Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Who Got the Salad Spinner?

The older I get, the more men I meet with ex-wives. When I find out a man was once married, first I look in the New York Times to see if the wedding was written up. I like to see if the woman was able to stop working before the wedding or to see if the wedding even made the paper at all. My next step is to do an extensive search for an old bridal registry that can perhaps reveal what went wrong in the marriage and give secret insight into a man's real personality. Here are my findings out of a study of three men I've dated who were once married:

1. All three men registered at Bloomingdales and were married in 2000.
2. All three registered for the OXO Good Grips Salad Spinner. Only Man #1
received it. Man #1 was very into tossing salads and his wedding was the only
one not written up in the Times.
3. Man #1 only registered for a set of Wusthof knives, and yet received only one
8" cleaver. Man #2 received a full set of Henckles knives. Man #3 only
registered for the Henckles Four Star 8" Chef's Knife which he did receive.
Isn't it bad luck to receive a knife as a gift? Perhaps these marriages were all
doomed by the registry itself.
4. Man #1 registered for Le Creuset cookware. Man #2 registered for Analon
Professional cookware and Man #3 registered for Calphalon pans. It's too bad
it didn't work out with Man #1, because I prefer Le Creuset.
5. Man #1 and Man #2 did not register for any barware or drinking glasses while
Man #3 registered for a set of Christofle red wine glasses. Man #1 and Man #2
are heavy drinkers.
6. Only Man #2 registered for linens including a down pillows and a down comforter.
This means he is most likely not adverse to living with a cat.

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