My Living Will

I guess I better get this down in writing in case something happens to me.

1. Please consider my life worthless if I cannot enjoy the following activities:
-watching television
-swallowing
-listening to music
-gossiping
-petting animals
-thinking
-breathing
-talking

2. If something happens to me that I cannot function and enjoy a certain quality of life (if I am forced to eat through a tube and/or live on a breathing machine) and if you notice little brain wave activity, please remove the tubes. I, however, do not want to die of thirst, so please administer some kind of medicine to put me to sleep rather than let me starve to death.

3. I do not want to be cremated. I want my entire body to be buried in an above ground mausoleum situation. I do not want to be put in the ground in a coffin.

4. I want an old fashioned wake where people dance, get drunk and listen to my favorite music.

Shut Up and Listen to the New Podcast!

We pity the fool who doesn't listen to this week's podcast. Live from the Equinox gym, find out about the hot trends for spring!

- Bush is back!
- Dude, buzz the fauxhawk
- Wear your dorky t-shirts to the gym and still look cool!

and much more including what good is a Chinese joint if it doesn't have crispy noodles?

Download the new cast here!
http://libsyn.com/media/bewareofbabylon/podcastfool.mp3

Sleepism! Owls Unite!

Finally, The New York Times has defined a bias that I encounter and have named it "sleepism." This weekend, the Times actually wrote about those biologically constructed to not sleep on what are considered "winning" hours. Over the course of my career, I've always been personally fascinated by people who brag about getting up before the crack of dawn and/or who claim to need little sleep. And, these are the people who always get promoted first and considered the most productive in traditional corporate environments. Frankly, I don't buy it. People who live this type of life go to bed earlier and miss out on having night owl fun. I, however, am not biased against these people. I dont' call them on the phone at 11:00PM and sarcastically remark, "Wow, I can't believe you are in bed," in the same way a friend might do that to me at 9:30AM on a Saturday morning. Owls sleep just as many hours, work just as hard but cannot physically function if they are forced to be up at 5AM. Just because we enjoy watching Letterman and working on our podcasts late at night, are we not as valuable as the early risers? Should we find more progressive careers in entertainment or freelance that do not mirror antiquated farm hours? Will companies lose the creative rested minds of owls as we all flock to jobs where we are promoted and rewarded for our achievements rather than our ability to be in the office by 7AM? Thank you Times for raising these questions although I am not sure about the answers. I have to go to bed now.

The New York Times > Fashion & Style > The Crow of the Early Bird

We miss you, Maggie!

Special Friday Tribute to Maggie: 1994-2005

She was our Shepard!

Friday Cat (Dog) Blog: Fur In Our Hearts

As reported earlier this week, we lost a family pet. Although MJ Cat dominates this blog, Maggie Dog (in the middle) was a part of our family for over ten years. Maggie never argued, she was always thrilled to see me, and she always offered her paw to me when I was upset.

We will all miss Maggie Dog. She was a special, sweet and loyal Shepard. Above is a photo of Maggie (in the middle) and some her dog friends. Pets do not live long lives, but they spend a lifetime in our hearts. Spend some extra time with your pet today if you would like to pay your respects to our lost friend Maggie.

Maggie: In Memorium: 1994-2005

Today I am very sad to report that our beloved family dog Maggie suddenly passed away in York, PA. Out of all the pets to ever be part of our family, Maggie was by far the sweetest, smartest and most loyal dog. Maggie enjoyed visiting all the neighborhood children and dogs on her daily walks, taking surprise trips to SuperPetz, hiding pig's ears in the couch and playing with her squeaky toys. Most importantly, for over 11 years, Maggie was a very loyal companion to my mother who I know is going to miss her best friend very much.

Implications of Podcasting

OK, I have to confess, I had a sexual dream last night about Adam Curry, former MTV VJ and founder of ipodder. Prior to this dream, I never once thought about Adam Curry, except perhaps as a tech geek or as a former cheesy talking head. Now, today I can't stop thinking about Adam Curry, which is disturbing me. In this dream, we were in love and even went to a funeral together.

Another ramification of our Beware of the Babylon podcast is that The Snack confessed last night (not in a dream) that he wanted my body again after hearing my Michael Jackson impersonation on last week's podcast.

In any case, for those of you having trouble accessing the link to the podcast, it is down but will be live again this evening.

The Gluton-Free Podcast

I've recovered enough to record The Beware of the Babylon podcast! This week, we met at Table 10 at the Risotteria to catch up and discuss important events. Download the new podcast here and find out:

1. how to say "no" to the Blackberry
2. just how big is Bono's ego?
3. how we avoided being thrown out of the joint
4. how my cell phone ring is scarier than the Ring 2!

The Smartest Books I Know

Today, Fortune Magazine listed their "smart" books or as I like to call them "sacred texts." Here's my own list of my own Sacred Texts:

Guide to Self-Promotion:
Edie: An American Biography by Jean Stein and edited by George Plimpton. Follow the life of Edie and learn how to use your connections and fashion sense to become the new it-girl.

How to be Seen on the Scene:
Downtown by Michael Musto. Musto actually includes a play-by-play list of how to get noticed at the Palladium or Danceteria. This kind of advice comes in handy if you are just going to Gristedes.

Fashion Emergencies:
911 Beauty Secrets: An Emergency Guide to Looking Great at Every Age, Size and Budgetby Diane Irons. I never knew how to get those yellow stains out of the armpits of a white t-shirt until Diane told me how!

Petcare:
I refer to Cats for Dummies more than I like to admit, but where else can I find detailed instructions on how to administer antibiotic drops to MJ Cat?

Entertaining and Home Decor:
Simply Halston: The Untold Story by Randy Gaines. Halston sure knew how to throw a dinner party in his ultra-chic ultrasuede covered apartment. Afterwards, he'd sashay on over to Studio 54 with his guests. I wish I had room on my desk for an orchid.

Dating and Romance:
What appears at first to be mindless numbing "chick lit," Straight Talking by Jane Greene is actually a meditation on how to get over being a "passion junkie." I'm not kidding. I've referred this novel to other non-committal thirtysomethings, and it's changed their lives forever.

I Want My DTV

I've been sick for a week now. I haven't been able to leave the house to socialize so I've been passing time enjoying all that my DTV has to offer. Here's a rundown of what I remember watching over the weekend in my feverish state.

1. Club MTV: No, I'm not hallucinating. VH1 Classic actually airs old "episodes" of Club MTV. In addition to wishing that perms and bras worn as tops would come back in vogue, I witnessed live performances from Samantha Foxx and Naughty by Nature. Now, the Palladium is a dorm and Downtown Julie Brown is forced to be on I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.

2. Thirteen Going on 30: For some reason, this movie was on some kind of loop on Stars Cinema the entire weekend. I watched it at least three times because I was too tired to change the channel. Mark Ruffalo is hot.

3. Fresh Prince of Bel Air: I never watched Fresh Prince when it was new, but I enjoyed watching the same episode twice this weekend where DJ Jazzy Jeff guest stars and fixes Will up with his sister who turns out to be a neurotic control-freak so Will pushes her off on Carlton. I can't tell you why this was entertaining, but I didn't have to think too much while watching.

4. Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony: I couldn't really sit through all of this because I didn't like the way that the show was edited between the performances and the acceptance speeches. Bono is so self-congratulatory.

5. Legally Blonde: I watched this one a couple of times on TBS during breaks between Thirteen Going on Thirty.

6. Eurotrip: I actually sat through this movie and didn't think it was too bad. That's how sick I felt.

7. Saturday Night Live: What is Ashton Kutcher's problem? Is he stupid? Too self confident? Untalented? I don't get it.

You've Got a Friend?

It's the height of flu season and chances are if your single female friend has disappeared for a week, she might be bedridden unable to get up except barely to go the bathroom. We all know she wants to drop five pounds, but seven pounds in a week is pushing it which shows that someone needs to get his or her ass over to her apartment and offer some provisions and to change her sweaty sheets. Here are some signs that your friend might be feeling as sick as she did when she had mono back in 1987:

1. You notice that she hasn't written in her blog for nearly a week.
2. She doesn't call you or pick up her phone. You know how she loves the phone.
3. It's St. Patrick's Day and she doesn't invite you anywhere. You know how she loves this holiday so this is all out of character.
4. She's not on AIM ALL WEEK LONG!
5. She calls you on the phone and leaves a message that she is really sick and NEEDS YOUR HELP. Please come over and help her if you receive this call.

Sick of Her Being Sick: Friday Catblog

I'm not sick, but my roommate is and I'm sick of watching her sit around and do nothing. She's not even watching TV which means I had to miss both America's Next Top Model and American Idol this week! I hope she gets enough energy to leave the house soon because I need my space back!

Out sick

I'm in bed and can't move. I'll be back when I can think and breathe.

Celebrity "Fit" Club Finale: Shocking Spoilers

I spent last night watching the final episodes of Celebrity Fit Club on VH1. The show was full of anstonishing surprises including:

1. Daniel Baldwin is a drug addict!
2. Despite dieting and exercising, none of the celebrites really looked that fit.
3. Final makeovers were provided courtesy of Star Magazine!
4. Ralphie May has bigger boobs than his new fiancee!
5. Mia Tyler is not very smart.
6. Wendy the Snapple Lady can't run carrying the weight of her fat!

Be sure to tune if you missed it!

We're Bad: Brand New Beware of the Babylon Podcast!

This is a photo of MJ Cat and Todd reenacting what Thomas Mesereau did to Michael Jackson after he showed up late to court in his pajamas. Todd is playing the part of Michael Jackson and MJ Cat is playing the part of Mesereau.

For more entertaining Jackson reenactments, download our new podcast recorded from El Paso, home of the $13.95 lobster! Right click and "save target" to download to your media player!

http://libsyn.com/media/bewareofbabylon/podcastelpaso.mp3

Ask MJ Cat: Friday Catblog

It's time for everyone's favorite expert MJ Cat to answer your plaguing questions! MJ Cat just received his PhD in psychoanalysis from a top online university. He also has a MA in Cinema Studies, which according to the New York times is the "new M.B.A." MJ can answer questions on any topic from any human being.

MJ: I got the ring last night. How should I pop the question?--Eric F., York, PA

Eric: Women like to be taken out and proposed to in public. The tough part is that there really isn't anywhere too romantic in York, PA to pop the question. I mean the Depot isn't really going to cut it. You should do it when you are out walking your cat (or dog) with her late at night or at Walmart at 2AM. Get the ring out and get down on one knee when it's totally unexpected. Good luck and let us know her response!

MJ: How much should I be willing to pay for tickets to the ACC tournament?--Your Aunt Ellen, Washington, D.C.

Aunt Ellen: I never get to see you much so I don't know much about your finances. I did appreciate that cat bed you gave me last Christmas. If I had an opportunity to go see Garfield in person, I'd pay $150.

MJ: Why do guys spit in the street and women don't?--Rachel A, New York, NY

Rachel: I only spit when I'm really pissed off or at the vet, but I'm a classy cat. Classy cats don't spit. Perhaps you should examine the relationships you have with these men who feel so comfortable spitting all the time in front of you.

MJ: Have you read “The Kite Runner”? If so, what are your thoughts? If not, WHY NOT?--Dave, Miami, FL

Dave: I just finished "The Life of Pi" which was such a rewarding and wonderful novel and I've been searching for a new satisfying book to read. Based on your taste in women and cats, I suspect you have great taste in literature. I'll be sure to read this one next!

MJ: Have you ever tried crystal meth? There's such a hub-bub about it lately.-JH, New York, NY

JH: I have never tried crystal meth but I will now take this time to confess that I have a serious problem with catnip. If I don't get my nightly dose, I get mean and bite my owner on the calf. Hallucinogenic drugs are dangerous and when you get addicted, you can really upset your loved ones as they become slaves to your nasty habit.

MJ: Why would my fiance want to wear an ascot to our wedding? Is this a
request you would honor? Am i a bad fiancee if i don't let him express his
individuality through neckwear?--Shauna, New York, NY

Shauna: I'm a classic brown tabby with white so I would not find an ascot necessary as my white fur collar serves as a natural type of ascot. I'm old-school and I think men look best in their own basic fur in a properly fitted tuxedo. You are not being a bad fiancee, but if he insists on wearing his ascot, let him. Hopefully, after you get married, he'll be more comfortable in his own fur.

MJ: Do you think Micheal Jackson was wearing underpants under his pajamas in
court today?--Wyndham S., New York, NY

Wyndham: No, but I don't wear underpants either so we can't judge him on that. At least he wasn't wearing an ascot.

Dear Michael Jackson

Dear Michael,
I don't understand what you are thinking. Although I believe you are guilty and crazy, I can't comprehend how can you be so self-destructive and NOT SHOW UP for court on time? Did you think it was honestly a good idea to show up in slippers and pajamas after your lawyer had to frantically call you from outside the court once warrants were issued for your arrest? Nobody is buying all your health problems. Who in the hell is advising you? Liz Taylor? I used to love you, Michael. I still get excited when I hear Rock With You, but you are tainting my enjoyment of your songs with your insane behaviour. I also confess that I even use the Michael Jackson History mousepad in my office but I'm thinking of retiring it as it's becoming embarrassing to even mention your name. Please show up on time for your next hearings. You've already screwed up by allowing so many kids to hang out with you at the crazy Neverland Ranch and why in the hell did you let that guy make the documentary about you? Being Wacko doesn't mean you have to be so stupid.

Benefit for Aaron Tonight

This photo is of our friend Aaron who had two heart attacks this year. As you can see, Aaron is hot. Below are the details for a benefit tonight at the Knitting Factory for his medical bills along with his band The Giraffes. I am hoping to go, but I now have to be at work at the crack of dawn.

On January 3rd of this year Aaron died..... twice.
(he got better)
This show is to help with his medical bills.
Benefit for Aaron Lazar
March 9th, Knitting Factory Main Space
6pm doors, 7pm start $10 advance/$12 day of show:

Wasting My Brain on Michael Jackson

I confess that each night between the hours of 7:30PM-8:00PM I am home watching the reenactment of the Michael Jackson trial on E!. Last night I was caught when my mother called me and I told her I couldn't speak to her until after the show was over. She then yelled at me that watching the E! MJ Trial Reenactment was "a waste of time and intelligence." She expressed that having "some guy dress up like Michael Jackson" was "stupid and ridiculous." I defended the program stating E! uses actual transcripts and that real lawyers provide commentary. She then rebutted, "It's not even on Court TV."

Things You'll Learn in the New Podcast

Download our new podcast here and find out about

-the Beckisode
-my favorite food
-movies that make us cry
-Gilbert O'Sullivan's possible links to Satan

and much more!!!!

He Works Hard for the Money: Friday Catblog

I had a tough week mousing and it feels so good to be home where I don't have to work. I learned some stuff this week mousing at the restaurant:

1. Don't bite the hand that feeds you. I bit my boss and he was so scared of me that he wouldn't pet me anymore.
2. Somebody hates you at your office. There is always some guy who is allergic to you, hates your species or thinks you are a nuisance. This person might kick you or pretend to hit you or make fun of you behind your back. This happens at all jobs.
3. Take your own blanket to work. It's nice to have something from home to remind you of your life outside of your workplace. I also take my own food.

Striking Out in the Dominican Republic

These are the men my friend Kristen and I met in the DR. Although we didn't hook up with any guys, I did learn important life lessons from our new friends. Here are the men we met in the DR:

1. Canadian Pro-Bowlers: We met them within 10 minutes of arriving. Rob, the head pro-bowler, approached us in the pool bar as we were sampling our first taste of the addictive Coco Loco cocktail. Rob was escorted by his friends RC and Schmittie. On our last night, we invited them to meet us to smoke cigars. RC never spoke except to give fashion commentary on the Oscars. We're going to visit them for the Calgary Stampede. Rob invited us to stay in his house, but we think that might be a little weird and his wife Monique (who we never met) might be pissed. Rob resembled Sam Elliot in the movie Mask and has made me rethink about the type of men that I should be dating.

2. Taxi Driver: I had only been in town for less than five minutes, when our driver Pedro proposed to me. His wife had left him and taken their daughter back to Santo Domingo and he was living with his grandfather in a hut. Impressively, I conducted this entire conversation in Spanish. If you ever plan to go the DR, gain a little weight before your trip. The locals dig a fat ass and you will be treated like a celebrity.

3. The Wheeler: Kristen and I were fascinated by this one dude who used his own feet to rapidly wheel himself in his own wheelchair. His Pamela Anderson type woman always was lagging behind him. Kristen saw him get out of his chair at the buffet and she claims he was entirely fully mobile. The next time I go on vacation, I'm getting a wheelchair so I can get through the terrible Miami airport much faster.

4. Fat Man Skinny Man: Fat Man Skinny Man were our favorite men. Fat Man was really really fat and Skinny Man was really really skinny. Fat Man wore a bathing suit with his ass crack hanging out along with a green bandana tied around his forehead. He always had a cigarette hanging out from his top lip, even when he was in the outdoor shower. Skinny Man was so skinny that his ribs showed through his skin. We couldn't figure out they knew each other and why such a fat man would travel with such a gaunt man to an all-inclusive resort. Kristen guessed that perhaps they worked together in the French sewers and one of them had one the lottery and taken his best buddy on vacation. They took one another's photos beside a palm tree, and that was the only time I saw Fat Man smile. On our last night, we decided we would comb the resort to find them and finally speak with them. When we located them at the pool bar, they were singing Quebec songs with two broads that suddenly appeared. Both of the women were so drunk, that Fat Man Skinny Man had to take them back to their rooms. Skinny Man put one woman on each arm and Fat Man lagged behind them holding their purses. Sadly, that was our farewell to Fat Man Skinny Man. I wonder if people called Kristen and I Fat Lady Skinny Lady as Kristen is so skinny I was starting to feel very fat by the end of the trip. In any case, I learned if you want to talk to somebody, you better do it immediately, or you might lose your chance.

5. Pablo: Pablo owned a stand in the market. We wanted to buy a monkey, a rooster and a turtle. Pablo gave us too high of a price but we vowed to return with some pesos the next day to haggle. Pablo made me kiss him goodbye. When we returned, Pablo had a substitute manning his store. Pablo was at English school and the new guy gave us our wares for a much lower price than Pablo. Items are cheaper to buy on a Monday when the store owner is at school learning English.

6. Italian George Hamilton: I was taken on a surprise tour of a brand new five-star hotel which was owned by the resort that had invited me to stay for four glorious days. I was escorted by a handsome Italian man who gave me an espresso as we discussed Donatella Versace for two hours. Donatella travels with 20 bags of luggage, all her jewelry, her hairdresser and a bodyguard. She demands two full-length mirrors be placed in her room. I actually got to see where Donatella bathed out in the open in her balcony bathtub. We didn't have a full-length mirror in our room. For probably the only time in my life, I wished I was Donatella Versace. When I'm at the beach, I never look glamorous and am in desperate need of a hairdresser. The next I go, I'm taking my makeup case.

Coco Locos

I'm back from my Dominican vacation where I drowned my tension in a cocktail called the Coco Loco which is best sampled from a bar stool located inside of a swimming pool. I will have a full report tonight once my sunburnt lips deflate, I debloat and I get this fish poison out of my foot.