Coffee Bean and Fred Segal. I'll be back next week. Happy Columbus Day!

TomKat Update

It's been awhile since I commented on my least favorite Hollywood couple Tom Cruise and Katie Holms, but this photo raises so many questions.

1. What is that weird tummy bump on Katie? Are those jeans too tight and is that muffin top? Or is she pregnant again?
2. What's the deal with Tom's manboobs?
3. How tall is Katie and how short is Tom?
4. Are Tom's kids upset that his dad brings his baby mamma to their soccer games and steal the spotlight?

The Perfect Date

This is the text message that I sent to my good friend Anittah from the bar bathroom during my date Friday night. I can't say what made the date so perfect except that there was chemistry and he wasn't crazy or weird and he had a job and he was smart and funny and sexy and he paid the check and he drove me home and he held my hand and when we crossed the street. He emailed the next morning and now I'm waiting with baited breath for him to call and ask me out again. Please pray to the date Gods that he calls me because I haven't been this excited about a date in a very very very very long time!

Little Podcasters

The most perverse episde of BEWARE OF THE BABYLON awaits all you little children this week...

In this revealing episode...

• Celebrity look-a-like madness, with some real celebs!

• Rachel chastises Todd for not watching enough television.

• How criminal and drug addicted celebrity children are more moral than porn stars.

• The signs of a really good dating, and screening season.

As always, this, and EVERY, BEWARE OF THE BABYLON podcast can be automatically downloaded to your computer and transferred to your iPod through iTunes.

The Devil Wears Burberry

Tonight, I saw a fantastic movie called The Queen. Helen Mirren stars as the actual Queen of England reacting to the death of Princess Diana in 1997. For those of you who forgot recent history, the Queen did not react or comment on Diana's death until she got blasted in the press and pressured by Tony Blair. While this plotline is the backdrop for the film, the film's tone is really not much different than the Devil Wears Prada. The Queen is not much different than Miranda Priestly. Both films contemplate the sacrifices powerful women must make to stay on top. But unlike Devil, The Queen has Mommy Dearest potential. Hags and fags everywhere will be acting out scenes at midnight screenings and I think this film is coming out right in time for The Queen to be the most popular Halloween costume of 2006.

I can't wait for the Mirren/Streep Oscar battle! This film is a total "run don't walk." Now, roll over, Cabbage!

Too Thin

Forget Kate Bosworth and Nicole Richie. Has anyone seen the new scary pin-thin figure of socialite Somers Farkas? Gasp! Sometimes you can be too rich and too thin.

Time Goes By So 'Lowly

This hilarious video was pointed out to by my good friends James and WSL. Receiving this kind of information is why is why it is important to have gay friends.

Happy New Year!

This is how we celebrate Rosh Hoshanah in the Big Apple. We make it very very sweet.

What's Left Of Me: Final Results

For my loyal readers, you will remember that on 7/31 I posted the "Nick Lachey What's Left of Me Challenge." Tonight, much to my own surprise, I won my own contest. I brought a very cute Scotsman back to my house, served him a Becks, put on the song and the rest is now as concrete as Nick's divorce from Jessica. And to make it even sweeter, when the Scotsman came to, he quoted, "What the hell was that music? It's not really my scene." I feel like Vanessa Minillo.

Ventriloquist Week!

In one of the most exciting developments on late-night TV in years, David Letterman is hosting ventriloquist week. Tonight the great Willie Tyler and Lester are kicking things off! All my talk about Wayland Flowers Madame is hitting mass consciousness. Below, is this week's entire ventriloquist schedule"

Monday, September 18
Dr. Phil
Ventriloquist, Willie Tyler & Lester
Survivor Castaway, Sekou Bunch


Tuesday, September 19
Patrick Dempsey (Grey's Anatomy)
Ventriloquist, Jay Johnson & Darwin
Kasabian (CD, "Empire")


Wednesday, September 20
Marg Helgenberger (CSI)
Ventriloquist, Ronn Lucas & Scorch
Diana Krall (CD, "From This Moment On")


Thursday, September 21
Ted Turner
Ventriloquist, Jeff Dunham & Walter
Fergie (CD, "The Dutchess")


Friday, September 22
NBA star, Lebron James
Ventriloquist, Todd Oliver & Irving
Ludacris (CD, "Disturbing Tha Peace")

A Good Timin' Man

Willie Nelson was arrested today for having over a pound of marijuana and mushrooms on his bus. I don't have any comments, except to say that Willie is still one of my favorite performers and songwriters. Stay young, Willie!

Spinach

Now, not only is bagged spinach bagged, but I can't eat ANY spinach. This recall is totally effecting me because spinach salad is a huge part of my overall diet. Spinach is the only green that fills me up and my favorite salad green I love the baby spinach bagged salad mix. This is pure terror.

Madame: The Look of Fashion Week

What celebrity/socialite wife has jumped on the Madame bandwagon and is transforming herself into the most fabulous puppet of all-time? I dare Entertainment Weekly to steal this joke.

BAFTA season has begun

I have to apologize in advance, but my blogging might be spotty over the next couple of months. As a member of the academy, I will be attending nightly screening with my business partner Todd. I will continue to report on the films and celebs we encounter. Tomorrow night, I'm seeing All the King's Men with a Q&A with producer James Carville.

Bad Hair Day

Believe it or not, this is actress and former soft-porn star Carmen Electra at the Imitation of Christ Fashion Show. I never quite got the allure of Carmen. I don't think she's that pretty or talented or interesting. She just screams "Skinamax" to me. This shows that C-listers just can't go high-fashion.

Scars are Blind: Beware of the Babylon Podcast!

This week on BEWARE OF THE BABYLON we are reviewing our scars and explaining their orgins.

Also find out...

• The truth about Suri's fringe on top.

• Why Rachel's mother is so afraid of Madame.

• The hottest new haircut, the hottest new fashions.

• How In N' Out Burger may just drive you to drink and drive.

• MySpace break-up etiquette.

As always, this, and EVERY, BEWARE OF THE BABYLON podcast can be automatically downloaded to your computer and transferred to your iPod through iTunes.

Today's News in Photos

Suri Cruise makes her debut. Is it me, or does she look like Chris Klein?

Lindsay Lohan supposedly revealed her firecrotch, but it was just an online hoax. She wears pink panties like a lady.

New Garbage Can

This past Labor Day weekend, my goal was to purchase a brand new garbage can. This task was more difficult than you can imagine. I finally found my dream can for $39.99 at National Wholesale Liquidators. While this may seem extreme for a garbage can, please note that I rarely purchase anything for my home so this is probably the biggest luxury item I own. I can't wait to start throwing away some serious trash!

Greater Than/Less Than Movie Reviews

I have invented a new way to review the movies I see during the busy BAFTA screening timeframe. I am using the mathematical symbols <, > and = method.

Tonight I saw Hollywoodland starring Adrien Brody, Ben Affleck and Diane Lane.

LA Confidential > Autofocus > Hollywoodland > Art School Confidential

This tranlates that LA Confidential is greater than Autofocus which is greater than Hollywood land which is greater than Art School Confidential

You do the math.