Sunday, September 18, 2011


we made it through the wilderness...

Thursday, August 04, 2011

Don't Come the Cowboy With Me, Sonny Jim

Pandora can be psychic. This Kirsty MacColl classic completely summarizes my state of mind right now.

Wednesday, August 03, 2011

Back to Black

I never quite understood why people have "mid life crises" until now that I am approaching my 40th birthday in 3 weeks. How in the hell did I become a combination of Marlo Thomas in That Girl combined with Little Edie combined with Blanche from the Golden Girls? It's enough to make mew want to go out and blow all my savings and take up with a 22 year old hipster from Williamsburg. I am questioning where the hell did the all the time go and wtf did I accomplish in it and I'm not so sure. I found so much confidence in my 30s and now I feel like my core is somewhat shaken. So, to you all you single ladies approaching 40 in the next few weeks, I recommend the following as I'm trying very hard to follow my own advice and while it's hard, it's somehow pulling me through...
1. Be an emotional risk taker. You have nothing to lose and put yourself out there while you can still walk and reach menopause. Love those back that care about you.
2. Blow money on good times while you can still have them.
3. No matter what, do not get another cat. (I almost did this and I'm glad I didn't or it would have distracted from my travels.)
4. Travel and have fun.
5. Be gentle with yourself. I always hear this phrase from my friends who have emerged from the depths of hell.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Last Couple Days on Earth

Is the end of the world on Saturday, May 21st? Should I be nervous about this? I've been anxious enough as it is and now it could perhaps all come to an end....

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Biggest Mistakes of My Life

I am in the process of being considered to adopt a three-legged cat. My mother who every day becomes more of a curmudgeon gave me the unsolicited advice that if I get this cat, I'm going to make "the worst mistake" of my life. Well, for the record, I've made a lot bigger mistakes in my almost 40 years. Here they are (not in order).

1. Sitting on the floor of the car while our German Shepard was sitting on the seat while my dad was listening to the CB radio which resulted in a dog bite across my face resulting in a scar and almost losing an eye.
2. Not saving any money in my 20s resulting in major financial hardships and credit issues that have taken many years to resolve.
3. Not considering the proposal with the love of my life in my 20s resulting in a situation where I'm a lonely old maid considering adopting a three-legged cat.
4. The time I knocked over the vase of flowers during an interview at Vogue.
5. Knocking out my front tooth winding up a tennis net.
6. Bleaching my own hair after watching Lost Highway.

See, I don't make many mistakes.

Monday, February 28, 2011

Lady Madonna

After all the boring Oscar fashion, I was actually relieved to see Madonna forgot her pants at the Vanity Fair party.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

83rd Oscar Liveblog

Melissa Leo is not only the most annoying actress but also the worst dressed.
6:30 PM
Welcome to my annual Oscar liveblog. I'm gearing up and making dinner while watching the red carpet. I predict that Anne Hathaway will bomb and that Celine Dion will sing. I'm routing for Social Network and Aronofsky. Oh, I am getting a late start because I went crazy at the Loehmann's Italian event where I got into the Oscar spirit by buying a couple of Valentino jackets.
I'm still in red carpet hell with Guiliana The Panda and Kelly Osbourne. What are their credentials as fashion critics? I lost weight and I didn't get a column in Vogue. All of these girls all look so styled. What happened to personal taste? I prefer to see mistakes than the vision of Rachel Zoe. Oh, shit. It's Celine Dion. Told you'd she would sing.

Thank God for Sharon Stone.

Getting ready for the telecast. I am wishing the following will win:
Best Picture: Social Network
Actor: James Franco
Actress: Michelle Williams
Director: Aronofsky

Also, I will be taking a bathroom break when Paltrow sings. I can't stand her.

Anne Hathaway is not funny. When I was working as a stand up, actors would try to be funny. They couldn't. This hosting gig is going to really hurt her career. That opening was unwatchable.

Max is skeptical about this telecast.

Why didn't they let Kirk Douglas host? Oh, no. Now I have to listen to that egomaniac Leo. I guess paying for your own campaign pays off. That speech will go down as one of the worst in Oscar history.

Kirk Douglas in better days. He, however, is funnier than Hathaway.

Sorkin will win but let's talk about the Bardem/Brolin sandwich. I actually have met and spoken to both of them and they as nice as they are handsome.

Now, that's a sandwich.

I want to beat the shit out of Hathaway. This is more painful than a middle school talent show. Franco is on the Pineapple Express tonight.

This is worse than Inception.

I don't understand this fake tension between Hathaway and Jackman. I mean, what was that bad joke about his being the wolver to her rine? And what was that weird out of place summer camp cabaret number Hathaway performed? This may be the worst Oscars ever. Also, I know this is an unpopular opinion, but Reese Witherspoon looks ridiculous.

Wolfman won for makeup but my bf wasn't nominated this year.

Franco looks so high I'm not sure he'll make it through the show. Oprah is very fat tonight on my HD TV.

Shout out to my alma mater! Go Tisch! Thank god for God of Love and Luke Matheny's speech and hair.


What the hell did Billy Crystal do to his face? Dead Oscar hosts are better than the ones alive today.

Yes, we live in a crazy world where Gwyneth Paltrow can win an Oscar
and sing a nominated song. I'd like to see Randy Newman and Kirk Douglas as hosts next year.

It's karaoke time.


Told you Celine would sing.

Max thinks this In Memorium is a real yawn.

James Franco can't keep his eyes open. Natalie Portman is now an Oscar winner.

Michelle, you had my vote.

Oscars are almost over. Steven Spielberg is looking very Boca tonight. Anne Hathaway should not be allowed to ever host a show again for the rest of her life. James Franco needs a urine test. Melissa Leo needs to disappear for awhile. Arnofksy should shave his stache. Christian Bale needs to shave his beard. Where is Angeline Jolie? And the winner is, The King's Speech. Thank God for PS22 to end on a good note.

The look of regret.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Bite It and Write It

I have been pigging out for a year straight at too many fancy restaraunts and bad take out food. As I start my new role and a new year, I'm back on the trusted Weight Watchers diet which always work WHEN I FOLLOW IT.  But, as I joined online yesterday to "bite it and write it," I was very confused because they changed how the points work. I mean, I was used to 19-23 points per day with 10 bonus points + activity. Now, I have like 35 points a day and 49 weekly and they don't count calories anymore and a glass of wine is now  4 points but what is a glass of vodka? And, I desperate need the online tool to keep track for me but I don't know how to count anything anymore.  So, you had to change the program because morons where choosing a pack of 100 pt. Oreos versus a banana? Actually, I saw people do that. This all better work. If I seem cranky the next few months it is because I'm living off egg whites, pickles and bananas.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Favorite Movies 2010

Since the Oscar nominations come out tomorrow, I wanted to release my list of favorte films of 2010. While many critics deliver their "best" lists, I always prefer to list my favorites as these are based on personal taste, experience of watching the film (a bad date can really ruin a movie) and their emotional impact on me. Timing is also crucial.

1. True Grit-Best line, "Well, that didn't pan out."
2. Black Swan-It's not a great movie but ever since I saw it, when I start going crazy from craving perfection, I now say, "I'm going Black Swan."
3. Somewhere-Chateau Marmont...need a I say more?
4. King's Speech-As my friend Todd always points out, I love any movie about a middle-aged man with a speech impediment (i.e. Sling Blade.) As my sister knows, I love the Queen Mother. Of course, I loved this movie.
5. Toy Story 3-Yes, I cried at the end and missed my old stuffed animals.
6. Another Year-As I get older, I like to see movies about old people.
7. Blue Valentine-I peed during the big nc-17 scence but it was still the saddest movie I saw all year. Is it me, or is Michelle Williams a great actress?
8. Social Network: Why in the hell am I not a billionaire?
9. Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work: Joan writes every joke on an index card and files it. Inspirational.
10. Exit Through the Gift Shop: Saw this right after my Spring obsession with Marina Abramovic at MOMA.

Now, get ready for the NOMS!

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Team Kim Richards

I have to confess, I actually teared up during the finale of Housewives of Beverly Hills. I hate admitting that I watched it and all season and that I was mesmerized with Camille Grammer's plastic surgery. But, the real star of this reality series was Kim Richards and I'm on Team Kim and and think Kyle is the meanest and most vindictive person I have ever witnessed on reality TV. Kyle holds such unresolved resentment and bitterness toward her sister and her willingness to belittle Kim on national television  was inexcusable no matter what has happened between them throughout the years. I feel disgusted that BRAVO actually aired this (although it was gripping.) The relationships of sisters is complicated and sometimes messy, but despite the fights I have my sister, I would NEVER go into it on an Andy Cohen orchestrated show on BRAVO. After seeing this episode and crying at the severity at the end, I wanted to say I love my sister Ellen and no matter what happens between us, I WILL NEVER GO KYLE RICHARDS ON YOU and I know you will never leave me crying alone in the back of a limo on BRAVO. Love you, sis.

Friday, January 21, 2011

West Village Pool Scandal

As many of you know, I disappear to secret outdoor spaces and beaches during the summer. One of my trusted places of refuge on hot summmer days has always been the pool located above the Printing House. There I hang with former 70 teen idols, Playboy bunnies, old Village ladies and washed up rock stars. I develop a tan starts in mid-May that lasts through the end of September. My hair turns green and I swim laps with a kickboard. Along with my gyno, one of my longest relationships in NYC has been my committment to this space and the people who go there. Over the past couple of months, Equinox purchased the Printing House threatening my private sanctuary. They are stating they will "renovate" the pool, but I fear publicity and dues will rise and my glorious summers with Jimmy, Alice, Denize and even fat Carla will end. Goodbye, old friend. Even if they surround you in bamboo and create more seating, it just won't be the same. I suppose now I'll need to spend more time at the beach.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Things I Hated 2010

Things I Hated 2010
It is that time of the year when I list all the things I hated in 2010.
1. Winter hats shaped like animals.
2. The use of the word "meh" to describe a medicore emotion. I've hated this now for three years in a row.
3. The overuse of the non-word "impactful" in meetings.
4. When Max gets sick with bladder stones.
5. When men don't pick up the check. I realize this is old-fashioned but I love when he does.
6. When my colorist does not listen to me and follow my instructions.
7. Bad disgusting sandwiches at lunch meetings.
8. Community and Parks and Recreation...boring!
9. When Jenny my cleaning woman throws my shit away without asking.
10. The fact I missed a year of blogging due to corporate stress.
11. Members on task forces who do not do tasks.
12. Crying at work.
13. People who think it's OK to voice homophobic comments in front of me.
14. That period between 4-5PM when you need a taxi and you can't get a taxi.
15. When Justin Beiber tries to be cool
16. Willia H. Macy
17. mayo
18. ketchup
19. cheese
20. relish
21. Every fall when I realize moths have ruined 1/2 of my cashmere
22. Young girls who "Tweet" and think they are digital experts. Not true.
23. Sitting on the runway
24. Cold calls
25. 8AM meetings
26. Having my order messed up at a restaurant
27. Having to fire someone
28. Bras that don't fit after being "fitted"
29. Below freezing temps
30. Men who don't follow up.