I'm in Lust

I like really like this guy in an 8th grade sort of way and I realized that the only way to deal with an unrequited crush is through blogging. I like him so much that I'd do things for him that I wouldn't do for hardly anyone if they asked me. These include:
1. I'd give him some money. I hate giving anyone my money but I'd give him a percentage of my paycheck if he asked.
2. I'd wash his dishes and I don't even wash my own. The same goes for his laundry.
3. I'd be quiet if he asked me to.
4. I'd escort him to a sporting event or play tennis with him. I hate sports and tennis.
5. I'd eat cheese if he made it.

So, you get my point and I'm too much of pussy to express how I feel. I just turned 39 last week and I realized that I've become too private in the past couple of years. Well, screw it. I'm back and I'm blogging and I'm ready for love. I just hope I get to hold on to my cash.

Turn the Light On

I have a female friend who insists that men "settle down" when their "lights are on." Well, I think we are in the season where men inexplicably have turned their lights to "green." I had two male friends TODAY who in the past have self declared themselves as "eternal bachelors" admit they they are settling down for women they barely know. One is 50 years old and told me this morning that he is marrying a woman that he met through a friend on facebook three weeks ago and he is marrying her in a city hall ceremony NEXT WEEK. This blew my mind before 10AM. Then tonight, I had a male friend who is in his mid-40's s that he is allowing a woman to move in with him that he met two months ago on Nerve. Perhaps I'm skeptical and jaded and all I saw were red flags flashing as they confessed their new-found loves. Or perhaps, my friend's "lights on" theory is correct. Or perhaps it's seasonal. I'm not sure and only time will tell. I wonder when my light will turn "on." I'm fascinated by the functionality of the male mind.

First Dates

I have a lot to blog about but I can't resist telling the story that I actually was at dinner tonight eavesdropping on a couple on their first date and the couple will hopefully work out but they both made the following errors and were so bizarre that I have to write it all down. Here are some choice quotes.

"I have been depressed my entire life."-Man
"My friend is very protective of me. I make terrible choices in men."-Woman
"How long were you a Communist?"-Woman
"I was a Communist until I was ten."-Man
"England is boring."-Woman
"My first wife was a dancer from Paris. She was actually from a suburb outside of Paris. It wasn't a nice suburb."-Man
"Why did you leave her?"-Woman
"I was unhappy."-Man
"Do you have a roommate?"-Woman
"I live with my mother."-Man
Pause
"One day we came home and the chicken was gone."-Man

I also have to clarify that the couple's conversation was so compelling that me and my date didn't speak to each other and had to keep a straight face the entire dinner. When she went to the ladies room, I asked the man where they met and if it was indeed a first date, and he said yes. They met at Film Forum. I asked what film, and he said, "It was French."

Music and Lyrics

Does art imitate life or does life imitate art or does life imitate art imitating life? Take the following example:

A couple of weeks ago I went on a promising date with a musician. Since the date, this man went on vacation and has been back for a week. Due to his busy schedule, he cancelled a date last Thursday and is busy preparing for a show he is doing next week. Before our date, I accidentally had a conversation with him(which I forget most of) under the influence of a bedtime Ambien. I later apologized for whatever I said under the influence of the velvet hammer which this blog will prove is a term I've been for Ambien since 2003.

Tonight, I went to meditate and then decided to log onto myspace.com. I decided to look at the musician's personal page where I noticed that he changed his status to "in a relationship." I'm pretty sure he's not in a relationship with me so I'm not sure if this just means nothing or he has a girlfriend. Of course, I'm also pretty sure based on past experiences, he probably got back together with a girlfriend. Then, I decided to torture myself and look at his official music page where I then noticed he had uploaded a new song entitled "Velvet Hammer." Then I listened to the song surprised that it was purely an instrumental so the meaning of the song is still a pure mystery to me although I'm 100% sure I inspired the title. This is not the first time I've inspired a NYC band to write a song. Back in 1999, the late great Cogs wrote a song called Joanna about a story I told about an old roommate of mine. So, I don't know if this guy digs/dug me or perhaps I'm just a fleeting muse among yet another musician/artist. In any case, I then immediately called Todd and explained the situation to him. Since we are going to the BAFTA screening tomorrow night of Music and Lyrics, Todd immediately exclaimed, "This is just like Music and Lyrics." Then, Todd and I decided to actually write the lyrics to the music which Todd then recorded to the actual music but we will not post for the public until this situation is resolved. But, without the music, here are the lyrics to the song which was originally recorded by the musician who from this day forward will now be known by the nickname of "Music And Lyrics."

you tell me to get ready

that you're coming back

i cant sleep

you hit me like a velvet hammer

you say you're in a relationship

i dont know if it's me or someone else

but that's what it says on myspace and i cant sleep

i need to take the velvet hammer

(chorus)

like the little white pills

you put me in a dream

but now you're just a side effect my doctor warned me about

you promised me that every day would smell like christmas eve

but now i only taste regret

and all i'm left with is the velvet hammer

As you can see, there is a lot going on here and these are my questions.

1. Does this dude have a girlfriend?

2. Should I be flattered he wrote the song but didn't tell me about it?

3. Am I reading too much into all this because I'm getting stir crazy from this freezing cold weather?

With all this confusion combined with the mystery surrounding the death of Anna Nicole, I'm so wound up that I'm going to have to take a velvet hammer to make myself fall asleep.

Winter Awakening

I've been feeling kind of down after the exciting holiday season, but this weekend really brought my spirits back. First, I had a great date on Friday night with an eccentric musician. As he drove me home, he pulled a tree branch from his back seat and asked me to smell it and then looked me deep in the eyes and seriously said, "It smells like Christmas." He asked me out again and I can't wait to see him once more.

Then, last night I went to see the musical Spring Awakening. I went alone and scored a second row center orchestra seat. Before the show started, Tracey Ullman sat by me. As you can imagine, I'm a huge fan of Tracey who was as funny and outgoing as she is in her act. During intermission she leaned over and asked me, "What do you make of this?" She even did a bit of shtick where she projected the average old Jewish lady response to the show. "Oy, where's the dancing?" Then someone came up to her and told her how much they loved her on Frasier which she thought was pretty funny and she looked at me and said, "Can you bloody believe that?" The show was fresh with a great score so I recommend it. Lisa Marie Presley was also there but I don't consider her nearly as exciting as Tracey. Lisa was actually with Angela McCluskey who I met and chatted for a long time with at a party last year but I didn't have time to chat with Angela or meet Lisa because I was too starstruck by Ullman. So, on Saturday night I had a great date with Tracey Ullman.

Today, I made some bolognese and cheesecake, practiced my sax and downloaded the Spring Awakening soundtrack. I'm in a very good mood and I still can smell the faint scent of Christmas.

Catblog Friday by MJ Cat: Real Men Love Pussies

I meet a lot of suitors for my person who admit to not liking cats. I was speaking about this with my pals Thor and Heather and we have a theory. Men who don't like cats, don't really like women. Cats are complicated creatures and it takes patience, confidence and good communication skills to connect and love a cat. You, in turn, have to earn our trust, love and respect. We have mysterious moods and won't provide you with instant gratification at your leisure like some dumb needy dog. The straight men (and gay ones) who love cats are more patient, emotionally healthy and kinder men than the men who hate cats. Frankly, I think if a man can't connect with me, he will never be able to connect with my person. So, if you want a quality woman, you better considering appreciating her pussy.

What Are You Doing New Year's Eve?

So, before the holidays, I had more than one man hint he'd take me out for the New Year. Needless to say, they all seemed to vanish (and I mean fall off the face of the earth) one by one after they mentioned taking me out for the big night. I had more hope about some than others and surrendered myself to the fantasy that one of them would show up at the last minute and the goddess of fate would take care of me and 2006 would come to a very happy ending. Despite the fabulous time I ended up having with my gfs, I want to stress to the men out there that this kind of vanishing act is not cool during the period between 11/26 and 12/31 when women are especially vulnerable so don't hint at holiday dates when you cannot come through or at least let the woman know you are crapping out, freaking out, going out of town, etc. At least, The Boss has the decency to share his schedule with me and for that reason, he still has my respect. Out of generous spirit, I'm providing some guidance to the guilty about how to get back in my good graces.
1. Send me flowers. Make sure they are my favorite. If you don't know my favorite flowers, do some homework and find out. I have enough online media that you can find one of my friends and find out.
2. Send me an apology card that includes a photo of a cute animal on it that says, "I'm sorry" including a handwritten explanation of your disappearance. Depending on the animal you choose, I will determine if I will forgive you.
3. Call and profusely apologize and invite me to Sparks for dinner.
4. Email me a list using the headline "I'm sorry" and then list 10 things you think are great about me.
5. Write me a song about how great I am and record yourself singing it on youtube and then send me the link.

Men of 2006

This is a list of the best (not all) of the men I dated in 2006. These are the men who inspired me, drove me crazy, consumed me and pissed me off and, yet, made my year memorable. Like last year, I did not find true love but at least I did not relive the insanity of 2004's drunks, skunks and spankers. I'm still optimistic and I think I'm making better choices so let's hope that perhaps that I will not be writing this annual list in the next couple of years.

The Brit (May 2005-January 2006)
I wrote about the Brit last year and his sweet painted postcards he sent me in the mail. On New Year's day of last year, the Brit disappeared. I finally received a note from him in February that he was depressed and he would contact me when he recovered. I heard from him finally some time in the Spring, but by then, he was crossed off the list.

Hojo Fantasy (?)
I can't say when the Hojo Fantasy began, but he is truly a fantasy. I sometimes think that he just likes me liking him and other times as he brushes up against my knee or makes a flirtatious remark, I wonder if perhaps the desire is returned or he just enjoys playing me the fool. I don't know why I allow Hojo's fickle attention to distract me from eligible and realistic suitors, but I do. Whenever there is a break in my dating, it is because I am focused on him.

Fawlty Towers (April-June)
I didn't date anyone for a couple of months after the Brit trauma, but I made the awful mistake of dating another Brit hotelier who lived in my neighborhood half the time or as he used to say "in the trees" for the other half. I can't say anything about bad him except that after a couple of months, I received an email from him about how "nice" I am and then I never heard from him again. Actually, he was kind of boring.

Mr. Wrong (August-October)
Mr. Wrong was my West Coast man for a couple of months. All I can say is, when I visited him in October he was rude to me and abandoned me at a party in the Hollywood Hills. I hate LA.

Guess Who's Not Coming to Dinner (August-October)
The fun loving Vespa-driving Scotsman provided some real fun. Unfortunately, he informed me after a handful of dates that he didn't eat dinner. He doesn't eat after 2PM. I don't know if this was an excuse to not take me out to dinner, but in any case, I need to see a man who eats dinner.

No Moore (September)
He's hardly worth writing about except for the fact that I had the best date of the year with this guy but never saw him again. There were a couple of follow-up text messages, but that was it. I wonder what happened to him.

The Boss (November-present)
I am definitely one of the Boss' many women. The Boss is 50 and doesn't really seem to work so he has a lot of time to pick of girls and boss them around. He's actually the only man who has ever captured my attention by making a joke about my "embouchure" and also who made the moves on me in a cafe ladies room. My friend thinks the boss is good for me and that because I like working at the bank, being bossed around is not such a bad thing for me. She thinks that perhaps I need more bossing in my personal life and should keep him in rotation. Despite my better judgment, I like him and hope we at least remain friends. Oh, and he looks like Michael J. Fox.

Spicoli (December-present)
I just met Spicoli last weekend and he's already been over for dinner. Spicoli is the opposite of the boss. He's very "chill." He leaned over the bar and said, "You're cute" and then he kissed me. We ended up making out at the Dark Room for the rest of the night to the soundtrack of the Smiths and New Order. Spicoli kind of reminds me of my high school man Chip. Spicoli also has very nice dark hair and a tight bod. He, however, called me last night at 1:30AM to chat.

The Architect (January 2003-present)
I ran into the Architect over the summer on the street and he continues to solicit me despite his new baby and wife. I'm starting to think he knows he should have been sweeter in 2003. In July, he actually showed up at my apartment late at night, but when I let him in he freaked out and had a panic attack and ran home. He has since apologized but I haven't seen him again.

Hot Times in the City

I'm on vacation in my hometown New York City! As you can see from this photo taken of me and my good friend Annitah, I'm having a blast. Now, I have to start the 2007 diet. I stole this photo from Anittah b/c her camera is better than mine.

New Year's Eve Blues

As cheesy as it sounds, New Year's Eve is my favorite night of the year. And, this year I don't have any plans or invitations. All my friends are coupled up so this year, it looks like I'll be on my own for a quiet night alone with MJ Cat. If you need a date to anywhere fun or want to escort me out on the town, please send me a note. I'll even buy dinner. I'm looking for a good time, baby.

My Embouchure

OK, so I've been lazy about blogging, but between my dates and my sax playing, I haven't had much time to write. In any case, I finally can play "Easy" by the Commodores by heart.

Next, Please

People often ask me about what "my type of guy is" and frankly, I'm not so sure anymore of who I should be dating. I know that it's not the two Williamsburg "hipster" dudes photographed for Curb in the photo above. I know that my current attraction to a 50 yr. old semi-retiree playboy is truly flirting with disaster. And, I'm through with twenty-something snacks. My question is then, where are the available men my own age? Please let me know or feel free to fix me up with any suitable sane bachelors.