Thursday, March 03, 2005

Striking Out in the Dominican Republic

These are the men my friend Kristen and I met in the DR. Although we didn't hook up with any guys, I did learn important life lessons from our new friends. Here are the men we met in the DR:

1. Canadian Pro-Bowlers: We met them within 10 minutes of arriving. Rob, the head pro-bowler, approached us in the pool bar as we were sampling our first taste of the addictive Coco Loco cocktail. Rob was escorted by his friends RC and Schmittie. On our last night, we invited them to meet us to smoke cigars. RC never spoke except to give fashion commentary on the Oscars. We're going to visit them for the Calgary Stampede. Rob invited us to stay in his house, but we think that might be a little weird and his wife Monique (who we never met) might be pissed. Rob resembled Sam Elliot in the movie Mask and has made me rethink about the type of men that I should be dating.

2. Taxi Driver: I had only been in town for less than five minutes, when our driver Pedro proposed to me. His wife had left him and taken their daughter back to Santo Domingo and he was living with his grandfather in a hut. Impressively, I conducted this entire conversation in Spanish. If you ever plan to go the DR, gain a little weight before your trip. The locals dig a fat ass and you will be treated like a celebrity.

3. The Wheeler: Kristen and I were fascinated by this one dude who used his own feet to rapidly wheel himself in his own wheelchair. His Pamela Anderson type woman always was lagging behind him. Kristen saw him get out of his chair at the buffet and she claims he was entirely fully mobile. The next time I go on vacation, I'm getting a wheelchair so I can get through the terrible Miami airport much faster.

4. Fat Man Skinny Man: Fat Man Skinny Man were our favorite men. Fat Man was really really fat and Skinny Man was really really skinny. Fat Man wore a bathing suit with his ass crack hanging out along with a green bandana tied around his forehead. He always had a cigarette hanging out from his top lip, even when he was in the outdoor shower. Skinny Man was so skinny that his ribs showed through his skin. We couldn't figure out they knew each other and why such a fat man would travel with such a gaunt man to an all-inclusive resort. Kristen guessed that perhaps they worked together in the French sewers and one of them had one the lottery and taken his best buddy on vacation. They took one another's photos beside a palm tree, and that was the only time I saw Fat Man smile. On our last night, we decided we would comb the resort to find them and finally speak with them. When we located them at the pool bar, they were singing Quebec songs with two broads that suddenly appeared. Both of the women were so drunk, that Fat Man Skinny Man had to take them back to their rooms. Skinny Man put one woman on each arm and Fat Man lagged behind them holding their purses. Sadly, that was our farewell to Fat Man Skinny Man. I wonder if people called Kristen and I Fat Lady Skinny Lady as Kristen is so skinny I was starting to feel very fat by the end of the trip. In any case, I learned if you want to talk to somebody, you better do it immediately, or you might lose your chance.

5. Pablo: Pablo owned a stand in the market. We wanted to buy a monkey, a rooster and a turtle. Pablo gave us too high of a price but we vowed to return with some pesos the next day to haggle. Pablo made me kiss him goodbye. When we returned, Pablo had a substitute manning his store. Pablo was at English school and the new guy gave us our wares for a much lower price than Pablo. Items are cheaper to buy on a Monday when the store owner is at school learning English.

6. Italian George Hamilton: I was taken on a surprise tour of a brand new five-star hotel which was owned by the resort that had invited me to stay for four glorious days. I was escorted by a handsome Italian man who gave me an espresso as we discussed Donatella Versace for two hours. Donatella travels with 20 bags of luggage, all her jewelry, her hairdresser and a bodyguard. She demands two full-length mirrors be placed in her room. I actually got to see where Donatella bathed out in the open in her balcony bathtub. We didn't have a full-length mirror in our room. For probably the only time in my life, I wished I was Donatella Versace. When I'm at the beach, I never look glamorous and am in desperate need of a hairdresser. The next I go, I'm taking my makeup case.

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