Sunday, February 26, 2012

Oscar Liveblog 2012

It's the biggest night of my year-The Oscars. My friend Ken just called me and told me he thinks of me more on this night than my birthday. As the red carpet is on, I'm prepping dinner and gathering my thoughts before the big show at 8:30. Here are some things you need to know about how I feel about the red carpet.
1. I hate Guiliana The Panda Rancic. I think she's a terrible interviewer and is like a Kardashian turd...talentless and boring. I miss Joan and Melissa.
2. What is up with Kelly Osborne's hair? How did she get this job?
3. Yikes! Bernice Bejo just showed up and lost her first chance of looking like a movie star...bad hair and she looks washed out in her dress.
4. I am not a George Clooney fan although he was OK in The Descendants. I'm more of a Brad Pitt fan and loved Moneyball.
5. The Artist is my favorite runner in tonight's telecast.
6. Tilda Swinton was robbed of a nomination.
Lost fashion opportunity.
Clooney's broad dresseds up like a trophy.

Why does Viola Davis look like she has aged 20 years since the SAG Awards?
Ryan Seacrest gets the ashes of a dead body thown on him on the Red Carpet. This has been the highlight...and I love Sascha Baron Cohen...Ryan can't seem to recover..

Gwyneth vies for this year's Madame award.

Bitch stole my look!
What is wrong with Billy Crystal's face? Prednisone? Botox? Doesn't matter. This has got to be better than last year's fiasco. Oh, god they are making him do the song.
Will Hugo win best picture? It just might...picking up cinematography and art direction?
Who is responsible for these jokes tonight? I want names.
Are we supposed to see J Lo's nip?
I kind of wanted Melissa McCarthy to win.....and I need to know what color lipstick JLo is wearing...but congratulations to Octavia Spencer.
Who focused grouped these Christopher Guest clan jokes? . I'd love to see him in a film with Melissa McCarthy. "Dirty Little Monkeys..."
Bradley Cooper looks weird with a mustache, btw.
Miss Piggy actually looks better than some humans. I also dislike Cirque de Soleil more than Pilobolus. Where's Debbie Allen when you need her?
Lots of cats in the Animated Category, but best goes to Rango which was a great film.
Jesus, this is boring.....who is writing these jokes? Bruce Villanch? I hope to god they don't bring out Yo Yo Ma and perform Man or Muppet!

Penny and Owen can't even spice this up.
Yes, Man or Muppet won best song! Most exciting award of the night! But, why didn't they perform it?

Where's Jack Turner?
This may be my favorite dress of the night.
Thank god for Michael Douglas to add some star power to the evening.
Death montage coming favorite part.

Max pays his respects.

Who is this?
a. Kenny Rogers
b. Santa Claus
c. Nick Nolte
I hope my boyfriend DeJardin wins!
I think I need to confess right now-I loved Moneyball.
So glad that hack Clooney didn't win! Go Jean D! Just don't let Hollywood turn you into a Banderas!
Colin Firth is so hot that straight men are texting me to tell me so.
Meryl, no need to look surprised. You deserved it!
OK, we're at the end now.

Tom is still the cat's ass. And, Uggie is there!

Ok, it's done and I'm tired. Good night.