Oscar LiveBlog 2013

It's Oscar Time. Before the show starts at 8:30, here's a rundown of my thoughts.1. Yes, I still can't stand Guiliana The Panda but Ryan Seacrest is becoming equally annoying.2. I don't have one favorite film this year. I secretly loved Life of Pi. I will be happy if Argo or Silver Linings Win. I think Speilberg is a hack.3. I could give a rat's ass about Seth McFarland. I don't know how he got this job.4. Are people telling Kelly Osbourne that her hair looks good that shade? She's kept it like that for over a year.5. There needs to be some new stylists in Hollywood. All these girls look the same.6. Bradley Cooper is my new favorite male star. HOT.7. I want Ang Lee to win best director and I'm sad Richard Parker wasn't nominated.Jane Fonda gives me a major Dynasty flashback.8:22Kristen Chenoweth is annoying the hell out of me but it's good to see Rene Zellweger is still alive. Don't care for the dress though.

8:30
Show started. Don't get Seth McFarland
. Who is this guy? These jokes suck.

The boobs song was demeaning, sexist and upsetting.

Samuel Jackson's face is priceless.

8:56
Travolta in the house!

What is happening here?

9:03
Richard Parker broke my heart when he went into the jungle. Seth McFarland is a huge douchebag. I'd be a better host.

Love Samuel Jackson's attitude. Life of pi wins the award for making me cry the hardest in 2012.

This dude looks better than Hathaway.
9:21
I am so disgruntled with the host that in having trouble enjoying this.

9:30
I never understood the fascination with James Bond.

9:53
Now I'm excited! Musical tribute!

Sing it! Glad to see talented women onstage rather than being exploited by McFarland.

I don't care what they say. I love Russell Crowe.

10:11
You let Ted present?!?? Where in the hell is Richard Parker?
10:24

I hope this means we don't have to see Hathaway for awhile.

10:36
Adele is killing it.

10:48
I think Kristin is on Vicodin.

10:51
How is it Selma Hayek still doesn't speak English?

Max watching in memorium as usual

11:27
Thank god!

11:35
My favorite director and my own personal Richard Parker.

11:44
Jennifer Lawrence is the millennial generations' Julia Roberts.

Meryl brings some class. My man ddl is going to win. Did anyone see Joaquin shake his head?

Oscar Liveblog 2012

It's the biggest night of my year-The Oscars. My friend Ken just called me and told me he thinks of me more on this night than my birthday. As the red carpet is on, I'm prepping dinner and gathering my thoughts before the big show at 8:30. Here are some things you need to know about how I feel about the red carpet.
1. I hate Guiliana The Panda Rancic. I think she's a terrible interviewer and is like a Kardashian turd...talentless and boring. I miss Joan and Melissa.
2. What is up with Kelly Osborne's hair? How did she get this job?
3. Yikes! Bernice Bejo just showed up and lost her first chance of looking like a movie star...bad hair and she looks washed out in her dress.
4. I am not a George Clooney fan although he was OK in The Descendants. I'm more of a Brad Pitt fan and loved Moneyball.
5. The Artist is my favorite runner in tonight's telecast.
6. Tilda Swinton was robbed of a nomination.

Lost fashion opportunity.

Clooney's broad dresseds up like a trophy.
6:59

Why does Viola Davis look like she has aged 20 years since the SAG Awards?

Ryan Seacrest gets the ashes of a dead body thown on him on the Red Carpet. This has been the highlight...and I love Sascha Baron Cohen...Ryan can't seem to recover..

Gwyneth vies for this year's Madame award.
8:09

Bitch stole my look!
8:30
What is wrong with Billy Crystal's face? Prednisone? Botox? Doesn't matter. This has got to be better than last year's fiasco. Oh, god they are making him do the song.
8:46
Will Hugo win best picture? It just might...picking up cinematography and art direction?
8:51
Who is responsible for these jokes tonight? I want names.
8:53
Are we supposed to see J Lo's nip?

9:12
I kind of wanted Melissa McCarthy to win.....and I need to know what color lipstick JLo is wearing...but congratulations to Octavia Spencer.
9:18
Who focused grouped these Christopher Guest clan jokes? . I'd love to see him in a film with Melissa McCarthy. "Dirty Little Monkeys..."
Bradley Cooper looks weird with a mustache, btw.
9:34
Miss Piggy actually looks better than some humans. I also dislike Cirque de Soleil more than Pilobolus. Where's Debbie Allen when you need her?
9:45
Lots of cats in the Animated Category, but best goes to Rango which was a great film.
10:11
Jesus, this is boring.....who is writing these jokes? Bruce Villanch? I hope to god they don't bring out Yo Yo Ma and perform Man or Muppet!

Penny and Owen can't even spice this up.
10:18
Yes, Man or Muppet won best song! Most exciting award of the night! But, why didn't they perform it?

HOT.
10:37
Where's Jack Turner?
10:44
Thi

This may be my favorite dress of the night.
10:53
Thank god for Michael Douglas to add some star power to the evening.
10:59
Death montage coming up......my favorite part.

Max pays his respects.

Who is this?
a. Kenny Rogers
b. Santa Claus
c. Nick Nolte
11:13
I hope my boyfriend DeJardin wins!
11:17
I think I need to confess right now-I loved Moneyball.
11:21
So glad that hack Clooney didn't win! Go Jean D! Just don't let Hollywood turn you into a Banderas!
11:24
Colin Firth is so hot that straight men are texting me to tell me so.
11:28
Meryl, no need to look surprised. You deserved it!
11:32
OK, we're at the end now.

Tom is still the cat's ass. And, Uggie is there!

Ok, it's done and I'm tired. Good night.

LIKE A VIRGINcast

we made it through the wilderness...

Don't Come the Cowboy With Me, Sonny Jim

Pandora can be psychic. This Kirsty MacColl classic completely summarizes my state of mind right now.

Back to Black

I never quite understood why people have "mid life crises" until now that I am approaching my 40th birthday in 3 weeks. How in the hell did I become a combination of Marlo Thomas in That Girl combined with Little Edie combined with Blanche from the Golden Girls? It's enough to make mew want to go out and blow all my savings and take up with a 22 year old hipster from Williamsburg. I am questioning where the hell did the all the time go and wtf did I accomplish in it and I'm not so sure. I found so much confidence in my 30s and now I feel like my core is somewhat shaken. So, to you all you single ladies approaching 40 in the next few weeks, I recommend the following as I'm trying very hard to follow my own advice and while it's hard, it's somehow pulling me through...
1. Be an emotional risk taker. You have nothing to lose and put yourself out there while you can still walk and reach menopause. Love those back that care about you.
2. Blow money on good times while you can still have them.
3. No matter what, do not get another cat. (I almost did this and I'm glad I didn't or it would have distracted from my travels.)
4. Travel and have fun.
5. Be gentle with yourself. I always hear this phrase from my friends who have emerged from the depths of hell.

Last Couple Days on Earth

Is the end of the world on Saturday, May 21st? Should I be nervous about this? I've been anxious enough as it is and now it could perhaps all come to an end....

Biggest Mistakes of My Life

I am in the process of being considered to adopt a three-legged cat. My mother who every day becomes more of a curmudgeon gave me the unsolicited advice that if I get this cat, I'm going to make "the worst mistake" of my life. Well, for the record, I've made a lot bigger mistakes in my almost 40 years. Here they are (not in order).

1. Sitting on the floor of the car while our German Shepard was sitting on the seat while my dad was listening to the CB radio which resulted in a dog bite across my face resulting in a scar and almost losing an eye.
2. Not saving any money in my 20s resulting in major financial hardships and credit issues that have taken many years to resolve.
3. Not considering the proposal with the love of my life in my 20s resulting in a situation where I'm a lonely old maid considering adopting a three-legged cat.
4. The time I knocked over the vase of flowers during an interview at Vogue.
5. Knocking out my front tooth winding up a tennis net.
6. Bleaching my own hair after watching Lost Highway.

See, I don't make many mistakes.