Shut Up and Spread 'Em

I'm back in town but slightly traumatized from Christian Slater grabbing my ass over Memorial Day weekend in a bar. (OK, it wasn't exactly Slater who grabbed my ass in a bar last night.) While Slater was getting arrested, I was in York, PA where someone at the bar I was at was seriously wearing a t-shirt that said "Shut Up and Spread 'Em" including a graphic of a nude woman. He also was wearing a fanny back and acid-washed peg-legged Levis. I found this outfit much more offensive than Slater's behavior. This was a guy who should have been arrested by the fashion police.

Taking a Nap: Friday Catblog by MJ Cat

I'm skipping town for the long weekend so I can tan my fur and rest eyes. Hopefully, everything will appear clearer and brighter on Tuesday.

The Promcast Podcast

THE PROMCAST PODCAST

Questions brought up in this week's angst-filled podcast...

- Do vitamins substitute for psychotropic medications?

- What is the official song of all proms?

- What has Rachel smelling like a rasberry?

- When was Todd killed off by R.L. Stine?

- How did Rachel and Todd lose their front teeth?

* CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE PODCAST AND LISTEN! *

What's Not Hot

This has been a very unhot and uncool week. Here's things that I think are definitely NOT HOT right now.

1. Tom Cruise's bizarre breakdown. Will this destroy his career?
2. The Podcasting Association Code of Ethics? WTF?
3. Ex-girlfriends of men I like. They win every time.
4. Weight Watchers Flex Points. The new system is just so confusing!

Rexic Diary: Day One Wrap-Up

It's only be one day since my struggle to become pin-thin, but I'm down four pounds in 24 hours so it seems to be working. Yesterday, I ate only two pickles, two steamed shrimp, four tic tacs and bowl of raw spinach. I worked out for an hour on the elliptical trainer and read Self Magazine. I can't wait until my collarbone starts jutting out. Thank you for all of your support on my quest to become shockingly skinny!

I Wanna Be Pin Thin

I need to find a friend who wants to jump on the new trend in friend weight loss competition as outlined in this week's Star Magazine. Like Lindsay and Nicole or Calista and Portia or Jennifer and Courtney, I need to find somebody to become skeletal and underweight with as soon as possible. I have been too happy and comfortable and because of this pleasant mental state, I've gained 7 lbs. According to the "celebrity friend competition diet", for every 5lbs. one friend adds, the other one must lose three times as much to compensate for both of their temporary fatness. I figure I must now lose at least 21 lbs to obtain the bony body I secretly desire. I want to have a summer full of pickles, egg whites, sacrifice and denial. By August, I want to wear a thong bikini and for my friends to gasp when they see my new ultra-ultra-thin waistline, protruding ribs and razor-sharp shoulder blades. I want to see the look of disappointment on men who once loved my big round boobs which will have disappeared to small mounds of loose A-cup flesh. I don't have a friend to do this with yet, but the diet starts today. Wish me luck.

Trump University

The news today is insane, especially the announcement that Donald Trump is creating an online university. MJ Cat will be enrolling as soon as possible hoping to become the next Apprentice!

Dr. Cruise Medicine Man

I rarely read Lloyd Grove, but I was absolutely shocked today when I read Tom Cruise's comments to Billy Bush on Access Hollywood about Brooke Shield's use of Paxil to conquer her postpartum depression. Tom actually states:

These drugs are dangerous. I have actually helped people come off,''...'When you talk about postpartum, you can take people today, women, and what you do is you use vitamins. There is a hormonal thing that is going on, scientifically, you can prove that. But when you talk about emotional, chemical imbalances in people, there is no science behind that. You can use vitamins to help a woman through those things.

For years, I always defended Tom Cruise's heterosexuality and sanity, but I have to say, today, he really pissed me off. There is nothing that makes me more angry than celebrities doling out half-assed medical advice. Vitamins? I take vitamins which does nothing for my mental state. Also, is Tom now a neuroanatomist and I missed the summary of his dissertation and research findings in In Touch?

And, how in the hell is he helping these women "come off" Paxil? Where is the Tom Cruise treatment center? I can't imagine turning to Tom Cruise to help me with any sort of medical problem. I hope this story gets blown up, because this is truly a celeb abusing his status and forcing misogynist lies and myths upon the ignorant American public. Brooke Shields better kick his ass. And, yet, this comment explains why Katie Holmes' face is breaking out. Tom's probably getting her to "come off" Proactiv and forcing vitamin E down her throat. Katie, get out before it's too late. This man is a total nut.

Ask MJ Cat: Friday Catblog

It's time for everyone's favorite expert MJ Cat to answer all your questions! MJ Cat just received his PhD in Cultural Studies from a top online university and continues studying at DeVry. He also has a MA in Cinema Studies, which according to the New York times is the "new M.B.A." MJ can answer questions on any topic from any human being.
>^..^< >^..^< >^..^< >^..^< >^..^< >^..^< >^..^<

Dear MJ Cat: What the hell is up with John Bolton's mustache? It looks like he's snorting a rat or something. Since cats are experts at good grooming practices, what advice do you have for Mr. Bolton?--Barry @ enrevanche, New York, NY

Dear Barry: I take pride in my own whiskers although I burnt one in a candle last week. Who is John Bolton? Is he related to Michael Bolton? Those Boltons sure are cheeseballs.

Dear MJ Cat: Dear Max. A Brazilian friend of mine recently wrote: "To dream is to make plans. To live is to have courage to realize them." I've been suffering
from a lot of fear lately - fear of doing stuff I really want to do. Any
advice?-Scaredy Cat, New York, NY

Dear SC: As the cool cats say in Rio,"Tenha coragem. O desafio viver o sonho."

Dear MJ: What do you think of Chris Klein getting busted for drunk driving a few days after the press announcement that his ex-fiancee and Tom Cruise are dating? How does one deal with horrible break-ups, especially in the public eye?--DMB, Michigan

Dear DMB: There is no easy way to deal with a sudden upsetting breakup. When faced with man trauma, my person usually recoups at home and spends more time with me. I guess the answer is, it's always best to spend some quality time with your own pussy and stay away from the bottle.

Dear MJ: How do you stay regular? Zel Norm, NYC

Dear Zel: I watch my diet and eat food strong in protein and fiber. Also, don't eat too much cellophane cause that definitely stops me up.

Waiting in Vain

Most people who know me understand that I HATE waiting in line for anything. I was surprised last night to witness people actually camping out for two weeks to see Star Wars. I can count the times on one hand I've actually been so excited for something that I've camped out on the pavement or at least waited over 1/2 hour for something to take place. Last year, I freaked out at the National Archives after having to wait for 25 minutes. I left although we were at the front of the line. Here are the events that I waited for:

1. Kate Bush signing and Tower Records (1994): While this might make me just as big a nerd as the Star Wars people, Kate Bush rarely makes US appearances due to her fear of flying. In my formative youth period, I was a huge Kate Bush fan (still am) and had to have her sign my rare Belgium imported album. I stood out in the freezing rain for four hours to meet Kate.

2. Vamp restock at Barney's (1995): For years I was waiting for that perfect nail polish to emerge on the market. When Chanel introduced the color Vamp, I went crazy and actually stood in line for an hour to get my turn to pluck down my $20 for that perfect dark red enamel.

3. Dick Tracey movie premiere (1990): While this was a terrible movie, I just had to see Madonna again on the big screen. My friend's dad scored us midnight tickets for the York, County premiere. As we were waiting in line for the big show, I was interviewed by the York Daily Record and was outed as a huge Madonna fan.

4. Waiting for Simon LeBon outside Radio City Music Hall (1996): OK, I admit they were even past their prime and I was too old to be behaving like this, but after seeing Simon onstage for the first time in my life, I had to wait outside the backstage door to get an up close and personal look at him. Simon shaking my hand was worth the two hours outside in the snow!

May the Podcast Be With You

What do these three images have in common? Find out in this week's Beware of the Babylon Podcast.

Also, listen and you may just learn:

- How long has it been since I've touched another man's lightsaber

- What is Spiderman is doing in the line?

- What celebs are galavanting around midtown

- Who shot J.R.!

* CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE PODCAST AND LISTEN! *

Revenge of the Nerds

New York Magazine has a hilarious article defining the new hot trend of being a nerd in relation to the new Star Wars release. According to this article, it seems everyone I know is some kind of nerd, especially those with nothing better to do than harrass me on the message boards.

Perhaps people are buying into the delights of earnest, giddy enjoyment—the joy of being a nerd. And then suddenly you realize that, in the end, everyone’s a nerd, not just those of us with Han Solo key chains. Did you preorder the next season of Sex and the City on DVD as soon as it was announced? Then you, my friend, are a nerd. Do you faithfully trudge out to each new Jude Law film, hypnotized by that rakish grin? Hello, Jude Law nerd. Do you hotly debate Broadway debuts, haunt the newest eateries, track obsessively the ups-and-downs of your favorite team? One might call you an aficionado, a foodie, or a sports nut. Or more succinctly: a nerd, a nerd, and a nerd.

http://newyorkmetro.com/nymetro/movies/features/11998/index.html

Blogged Out

Things are going so well in my life that it's taken a toll on my mental health. I've finally received hate mail, got a fantastic review at work and met a great guy. My therapist told me I need to calm down for a couple of days because I've been too wound up for too extended period of time. If I don't calm down, I'll go back into a downward spiral and be forced to return to a diet of depakote, vodka and sodas and tuna tartar. I can't let this happen.

Big Black Hole Tuesday

It's Tuesday which means I have a lot of questions that I can't answer alone. Here they are:

1. Who is Big Hands Meaghan?
2. What was the mashed purple stuff on my plate today at the Union Square Cafe?
3. Who is it from NBC that is reading this blog? Is it Meaghan?
4. Also, what is a ramp? I ate ramps today at lunch as well.
5. What are the benefits of a monthly tanning membership at Hollywood Tans? Is it worth it or will it make you too tan or sick?

Welcome Willie!

I'm not sure if his final name will be Willie, but I wanted to welcome a new member into the nycbabylon family. He might not be a Savannah cat, but he sure is cute.

Who is Big Hands Meaghan?

There is a mean and crazy person calling herself Meaghan who is using this blog as a forum to post comments. I, however, think that this Meaghan character is hiding under a pseudonymn to protect her identity. I do admit that perhaps I have some enemies who might be interested in screwing with me on this blog. I've contacted the authorities and they have narrowed down the following suspects as the real "Meaghan."

1. Federico from WFMU-Federico has told me to my face that he hates the blog and the podcast. (ed. correction--Federico does not hate the blog or the podcast, but wants the podcast to be "tighter." Apologies to Federico who is not Meaghan and a good friend.)
2. Liev Schreiber-I've heard he's upset he hasn't been a guest on the podcast.
3. Katie Holmes-I did make fun of her zits. But, if she is "Meaghan," she can stop writing these messages because Todd and I both broke out after making fun of her.
4. Mr. Book-Maybe he went crazy after the Kentucky Derby?
5. John Carabino-He can't control his clients so he's taking it out on me.
6. Caroline-She is the one who did cut me out of the picture!

Getting Catty: Friday Catblog by MJ Cat

Everyone is being so catty this week on nycbabylon and my person is feeling guilty because perhaps she has been kind of nasty recently. As you can see, I'm ignoring the harsh words and totally chilling on the chaise. I think you all should do the same.

Give Me that Pussy!

I must have one of these exotic Savannah cats! I think these even beat out Ligers! Someone asked me the other day if I was reading the new Thursday Style section in the Times, and when I confessed I wasn't, she must have called them and pitched this story. I want a Savannah NOW!

I Do Not Own a Dog

Today, I would like to clarify that I do not own a dog that has ever bit anyone. Also, if you do not like this blog or the podcast, please stop torturing yourself by listening and reading. I do not torture myself in this manner and I would not want to torture others who perhaps think I am a total waste of time as a human being. Although many people love and watch E.R., I don't because the show doesn't appeal to my tastes and sensibilities.

And, for the record, my family owned dogs and the only person they ever bit was ME causing me to nearly lose an eye and a finger. These attacks were not funny and I do not like being accused of owning a biting dog, especially when this is completely a viscous lie insulting MJ Cat, who is clearly not a canine.

I'm Out of the Picture!

Last night I made a troubling discovery at my friend's house. As I was leaving, I noticed a nice photograph she has of herself with her friend Jordan who disappeared to Australia last year. Then I made the shocking discovery that she has physically CUT me out of the picture leaving only half of my body remaining! I returned from the bedroom to say goodbye but was unsure if I should say something. What could this mean? Here are the possibilities:

1. She likes Jordan better than she likes me which frankly doesn't make sense because he left the country and doesn't seem to be coming back. Also, he doesn't have any more designer discounts to offer while the presence of my company is priceless.
2. She was being sensitive that the photo was taken during my fat days and is actually being a good friend and destroying all fat images of me for public viewing.
3. She is embarrassed to be my friend in general so she cut me out! This can't be true though or she wouldn't have invited me to her house in the first place and besides, she's a loyal friend and doesn't really operate like that.


It's all a puzzle. I'm not sure what this could mean, but if you ever cut me out of the picture, cut me out completely and don't shove half my body into the side of a frame. It's just too upsetting!

RenKen Conspiracy!

I have to give Renee some credit. She can gain and lose weight like nobody's business. She can go back to blonde with one simple dye job. And in the amount of time I've had a dish in the sink, she's met and married a new man! Wasnt' she just with Jack White yesterday?

I think it's all a conspiracy planned by her longtime manager John Carabino to detract detention from his other client Katie Holmes' acne/herpes riddled face.

The PMS Beware of the Babylon Podcast!

If you haven't listened to the Beware of the Babylon podcast before, this week be sure to download so you can hear the premiere of our new hit single "RIAA" which will be sure to be the summer dance hit of 2005.

This week's breakthrough podcast comes from the Burger Joint in Le Parker Meridien.

In it, you might just learn...

- Is Rachel dating the Messiah?

- What is and what is not a Motown song

- Which Yu-Be you be

- How much burgers sizzling sounds like tape hiss

- How did Tom bring up Katie's unsightly cold sore to her face?


Download here!

Where Do They Go?

Over the weekend, I received a surprise message on the voicemail from a man I went on a blind date with in 1994. I haven't heard from him since but below is a transcript of the message he left for me out of the blue on Friday afternoon. The message is full of assumptions that I find slightly insulting and hilarious.

Uh, hi...this your old friend/blind date Marc (last name edited). I'm calling you randomly after all these years because I'm working on a film production and only have two more scenes to shoot. I know you are hot to trot and might have some good insight into good locations in the Village. Unfortunately, most of my friends are married and moved to the suburbs. I hope you are well.

Yu-Be is the Fountain of Youth

Last week I discovered the Fountain of Youth. After receiving a free sample, I purchased a tube of Yu-Be, the best-selling medicated skin cream from Japan. Not only can Yu-Be eliminate fine lines and wrinkles, but it can soothe cuticles and tired feet. Yu-Be can also cure zits, roids and chapped lips. And I look like I'm 16 years old now. Thanks, Yu-Be!

Happy Mother's Day: Friday Catblog by MJ Cat

This year, I worked hard to make sure my person got a mother's day card in the mail. (Actually, I sent her two!) The poem in one was so touching, I wanted to share it with all you cat-owners out there:

You feed me when I'm hungry.
You keep water in my dish.
You let me stare at you all day,
or longer if I wish.

You don't get mad whenever
I leave fur about the place.
You let me sleep most anywhere-
Your room, your bed, your face...

You cope with coughed-up hairballs
that are covered with my spit.
You always fill my litter box
so I can take a...well, you know.

You'll always have my loyalty,
until the bitter end,
'cause after all, it's plain to see...

You're truly my best friend!

Love,
MJ Cat

Oh You've Got Green Eyes.....

Tonight, I'm going to see New Order at the Hammerstein Ballroom. New Order has played the background for some significant background music for some influential experiences in my life. Going tonight is bringing back a couple of specific memories that are troubling:

1. My first kiss that included tongue took place to Temptation at Big City Under 21 Nite Club. This guy is now gay.
2. I went to see New Order with my close high school friends right after graduation at Merriweather Post pavilion. That was the first concert I drove to and we were very excited about seeing New Order along with the Sugarcubes and PIL. As New Order closed the night, people were lighting fires on the lawn and jumping over them. My friend Ed from school and drama club was getting especially dangerous with his fire behavior and was putting his arm in the fire. That was the second to the last time I ever saw Ed. He killed himself in his garage the following Thanksgiving.

Dear WLS

It has come to my attention through certain contacts that someone I know well is secretly reading this blog, commenting on it profusely and forbidding our friends from telling me that he reads it (and that he also enjoys the podcast.) He is also spreading vicious rumors that Todd is the brain behind the podcast, which is totally false. Why can't he provide support to his friend (me)? Why does he need to keep all of this a big secret?

Here are my initial thoughts:

1. He lost his mind from falling off his high horse one too many times.
2. He wishes he had a cat.
3. He's the agency and I'm the client.
4. I'm the prettier queen.
5. My tits are perkier.

Fallen Idol Fallout

Today has been a shocking day. This Dateline Corey Clark interview accusing Paula Abdul must have the Idol producers' panties in a twist. What will happen to Paul tomorrow? Will she tell us straight up what really happened? Will this scandal overshadow Michael Jackson's trial? What will Simon Say? Will Pigface Savol claim to have bagged Paula in a hot tub? Rush, rush, Paul, with your side of the story!


Everyone knows I'm very careful about having my photograph taken and this photograph of Katie Holmes illustrates my biggest fears. Not that I have a weird herpe or bizarre mustache acne, but I wouldn't leave the house looking like this, especially when I've been in the public eye all week. I wonder if Tom likes her looking like this in the morning. Katie, get some Yu-Be to clear up all your skin problems!

In the Glass House

Today I am writing about nothing and nobody because I don't want to get in trouble for writing how I feel about things and my life and my job and the men I meet because I am getting too much attention and people are reading this blog and I don't want to get in any more self-induced trouble today. I am going to go to Target and then go home and watch American Idol and keep to myself and not interact with anyone or talk on the phone or gossip or do anything that might get me in trouble.

The Best Store Ever!

My apartment is notoriously messy and disorganized. This weekend, I went to this great store called The Container Store. There, I purchased a hanger especially made to hang silk scarves. I can't begin to tell you how long I've needed this piece of equipment. I've had scarves strewn around my apartment for over the past 15 years and now they are hung quietly in my closet. Thank you, Container Store.

Beware of the Zog Podcast!

MAY DAY, MAY DAY!!!!

On this week's infamous low-budget Beware of the Babylon podcast you shall learn:

- how do I befriend celebrities?

- Houston--gay or straight?

- do you really need to ride the bus with your sister?

- what does D.U.M.B.O. mean?

- why is Fisher Price running the NY Waterways?

-all about our special guest Seth Herzog's love of tabloid television