The Gluton-Free Podcast

I've recovered enough to record The Beware of the Babylon podcast! This week, we met at Table 10 at the Risotteria to catch up and discuss important events. Download the new podcast here and find out:

1. how to say "no" to the Blackberry
2. just how big is Bono's ego?
3. how we avoided being thrown out of the joint
4. how my cell phone ring is scarier than the Ring 2!

The Smartest Books I Know

Today, Fortune Magazine listed their "smart" books or as I like to call them "sacred texts." Here's my own list of my own Sacred Texts:

Guide to Self-Promotion:
Edie: An American Biography by Jean Stein and edited by George Plimpton. Follow the life of Edie and learn how to use your connections and fashion sense to become the new it-girl.

How to be Seen on the Scene:
Downtown by Michael Musto. Musto actually includes a play-by-play list of how to get noticed at the Palladium or Danceteria. This kind of advice comes in handy if you are just going to Gristedes.

Fashion Emergencies:
911 Beauty Secrets: An Emergency Guide to Looking Great at Every Age, Size and Budgetby Diane Irons. I never knew how to get those yellow stains out of the armpits of a white t-shirt until Diane told me how!

Petcare:
I refer to Cats for Dummies more than I like to admit, but where else can I find detailed instructions on how to administer antibiotic drops to MJ Cat?

Entertaining and Home Decor:
Simply Halston: The Untold Story by Randy Gaines. Halston sure knew how to throw a dinner party in his ultra-chic ultrasuede covered apartment. Afterwards, he'd sashay on over to Studio 54 with his guests. I wish I had room on my desk for an orchid.

Dating and Romance:
What appears at first to be mindless numbing "chick lit," Straight Talking by Jane Greene is actually a meditation on how to get over being a "passion junkie." I'm not kidding. I've referred this novel to other non-committal thirtysomethings, and it's changed their lives forever.

I Want My DTV

I've been sick for a week now. I haven't been able to leave the house to socialize so I've been passing time enjoying all that my DTV has to offer. Here's a rundown of what I remember watching over the weekend in my feverish state.

1. Club MTV: No, I'm not hallucinating. VH1 Classic actually airs old "episodes" of Club MTV. In addition to wishing that perms and bras worn as tops would come back in vogue, I witnessed live performances from Samantha Foxx and Naughty by Nature. Now, the Palladium is a dorm and Downtown Julie Brown is forced to be on I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.

2. Thirteen Going on 30: For some reason, this movie was on some kind of loop on Stars Cinema the entire weekend. I watched it at least three times because I was too tired to change the channel. Mark Ruffalo is hot.

3. Fresh Prince of Bel Air: I never watched Fresh Prince when it was new, but I enjoyed watching the same episode twice this weekend where DJ Jazzy Jeff guest stars and fixes Will up with his sister who turns out to be a neurotic control-freak so Will pushes her off on Carlton. I can't tell you why this was entertaining, but I didn't have to think too much while watching.

4. Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony: I couldn't really sit through all of this because I didn't like the way that the show was edited between the performances and the acceptance speeches. Bono is so self-congratulatory.

5. Legally Blonde: I watched this one a couple of times on TBS during breaks between Thirteen Going on Thirty.

6. Eurotrip: I actually sat through this movie and didn't think it was too bad. That's how sick I felt.

7. Saturday Night Live: What is Ashton Kutcher's problem? Is he stupid? Too self confident? Untalented? I don't get it.

You've Got a Friend?

It's the height of flu season and chances are if your single female friend has disappeared for a week, she might be bedridden unable to get up except barely to go the bathroom. We all know she wants to drop five pounds, but seven pounds in a week is pushing it which shows that someone needs to get his or her ass over to her apartment and offer some provisions and to change her sweaty sheets. Here are some signs that your friend might be feeling as sick as she did when she had mono back in 1987:

1. You notice that she hasn't written in her blog for nearly a week.
2. She doesn't call you or pick up her phone. You know how she loves the phone.
3. It's St. Patrick's Day and she doesn't invite you anywhere. You know how she loves this holiday so this is all out of character.
4. She's not on AIM ALL WEEK LONG!
5. She calls you on the phone and leaves a message that she is really sick and NEEDS YOUR HELP. Please come over and help her if you receive this call.

Sick of Her Being Sick: Friday Catblog

I'm not sick, but my roommate is and I'm sick of watching her sit around and do nothing. She's not even watching TV which means I had to miss both America's Next Top Model and American Idol this week! I hope she gets enough energy to leave the house soon because I need my space back!

Out sick

I'm in bed and can't move. I'll be back when I can think and breathe.

Celebrity "Fit" Club Finale: Shocking Spoilers

I spent last night watching the final episodes of Celebrity Fit Club on VH1. The show was full of anstonishing surprises including:

1. Daniel Baldwin is a drug addict!
2. Despite dieting and exercising, none of the celebrites really looked that fit.
3. Final makeovers were provided courtesy of Star Magazine!
4. Ralphie May has bigger boobs than his new fiancee!
5. Mia Tyler is not very smart.
6. Wendy the Snapple Lady can't run carrying the weight of her fat!

Be sure to tune if you missed it!

We're Bad: Brand New Beware of the Babylon Podcast!

This is a photo of MJ Cat and Todd reenacting what Thomas Mesereau did to Michael Jackson after he showed up late to court in his pajamas. Todd is playing the part of Michael Jackson and MJ Cat is playing the part of Mesereau.

For more entertaining Jackson reenactments, download our new podcast recorded from El Paso, home of the $13.95 lobster! Right click and "save target" to download to your media player!

http://libsyn.com/media/bewareofbabylon/podcastelpaso.mp3

Ask MJ Cat: Friday Catblog

It's time for everyone's favorite expert MJ Cat to answer your plaguing questions! MJ Cat just received his PhD in psychoanalysis from a top online university. He also has a MA in Cinema Studies, which according to the New York times is the "new M.B.A." MJ can answer questions on any topic from any human being.

MJ: I got the ring last night. How should I pop the question?--Eric F., York, PA

Eric: Women like to be taken out and proposed to in public. The tough part is that there really isn't anywhere too romantic in York, PA to pop the question. I mean the Depot isn't really going to cut it. You should do it when you are out walking your cat (or dog) with her late at night or at Walmart at 2AM. Get the ring out and get down on one knee when it's totally unexpected. Good luck and let us know her response!

MJ: How much should I be willing to pay for tickets to the ACC tournament?--Your Aunt Ellen, Washington, D.C.

Aunt Ellen: I never get to see you much so I don't know much about your finances. I did appreciate that cat bed you gave me last Christmas. If I had an opportunity to go see Garfield in person, I'd pay $150.

MJ: Why do guys spit in the street and women don't?--Rachel A, New York, NY

Rachel: I only spit when I'm really pissed off or at the vet, but I'm a classy cat. Classy cats don't spit. Perhaps you should examine the relationships you have with these men who feel so comfortable spitting all the time in front of you.

MJ: Have you read “The Kite Runner”? If so, what are your thoughts? If not, WHY NOT?--Dave, Miami, FL

Dave: I just finished "The Life of Pi" which was such a rewarding and wonderful novel and I've been searching for a new satisfying book to read. Based on your taste in women and cats, I suspect you have great taste in literature. I'll be sure to read this one next!

MJ: Have you ever tried crystal meth? There's such a hub-bub about it lately.-JH, New York, NY

JH: I have never tried crystal meth but I will now take this time to confess that I have a serious problem with catnip. If I don't get my nightly dose, I get mean and bite my owner on the calf. Hallucinogenic drugs are dangerous and when you get addicted, you can really upset your loved ones as they become slaves to your nasty habit.

MJ: Why would my fiance want to wear an ascot to our wedding? Is this a
request you would honor? Am i a bad fiancee if i don't let him express his
individuality through neckwear?--Shauna, New York, NY

Shauna: I'm a classic brown tabby with white so I would not find an ascot necessary as my white fur collar serves as a natural type of ascot. I'm old-school and I think men look best in their own basic fur in a properly fitted tuxedo. You are not being a bad fiancee, but if he insists on wearing his ascot, let him. Hopefully, after you get married, he'll be more comfortable in his own fur.

MJ: Do you think Micheal Jackson was wearing underpants under his pajamas in
court today?--Wyndham S., New York, NY

Wyndham: No, but I don't wear underpants either so we can't judge him on that. At least he wasn't wearing an ascot.

Dear Michael Jackson

Dear Michael,
I don't understand what you are thinking. Although I believe you are guilty and crazy, I can't comprehend how can you be so self-destructive and NOT SHOW UP for court on time? Did you think it was honestly a good idea to show up in slippers and pajamas after your lawyer had to frantically call you from outside the court once warrants were issued for your arrest? Nobody is buying all your health problems. Who in the hell is advising you? Liz Taylor? I used to love you, Michael. I still get excited when I hear Rock With You, but you are tainting my enjoyment of your songs with your insane behaviour. I also confess that I even use the Michael Jackson History mousepad in my office but I'm thinking of retiring it as it's becoming embarrassing to even mention your name. Please show up on time for your next hearings. You've already screwed up by allowing so many kids to hang out with you at the crazy Neverland Ranch and why in the hell did you let that guy make the documentary about you? Being Wacko doesn't mean you have to be so stupid.

Benefit for Aaron Tonight

This photo is of our friend Aaron who had two heart attacks this year. As you can see, Aaron is hot. Below are the details for a benefit tonight at the Knitting Factory for his medical bills along with his band The Giraffes. I am hoping to go, but I now have to be at work at the crack of dawn.

On January 3rd of this year Aaron died..... twice.
(he got better)
This show is to help with his medical bills.
Benefit for Aaron Lazar
March 9th, Knitting Factory Main Space
6pm doors, 7pm start $10 advance/$12 day of show:

Wasting My Brain on Michael Jackson

I confess that each night between the hours of 7:30PM-8:00PM I am home watching the reenactment of the Michael Jackson trial on E!. Last night I was caught when my mother called me and I told her I couldn't speak to her until after the show was over. She then yelled at me that watching the E! MJ Trial Reenactment was "a waste of time and intelligence." She expressed that having "some guy dress up like Michael Jackson" was "stupid and ridiculous." I defended the program stating E! uses actual transcripts and that real lawyers provide commentary. She then rebutted, "It's not even on Court TV."

Things You'll Learn in the New Podcast

Download our new podcast here and find out about

-the Beckisode
-my favorite food
-movies that make us cry
-Gilbert O'Sullivan's possible links to Satan

and much more!!!!

He Works Hard for the Money: Friday Catblog

I had a tough week mousing and it feels so good to be home where I don't have to work. I learned some stuff this week mousing at the restaurant:

1. Don't bite the hand that feeds you. I bit my boss and he was so scared of me that he wouldn't pet me anymore.
2. Somebody hates you at your office. There is always some guy who is allergic to you, hates your species or thinks you are a nuisance. This person might kick you or pretend to hit you or make fun of you behind your back. This happens at all jobs.
3. Take your own blanket to work. It's nice to have something from home to remind you of your life outside of your workplace. I also take my own food.

Striking Out in the Dominican Republic

These are the men my friend Kristen and I met in the DR. Although we didn't hook up with any guys, I did learn important life lessons from our new friends. Here are the men we met in the DR:

1. Canadian Pro-Bowlers: We met them within 10 minutes of arriving. Rob, the head pro-bowler, approached us in the pool bar as we were sampling our first taste of the addictive Coco Loco cocktail. Rob was escorted by his friends RC and Schmittie. On our last night, we invited them to meet us to smoke cigars. RC never spoke except to give fashion commentary on the Oscars. We're going to visit them for the Calgary Stampede. Rob invited us to stay in his house, but we think that might be a little weird and his wife Monique (who we never met) might be pissed. Rob resembled Sam Elliot in the movie Mask and has made me rethink about the type of men that I should be dating.

2. Taxi Driver: I had only been in town for less than five minutes, when our driver Pedro proposed to me. His wife had left him and taken their daughter back to Santo Domingo and he was living with his grandfather in a hut. Impressively, I conducted this entire conversation in Spanish. If you ever plan to go the DR, gain a little weight before your trip. The locals dig a fat ass and you will be treated like a celebrity.

3. The Wheeler: Kristen and I were fascinated by this one dude who used his own feet to rapidly wheel himself in his own wheelchair. His Pamela Anderson type woman always was lagging behind him. Kristen saw him get out of his chair at the buffet and she claims he was entirely fully mobile. The next time I go on vacation, I'm getting a wheelchair so I can get through the terrible Miami airport much faster.

4. Fat Man Skinny Man: Fat Man Skinny Man were our favorite men. Fat Man was really really fat and Skinny Man was really really skinny. Fat Man wore a bathing suit with his ass crack hanging out along with a green bandana tied around his forehead. He always had a cigarette hanging out from his top lip, even when he was in the outdoor shower. Skinny Man was so skinny that his ribs showed through his skin. We couldn't figure out they knew each other and why such a fat man would travel with such a gaunt man to an all-inclusive resort. Kristen guessed that perhaps they worked together in the French sewers and one of them had one the lottery and taken his best buddy on vacation. They took one another's photos beside a palm tree, and that was the only time I saw Fat Man smile. On our last night, we decided we would comb the resort to find them and finally speak with them. When we located them at the pool bar, they were singing Quebec songs with two broads that suddenly appeared. Both of the women were so drunk, that Fat Man Skinny Man had to take them back to their rooms. Skinny Man put one woman on each arm and Fat Man lagged behind them holding their purses. Sadly, that was our farewell to Fat Man Skinny Man. I wonder if people called Kristen and I Fat Lady Skinny Lady as Kristen is so skinny I was starting to feel very fat by the end of the trip. In any case, I learned if you want to talk to somebody, you better do it immediately, or you might lose your chance.

5. Pablo: Pablo owned a stand in the market. We wanted to buy a monkey, a rooster and a turtle. Pablo gave us too high of a price but we vowed to return with some pesos the next day to haggle. Pablo made me kiss him goodbye. When we returned, Pablo had a substitute manning his store. Pablo was at English school and the new guy gave us our wares for a much lower price than Pablo. Items are cheaper to buy on a Monday when the store owner is at school learning English.

6. Italian George Hamilton: I was taken on a surprise tour of a brand new five-star hotel which was owned by the resort that had invited me to stay for four glorious days. I was escorted by a handsome Italian man who gave me an espresso as we discussed Donatella Versace for two hours. Donatella travels with 20 bags of luggage, all her jewelry, her hairdresser and a bodyguard. She demands two full-length mirrors be placed in her room. I actually got to see where Donatella bathed out in the open in her balcony bathtub. We didn't have a full-length mirror in our room. For probably the only time in my life, I wished I was Donatella Versace. When I'm at the beach, I never look glamorous and am in desperate need of a hairdresser. The next I go, I'm taking my makeup case.

Coco Locos

I'm back from my Dominican vacation where I drowned my tension in a cocktail called the Coco Loco which is best sampled from a bar stool located inside of a swimming pool. I will have a full report tonight once my sunburnt lips deflate, I debloat and I get this fish poison out of my foot.

Gone Mousing by MJ Cat

I'll be away mousing until next week while my owner tans herself in the Caribbean. Here I am with my travel bag which includes my blanket, cat chows, Pounce treats, litter and my catdancer. If you are in New York City and you know where I work, stop by and say hello!

Jay from PA Won Project Runway!

Although Austin Scarlett lost, I am pleased Pennsylvanian Jay beat out Wendy and Kara Saun. For those of you who missed it, the finale of Project Runway was two hours of gripping television. Kara Saun acted like an entitled bitch and Wendy Pepper makes funny faces when she's confronted. Jay's line deserved to win, but it reminded me of Marc Jacobs in many ways. Well, I finally have my Wednesday nights back.

Jay McCarroll wins first 'Project Runway', but popular series' future uncertain - Reality TV World - News, information, episode summaries, message boards, chat and games for unscripted television programs

Who Needs Christo?

Mike Argento, the columnist for the York Daily Record, compares New York's Central Park to York's Cherry Lane. I have seen both the Gates and have spent some time on Cherry Lane. I can't critique the murals on Cherry Lane since I haven't been there since 1989 when I made out with some boy I met at Zakie's Night Club under-21 Sunday. I hung out at two Under-21 clubs in York when I was a teenager. One was Big City Under 21 Nite Club and the second one was on the third floor of Zakie's on Sunday nights. To this day, I still feel a slight sense of vacancy on both Friday and Sunday nights. I've never been able to fill that void where I danced in a dark smoky room to New Order and Bronski Beat. In any case, I can't picture the guy I kissed or the painting of a man chopping off a woman's toenail on Cherry Lane. In 16 years, I wonder if I will be able to visualize the Gates. Who needs Christo? We have our own special art - York Daily Record

Project Runway Finale

Tonight I will have to say goodbye to my favorite program Project Runway. I hope that bitch Wendy Pepper loses.

We'd Like to Thank the Academy Podcast

Our inaugural podcast received so much response that we decided to do it again!

This week, Beware of the Blog and NYCBabylon give our thoughts on the upcoming Oscar nominations from the historical Chumley's. We do not have a special guest, as everyone we invited said we were not "big" enough for them to stop by and give us some time. So, please help us to become bigger and if you want to be on the show, please let us know.


To listen, go to this link and right click and "Save as Target" to download to your computer.

I Love Ooh La Lift!

Combined with Boing Concealer and Ambien, Ooh La Lift is the best cosmetic product available on the market. I didn't realize how old and tired I look until a woman at Bloomingdales showed me the magic of this product on one eye. I now look like I'm 21!

Big Black Hole Tuesday

OK, I had a bizarre weekend which left me wondering about the state of the world in which I live. Here are my unanswered questions:

1. In the Paris Hilton Sidekick transcripts, she mentions "Baltazar Getty." Is she referring to Lost Highway actor Balthazar Getty? Is he alive? Is he off the stuff? Why did Paris think about him on 9/10/2004?
2. What was upiwth my date on Sunday night and why was he such a jackass?
3. What is this pain in my right hand? Is it arthritis?
4. For how many more seasons will American Idol last?

A Beer and a Shot in the Dark

Last night I think I had one of my worst dates ever. Here are some signs your date might be going very badly:

1. He shows up in an old ratty grey t-shirt and jeans. You are supposed to go to a French restaurant so you are dressed up in a cute silk skirt and sexy top.
2. He orders a shot before he even says hello to you. He doesn't ask what you would like to drink.
3. He calls you before the date and changes the time so that he can "get a workout in." You are already applying your eyeliner.
4. Despite your charming attempts at conversation, he finishes his beer, finally looks at you, tells you he's just not up for conversation and says, "I'm going home." He leaves you sitting alone at the bar. Only 15 minutes have passed.

If this ever happens to you, go immediately to you gay boyfriend's house. He will make you feel better and tell you that look fabulous and don't smell.

Total Target Recall!

For those of you who shop at Target, please be aware that this $25 is being recalled. The heel is falling off and women everywhere are falling and breaking their ankles! Go to Target for full details!

Wink, Wink: MJ Cat's Friday Catblog

My person is under strict orders to NOT mention me or show my photos on any dates. As the main cat in NYCBabylon's life, if any of you suitors come across this blog you should know the following:

1. I sleep in the bed with her and she cuddles and doesn't snore. Her ass makes a very nice pillow.
2. If you piss her off, she'll lock you in the bathroom.
3. She likes to take photos with her camera phone.
4. I am grateful that she gave me a nice home. Perhaps one day you will get as lucky.
5. She provides fresh food and water. Sometimes she brings me home surprises.
6. If you get sick, she'll stay with you until you recover.

I Love the Liger!

The Post must have been low on news since today I enjoyed articles on screwing hawks and a 800 lb. liger!

My Politics

I received a comment yesterday about the fact that I rarely discuss my politics. For those of you who know me personally, you know I have a sister with high political aspirations and I must take special care to not become the Roger Clinton or Billy Carter of our family. She already found out about this blog and is upset that I am sharing personal anecdotes over the public Internet. In the meantime, I do have some political views that I will share with you.

1. If you are a woman, you should vote in every election. Women were once not allowed to vote and your elders fought for you to have this human right. I always vote.
2. If a person is cruel to animals, he or she should go to jail. If a person has a drug problem, he or she should get some help.
3. New York City deserves more money for protection against terrorists.
4. Anyone who wants to get married should be able to.
5. Intelligent design should not be taught in public schools.
6. Rich people should pay more taxes and stop complaining about it.
7. Social Security should be saved.
8. Music and art programs should be saved in public schools.

I Have Many Secrets

This blog is fabulous. I'm posting a secret next week.

PostSecret

The Perfect TV Show for the "Hip, Young and Gay."

Don't forget to watch Project Runway tonight!

The New York Times > Arts > Television > TV Watch | 'Project Runway': Hemlines on the Stand: A Design-Off for Fashion Glory

Who Got the Salad Spinner?

The older I get, the more men I meet with ex-wives. When I find out a man was once married, first I look in the New York Times to see if the wedding was written up. I like to see if the woman was able to stop working before the wedding or to see if the wedding even made the paper at all. My next step is to do an extensive search for an old bridal registry that can perhaps reveal what went wrong in the marriage and give secret insight into a man's real personality. Here are my findings out of a study of three men I've dated who were once married:

1. All three men registered at Bloomingdales and were married in 2000.
2. All three registered for the OXO Good Grips Salad Spinner. Only Man #1
received it. Man #1 was very into tossing salads and his wedding was the only
one not written up in the Times.
3. Man #1 only registered for a set of Wusthof knives, and yet received only one
8" cleaver. Man #2 received a full set of Henckles knives. Man #3 only
registered for the Henckles Four Star 8" Chef's Knife which he did receive.
Isn't it bad luck to receive a knife as a gift? Perhaps these marriages were all
doomed by the registry itself.
4. Man #1 registered for Le Creuset cookware. Man #2 registered for Analon
Professional cookware and Man #3 registered for Calphalon pans. It's too bad
it didn't work out with Man #1, because I prefer Le Creuset.
5. Man #1 and Man #2 did not register for any barware or drinking glasses while
Man #3 registered for a set of Christofle red wine glasses. Man #1 and Man #2
are heavy drinkers.
6. Only Man #2 registered for linens including a down pillows and a down comforter.
This means he is most likely not adverse to living with a cat.

Inaugural Podcast!

So, Beware of the Blog and I have teamed up on the new trend of PODCASTING. For those of you not in the know, PODCASTING is a special broadcast which you can download to your iPod or listen to from your computer. Over your lunchbreak, on your commute or on the elliptical trainer, Beware of the Babylon Podcast will provide you with approximately 27 minutes of New York City commentary and gossip .

We will be broadcasting from a different location in New York City each week.
Special guest stars to be announced soon.

This week's show comes from the Angelika Film Center in the West Village.

If the link doesn't work, right click and save as target HERE:



When you get to the link, right click, and download the mp3 to your iTunes or Windows Media Player. The easiest way to download is to "right click" on the title of this article "Inaugural Podcast" and then go to "Save Target."

Enjoy!

Worst Vday Ever

I only have three hours to go until this rockbottom day officially ends. I always say that New Year's Eve to Valentine's Day is just one downward spiral, and this year, I was right. Tonight I came home from work, went to the gym, and ate a turkey burger and an orange. Now, I'm watching the Westminster Dog Show. My friend Jeff is very upset I failed to mention my evening last Friday night. He's upset I didn't write about how I kissed a friend on a dare and actually considered going home with a gay man. He doesn't understand that this behavior was just part of the downward spiral. Now, I'm waiting for the sun to shine tomorrow so I can start feeling like a normal human being again. For now, I'll let MJ Cat bite me until midnight.

Valentine's Day for the Single Cat: Friday Catblog

Valentine's Day is only a couple of days away, and as always, I'm single and going to be spending it alone locked up in the apartment. Here's how I am going to survive what can be a very lonely day for a single cat.

1. I am going to curl up and snuggle with my person. She's a woman in her thirties and I'm a cat and this is a big day for all those like us to celebrate our circumstantial relationship.
2. I am going to eat Fancy Feast rather than my usual boring dry Iams chows. Calories don't count on Monday.
3. I am going to run around the hall and get some exercise. Spring is on the way and I need to look good.
4. I am going to go nuts with my catdancer. I am going to jump as high as I can.
5. I am going to examine the closets and see what all that crap is in there buried at the bottom.

Goodbye Austin!

Austin, I will miss you. My friend Jessica called and left a message last night for me stating that she thinks the reason that I fell for Austin so hard was because he must remind me of my old friend from middle school named Chris Leach. The last time I saw Chris was at the 8th grade dance when he took all the dateless girls to the dance in a stretch limo. Chris wore a white tuxedo with tails. I somehow had a date so I didn't talk to Chris that evening. He didn't enter high school with us and I never knew what happened to him. Did he reinvent himself as Austin Scarlett?

He Wants to Make the World Beautiful

I have watched hours and hours of reality television since the Real World premiered in the early 90's. I have never cried during any of these programs...until tonight. Austin Scarlett was tragically eliminated on Project Runway and Wendy Pepper, the talentless hack, made it to the final three in his place. And who is to blame for this national travesty? The also talentless and tasteless Nancy O'Dell from Access Hollywood chose the very ugly Pepper creation over Austin's beautiful and tasteful gown. Nancy, you are now guaranteed to look like an asshole on the red carpet. Austin, when you make it as a big time designer, I will become your client. I hope you one day dress me because I know in your hands, I will look and feel beautiful.

Ward Churchill update

To see the latest on Hamilton College's response to the Ward Churchill fiasco, click here.

A Perfect Day

So, yesterday was supposed to be a 5-star day, but it wasn't. So, this morning, I woke up and tried to recount previous 5-star days. I am qualifying a "5-star" day as a day when some point during that time period, I remember thinking, "This is such a perfect day. I am totally happy right now."

Here's what I remember as being perfect days:

September 2004--An early fall sunny day included a nice bridal luncheon, a spa date with Mr. Book and dinner at Les Halles. Mr. Book also gave me a book as a gift. This was right after we first met and didn't hide from one another.

August 2003--The day I achieved Lifetime status at Weight Watchers was such a great day!

January 2003--The day began with my first Brazilian bikini wax which turned out to be a painless and satisfying experience. Afterwards, my close male friend The Declinist and I spent the day and night together in snowy below-freezing weather. We first met for dinner at McDonald's and then went to meet our friend George Charlton at the Gramercy Park Hotel. George acted crazy and gave me two Hello Kitty vibrators as a belated X-mas present. This made me angry for some reason which was actually kind of funny. The Declinist and I went back to his place, gossiped and had a non-erotic erotic evening where he sneaked a peek at the wax. He let me sleep over and let me tell you, the Declinist has the MOST COMFORTABLE bed ever.

March 1999--My friend Max escorted me around LA right before the Oscars and let me see the red carpet in person. He also took me shopping at Fred Segal which was way and beyond the call of duty for a straight male friend. Then we went back to Venice Beach, ate fish tacos and watched the Awards. That was a fun day.

May 1993--I hosted a Bloody Mary party on the field right before I graduated college. My best friends and I drank bloodies all day in our bathing suits and then we went back to my room and cried as we watched all the members of 90210 graduate from high school.

March 1993--My first love Morgan and I were in Telluride. We went skiing, fooled around in the jacuzzi, had dinner and then went to see the movie Groundhog Day. I think of that day every time I see that movie on TV and wish I could live that day over and over again. That was also the day I ate my first tomato.

July 1991--WHFS festival on the 4th of July. My best friend Jessica and all of our favorite bands--all day long.

August 1989--I had this crazy 18th birthday party where nobody showed up except my very best friends. Some other girl was having a beer bash across town and my mother wouldn't serve any alcohol to underage kids so everyone went to Linda's party instead of my pool party/crab bash. My friend Howard videotaped the entire day which included my party, my friend Patrick accompanying me and Jessica on my new guitar to Boy's Don't Cry, Stephanie dancing to James Taylor's You've Got a Friend, Jessica and me playing Space Station pinball at Sub's Unlimited Plus and then all of us driving around in my red Dodge Raider looking for my boyfriend Chip. This was such a perfect teenage day, and was my last innocent free day before I moved away to college the next morning.

May 1988--The day of the York County Jr. Miss pageant was such an exciting and fabulous day. This was also the last time I would ever be that skinny and tan in a white beaded gown.

November 1986--My friend Jessica and I had started going to Big City Under 21 Nightclub and they erected this cage in the middle of the dance floor. I distinctly remember us totally having a moment in the cage rocking out to a-ha's song The Sun Only Shines on TV. We thought we were so cool.

My Five Star Day

According to my horoscope, today is supposed to be a 5-star day. So, far nothing has happened beyond the ordinary. Here is my day so far...

7:30 AM--Wake up with MJ Cat's ass in my face
8:15 AM--Chase MJ up and down the steps as he escapes the apartment as I'm leaving for work
9:00 AM--Attend very boring all-company meeting
10:30-12:15PM--Return to office and work
12:15 PM--Pick up lunch from Wolfgang Sucks
12:30 PM-- Make copies to take to my boss who forgot to take them along for her meeting
12:30-1:30PM--Work
1:30PM-2:30PM--Go to H&R Block and get ripped off
2:30PM-3:45PM--Work
3:45PM-3:50PM--Quick personal call from my friend Joe to discuss his cat
5:00PM-5:30PM--Leave office and commute home
5:30PM-7:00PM--Chill out and watch NY1. Handwash bras.
7:00-8:00--Brazilian Tummy Tuck class at Equinox


That leaves only 4 hours for something spectacular to happen, because this so far, has not been a 5-star day!

I Love "Love is in the Heir"

I don't love her as much as I adore Austin Scarlett, but I have a bizarre fascination with "Princess" Ann Claire from the E! Reality Show, Love is in the Heir. For those of you who haven't watched it, the program chronicles the adventures of an exiled Iranian "princess" who is working hard to become a Nashville singer. She needs to prove herself to her parents, or they will financially cut her off and she will be forced to give up her personal assistant and Hollywood Hills pad. I won't tell you how it all works out, but I learned that if this crazy broad can call herself a princess, I am, in fact, a princess of the same degree.

MJ Cat Savant: Friday Catblog

Again this week, MJ Cat is answering questions on any topic. With his PhD in Cultural Studies, MJ is an expert on everything and anything. If you would like to "Ask MJ," send an email to nycbabylontips@aol.com.


Dear MJ: Is is it ever acceptable for a man to wear jewelry? Can I wear my diamond tiara to the Oscars?--Wyndham S.,NY, NY

Dear Wyndham: It's never acceptable for a man or a cat to wear any kind of jewelry unless it is a tasteful wedding band or cufflinks. This also applies for gay men unless you are unless, of course, the impeccable Austin Scarlett from Project Runway. Carson Kressley can't even get away with a diamond tiara. Are you going to the Oscars? I'd like to go. I don't get out much and I walk on leash and with my impeccable grooming and tasteful fur, I'd be a smash on the red carpet.

Dear MJ: Does anyone ever enjoy networking for business purposes?--Rachel A., NY, NY

Dear Rachel: I enjoy getting out of the house whenever I get the chance. Even social networking can lead to business deals. If it weren't my owner's social/business networking, I'd still be living in the basement of a restaurant. Just remember, always take the meeting.

Dear MJ: How do I get my baby off the bottle?--Diane A., New York, NY

Dear Diane: Thank god it's a baby. NYCBabylon recently was trying to get someone off the bottle and it ruined their relationship. I kind of keep this a secret, but I drink out of mug. Why don't you try offering your baby a tippy cup and just keep patiently trying. Training a baby is like training a cat. Just be patient, show affection and be persistent!

Dear MJ: What's the difference between sushi and sashimi? And what's the allure of the handroll?--Chris G, New York, NY

Dear Chris: You know how I like my fish raw and pure, but sashimi is my personal preference because I'm a cat. Sushi is fish over the rice. As for the handrolls, it's a great gimmick so you don't have to share with someone who wants to eat all of your roll!

Dear MJ: I'm going to Southern California in the Spring and don't know what to wear. What should I pack?--Ellen W., Washington D.C.

Dear Ellen: I'm not really into clothes, as I'm a cat, but I do watch Project Runway. You know those Banana Republic commercials that are on Project Runway showing the early Spring line? Those types of outfits would be great for L.A. Jeans, short sleeve silky tops and light-weight coats will make you look comfortable California cool.

Dear MJ: How can I surprise my husband for Valentine's Day?--Jessica H., New Boston, NH

Dear Jessica: I always like it when I get surprised with a cat-nip filled cigar and a cat massage.

Don't Think Twice, It's Alright

I'm reading Bob Dylan's Chronicles now, and I have to admit, I strive to one day to be able to poetically express myself like Bob.

I saw someone last night who broke my heart and it was hard to get my words out. I wish I could have just quoted Bob's great song Don't Think Twice, finished my drink and then went home to watch Project Runway.

I'm walkin' down that long, lonesome road, babe
Where I'm bound, I can't tell
But goodbye's too good a word, gal
So I'll just say fare thee well
I ain't sayin' you treated me unkind
You could have done better but I don't mind
You just kinda wasted my precious time
But don't think twice, it's all right

>

Austin Always in Style

Last night after seeing my ex who was trying his very hardest to act normal and composed, I was relieved to return home to see my favorite boy on TV, Austin Scarlett. Nobody can turn a dark night into pure sunshine like my boy Austin. Also, I was surprised today that other Web sites are now reporting on Austin one week after my pledge of allegiance to this new king of Reality TV fashion!

How cute is Phil? Like most men in my life, he's going to retreat for a few more weeks leaving me cold and alone.

Hamilton College's Decision

Over the past couple of days, I've received numerous emails, phone calls and have seen quite a bit of local coverage regarding Hamilton College's invitation to Ward Churchill to speak on a panel. Ward Churchill's recent statements comparing the victims of the 9/11 attacks to Nazi's and that the victims could be "blamed" caused a national controversy and upset many New Yorkers, victims' families and Jews, including myself. I'm also an alumna of the college and distraught that this is the second time this month that college would tarnish it's reputation with such careless management. The college sent out "special emails" to alums regarding the situation and has cancelled the lecture due to officials receiving "death threats." Frankly, I know that Hamilton is most concerned with losing donations from alums and our class president in the past has urged us to not give money when the school makes such poor decisions.

I have fond memories of my Hamilton years and am more than satisfied with the complete liberal arts education that I received. My former academic advisor and mentor actually directs the Kirkland Project which has been responsible for inviting these controversial speakers. I am conflicted because she taught me to wholeheartedly voice my opinions, to not be afraid to ask questions and to believe in my own accomplishments in order to become a successful independent female presence. A much needed liberal voice during my undergraduate years, she now seems to have cloudy business judgment from spending over twenty years in am ultra-conservative academic environment.

Coincidentally, I was out of work during the 9/11 attacks and was getting ready for a job interview at the WTC at 9:30AM that very morning. Also, I am still paying off my Hamilton College student loans.

Check Out that Cheney

This exact photograph represents what is wrong with our country today. For those of you still wearing Norwegian fishermen sweaters, THROW THEM AWAY! From now on, whenever I see someone wearing something completely inappropriate to an event, I will sneer in his face and then say to my date, "Check out that Cheney."

Big Black Hole Tuesday

After a busy week of dates and fine dining and fun, I'm again in the Big Black Hole. Perhaps the hole will appear less frequently once the temperatures rise. Here are my questions for this week:

1. What ever happened to that guy who sent me the song last week? He seems to have disappeared.
2. Why are so many Americans prejudice against Canadians?
3. Will the allergy shots really help me since I refuse to get rid of my cat?
4. What's the difference between the Procor and the Elliptical trainer?
5. Do blondes really have more fun?

Liev is My Golden Monkey

It's been a cold month, but for some odd reason when I do leave my house, I always find myself ass to ass on a couch beside actor Liev Schreiber. Ok, well, it's only been two times so far this month, but I'm starting to think that he's following me. I mean it's weird enough to run into some nobody all the time, but it's even weirder when you keep finding yourself next to New York's new Jerry Orbach. I first encountered Liev at work in the mid-90's when he was promoting Party Girl or Denise Calls Up or one of those forgettable movies and he seemed unhappy when I misplaced him for my friend's brother. Then, Liev played a character based on my old friend Ben in Walking and Talking and Ben is one of my favorite people which gave Liev a warm place in my heart. This New Year's Eve, two minutes before midnight, Liev sat his ass down on the couch beside me stealing my friend's seat and spilling her champagne glass. We toasted in the New Year together, he parted and he left me for some very skinny young broad. This was fine because I met someone I liked minutes later. On Friday night at Blue Ribbon, I was sat directly beside Liev who actually remembered our moment together "upstairs on the couch" during the first few seconds of 2005. As he was leaving, I handed him his gloves he left behind. I had to take this time to confess that truthfully, each time I see him, something really good happens to me afterwards and he replied, "So I'm your golden monkey?" Yes, Liev, you are my golden monkey whatever that means.

For more details of this exciting encounter, check out Beware of the Blog.

Ask MJ Cat: Friday Catblog

MJ Cat just earned his PhD in Cultural Studies from Trinity Online University. So, now MJ is able to answer questions and offer advice on any topic. Think of MJ Cat as a foxier furrier Dear Abby. From love advice to fashion tips to Oscar race predictions, MJ Cat has an answer for everything. This week, we sent out an announcement to our mailing list and received too many questions to answer this week. For those of you still seeking answers, he'll get to the more complicated questions next week.

Dear MJ: As a fashion statement, what do you think of the Navy Blue Norwegian fisherman's sweater? Now that it's cold and sweaters that have long been in storage are coming out of hiding, I'm just curious about your opinion.--Gotham Image, NY, NY

Dear Gotham: Are you being held hostage in the University Club or did you invent a time machine and are you writing me from Exeter in the year 1986? If so, you should be rich enough to go out and buy a new nice cashmere sweater. I'll take yours. It will warm up my cat bed.

Dear MJ: How do you play Ace King if you don't hit on the flop?--Adam H, New York, NY

Dear Adam: Learning from my weekly game with T.J. Cloutier, I think the ace king is the biggest trap hand in pot-limit and no-limit poker. We debate this issue every week, but we both agree that you should raise most of the time with the ace king. I usually fire another barrel in the hope of picking up the pot, but I'm an aggressive cat who has nine lives. Don't waste your one life entirely on poker.

Dear MJ: My husband travels a lot for business. I am often left home alone with little to do. Sometimes the travel takes a toll on our relationship. How do I keep the romance alive while he is gone? What should I do to occupy my time? -Alone and Anxious, NY, NY

Dear AA-Poor you. I sit home all day by myself. Watch TV, contemplate the oversaturation of Star Jones and sleep to pass the time. Get over yourself and enjoy your independence.

Dear MJ: I've recently noticed my cat joins me in the bathroom every time I shower. He seems to like to sit on the toilet seat when I step into the shower. Is he trying to keep warm this winter, or does he just like seeing me naked? Is my cat gay, basically is what I'm asking. -Beware of the Blog, NY, NY

Dear Beware,
That's so crazy cause I do the same thing! NYCBabylon has great tits and I love watching her in the shower.

Dear MJ: Who The Fuck Should I Vote for In The Coming Mayoral Election?
--The Scope, NY,NY

Dear Scope: Is Harvey Weinstein running? He'd be a good candidate for you. He's leaving Miramax, would scare the terrorists off and he smokes.

Dear MJ: I understand that over where you live, there is a new, expensive,
glossy, high production magazine dedicated to nothing but New York City dogs, their people and their Gotham doggy lifestyles. I have not, however, seen any such thing for cats. What do you and your person plan to do about this outrage?--Outraged in the Burbs

Dear Outraged: Listen, it's not cool for chicks to have cats here in the Big Apple while a dude with a dog signifies the owner has a big enough space to accommodate a large pet. I need my person to move into a bigger place and have some rich dog owner pay for it, so we are better off without any glossy cat mags laying around scaring off the fellows.

I love Austin!

Project Runway

If you haven't watched Bravo's fantastic reality show, tune into the Project Runway marathon. I so want that "Austin Scarlett look" and am bidding on this dress. Austin is my favorite person on TV right now. I want to become his hag.

Suffering Through the Pain

Steph's Sidewalk is, by far, my new favorite blog. Next Monday, I am finally going to the allergist for testing and I am not allowed to take any antihistimines this week so my nose is running, my eyes are itching and I have a headache. I had to hide the Claritin D in the back of the medicine cabinet to refrain from taking them. So, inspired by Steph's advice to "ditch the Advil and pop a prayer," I am going to have one serious heart to heart with Jesus to see if he can help me survive my antihistimine-free week. Look how the Lord helped Steph:

I felt the onset of a migraine headache...Each step I took seemed to vibrate shots of pain through my head and my nausea was on the brink of being promoted to full-fledged vomit...When I got back to my office I sat down, water in hand- ready to grab my Advil and be rid of this incessant pain. But for a moment- I stopped. I thought of this friend, who suffers through her pain so that she can really feel God’s healing touch, and so though I knew the Advil would have me pain free and lovin’ life, I declined. I put the bottle down and I bowed my head instead. It wasn’t instantaneous relief but it also didn’t last nearly as long as the 2 to 5 days they can sometimes last piled, with 1-3 Advil, every 2-4 hours. And the best part is- He placed his healing touch on me, not his temporary pain relief coupled with slight drowsiness and foggy mind touch, but his HEALING touch. He didn’t relieve my pain- He cured it!

Ditch the Advil and Pop a prayer!

I hope the Lord helps out this suffering Catholic Jew with the power of healing touch.

NYCBabylon Playlist

I've fully embraced my iPod and here in my playlist for today. Unfortunately, iTunes didn't include my entire list which includes some Sister Carol, Control Freq, Lloyd Cole and Velvet Underground.

Big Black Hole Tuesday

Here are my unanswered questions of the week:

1. What exactly is a blizzard? Why do people believe the weather channel?
2. Is Paul Giamatti upset about his Oscar snub? Who are these people that voted for Natalie Portman?
3. Is Mary Hart a robot?
4. Why hasn't he called?
5. How long will Trump's marriage last?

I Want You to Want Me

There is always that defining moment when the man you least expect to bravely steps up to the plate. He does something subtle, unexpected and sweet and your heart skips a beat. He has your full attention. Then, it all goes downhill from that one simple single gesture.

You know sooner or later the calls will stop coming and he will tell you he's severely bipolar, or he's an addict, or he's moving to LA or his ex-girlfriend showed up on his doorstep, but the bottom line is that he doesn't want to see you anymore. You will start to obsessively think about him and what went wrong and your mind will inevitably keep returning to that one single gesture he made to win you over. You will feel like a fool for falling for him.

And, then, you are back to square one.

It might just be a cheap trick, but today some guy named Michael sent me via email a sweet country cover version of I Want You to Want Me. This, my friends, was his gesture.

To be continued...

Jon Bon Jovi is Alive and I'm Gullible

Yesterday I received the following news that Jon Bon Jovi had committed suicide. I immediately called my very good friend Diane to console her, because she has been out as an admirer of Jon for many years. I left a message on her machine and also called her sister to make sure that she was going to be OK. Today, I found out that the entire story was a hoax from this site where you can make up your news. Diane, I'm sorry. Jon is alive and Beware of the Blog is an asshole and I'm a moron. I also apologize to anyone else I alerted of this fake news.

Respek! : MJ Cat's Friday Catblog

Sometimes my person lets other cats and dogs into my turf. If you want to come over, you better show me and her some respect. Here's how you play the game to win:

1. Don't come in to the apartment and announce you hate cats when you first meet me. That's just plain rude.
2. If you touch my person in a weird or inappropriate way, I might just bite you in the ass. Remember, I'm the one she's feeding, buddy.
3. Don't eat my food. That makes me angry.
4. If I run out in the hall as you are either leaving or going down to the deli, please catch me and take me back to the apartment. Don't make my lady run after me in her bare feet or nightgown.
5. I'll purr if you pet me in the right spot.

Respek! : Friday Catblog by MJ Cat

Sometimes my person lets other cats and dogs into my turf. If you want to come over, you better show me and her some respect. Here's how you play the game to win:

1. Don't come in to the apartment and announce you hate cats when first meet me. That's just plain rude.
2. If you touch my person in a weird or inappropriate way, I might just bite you in the ass. Remember, I'm the one she's feeding, buddy.
3. Don't eat my food. That makes me angry.
4. If I run out in the hall as you are either leaving or going down to the deli, please catch me and take me back to the apartment. Don't make my lady run after me in her bare feet or nightgown.
5. I'll purr if you pet me in the right spot.

Babylon Event

Tonight Kenneth Anger is making a rare appearance at MOMA. I thought it appropriate to advertise this on this blog. I will be there.

Nothing to Blog Home About

I don't have much to blog about this week. I'm sitting home and too cold/lazy to go outside. I can't wait until my February Caribbean vacation. I'm going back to my knitting now. I know. I'm lame this January.

Big Black Hole Tuesday: Globes Edition

Due to last week's popular post of questions, I've created some more Big Black Hole Questions. Perhaps this will become a regular Tuesday feature. These questions are all about the Globes.

1. Is the Association of the Foreign Press on crack? Natalie Portman? That terrible Peter Sellers movie? Annette Benning? Why?
2. How is it that people are saying that Teri Hatcher was the best-dressed woman at the Golden Globes? I HATED way Terri Hatcher looked. She looked like she was attacked by a stylist. And does she share a plastic surgeon with Joan Rivers? They have the same eyes.
3. Do I look better being very skinny, on-target or fat? I'm now on-target and blonde. Renee looks better blonde and fat.
4. Have Prince and Phoebe Cates found the Fountain of Youth?
5. What's the deal with Cate Blanchett's husband?

Tsunami Aid versus Live Aid

Like many people, I was able to watch the Live Aid DVD over the holiday season. Now, I am home making boeuf bourguignon to serve for my Golden Globes gathering. In the background, I have the tsunami relief concert on as I stir. I wonder if in twenty years if I will get as sentimental rewatching my Tsunami Relief DVD set? Will I tear up seeing a middle-age Madonna singing Imagine or will I think about the former close friendship of Matt and Ben? Will I wonder what the hell ever happened to Nelly? And where was Phil Collins? He should have come out for Tsunami relief. I need to call now and give some money. I'll have a heart attack if I get Clooney on the phone.

Just Asking

What grandson of an embalmed Communist dictator was out picking up an innocent downtown socialite at a party on Friday night on the LES? When she told her mother about an impending dinner date, her mother screamed, "No!" and nearly had a heart attack.

Don't Hiss Me Off: Friday Catblog by MJ Cat

You know, I am kind of hissed off today. Here's why:

1. It's cold and rainy and I can't go outside.
2. I can't talk on the phone and if I could I guess it wouldn't matter, because the phone really hasn't rung all week anyway.
3. I wish I had more space to run and play and hide.
4. There is nothing interesting on TV so I have to sit in the bathtub to pass time.
5. I am sick of dieting.
6. Last night, all the hard rain and loud sirens interrupted my sleep.

A Good Friend

I have this very good friend who was away on her honeymoon when I posted for what I was thankful over Thanksgiving. She was so far away that I accidentally left her off the list. Her traits as a person and a friend exemplify the true meaning of friendship. Here's what makes her such a good friend-
1. She's not judgmental.
2. She remembers everyone's name.
3. She provides wise advice on a large array of topics.
4. She sings a mean karaoke.
5. She is not competitive with her friends.
6. She's kind and thoughtful.
7. If someone is freaking you out at her party, she'll tell them to leave.
8. She always brings dessert.
9. She remembers all important days for all her friends.

The list can go on and on....

Big Black Hole Questions for the New Year

I feel as if I'm reentering that Big Black Hole where nobody calls me except the IRS who is auditing me for a year when I actually was unemployed and didn't work. I mean, don't they have better things to do rather than harass me and pay people to determine if I might owe them approximately $10? Here are the unanswered questions plaguing my mind. I don't think the answers exist.

1. Why did Jen and Brad break up? Do I even really care?
2. When is it acceptable to go all the way with a guy you already know you want? Do these rules even make a difference in the long run?
3. How long can one really work in the same job without feeling stale and useless?
4. Can pets transmit diseases to their owners?
5. What is wrong with Verne Troyer and Flavor Flav? Are they just desperate for money? Or for attention?

Jealous of Pussy

My friend told me a hilarious story last night. Her ex-boyfriend actually admitted to her that towards the end of their relationship, that he was jealous of her cat Cookie. If any of my suitors are reading this, please don't ever be jealous of MJ Cat. I love him, but he's my pet and you are a man and I can make you purr more than you can ever imagine.

Today's Points

I need to drop 10lbs FAST so I am back on the Weight Watcher's Points. Here is what I ate today and the point value of each item:


Lowfat Vanilla Yogurt-2 points
1 Egg- 2points
turkey on light bread-3 points
2 pickles-0 points
1 cup grapes-1 point
1 large apple 2 points
Total: 10 points

This leave me with 10 more points, and I am starving and don't know what to eat. I have a left-over pork chop in the fridge. Perhaps I can have that with some applesauce and corn and salad. That would be about a 7 point dinner which would leave me three points for an ice cream sandwich. Dieting is very hard work.

My Rules

If you want to get with me, these are my rules. While there are other subtle elements involved that cannot be defined on a universal basis, these are some basic hints that might just help anyone out.

1. Compliment me. I always fall for that type of admiration.
2. Take me on some kind of a date. A date is defined as any sort of prearranged meeting where I can wear a skirt, heels and proper undergarments. Ideally, I like to start getting ready three business days in advance, but if your writing schedule does not permit you to plan like this, I might make some concessions.
3. Be nice to me.
4. Pretend to be interested in my cat.
5. Tell me your rules so I can perhaps adjust mine.

Totally Wasting the Pretty

I've been out of commission. I've been in bed since Wednesday night when I actually vomited on a date. I wish I had received a flu shot, because this flu is horrible. If you feel yourself start to get dizzy and then break out in a terrible sweat and then actually vomit, I suggest you get your ass in bed as soon as possible. The date who had to carry me out of the restaurant and take my puking ass home in the cab has yet to call me to see if I am alive. That's just bad form.

Help me Make it Through the Night

Now we are all together in that downhill slide from New Year's Eve to Valentine's Day. Everyone seems depressed and the weather is cold and gray. Here are some things to look forward to in the upcoming month:

1. The Golden Globes
2. New season of American Idol
3. Martin Luther King Day
4. Losing 10 lbs.
5. Trying a new hair color
6. Going on a date with someone new
7. Wearing your new hat

OK, I am scraping now. When all else fails, go to Hollywood Tans.

Snack Shelf Life

After I wrote about my relationship with The Snack, I started a debate about dating younger men. Well, as the experiment comes to a close, I can now inform you that Snacks have a shelf-life of about one month. Here's some signs your Snack is getting stale:

1. He calls you when he is shopping with his mother at Macy's for a new coat. She's buying.
2. He cancels your dinner plans because his mom is making something really "good."
3. He spends more money on his drugs than taking you out on dates.
4. He confesses to you about his ex-girlfriend who was 17.
5. He tells you that you are really great even though you are old but makes fun of you for watching Oprah.

2005: Day One

Well, we are eight hours into the New Year and so far, everything is good except for the fact that I can't keep any food in my stomach. For those of you who were concerned about my holiday blues, I rang in the New Year with style. Here's how:

1. At the stroke of midnight, I found myself on a sofa beside two B-list actors. They sat down beside me when my friend Kristen got up to go to the bathroom. Kristen understood that I had to give up her seat as I am always up for toasting the New Year with semi-celebs. Although we all toasted in the New Year together, one of the self-important dudes rudely knocked my champagne glass over and did not apologize. I, however, think this was a good sign of a good year to come.

2. I actually got to dance to Don't Stop Believing by Journey.

3. As our escort, Kristen and I took out our Snack Brad Pitt look alike catsitter who turns out is really good with all kinds of cats.

New Year's Resolutions by MJ Cat: Catblog

Since tomorrow I am on vacation, here are my New Year's resolutions! Let's hope that 2005 is a saner and happier year for everyone.

1. I will not waste the pretty. I am one handsome cat. Don't forget it.
2. I will not gobble my food. I will enjoy each morsel.
3. I will lose 10% of my body weight by 2/1/05.
4. I will not bite the hand that feeds me. I will try to pay attention if someone calls my name.
5. I will work harder and try to get published somewhere other than this damned blog.

I'm serious about my resolutions!

The return section at Walmart the day after Christmas at 1:00 AM.

Top 10 Movies of 2004

Although I realize that every moron out there has his or her top 10 movie lists, here is mine for 2004.

1. Tarnation
This was so good I wish I had made it. Medium can save your life.

2. Baadasssss!
I am always up for any movie about the demytholigization of an asshole father figure. The Royal Tennebaums was the last great movie that successfully showed this psychological process. I'm also a sucker for any film about film. Mario redeems himself on all accounts through catharsis.

3. Before Sunset
How good is that last crazy scene from the point where she plays the Waltz until the very last second? Everybody went "Awww" in the theater. I'm not a romance movie kind of girl, but Ethan has never been better in anything than he has been in these Sunrise/Sunset movies and Julie Delpy is just so pretty and relatable. And that scene where she went to touch him but withdrew her hand made my heart shutter. God, I wonder what happened to that guy I met on the beach in the summer of 1992. I wonder if he reads this blog and will look me up one day?

4. Bad Education
Almodovar just keeps getting better and better. I was engrossed. I told my friend that this was Almodovar's least gay movie, and he knew what I meant. Also, doesn't Gael Garcia look just like Julia Roberts? Uncanny.

5. The Aviator
I'm a sucker for this type of Hollywood Babylon story. I'm also a sucker for Scorcese and Leo. What can I say? I loved it.

6. Kill Bill, Volume 2
I can't believe I'm confessing this but I cried hysterically at the end of Kill Bill, Volume 2. I hadn't cried so hard since I saw My Dog Skip. Uma's quest for independence was extremely moving. She fought her demons with class, patience and style.

7. Thirteen Going on Thirty
By far, this Hollywood blockbuster starring my least favorite tabloid actress was surprisingly entertaining and thoughtful. I always wish I could go back to being 13 knowing what I know now and be able to change my life by making better choices. I know a lot of women feel the same way.

8. Sideways
Everything you've read about it is true. This movie is perfectly constructed on all accounts. All the actors deserve Oscars.

9. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
This was the saddest movie I have ever seen in my life. I shouldn't have watched it immediately after being dumped because I felt like I was going to throw-up the entire film. Jim Carey is becoming my favorite serious actor. I wish he'd stop doing stupid comedies.

10. The Dreamers
This movie was sexy and Michael Pitt is one SMF. Watching this movie and the Prince show were two of my most public heated moments of 2004. I bought the soundtrack.

Cat Earns MBA

MJ Cat has a MA in Cinema Studies from NYU and is on his way to earning his doctorate. He hasn't finished his dissertation yet which examines all Felix the Cat movies under the context of Ludwig Wittengenstein's texts and theories. He earns his keep by catching mice at a restaurant and is negotiating now for an Alpine Cat Scratcher for his recent conquest of ten mice. Like this cat,he should have received an online MBA from Trinity Southern University, because he'd be earning a lot more money than he does at his current job with his crappy Cinema Studies MA.

Holiday Blues

Well, Christmas is over and now I have a serious case of the holiday blues. Here's why:
1. I am out of vacation days and have to go back to work this week.
2. I gained five pounds.
3. I need a new love interest. I still miss Mr. Book still and The Snack is getting on my nerves.
4. I'm cold and my skin is drying out from the heat.
5. My hair color is fading and my colorist moved to Ohio.
6. I've spent too much time with my sister and mother who gang up on me and pick on me and treat me as if I were a child.
7. I miss my pet back home.
8. I feel as if I have nothing to look forward in the next few months.
9. I hate the month of January.
10. I hate New Year's Eve and the pressure to have fun surrounding it, yet I don't want to sit home alone with my cat.

Happy Holidays from MJ Cat. We'll be back next week.

The Men of 2004

This is a list of the best (not all) of the men I dated in 2004. These are the men who inspired me, drove me crazy, consumed me and pissed me off and, yet, made my year memorable. Compared to 2003, I must confess it's been a busy year. Despite being so busy, it's been passionate and I actually miss spending time with some (not all) of them. As always, I've changed their names, not to protect the innocent but to protect myself.

The Music Man (November 2003-February 2004)
Looking back, I can't say why he was in my life. To see what prompted me to tell him to never call me again, please refer to my Brunch Etiquette tips. I do not miss him at all. I went through a period where I dated eccentric weirdos and he was fortunately my last.

The Playboy Auctioneer (December 2003-April 2004)
Although we technically never dated, I spent a lot of time and cold nights with this man last Winter. We both enjoyed reality television, smoking, gossip and text messaging. I loved watching him on PBS and he loved that I loved watching him on TV. Also, he really did make me laugh. At the time, I had a hard time admitting that I actually really liked him because he was a close friend of one of my best friends and I felt that I had to put my guard up. Things ended after he went on a business trip to the Czech Republic and met some woman while he was there. When he returned, this "most eligible bachelor" told me we couldn't see each other "that way" anymore and I don't think he wanted to be friends after I referred to his new woman as his "Czech whore." It took me a couple of months to get over him.

First Step (April 2004-July 2004)
Rebounding from the Playboy Auctioneer, I met First Step at a coffee shop. I even dragged my ass to eat Thai food and watch Netflix with him in his Brooklyn apartment. He used to send me video messages at work where he would go into the closet at his office and sing songs for me. While I realize this sounds very cheesy, it always made my day. Unfortunately, First Step had just entered AA the previous month and wasn't really allowed to be dating so I called it off in both of our best interests.

Full Bodied (July 2004-August 2004)
I really didn't like him, but he was just kind of around and told me how hot I was and how he just loved my "full body." Paranoid about the "full bodied" comment, I immediately stopped eating, but my friends assured me that I looked fine and that he was just into T&A. He ended our affair over email (he had a girlfriend) and I actually forgot about him until I just wrote this. I can't even remember his last name.

The Nice Guy (May 2004-July 2004)
A DJ at a club I used to frequent, The Nice Guy was extremely nice. We went out on many dates and I even went to see his band play a couple of times. I never put out at all because I just never really dug him and I can't quite say why. I found an easy "out" after his entire gastro system shut down in some sort of freak illness and he had to go into the hospital and be fed through a tube.

Mr. Book (August 2004-October 2004)
Out of all the men I have dated in the past couple of years, I had the strongest feelings for Mr. Book. He was extremely smart, handsome, fun, funny and just easy to be around. He even showed me the warts on his foot on our first date. On our second date, he told me that he really liked me and I remember feeling this great sense of relief and optimism. I still don't quite understand why it ended other than he became clinically depressed. While our affair was brief, I confess that I miss him and the process of getting to know him. He bought me this large wall mirror that I have hanging above my couch and whenever I look at myself in it, I see his dimples smiling back at me. I hope he can find his own smile again.

Non-Alcoholic (October 2004)
Trying to Not Waste the Pretty after the Mr. Book fallout, I quickly rebounded. I liked him because he has been sober for over ten years and he mentally just seemed "there" and "into me." Unfortunately, I was a mess and mentally "not there." I royally fucked it up with him on our third date by calling him Mr. Book's name during a moment of passion. All I can say the timing was off and he was a really nice guy with a great ass.

The Spanker (November 2004)
Although we had met years ago, I had one date this year with the Spanker. We only had one date because instead of kissing me goodnight like a regular date, he pushed me against the wall and spanked me. I might be crazy, but this scared me and I didn't respond to the crazy email he sent me. After this date, my friends put me on dating probation which I am technically still on until January.


The Snack (December 2004-present)
Although I am technically still on probation, I am allowed to spend time with The Snack because he makes me happy. And to all of those who keep asking me, I confess now that I actually kind of like him. OK, I really like him BUT THIS WILL NOT GET SERIOUS. It's just that he's uncomplicated, sweet, kind and fun. I am looking forward to spending the day with him tomorrow.

MJ Cat Attacking the Tree

Don't Eat the Tree: Friday catblog

Don't Eat the Tree: A Holiday Catblog Poem by MJ Cat

I can't help it if I want to eat the Christmas tree
It looks a special feline gym
Custom-made especially for me.
Every bite I take is tainted with bitter apple spray
But the tree is just so shiny and pink,
I can't keep my paws away.
The tree doesn't have any lights
because I'll fry myself
with my crazy cat bites.
Christmas makes me really sad
Because I keep hearing the words,
"Stop it, Max, you are so bad!"

Things I Hated 2004

1. Jessica Simpson. Her Christmas album is the worst recording I have ever heard.
2. The Anna Nicole Trimspa commercial where she pretends to be a cat. It is insulting to cats.
3. The Bachelor is so over. I hate all dating reality shows.
4. Judith Regan. She's boring and has too much botox.
5. Old TV shows turned into bad major motion pictures.
6. Following the Weight Watchers points. I'm starting to get sick of this.
7. student loans
8. Separating my laundry
9. running out of toilet paper
10. ex-wives and ex-girlfriends of current boyfriends
11. drunken celebrity speeches at award shows
12. annoying coworkers who ask stupid questions and schedule unnecessary meetings
13. bad customer service at expensive stores
14. when my hair is not the way I want it to be
15. cold windy rainy weather
16. finding any sort of lump in my body and waiting for test results
17. Creating my monthly report for work
18. Waiting in line at TJ Maxx
19. My Sprint PCS contract
20. Restricted phone calls
21. when my mother hangs up on me to talk to my sister
22. Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Kelly Ripa
23. mayo
24. ketchup
25. cheese
26. relish
27. when I screw up the Netflix return envelope and tear off the sticky strip
28. computer crashes
29. working in Hoboken
30. not making enough money to support my lifestyle
31. Hillary Swank--I'd wish she'd just give up
32. when friends have a nervous breakdown
33. Billy Bush on Extra
34. The way my cat won't eat out of the bowl and only food from off the floor
35. cab motion sickness
36. Guys who say they will call you, and don't
37. Cash Bar
38. The ongoing feeling that a terrorist attack can happen at any time
39. Doing the dishes
40. Britney Spears and Kevin Federline
41. Pet abuse
42. The results of the 2004 Presidential election
43. Monday mornings
44. Inefficient clerks at check-out counters
45. "Storm watches"
46. Condi Rice
47. Sleepless nights
48. The amount of money it now costs to take a taxi
49. Disappearing boyfriends
50. Allergies and asthma

My Balls

Here is the recipe for my meatballs.
1/2 pound ground beef
1/2 pound ground pork
1/2 pound ground veal
1 egg slightly beaten
2 cloves minced garlic
1/4 cup grated Parmagianno cheese
1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley
1 cup breadcrumbs
2 tbs. red wine
salt
pepper
1 tbs. tomato paste


These are all approx. measurements because I never really measure. Put the garlic and parsley in your food processor. Chop it up. In a large bowl combine all other ingredients and mix up with your hands. Round the balls in your hands. Above is what a finished plate should look like. Good luck!

This is for readers who wanted a better photo from Friday's catblog.

Gates of Heaven: RIP Dear Stanley

When I was a little girl growing up in York, PA, I had a best friend. His name was Stanley and he was a perfect little beagle. He just appeared one day in our yard and ran into our house and ate a houseplant. My parents put an ad in the paper and called the SPCA, but nobody claimed him. My mother said I could keep him. We spent many happy hours together. He could do many tricks including rolling over, singing softly or loudly, dancing on his hind legs and playing dead. Stanley, however, was a restless dog and used every chance he could get to escape our house and roam the neighborhood. One day, Stanley was hit and killed by a truck on Market Street and a man carried the dead animal to our doorstep. I still clearly remember the image of seeing my best friend lying motionless in a stranger's arms. This was my first encounter with death. I was six years old. My parents buried Stanley in a satin-lined coffin and placed a marker on his grave at the Grandview Pet cemetery. I always found comfort as a little girl knowing that Stanley would lie in eternity surrounded by other beloved pets. In times of trouble, I still dream of Stanley. He speaks to me in dreams and offers me advice.

Today my mother called to tell me about an article in the paper announcing that the pet cemetery had been turned into a yard and was no longer in business. Over Christmas holiday, I plan to return to his burial site and claim his marker and pay respects by leaving one more wreath for my beloved best friend. If any of you readers have pets buried at this location, here is the information:

Gravemarkers

Jack McGraw said people who have pets buried in what was once Grandview Pet Cemetery in Codorus Township and want to have their gravemarkers as a keepsake may contact him at 428-9131. He said he will set up appointments for people to retrieve their markers, but they must know where the markers are. McGraw does not have maps or burial records showing where all the plots are.

Holiday Entertaining Tips

Tonight I hosted what I thought was a great small holiday dinner party. My theme was the Goodfellas Hannukah dinner. Here are the ingredients for a successful evening with your friends:

1. Meatballs, sausage and Italian gravy with Rigatoni. (I cooked for six hours. This is a bigger deal than it sounds.)
2. Steroid eyedrops for friends allergic to your pet
3. Live Aid DVD set (my friend brought this as a gift and we were all riveted.)
4. Red Stripe beer and red wine
5. The Meat Plate (A plate of just Italian meats with no cheese. I include grapes.)
6. Italian Christmas Cookies for desert.

Don't Shake the Tree: Friday Catblog

I know from personal experience that the holidays can make any cool cat get out of control. No bitter apple solution or water sprayed in my face or scolding can keep me from chewing on the Christmas Tree. I don't have a lot of outlets so this is how I go nuts during the holidays. Be sure to control yourself over the holidays or someone might surprise you with bitter apple when you least expect it.
1. Don't get too drunk or crazy at your holiday parties. Be professional and only have one drink if any at all. I hear Shirley Temples are back in vogue.
2. Remember to send your holiday cards. I keep pro-cat-inating on this task.
4. Stop eating so much. You don't want to be fat in 2005.
5. Have fun. I always feel that the period between New Year's Day and Valentine's Day is just one downward depressive slide.
6. Don't spend all your money. I tend to get a little too generous over the holidays. I bought my owner a lot of presents this year and I don't have any money.

Don't Waste the Pretty 2005

Last night at 1:30AM, I had an epiphany about why that book "He's Just Not that Into You" is such a phenomenon. Oprah rebroadcast her episode yesterday featuring the authors talking about the book. In any case, I finally understood the message of the title when Greg said to a woman waiting for a man to ask her out, "Don't Waste the Pretty." So, for 2005, I am going to make every effort to follow this advice. I'm a smart hot piece of ass, so from now on, I am not accepting any shit from immature male morons. I don't believe in New Year's resolutions, but for the first time, I am making one. IN 2005, I AM NOT GOING TO WASTE THE PRETTY. Here's how:
1. I will not wait for men to call me. Rather than sit by the phone, I will go out with Snacks and enjoy myself.
2. I will not ever let myself become a second-tier woman. I will not accept any dates unless they are made at least three business days in advance.
3. I will not accept or go on booty calls, unless I am the caller. If I do go on one, and the man is passed out from too much Wild Turkey and doesn't open the door, I will not accept any additional dates with him.
4. If he's too busy, I will immediately move on. Bicoastal men are now out of the question.
5. I will not go out with married men.
6. I will stay away from addicts.
7. I will follow my instincts. As Oprah said, "If you ever have doubt, don't do it."

Running Scared: Christmas Carols for the Blogosphere

I know that Running Scared has a love/hate relationship with this blog, but he was kind enough to actually include me in his Christmas Song "My Favorite Blogs." I'm impressed with the Reluctant Republican's creativity. I think I'll write an Xmas rap when I can get a free evening away from the Snack.

Do Not Get Closer

I can finally report on the most overrated and pretentious movie of the year. Laughable in the wrong places, poorly adapted and terribly acted, Closer is this year's Mystic River. Frankly, it's standard pretentious middlebrow "crap" posing as intellectual arthouse fare. Closer markets itself relying on pretty faces and a soundtrack. Julia Roberts seems like she's subtly acting because the character she plays is so poorly written. It's clear that she doesn't even understand her own role yet alone her connections to the other characters. Natalie Portman is terribly miscast and delivers one of the worst performances of the year. I laughed out loud during her final scene when she spit in Jude Law's face and I wanted to slap her throughout most of the movie. I don't think Mike Nichols intended this to be the laugh-out-loud moment of the year, but I couldn't control myself. I always want to spit on Natalie Portman anytime I see her in any movie or giggling on Bleeker Street with her friends. The 90's are so over now, and the days of Neil LaBute self-congratulatory nastiness seem tired and dull. Spend your money on Sideways.

The Joy of Snacking with Younger Men

Otherwise known as "tadpoling," I discovered what I like to call "snacking" last night. I was explaining to my friend that I had a date with a man in his early 20s and she said, "Oh great...a snack!" After dating older men for the past couple of years and being burnt and confused by their complicated baggage, I have to confess, I enjoyed my evening with The Snack. I recommend to all you single women, find yourself a Snack for the holidays! If you don't overindulge, you might just fill up without gaining any unnecessary baggage weight. Here's why:

1. Most snacks don't have careers that take up too much of their time. They never really have to work late and if they do, they are not too tired to see your old ass.
2. Some Snacks live with their parents which I think might be better than a man actually being a parent. It's much easier to compete with parents, than with children.
3. Snacks like to go out and know of all the new places and secret parties. This can be fun and beats sitting home with you cat on Saturday night.
4. Snacks have A LOT of energy which can manifest itself in many pleasing and satisfying ways.
5. Snacks will text-message you how much they miss you even if they just saw you an hour ago.
6. Snacks think you are very cool and smart. They are in awe of your presence. They are not afraid to tell you this to your face.
7. Snacks have smooth skin and hard bodies.
8. You have the power in the relationship. This is a great remedy to help you forget the last man who sideswiped you and broke your heart.
9. Snacks are uncomplicated. They still have the optimism of youth rather than the pessimism that comes with an ex wife or a failed career. They are hopeful.

Warning: Don't rely on Snacks, as there is little chance, they will ever become a meal.

Holiday Dieting Tips from MJ Cat: Friday Catblog

Like most Americans, I struggle with my weight. I don't want to be a fat cat, so here are my December dieting tips.

1. Don't be a live garbage disposal. Eat your portion and don't eat off other people's plates.
2. Watch the Pounce treats! Mindless snacks can add on the pounds.
3. When you are done eating, hide your bowl. Dining at 3AM is just not necessary.
4. If you go to a party, only hit the buffet table once and watch out on the tossed treats (passed appetizers.)
5. Eat deliberately and slowly. As you can see, I throw my food on the floor and eat one chow at a time. Don't gobble.
6. Drink a lot of water. This can fill you up.
7. Remember, it's always better to look good than to feel good! Meow!

Back to my Youth

Here is a recipe for a Grasshopper Cocktail I don't have time to write today. I have a date with a twentysomething. The ban has been lifted!

Family Style Holidays: My Worst Nightmare

The holidays were traumatic enough when my parents were together. Check out this article about "Happy Divorces" and how divorced families are now spending the holidays together. I can't imagine spending Thanksgiving Tennenbaum style. My last memory of spending a holiday with my complete family together involved my sister throwing a steaming bowl of matzo ball soup in my mother's face. As punishment, my father dragged my screaming sister to her bedroom by her ponytail while my mother said nothing and ate another bowl of soup. It was all surreal because I was intoxicated from one too many grasshoppers. I was eight years old.

MSNBC - Happy Divorce

Wedding Contest in the Post

I think I need to enter this, even if it is only a fantasty and a lie. The New York Times Weddings is starting to bore me. I'm sick of reading about old boyfriends getting married for the second time.

I lost Miss Subways and they didn't name a street corner after me, so perhaps I can fabricate a love story for myself and I can win this sweepstakes!

New York Post Online Edition: contests