Greek Tragedy

I woke up this morning realizing my life and the world are never going to be the same. What kind of world do we live in where Tom Cruise is slumming around Rome with C-list Katie Holmes? Perhaps there is a chance for me and Benicio del Toro.
And, how is it possible that Constantine was voted out of Idol before cheeseball Federov and pigface Savol?

Is Osama behind all this because I'm in terror thinking that there are people that actually vote for Federov and Pigface and want them to win.

The Paris Hilton Podcast

Well, I surely can't compete with the Paris Hilton Podcast. The studio even paid for advertising on Adam Curry's the Daily Source Code.

Big Black Hole Wednesday

It's been awhile since I fell into the big black hole, but today I have some questions that need to be answered:

1. Are Brad and Angelina really together?
2. Is it worth taking a higher paying job even if it is not your dream job?
3. Does he really like me?
4. Why don't people RSVP to parties on evite? Does evite not count as a real invitation?
5. Why can't I fall asleep although I'm exhausted?

Podcasting Is Real

For all you mainstream people,Newsday has an article about podcasting. I'm a mainstream nerd I guess.

http://www.newsday.com/entertainment/ny-etlede4233542apr27,0,7364209.story?page=2&coll=ny-entertainment-bigpix

Who Needs a Podcast Like That?

Todd and I had a very big night. Not only we did enjoy sake and sushi, but we also attended the sold-out Erasure show where we recorded our preshow/aftershow Beware of the Babylon podcast outside from Irving Plaza. We also had a surprise appearance from my new favorite band Elkland and an interview with the hairdressers from the hit musical Hairspray!

In this week's podcast find out:
--How to be your own personal secretary
--How Elkland is taking over the world
--Bruce Villanche's beauty secrets
--What songs to play to wake us out of a coma
--Just how much Erasure is too much Erasure

This is a jam-packed show full of useless information. Simply click on our brand new URL http://media1.libsyn.com/podcasts/bewareofbabylon/podcasterasure.mp3 to download the new podcast!

O'Lamour,
Rachel and Todd

He Should Have Been Passovered or His Last Supper at My Place

On Saturday night, my friend and I hosted a very small Passover gathering which included sausage and matzoh and some Korean BBQ. One of our guests who kind of crashed our seder must have been possessed by the crazy spirit of Elijah. Be careful if you actually let Elijah into your next seder. The following is all true. I am not exaggerating or making any of this up. BE WARNED. ELIJAH IS A WACKO!

1. He will walk into the seder and disregard the glass of wine you left out for him. The first thing he will say is, "Where's my beer?"
2. He will introduce himself and then say, "I'm not really here for Passover. I'm just here to network." The reason Elijah crashes seders is to find a new job.
3. He will ask everyone in the room their salary. I guess Elijah is poor.
4. He will be rude to the waiters and throw a fit when he sees kids up past 9:00PM. This kind of attitude shows why so many Jewish families must have a "kids' table." They want to protect innocent children from the wrath of Elijah.
5. Elijah has no problem telling you he's not that he's not crazy about the food. Be careful what you serve to this nut!
6. Passover songs put Elijah over the edge. He will tell you that your rendition of "Chad Gadya" sucks and then he will visibly start shaking.

Friday I'm In Love: Friday Catblog by MJ Cat

Last night I met a new friend. He came over and brought my owner a Tasty Delite which I think must contain aphrodisiac powers. At first, I was shy and peeked at him around the corner from the kitchen. Then, as I could see that he was relaxing, I came over and sat beside him in my spot atop the cable box. This guy really knows how to make friends with a cat. As he was leaving, I was so smitten with him, I rubbed up against him and purred.

The Rules of Fight Club...

Last night I attended the first ever NYC Podcasting Association meeting. Nobody present was allowed to record or blog about what occurred in the meeting (although some people didn't obey the rules.) The entire experience was kind of like Fight Clubs meets Weight Watchers with a little Mensa thrown in for good measure. I haven't been this excited since I was selected to be part of the Jr. Miss program in 1988. I wonder if Diane Sawyer will start podcasting now?

Podcast Siting Update

For those of you who listened to our most recent podcast, Todd and I spot a former Idol contestant and can't identify him by name. Well, it was Mario Vasquez who left the show in a huge cloud of mystery. I would have preferred to see an Olsen twin.

Viva La Podcast!

Todd is finally back from France so we celebrated the new pope with a Beware of the Babylon podcast!

This week, find out:

-The best bench to spot celebs in NYC
-How to dress like a whore in warm weather
-Legal ways to score painkillers
-Our songs we are ashamed to admit that we secretly love
-My American Idol flashback and confession


Simply download by right clicking on this link:

http://libsyn.com/media/bewareofbabylon/podcastdasilvanos.mp3

I Enjoy Being a Jew

I once flirted with the idea of becoming a Catholic, but the entire experience was a little too potluck for me. I love the Catholic Saints. I've turned to many a saint to put the word in for me when I needed some heavenly help. (Yo, St. Anthony! Thanks!) Also, the entire concept of transubstantiation was so foreign and fascinating to me that I really needed to investigate that with some Catholic scholars. I find it appealing that to accept the body and blood of Christ, I would need to relinquish the control of rational thought and totally rely on faith. It's like receiving a painful deep tissue massage knowing it will heal you later. Catholics also give a much better send-off when you die than the Jews.

Yet, I had problems with the Catholics. I'm not quite sure I buy all that heaven and hell stuff and I really can't make decisions according to what Jesus would do. Also, Jews have better food at parties and I think birth control is something important. Also, Catholics don't have such great songs as Ein Kelokeno.

Win a Date with Me!

Last night, one of my friends called me and said this blog has become way too "cat" focused. After I hung up, I realized that I need a new boyfriend. I'm spending way too much time with MJ Cat. So, I'm launching a nationwide contest where the winning guy will win a date with me! To enter, send a recent photo and a brief essay describing why you make better company than MJ Cat.

Send all entries to: nycbabylontips@aol.com. Contest ends 4/30/05.

Ask MJ Cat- Friday Catblog

It's time for everyone's favorite expert MJ Cat to answer all your questions! MJ Cat just received his PhD in Cultural Studies from a top online university and continues studying at DeVry. He also has a MA in Cinema Studies, which according to the New York times is the "new M.B.A." MJ can answer questions on any topic from any human being.
>^..^< >^..^< >^..^< >^..^< >^..^< >^..^< >^..^<

Dear MJ Cat: How can we preserve the character of the West Village? As more designer boutiques move in and more funky little mom and pop shops close up, are we doomed to become nothing more than a fashion magnet for vacationing Eurotrash and filthy rich Japanese tourists? Marc Jacobs seems like a nice guy and all when we run into him at brunch, but does he really need TWO STORES on Bleecker Street? Is there hope?--Barry, New York, NY

Dear Barry: I think you might be barking up the wrong cat. When I was mousing in a West Village restaurant, the filty rich Japanese tourists left the biggest tips. The two Marc Jacobs stores down the street inspire my person to work harder and advance her career with the hope of finally being able to afford all those cute shoes and bags she sees windows. If it wasn't for the Eurotrash and the Japanese tourists spending their cash in the hood, we'd both be still working and living in the restaurant. Now we can afford a little catnip and we have our weekends free.

Dear MJ Cat: I've been in France all week and I can not help but notice the complete lack of cats (les chats) and abundance of dogs (les chiens). Has France gone to the dogs? Is hunting cats going to be en vouge? Je ne comprend pas!-Todd, sent via Blackberry, Paris, France

Dear Todd: Yo no hablo frances. Yo hablo espanol, ingles y gato. Tambien, no me gusta mesages de un Blackberry.

Dear MJ: What is your favorite Passover food? Do you prefer chopped liver, as all the canines in the family have, or gefilte fish, because you are a cat?--Your Aunt Ellen, Washington, D.C.

Dear Aunt Ellen: If you would come vist me in person, you would see that my fur is beautiful due to the fact that I only eat dry Iams cat chows. I don't like people food except an occasional bite of Healthy Choice turkey. As for gefilte fish, it's disgusting, even for a cat.

Dear Maximillian Joseph: I'm looking for a job. I've exhausted my network. Beyond my active network there are all sorts of former co-workers around New York that I loathe; however, some of these loathsome people are also in pretty great positions and very well may know of some opportunity for me. I cannot bring myself to make the call. It feels totally disingenuous. Should I honor my integrity, or suck it up 'cause I need the work?-- Conflicted, New York, NY

Dear Conflicted: Suck it up and jump for the catdancer! Do you think I'd be writing to you right now under the influence of catnip from the comfort of my soft bed in my apartment if I hadn't sucked it up and purred for my person? It sure beats sleeping on the cold cement floor.

Dear MJ: A pregnant friend (who already knows she's having a boy) told me about a circumcision practice where the foreskin would be donated to a burn unit. Do you have an opinion on this?--Eileen, New York, NY

Dear Eileen: Do you prefer chopped liver or gefilte fish for Passover? As you know, I was castrated as a kitten. It would have been nice if my old parts could benefit someone in need.

Dear MJ: Why has the low-rise jeans trend persisted for so long? I am sick of having my husband ask me when I'm going to repair the sink every time I bend over to pick up something.--JH, New Boston, NH

Dear JH: Did you see Cameron Diaz on SNL last week? Her super low-cut jeans were unattractive and her entire public bone was revealed. Yet, this type of public celebrity display can explain how the trend persists. The only way you can make it go away is to stop buying these jeans. My person did and she looks hot in her vintage Levis without a thong peeking out from the top.

Dear MJ Cat: Golf season is finally here in the Northeast. However, my favorite
course just changed their club rules to say that you can't bring your own alcoholic drinks out on the course in your cart. (The greedy bastards want you to only buy drinks in the bar and take them out or from the drink cart they drive around, and their prices are nothing short of piracy.) Golf is expensive enough as it is! But playing without a cocktail for the back nine is uncivilized. What should I do?--Jazz from Running Scared

Dear Jazz: Perhaps you need to take your golf more seriously. I never mouse on catnip.

Dear MJ: Do you know how to get brain out of a silk tie?--Playing Doctor, Jacksonville, FL

Dear Doc: We have a dry cleaner here in the city who is so good that he can even get out the smell of cat urine. I think you need to visit soon and we'll drop the tie off with him. This is a local store that we need to keep in business.

Dear MJ: I have a crush on a professor and am relatively certain he is crushing right back. I am a doctoral student and am concerned that pursuing this crush might be a very bad idea. However, he's really cute and smart. MJ, what should I do? (In a related question, if we do date, and eventually break up, do I keep him on my dissertation committee?)--DMB, MI

Dear DMB: I don't sleep near my litter box. You shouldn't either.

Dear MJ: I have just celebrated my 9th birthday and would like some advice on how best to spend my mid-life crisis? I still have plenty of energy and curiosity, but what new things can I do? Day in, day out, it’s the same thing. I sleep a bit, then chase things that aren’t there, then sleep a bit more. I meow at my owner and bat at her to pay attention to me, but it’s all just become very run of the mill. Any suggestions on how a handsome kitty can spice up his life?--Augie Cat, Philadelphia, PA

Dear Augie: I have three words for you: Alpine Cat Scratcher! Meow!

I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up!

The other day after I confessed I slipped and hurt myself in the shower, my boss became very concerned about my emergency support network. I thought about what I would do in the case of an emergency like this when perhaps I fall and cannot get up. I decided to purchase the Life Alert system. Although marketed towards seniors, Life Alert should be targeting the active single thirtysomething woman who lives alone.

Here's my marketing message for the new Life Support necklace which will liberate young women all over the world.

You never have to worry about dying alone with the new Life Support designed specifically for single women over the age of 30. Available in the hottest fashion shades, the Life Support necklace is the most functional new fashion accessory on the market. Not only can the Life Support summon the paramedics during a health emergency or accident, but the Life Support necklace can help you with all your female thirtysomething emergencies. Perhaps you come home slightly tipsy and feel as if you have to vomit. With life support, you can page your neighbor to come over to put you to bed. Perhaps you run into the guy you are dating and he's kissing another woman at a bar. Page your best friend to come to the scene for help immediately with the help of your Life Support necklace. Suppose your cat is sick and you can't find him anywhere in your apartment. Page your vet and the fire department with the Life Support necklace! We guarantee that as a young women you might fall, but with Life Support, we can always attempt to get you back up on your feet.

Don't Shoot the Cat

Cat lovers are banding together to fight Wisconsin legislation making it legal to fight cats. MJ Cat was a street cat and now he is my best friend. Don't shoot cats but get feral cats neutured and spayed!

Don't Shoot the Cat

Wisconsin May Take a Shot at Eliminating Stray Cats

Wisconsin May Take a Shot at Eliminating Stray Cats

I feel sick thinking about making it legal to hunt stray cats. First of all, some cats are indoor/outdoor cats and this law would it make it very easy for some sick cat hunter to shoot someone's beloved pet. Also, this type of law promotes animal abuse. This type of cat exploitation promotes the message to animal abusers who feel that it's OK to torture animals. I can't even write about this now because I'm so upset and angered.

CVS Celebrity Siting

After complaining to a friend earlier today that I haven't seen any exciting celebrities, tonight I had the pleasure of having Paul Benedict aka Bentley from the Jeffersons aka The Number Painter from Sesame Street hold the door for me at CVS! This sure beats seeing an Olsen at Starbucks.

A Writer Blocked

These are the topics I really really want to write about, but can't due to self-editing, fear of surveillance and general paranoia.

1. My job. My boss reads this blog so I can't really complain about work or make fun of coworkers. I don't want to get in trouble and I read too many horror stories of people getting in trouble for their blogs.
2. The guy I like. He's forbidden me from writing about him and I don't want to lose any remaining chance I have with him. He won't talk to me anymore if he has to fear I'm writing about him.
3. My ex's smelly girlfriend. I heard a rumor that someone I used to date is now dating a woman who has notorious BO. While I find this topic troubling and fascinating, I don't want to seem petty, mean or vindictive.
4. My sister. She gets very mad.

Spring has Sprung: Friday Catblog by MJ Cat

Thank god that long cold winner is over. Here I am on my first springtime walk catching up with my good friend and sometimes caretaker Pepe. It's been a few depressing cold months, so it feels great to get out and spend some time with some good friends out in the sun. If you see me hanging out on the bench on Bleeker, please stop and spend some time with me. I don't bite all the time!

Shop the Babylon Store!

Click here for a great animal t-shirt featuring MJ Cat and his friend Pepe!



For all you mos and metros, why not show your affiliation with the coolest blog on the planet in the NYCBABYLON gay man's sleeveless t-shirt!


You'll feel sexy when you put MJ Cat close to your own pussy in this fabulous thong!

Shazbott! Beware of the Babylon Podcast is on Hiatus!

Shazbott! Todd is going out of town until April 18th, so it looks like we won't be having our Beware of the Babylon Podcast! If you need to catch up, download our podcasts from http://bewareofbabylon.libsyn.com or from the left hand side of this page!

Nano Nano

Last night I watched two of the most gripping hours of television I've seen in a very long time. Between the hours of 9-11, I was glued to Behind the Camera: The Unauthorized Story of Mork and Mindy. Here are some of the very important questions and issues raised by this monumental television event:

1. Robin Williams must be the most annoying person to live with on the planet. I couldn't handle all those stupid jokes ALL THE TIME. What women actually found him attractive?
2. According to the program, his first wife Victoria actually stood by him during his troubled times with cocaine and Belushi. She also dealt with all those annoying jokes. Then as we all know, he dumped her for their nanny. Why wasn't this on the show?
3. Gary Marshall is the sweetest man in television. I love to celebrate career success with a malt!
4. Behind the camera, Laverne and Shirley hated one another. When is this TV movie being greenlighted?
5. Angie was on Thursday night? What ever happened to Donna Pescow?
6. Who else crashed Travolta's party that night? Are John and Robin still friends?
7. Is there going to a TV documenting the "orgy" that took place on the set of Popeye? Did Robert Evans and Robin Williams participate together in the orgy?
8. At the end of the movie, Pam Dawber was bragging about her new boyfriend. Was that Mark Harmon?

...And Guest

While I am always thrilled to be invited to any party, as I get older, I've been noticing a huge ugly break in wedding etiquette. Traditionally, single women should be invited to a wedding or any party with an escort. There is nothing I find more conflicting (and insulting)in my 30s than being forced to attend a wedding all by myself. While I'm happy that yet again, someone I know has found true love, I am not happy that I have to witness your heartfelt wedding vows--alone.

Ok, I'm not married or engaged and I live alone with my cat. Why not throw it all in my face and make me attend your wedding all by myself? Better yet, why not invite me with my single mother and make us sit together like some crazy old maid couple? Why not torture me as I pretend to have to go to the bathroom during the slow songs and sit in the stall and feel sorry for myself? Oh, and how I love it when I have to admit to your great aunt that I am there alone and not really seeing anyone and chances are I'll be alone for the rest of my life.

My life is unsettled and as I sit alone at the table and watch you dance with your brand new husband in your new $8,000 Monique Lhuillier gown, I am confronted with the reality that if I were to drop dead in my apartment, my body might not be found for several weeks. Also, I will never have new pots and pans and I will be eating off my dead grandmother's chipped plates for the rest of my life. My cat is my child. These are the types of thoughts I have as I sit alone at the table during your wedding reception. Aren't you glad you invited me alone to save some space? I'm having such a fucking good time.

I understand that brides and grooms (and their parents) struggle to keep wedding expenses in check and, in turn, are more inclined to invite more people they know than rather my anonymous escort. Yet, while I understand this aspect, I just want to explain my side of the coin. According to tradition, at my age, for all intents and purposes, the assumption is that I should have a spouse anyway. In my 20s, I didn't mind attending weddings alone. It was easier for me then. Now, I find myself sometimes thinking that perhaps time is running out for me and that I'll never meet the "right one." I am tired of dancing with myself. And, I'm usually so optimistic. It's the damned possibility of being alone at your wedding that is bringing up all these depressing thoughts and low self esteem. I was feeling good until I realized I have to travel by myself to sit alone and watch everyone else around me be happy and in love at your wedding. There's nothing like a good old-fashioned wedding to exacerbate these old maid feelings. FYI, I'm also too old to "hook up" or to be excited about other single people at the wedding. My friends who invite me alone always go into this story about how there will be a lot of "single people" at the wedding. While the couple may not have class or sense to invite me with a date, I do have enough class to not get sloppy drunk and make out with your cousin Phil in a broom closet as you cut the cake.

So, if your guest is over 30, you should bite the bullet and invite her with a guest. As you can see from this blog panic attack, going solo to your nuptials can be traumatic for your over-30 friends!

Get Out of My Face: Friday Catblog by MJ Cat

Sometimes a cat needs some privacy. Don't bother me in the following ways or you will experience the wrath of my claws:

1. I don't like to be awaken by the phone ringing at 6AM. This is alarming and scares me.
2. I don't like humans to stare at me when I go to the litter box. I like to do my business in private.
3. Sometimes I just don't want to be petted. I know this sounds crazy, but I don't like strangers touching me all the time.
4. I hate cleaning. I like to hide when I see a vacuum cleaner or broom.
5. Don't step on me. I know it is usually accidental, but it really hisses me off!

My Living Will

I guess I better get this down in writing in case something happens to me.

1. Please consider my life worthless if I cannot enjoy the following activities:
-watching television
-swallowing
-listening to music
-gossiping
-petting animals
-thinking
-breathing
-talking

2. If something happens to me that I cannot function and enjoy a certain quality of life (if I am forced to eat through a tube and/or live on a breathing machine) and if you notice little brain wave activity, please remove the tubes. I, however, do not want to die of thirst, so please administer some kind of medicine to put me to sleep rather than let me starve to death.

3. I do not want to be cremated. I want my entire body to be buried in an above ground mausoleum situation. I do not want to be put in the ground in a coffin.

4. I want an old fashioned wake where people dance, get drunk and listen to my favorite music.

Shut Up and Listen to the New Podcast!

We pity the fool who doesn't listen to this week's podcast. Live from the Equinox gym, find out about the hot trends for spring!

- Bush is back!
- Dude, buzz the fauxhawk
- Wear your dorky t-shirts to the gym and still look cool!

and much more including what good is a Chinese joint if it doesn't have crispy noodles?

Download the new cast here!
http://libsyn.com/media/bewareofbabylon/podcastfool.mp3

Sleepism! Owls Unite!

Finally, The New York Times has defined a bias that I encounter and have named it "sleepism." This weekend, the Times actually wrote about those biologically constructed to not sleep on what are considered "winning" hours. Over the course of my career, I've always been personally fascinated by people who brag about getting up before the crack of dawn and/or who claim to need little sleep. And, these are the people who always get promoted first and considered the most productive in traditional corporate environments. Frankly, I don't buy it. People who live this type of life go to bed earlier and miss out on having night owl fun. I, however, am not biased against these people. I dont' call them on the phone at 11:00PM and sarcastically remark, "Wow, I can't believe you are in bed," in the same way a friend might do that to me at 9:30AM on a Saturday morning. Owls sleep just as many hours, work just as hard but cannot physically function if they are forced to be up at 5AM. Just because we enjoy watching Letterman and working on our podcasts late at night, are we not as valuable as the early risers? Should we find more progressive careers in entertainment or freelance that do not mirror antiquated farm hours? Will companies lose the creative rested minds of owls as we all flock to jobs where we are promoted and rewarded for our achievements rather than our ability to be in the office by 7AM? Thank you Times for raising these questions although I am not sure about the answers. I have to go to bed now.

The New York Times > Fashion & Style > The Crow of the Early Bird

We miss you, Maggie!

Special Friday Tribute to Maggie: 1994-2005

She was our Shepard!

Friday Cat (Dog) Blog: Fur In Our Hearts

As reported earlier this week, we lost a family pet. Although MJ Cat dominates this blog, Maggie Dog (in the middle) was a part of our family for over ten years. Maggie never argued, she was always thrilled to see me, and she always offered her paw to me when I was upset.

We will all miss Maggie Dog. She was a special, sweet and loyal Shepard. Above is a photo of Maggie (in the middle) and some her dog friends. Pets do not live long lives, but they spend a lifetime in our hearts. Spend some extra time with your pet today if you would like to pay your respects to our lost friend Maggie.

Maggie: In Memorium: 1994-2005

Today I am very sad to report that our beloved family dog Maggie suddenly passed away in York, PA. Out of all the pets to ever be part of our family, Maggie was by far the sweetest, smartest and most loyal dog. Maggie enjoyed visiting all the neighborhood children and dogs on her daily walks, taking surprise trips to SuperPetz, hiding pig's ears in the couch and playing with her squeaky toys. Most importantly, for over 11 years, Maggie was a very loyal companion to my mother who I know is going to miss her best friend very much.

Implications of Podcasting

OK, I have to confess, I had a sexual dream last night about Adam Curry, former MTV VJ and founder of ipodder. Prior to this dream, I never once thought about Adam Curry, except perhaps as a tech geek or as a former cheesy talking head. Now, today I can't stop thinking about Adam Curry, which is disturbing me. In this dream, we were in love and even went to a funeral together.

Another ramification of our Beware of the Babylon podcast is that The Snack confessed last night (not in a dream) that he wanted my body again after hearing my Michael Jackson impersonation on last week's podcast.

In any case, for those of you having trouble accessing the link to the podcast, it is down but will be live again this evening.

The Gluton-Free Podcast

I've recovered enough to record The Beware of the Babylon podcast! This week, we met at Table 10 at the Risotteria to catch up and discuss important events. Download the new podcast here and find out:

1. how to say "no" to the Blackberry
2. just how big is Bono's ego?
3. how we avoided being thrown out of the joint
4. how my cell phone ring is scarier than the Ring 2!

The Smartest Books I Know

Today, Fortune Magazine listed their "smart" books or as I like to call them "sacred texts." Here's my own list of my own Sacred Texts:

Guide to Self-Promotion:
Edie: An American Biography by Jean Stein and edited by George Plimpton. Follow the life of Edie and learn how to use your connections and fashion sense to become the new it-girl.

How to be Seen on the Scene:
Downtown by Michael Musto. Musto actually includes a play-by-play list of how to get noticed at the Palladium or Danceteria. This kind of advice comes in handy if you are just going to Gristedes.

Fashion Emergencies:
911 Beauty Secrets: An Emergency Guide to Looking Great at Every Age, Size and Budgetby Diane Irons. I never knew how to get those yellow stains out of the armpits of a white t-shirt until Diane told me how!

Petcare:
I refer to Cats for Dummies more than I like to admit, but where else can I find detailed instructions on how to administer antibiotic drops to MJ Cat?

Entertaining and Home Decor:
Simply Halston: The Untold Story by Randy Gaines. Halston sure knew how to throw a dinner party in his ultra-chic ultrasuede covered apartment. Afterwards, he'd sashay on over to Studio 54 with his guests. I wish I had room on my desk for an orchid.

Dating and Romance:
What appears at first to be mindless numbing "chick lit," Straight Talking by Jane Greene is actually a meditation on how to get over being a "passion junkie." I'm not kidding. I've referred this novel to other non-committal thirtysomethings, and it's changed their lives forever.

I Want My DTV

I've been sick for a week now. I haven't been able to leave the house to socialize so I've been passing time enjoying all that my DTV has to offer. Here's a rundown of what I remember watching over the weekend in my feverish state.

1. Club MTV: No, I'm not hallucinating. VH1 Classic actually airs old "episodes" of Club MTV. In addition to wishing that perms and bras worn as tops would come back in vogue, I witnessed live performances from Samantha Foxx and Naughty by Nature. Now, the Palladium is a dorm and Downtown Julie Brown is forced to be on I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.

2. Thirteen Going on 30: For some reason, this movie was on some kind of loop on Stars Cinema the entire weekend. I watched it at least three times because I was too tired to change the channel. Mark Ruffalo is hot.

3. Fresh Prince of Bel Air: I never watched Fresh Prince when it was new, but I enjoyed watching the same episode twice this weekend where DJ Jazzy Jeff guest stars and fixes Will up with his sister who turns out to be a neurotic control-freak so Will pushes her off on Carlton. I can't tell you why this was entertaining, but I didn't have to think too much while watching.

4. Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony: I couldn't really sit through all of this because I didn't like the way that the show was edited between the performances and the acceptance speeches. Bono is so self-congratulatory.

5. Legally Blonde: I watched this one a couple of times on TBS during breaks between Thirteen Going on Thirty.

6. Eurotrip: I actually sat through this movie and didn't think it was too bad. That's how sick I felt.

7. Saturday Night Live: What is Ashton Kutcher's problem? Is he stupid? Too self confident? Untalented? I don't get it.

You've Got a Friend?

It's the height of flu season and chances are if your single female friend has disappeared for a week, she might be bedridden unable to get up except barely to go the bathroom. We all know she wants to drop five pounds, but seven pounds in a week is pushing it which shows that someone needs to get his or her ass over to her apartment and offer some provisions and to change her sweaty sheets. Here are some signs that your friend might be feeling as sick as she did when she had mono back in 1987:

1. You notice that she hasn't written in her blog for nearly a week.
2. She doesn't call you or pick up her phone. You know how she loves the phone.
3. It's St. Patrick's Day and she doesn't invite you anywhere. You know how she loves this holiday so this is all out of character.
4. She's not on AIM ALL WEEK LONG!
5. She calls you on the phone and leaves a message that she is really sick and NEEDS YOUR HELP. Please come over and help her if you receive this call.

Sick of Her Being Sick: Friday Catblog

I'm not sick, but my roommate is and I'm sick of watching her sit around and do nothing. She's not even watching TV which means I had to miss both America's Next Top Model and American Idol this week! I hope she gets enough energy to leave the house soon because I need my space back!

Out sick

I'm in bed and can't move. I'll be back when I can think and breathe.

Celebrity "Fit" Club Finale: Shocking Spoilers

I spent last night watching the final episodes of Celebrity Fit Club on VH1. The show was full of anstonishing surprises including:

1. Daniel Baldwin is a drug addict!
2. Despite dieting and exercising, none of the celebrites really looked that fit.
3. Final makeovers were provided courtesy of Star Magazine!
4. Ralphie May has bigger boobs than his new fiancee!
5. Mia Tyler is not very smart.
6. Wendy the Snapple Lady can't run carrying the weight of her fat!

Be sure to tune if you missed it!

We're Bad: Brand New Beware of the Babylon Podcast!

This is a photo of MJ Cat and Todd reenacting what Thomas Mesereau did to Michael Jackson after he showed up late to court in his pajamas. Todd is playing the part of Michael Jackson and MJ Cat is playing the part of Mesereau.

For more entertaining Jackson reenactments, download our new podcast recorded from El Paso, home of the $13.95 lobster! Right click and "save target" to download to your media player!

http://libsyn.com/media/bewareofbabylon/podcastelpaso.mp3

Ask MJ Cat: Friday Catblog

It's time for everyone's favorite expert MJ Cat to answer your plaguing questions! MJ Cat just received his PhD in psychoanalysis from a top online university. He also has a MA in Cinema Studies, which according to the New York times is the "new M.B.A." MJ can answer questions on any topic from any human being.

MJ: I got the ring last night. How should I pop the question?--Eric F., York, PA

Eric: Women like to be taken out and proposed to in public. The tough part is that there really isn't anywhere too romantic in York, PA to pop the question. I mean the Depot isn't really going to cut it. You should do it when you are out walking your cat (or dog) with her late at night or at Walmart at 2AM. Get the ring out and get down on one knee when it's totally unexpected. Good luck and let us know her response!

MJ: How much should I be willing to pay for tickets to the ACC tournament?--Your Aunt Ellen, Washington, D.C.

Aunt Ellen: I never get to see you much so I don't know much about your finances. I did appreciate that cat bed you gave me last Christmas. If I had an opportunity to go see Garfield in person, I'd pay $150.

MJ: Why do guys spit in the street and women don't?--Rachel A, New York, NY

Rachel: I only spit when I'm really pissed off or at the vet, but I'm a classy cat. Classy cats don't spit. Perhaps you should examine the relationships you have with these men who feel so comfortable spitting all the time in front of you.

MJ: Have you read “The Kite Runner”? If so, what are your thoughts? If not, WHY NOT?--Dave, Miami, FL

Dave: I just finished "The Life of Pi" which was such a rewarding and wonderful novel and I've been searching for a new satisfying book to read. Based on your taste in women and cats, I suspect you have great taste in literature. I'll be sure to read this one next!

MJ: Have you ever tried crystal meth? There's such a hub-bub about it lately.-JH, New York, NY

JH: I have never tried crystal meth but I will now take this time to confess that I have a serious problem with catnip. If I don't get my nightly dose, I get mean and bite my owner on the calf. Hallucinogenic drugs are dangerous and when you get addicted, you can really upset your loved ones as they become slaves to your nasty habit.

MJ: Why would my fiance want to wear an ascot to our wedding? Is this a
request you would honor? Am i a bad fiancee if i don't let him express his
individuality through neckwear?--Shauna, New York, NY

Shauna: I'm a classic brown tabby with white so I would not find an ascot necessary as my white fur collar serves as a natural type of ascot. I'm old-school and I think men look best in their own basic fur in a properly fitted tuxedo. You are not being a bad fiancee, but if he insists on wearing his ascot, let him. Hopefully, after you get married, he'll be more comfortable in his own fur.

MJ: Do you think Micheal Jackson was wearing underpants under his pajamas in
court today?--Wyndham S., New York, NY

Wyndham: No, but I don't wear underpants either so we can't judge him on that. At least he wasn't wearing an ascot.

Dear Michael Jackson

Dear Michael,
I don't understand what you are thinking. Although I believe you are guilty and crazy, I can't comprehend how can you be so self-destructive and NOT SHOW UP for court on time? Did you think it was honestly a good idea to show up in slippers and pajamas after your lawyer had to frantically call you from outside the court once warrants were issued for your arrest? Nobody is buying all your health problems. Who in the hell is advising you? Liz Taylor? I used to love you, Michael. I still get excited when I hear Rock With You, but you are tainting my enjoyment of your songs with your insane behaviour. I also confess that I even use the Michael Jackson History mousepad in my office but I'm thinking of retiring it as it's becoming embarrassing to even mention your name. Please show up on time for your next hearings. You've already screwed up by allowing so many kids to hang out with you at the crazy Neverland Ranch and why in the hell did you let that guy make the documentary about you? Being Wacko doesn't mean you have to be so stupid.

Benefit for Aaron Tonight

This photo is of our friend Aaron who had two heart attacks this year. As you can see, Aaron is hot. Below are the details for a benefit tonight at the Knitting Factory for his medical bills along with his band The Giraffes. I am hoping to go, but I now have to be at work at the crack of dawn.

On January 3rd of this year Aaron died..... twice.
(he got better)
This show is to help with his medical bills.
Benefit for Aaron Lazar
March 9th, Knitting Factory Main Space
6pm doors, 7pm start $10 advance/$12 day of show:

Wasting My Brain on Michael Jackson

I confess that each night between the hours of 7:30PM-8:00PM I am home watching the reenactment of the Michael Jackson trial on E!. Last night I was caught when my mother called me and I told her I couldn't speak to her until after the show was over. She then yelled at me that watching the E! MJ Trial Reenactment was "a waste of time and intelligence." She expressed that having "some guy dress up like Michael Jackson" was "stupid and ridiculous." I defended the program stating E! uses actual transcripts and that real lawyers provide commentary. She then rebutted, "It's not even on Court TV."

Things You'll Learn in the New Podcast

Download our new podcast here and find out about

-the Beckisode
-my favorite food
-movies that make us cry
-Gilbert O'Sullivan's possible links to Satan

and much more!!!!

He Works Hard for the Money: Friday Catblog

I had a tough week mousing and it feels so good to be home where I don't have to work. I learned some stuff this week mousing at the restaurant:

1. Don't bite the hand that feeds you. I bit my boss and he was so scared of me that he wouldn't pet me anymore.
2. Somebody hates you at your office. There is always some guy who is allergic to you, hates your species or thinks you are a nuisance. This person might kick you or pretend to hit you or make fun of you behind your back. This happens at all jobs.
3. Take your own blanket to work. It's nice to have something from home to remind you of your life outside of your workplace. I also take my own food.

Striking Out in the Dominican Republic

These are the men my friend Kristen and I met in the DR. Although we didn't hook up with any guys, I did learn important life lessons from our new friends. Here are the men we met in the DR:

1. Canadian Pro-Bowlers: We met them within 10 minutes of arriving. Rob, the head pro-bowler, approached us in the pool bar as we were sampling our first taste of the addictive Coco Loco cocktail. Rob was escorted by his friends RC and Schmittie. On our last night, we invited them to meet us to smoke cigars. RC never spoke except to give fashion commentary on the Oscars. We're going to visit them for the Calgary Stampede. Rob invited us to stay in his house, but we think that might be a little weird and his wife Monique (who we never met) might be pissed. Rob resembled Sam Elliot in the movie Mask and has made me rethink about the type of men that I should be dating.

2. Taxi Driver: I had only been in town for less than five minutes, when our driver Pedro proposed to me. His wife had left him and taken their daughter back to Santo Domingo and he was living with his grandfather in a hut. Impressively, I conducted this entire conversation in Spanish. If you ever plan to go the DR, gain a little weight before your trip. The locals dig a fat ass and you will be treated like a celebrity.

3. The Wheeler: Kristen and I were fascinated by this one dude who used his own feet to rapidly wheel himself in his own wheelchair. His Pamela Anderson type woman always was lagging behind him. Kristen saw him get out of his chair at the buffet and she claims he was entirely fully mobile. The next time I go on vacation, I'm getting a wheelchair so I can get through the terrible Miami airport much faster.

4. Fat Man Skinny Man: Fat Man Skinny Man were our favorite men. Fat Man was really really fat and Skinny Man was really really skinny. Fat Man wore a bathing suit with his ass crack hanging out along with a green bandana tied around his forehead. He always had a cigarette hanging out from his top lip, even when he was in the outdoor shower. Skinny Man was so skinny that his ribs showed through his skin. We couldn't figure out they knew each other and why such a fat man would travel with such a gaunt man to an all-inclusive resort. Kristen guessed that perhaps they worked together in the French sewers and one of them had one the lottery and taken his best buddy on vacation. They took one another's photos beside a palm tree, and that was the only time I saw Fat Man smile. On our last night, we decided we would comb the resort to find them and finally speak with them. When we located them at the pool bar, they were singing Quebec songs with two broads that suddenly appeared. Both of the women were so drunk, that Fat Man Skinny Man had to take them back to their rooms. Skinny Man put one woman on each arm and Fat Man lagged behind them holding their purses. Sadly, that was our farewell to Fat Man Skinny Man. I wonder if people called Kristen and I Fat Lady Skinny Lady as Kristen is so skinny I was starting to feel very fat by the end of the trip. In any case, I learned if you want to talk to somebody, you better do it immediately, or you might lose your chance.

5. Pablo: Pablo owned a stand in the market. We wanted to buy a monkey, a rooster and a turtle. Pablo gave us too high of a price but we vowed to return with some pesos the next day to haggle. Pablo made me kiss him goodbye. When we returned, Pablo had a substitute manning his store. Pablo was at English school and the new guy gave us our wares for a much lower price than Pablo. Items are cheaper to buy on a Monday when the store owner is at school learning English.

6. Italian George Hamilton: I was taken on a surprise tour of a brand new five-star hotel which was owned by the resort that had invited me to stay for four glorious days. I was escorted by a handsome Italian man who gave me an espresso as we discussed Donatella Versace for two hours. Donatella travels with 20 bags of luggage, all her jewelry, her hairdresser and a bodyguard. She demands two full-length mirrors be placed in her room. I actually got to see where Donatella bathed out in the open in her balcony bathtub. We didn't have a full-length mirror in our room. For probably the only time in my life, I wished I was Donatella Versace. When I'm at the beach, I never look glamorous and am in desperate need of a hairdresser. The next I go, I'm taking my makeup case.

Coco Locos

I'm back from my Dominican vacation where I drowned my tension in a cocktail called the Coco Loco which is best sampled from a bar stool located inside of a swimming pool. I will have a full report tonight once my sunburnt lips deflate, I debloat and I get this fish poison out of my foot.

Gone Mousing by MJ Cat

I'll be away mousing until next week while my owner tans herself in the Caribbean. Here I am with my travel bag which includes my blanket, cat chows, Pounce treats, litter and my catdancer. If you are in New York City and you know where I work, stop by and say hello!

Jay from PA Won Project Runway!

Although Austin Scarlett lost, I am pleased Pennsylvanian Jay beat out Wendy and Kara Saun. For those of you who missed it, the finale of Project Runway was two hours of gripping television. Kara Saun acted like an entitled bitch and Wendy Pepper makes funny faces when she's confronted. Jay's line deserved to win, but it reminded me of Marc Jacobs in many ways. Well, I finally have my Wednesday nights back.

Jay McCarroll wins first 'Project Runway', but popular series' future uncertain - Reality TV World - News, information, episode summaries, message boards, chat and games for unscripted television programs

Who Needs Christo?

Mike Argento, the columnist for the York Daily Record, compares New York's Central Park to York's Cherry Lane. I have seen both the Gates and have spent some time on Cherry Lane. I can't critique the murals on Cherry Lane since I haven't been there since 1989 when I made out with some boy I met at Zakie's Night Club under-21 Sunday. I hung out at two Under-21 clubs in York when I was a teenager. One was Big City Under 21 Nite Club and the second one was on the third floor of Zakie's on Sunday nights. To this day, I still feel a slight sense of vacancy on both Friday and Sunday nights. I've never been able to fill that void where I danced in a dark smoky room to New Order and Bronski Beat. In any case, I can't picture the guy I kissed or the painting of a man chopping off a woman's toenail on Cherry Lane. In 16 years, I wonder if I will be able to visualize the Gates. Who needs Christo? We have our own special art - York Daily Record

Project Runway Finale

Tonight I will have to say goodbye to my favorite program Project Runway. I hope that bitch Wendy Pepper loses.

We'd Like to Thank the Academy Podcast

Our inaugural podcast received so much response that we decided to do it again!

This week, Beware of the Blog and NYCBabylon give our thoughts on the upcoming Oscar nominations from the historical Chumley's. We do not have a special guest, as everyone we invited said we were not "big" enough for them to stop by and give us some time. So, please help us to become bigger and if you want to be on the show, please let us know.


To listen, go to this link and right click and "Save as Target" to download to your computer.

I Love Ooh La Lift!

Combined with Boing Concealer and Ambien, Ooh La Lift is the best cosmetic product available on the market. I didn't realize how old and tired I look until a woman at Bloomingdales showed me the magic of this product on one eye. I now look like I'm 21!

Big Black Hole Tuesday

OK, I had a bizarre weekend which left me wondering about the state of the world in which I live. Here are my unanswered questions:

1. In the Paris Hilton Sidekick transcripts, she mentions "Baltazar Getty." Is she referring to Lost Highway actor Balthazar Getty? Is he alive? Is he off the stuff? Why did Paris think about him on 9/10/2004?
2. What was upiwth my date on Sunday night and why was he such a jackass?
3. What is this pain in my right hand? Is it arthritis?
4. For how many more seasons will American Idol last?

A Beer and a Shot in the Dark

Last night I think I had one of my worst dates ever. Here are some signs your date might be going very badly:

1. He shows up in an old ratty grey t-shirt and jeans. You are supposed to go to a French restaurant so you are dressed up in a cute silk skirt and sexy top.
2. He orders a shot before he even says hello to you. He doesn't ask what you would like to drink.
3. He calls you before the date and changes the time so that he can "get a workout in." You are already applying your eyeliner.
4. Despite your charming attempts at conversation, he finishes his beer, finally looks at you, tells you he's just not up for conversation and says, "I'm going home." He leaves you sitting alone at the bar. Only 15 minutes have passed.

If this ever happens to you, go immediately to you gay boyfriend's house. He will make you feel better and tell you that look fabulous and don't smell.

Total Target Recall!

For those of you who shop at Target, please be aware that this $25 is being recalled. The heel is falling off and women everywhere are falling and breaking their ankles! Go to Target for full details!

Wink, Wink: MJ Cat's Friday Catblog

My person is under strict orders to NOT mention me or show my photos on any dates. As the main cat in NYCBabylon's life, if any of you suitors come across this blog you should know the following:

1. I sleep in the bed with her and she cuddles and doesn't snore. Her ass makes a very nice pillow.
2. If you piss her off, she'll lock you in the bathroom.
3. She likes to take photos with her camera phone.
4. I am grateful that she gave me a nice home. Perhaps one day you will get as lucky.
5. She provides fresh food and water. Sometimes she brings me home surprises.
6. If you get sick, she'll stay with you until you recover.

I Love the Liger!

The Post must have been low on news since today I enjoyed articles on screwing hawks and a 800 lb. liger!

My Politics

I received a comment yesterday about the fact that I rarely discuss my politics. For those of you who know me personally, you know I have a sister with high political aspirations and I must take special care to not become the Roger Clinton or Billy Carter of our family. She already found out about this blog and is upset that I am sharing personal anecdotes over the public Internet. In the meantime, I do have some political views that I will share with you.

1. If you are a woman, you should vote in every election. Women were once not allowed to vote and your elders fought for you to have this human right. I always vote.
2. If a person is cruel to animals, he or she should go to jail. If a person has a drug problem, he or she should get some help.
3. New York City deserves more money for protection against terrorists.
4. Anyone who wants to get married should be able to.
5. Intelligent design should not be taught in public schools.
6. Rich people should pay more taxes and stop complaining about it.
7. Social Security should be saved.
8. Music and art programs should be saved in public schools.

I Have Many Secrets

This blog is fabulous. I'm posting a secret next week.

PostSecret

The Perfect TV Show for the "Hip, Young and Gay."

Don't forget to watch Project Runway tonight!

The New York Times > Arts > Television > TV Watch | 'Project Runway': Hemlines on the Stand: A Design-Off for Fashion Glory

Who Got the Salad Spinner?

The older I get, the more men I meet with ex-wives. When I find out a man was once married, first I look in the New York Times to see if the wedding was written up. I like to see if the woman was able to stop working before the wedding or to see if the wedding even made the paper at all. My next step is to do an extensive search for an old bridal registry that can perhaps reveal what went wrong in the marriage and give secret insight into a man's real personality. Here are my findings out of a study of three men I've dated who were once married:

1. All three men registered at Bloomingdales and were married in 2000.
2. All three registered for the OXO Good Grips Salad Spinner. Only Man #1
received it. Man #1 was very into tossing salads and his wedding was the only
one not written up in the Times.
3. Man #1 only registered for a set of Wusthof knives, and yet received only one
8" cleaver. Man #2 received a full set of Henckles knives. Man #3 only
registered for the Henckles Four Star 8" Chef's Knife which he did receive.
Isn't it bad luck to receive a knife as a gift? Perhaps these marriages were all
doomed by the registry itself.
4. Man #1 registered for Le Creuset cookware. Man #2 registered for Analon
Professional cookware and Man #3 registered for Calphalon pans. It's too bad
it didn't work out with Man #1, because I prefer Le Creuset.
5. Man #1 and Man #2 did not register for any barware or drinking glasses while
Man #3 registered for a set of Christofle red wine glasses. Man #1 and Man #2
are heavy drinkers.
6. Only Man #2 registered for linens including a down pillows and a down comforter.
This means he is most likely not adverse to living with a cat.

Inaugural Podcast!

So, Beware of the Blog and I have teamed up on the new trend of PODCASTING. For those of you not in the know, PODCASTING is a special broadcast which you can download to your iPod or listen to from your computer. Over your lunchbreak, on your commute or on the elliptical trainer, Beware of the Babylon Podcast will provide you with approximately 27 minutes of New York City commentary and gossip .

We will be broadcasting from a different location in New York City each week.
Special guest stars to be announced soon.

This week's show comes from the Angelika Film Center in the West Village.

If the link doesn't work, right click and save as target HERE:



When you get to the link, right click, and download the mp3 to your iTunes or Windows Media Player. The easiest way to download is to "right click" on the title of this article "Inaugural Podcast" and then go to "Save Target."

Enjoy!

Worst Vday Ever

I only have three hours to go until this rockbottom day officially ends. I always say that New Year's Eve to Valentine's Day is just one downward spiral, and this year, I was right. Tonight I came home from work, went to the gym, and ate a turkey burger and an orange. Now, I'm watching the Westminster Dog Show. My friend Jeff is very upset I failed to mention my evening last Friday night. He's upset I didn't write about how I kissed a friend on a dare and actually considered going home with a gay man. He doesn't understand that this behavior was just part of the downward spiral. Now, I'm waiting for the sun to shine tomorrow so I can start feeling like a normal human being again. For now, I'll let MJ Cat bite me until midnight.

Valentine's Day for the Single Cat: Friday Catblog

Valentine's Day is only a couple of days away, and as always, I'm single and going to be spending it alone locked up in the apartment. Here's how I am going to survive what can be a very lonely day for a single cat.

1. I am going to curl up and snuggle with my person. She's a woman in her thirties and I'm a cat and this is a big day for all those like us to celebrate our circumstantial relationship.
2. I am going to eat Fancy Feast rather than my usual boring dry Iams chows. Calories don't count on Monday.
3. I am going to run around the hall and get some exercise. Spring is on the way and I need to look good.
4. I am going to go nuts with my catdancer. I am going to jump as high as I can.
5. I am going to examine the closets and see what all that crap is in there buried at the bottom.

Goodbye Austin!

Austin, I will miss you. My friend Jessica called and left a message last night for me stating that she thinks the reason that I fell for Austin so hard was because he must remind me of my old friend from middle school named Chris Leach. The last time I saw Chris was at the 8th grade dance when he took all the dateless girls to the dance in a stretch limo. Chris wore a white tuxedo with tails. I somehow had a date so I didn't talk to Chris that evening. He didn't enter high school with us and I never knew what happened to him. Did he reinvent himself as Austin Scarlett?

He Wants to Make the World Beautiful

I have watched hours and hours of reality television since the Real World premiered in the early 90's. I have never cried during any of these programs...until tonight. Austin Scarlett was tragically eliminated on Project Runway and Wendy Pepper, the talentless hack, made it to the final three in his place. And who is to blame for this national travesty? The also talentless and tasteless Nancy O'Dell from Access Hollywood chose the very ugly Pepper creation over Austin's beautiful and tasteful gown. Nancy, you are now guaranteed to look like an asshole on the red carpet. Austin, when you make it as a big time designer, I will become your client. I hope you one day dress me because I know in your hands, I will look and feel beautiful.

Ward Churchill update

To see the latest on Hamilton College's response to the Ward Churchill fiasco, click here.

A Perfect Day

So, yesterday was supposed to be a 5-star day, but it wasn't. So, this morning, I woke up and tried to recount previous 5-star days. I am qualifying a "5-star" day as a day when some point during that time period, I remember thinking, "This is such a perfect day. I am totally happy right now."

Here's what I remember as being perfect days:

September 2004--An early fall sunny day included a nice bridal luncheon, a spa date with Mr. Book and dinner at Les Halles. Mr. Book also gave me a book as a gift. This was right after we first met and didn't hide from one another.

August 2003--The day I achieved Lifetime status at Weight Watchers was such a great day!

January 2003--The day began with my first Brazilian bikini wax which turned out to be a painless and satisfying experience. Afterwards, my close male friend The Declinist and I spent the day and night together in snowy below-freezing weather. We first met for dinner at McDonald's and then went to meet our friend George Charlton at the Gramercy Park Hotel. George acted crazy and gave me two Hello Kitty vibrators as a belated X-mas present. This made me angry for some reason which was actually kind of funny. The Declinist and I went back to his place, gossiped and had a non-erotic erotic evening where he sneaked a peek at the wax. He let me sleep over and let me tell you, the Declinist has the MOST COMFORTABLE bed ever.

March 1999--My friend Max escorted me around LA right before the Oscars and let me see the red carpet in person. He also took me shopping at Fred Segal which was way and beyond the call of duty for a straight male friend. Then we went back to Venice Beach, ate fish tacos and watched the Awards. That was a fun day.

May 1993--I hosted a Bloody Mary party on the field right before I graduated college. My best friends and I drank bloodies all day in our bathing suits and then we went back to my room and cried as we watched all the members of 90210 graduate from high school.

March 1993--My first love Morgan and I were in Telluride. We went skiing, fooled around in the jacuzzi, had dinner and then went to see the movie Groundhog Day. I think of that day every time I see that movie on TV and wish I could live that day over and over again. That was also the day I ate my first tomato.

July 1991--WHFS festival on the 4th of July. My best friend Jessica and all of our favorite bands--all day long.

August 1989--I had this crazy 18th birthday party where nobody showed up except my very best friends. Some other girl was having a beer bash across town and my mother wouldn't serve any alcohol to underage kids so everyone went to Linda's party instead of my pool party/crab bash. My friend Howard videotaped the entire day which included my party, my friend Patrick accompanying me and Jessica on my new guitar to Boy's Don't Cry, Stephanie dancing to James Taylor's You've Got a Friend, Jessica and me playing Space Station pinball at Sub's Unlimited Plus and then all of us driving around in my red Dodge Raider looking for my boyfriend Chip. This was such a perfect teenage day, and was my last innocent free day before I moved away to college the next morning.

May 1988--The day of the York County Jr. Miss pageant was such an exciting and fabulous day. This was also the last time I would ever be that skinny and tan in a white beaded gown.

November 1986--My friend Jessica and I had started going to Big City Under 21 Nightclub and they erected this cage in the middle of the dance floor. I distinctly remember us totally having a moment in the cage rocking out to a-ha's song The Sun Only Shines on TV. We thought we were so cool.

My Five Star Day

According to my horoscope, today is supposed to be a 5-star day. So, far nothing has happened beyond the ordinary. Here is my day so far...

7:30 AM--Wake up with MJ Cat's ass in my face
8:15 AM--Chase MJ up and down the steps as he escapes the apartment as I'm leaving for work
9:00 AM--Attend very boring all-company meeting
10:30-12:15PM--Return to office and work
12:15 PM--Pick up lunch from Wolfgang Sucks
12:30 PM-- Make copies to take to my boss who forgot to take them along for her meeting
12:30-1:30PM--Work
1:30PM-2:30PM--Go to H&R Block and get ripped off
2:30PM-3:45PM--Work
3:45PM-3:50PM--Quick personal call from my friend Joe to discuss his cat
5:00PM-5:30PM--Leave office and commute home
5:30PM-7:00PM--Chill out and watch NY1. Handwash bras.
7:00-8:00--Brazilian Tummy Tuck class at Equinox


That leaves only 4 hours for something spectacular to happen, because this so far, has not been a 5-star day!

I Love "Love is in the Heir"

I don't love her as much as I adore Austin Scarlett, but I have a bizarre fascination with "Princess" Ann Claire from the E! Reality Show, Love is in the Heir. For those of you who haven't watched it, the program chronicles the adventures of an exiled Iranian "princess" who is working hard to become a Nashville singer. She needs to prove herself to her parents, or they will financially cut her off and she will be forced to give up her personal assistant and Hollywood Hills pad. I won't tell you how it all works out, but I learned that if this crazy broad can call herself a princess, I am, in fact, a princess of the same degree.

MJ Cat Savant: Friday Catblog

Again this week, MJ Cat is answering questions on any topic. With his PhD in Cultural Studies, MJ is an expert on everything and anything. If you would like to "Ask MJ," send an email to nycbabylontips@aol.com.


Dear MJ: Is is it ever acceptable for a man to wear jewelry? Can I wear my diamond tiara to the Oscars?--Wyndham S.,NY, NY

Dear Wyndham: It's never acceptable for a man or a cat to wear any kind of jewelry unless it is a tasteful wedding band or cufflinks. This also applies for gay men unless you are unless, of course, the impeccable Austin Scarlett from Project Runway. Carson Kressley can't even get away with a diamond tiara. Are you going to the Oscars? I'd like to go. I don't get out much and I walk on leash and with my impeccable grooming and tasteful fur, I'd be a smash on the red carpet.

Dear MJ: Does anyone ever enjoy networking for business purposes?--Rachel A., NY, NY

Dear Rachel: I enjoy getting out of the house whenever I get the chance. Even social networking can lead to business deals. If it weren't my owner's social/business networking, I'd still be living in the basement of a restaurant. Just remember, always take the meeting.

Dear MJ: How do I get my baby off the bottle?--Diane A., New York, NY

Dear Diane: Thank god it's a baby. NYCBabylon recently was trying to get someone off the bottle and it ruined their relationship. I kind of keep this a secret, but I drink out of mug. Why don't you try offering your baby a tippy cup and just keep patiently trying. Training a baby is like training a cat. Just be patient, show affection and be persistent!

Dear MJ: What's the difference between sushi and sashimi? And what's the allure of the handroll?--Chris G, New York, NY

Dear Chris: You know how I like my fish raw and pure, but sashimi is my personal preference because I'm a cat. Sushi is fish over the rice. As for the handrolls, it's a great gimmick so you don't have to share with someone who wants to eat all of your roll!

Dear MJ: I'm going to Southern California in the Spring and don't know what to wear. What should I pack?--Ellen W., Washington D.C.

Dear Ellen: I'm not really into clothes, as I'm a cat, but I do watch Project Runway. You know those Banana Republic commercials that are on Project Runway showing the early Spring line? Those types of outfits would be great for L.A. Jeans, short sleeve silky tops and light-weight coats will make you look comfortable California cool.

Dear MJ: How can I surprise my husband for Valentine's Day?--Jessica H., New Boston, NH

Dear Jessica: I always like it when I get surprised with a cat-nip filled cigar and a cat massage.

Don't Think Twice, It's Alright

I'm reading Bob Dylan's Chronicles now, and I have to admit, I strive to one day to be able to poetically express myself like Bob.

I saw someone last night who broke my heart and it was hard to get my words out. I wish I could have just quoted Bob's great song Don't Think Twice, finished my drink and then went home to watch Project Runway.

I'm walkin' down that long, lonesome road, babe
Where I'm bound, I can't tell
But goodbye's too good a word, gal
So I'll just say fare thee well
I ain't sayin' you treated me unkind
You could have done better but I don't mind
You just kinda wasted my precious time
But don't think twice, it's all right

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Austin Always in Style

Last night after seeing my ex who was trying his very hardest to act normal and composed, I was relieved to return home to see my favorite boy on TV, Austin Scarlett. Nobody can turn a dark night into pure sunshine like my boy Austin. Also, I was surprised today that other Web sites are now reporting on Austin one week after my pledge of allegiance to this new king of Reality TV fashion!

How cute is Phil? Like most men in my life, he's going to retreat for a few more weeks leaving me cold and alone.

Hamilton College's Decision

Over the past couple of days, I've received numerous emails, phone calls and have seen quite a bit of local coverage regarding Hamilton College's invitation to Ward Churchill to speak on a panel. Ward Churchill's recent statements comparing the victims of the 9/11 attacks to Nazi's and that the victims could be "blamed" caused a national controversy and upset many New Yorkers, victims' families and Jews, including myself. I'm also an alumna of the college and distraught that this is the second time this month that college would tarnish it's reputation with such careless management. The college sent out "special emails" to alums regarding the situation and has cancelled the lecture due to officials receiving "death threats." Frankly, I know that Hamilton is most concerned with losing donations from alums and our class president in the past has urged us to not give money when the school makes such poor decisions.

I have fond memories of my Hamilton years and am more than satisfied with the complete liberal arts education that I received. My former academic advisor and mentor actually directs the Kirkland Project which has been responsible for inviting these controversial speakers. I am conflicted because she taught me to wholeheartedly voice my opinions, to not be afraid to ask questions and to believe in my own accomplishments in order to become a successful independent female presence. A much needed liberal voice during my undergraduate years, she now seems to have cloudy business judgment from spending over twenty years in am ultra-conservative academic environment.

Coincidentally, I was out of work during the 9/11 attacks and was getting ready for a job interview at the WTC at 9:30AM that very morning. Also, I am still paying off my Hamilton College student loans.

Check Out that Cheney

This exact photograph represents what is wrong with our country today. For those of you still wearing Norwegian fishermen sweaters, THROW THEM AWAY! From now on, whenever I see someone wearing something completely inappropriate to an event, I will sneer in his face and then say to my date, "Check out that Cheney."

Big Black Hole Tuesday

After a busy week of dates and fine dining and fun, I'm again in the Big Black Hole. Perhaps the hole will appear less frequently once the temperatures rise. Here are my questions for this week:

1. What ever happened to that guy who sent me the song last week? He seems to have disappeared.
2. Why are so many Americans prejudice against Canadians?
3. Will the allergy shots really help me since I refuse to get rid of my cat?
4. What's the difference between the Procor and the Elliptical trainer?
5. Do blondes really have more fun?