Tonight is one of my favorite liveblogging events of the year--The Costume Institute Gala Benefit at the Met! The theme is "Superheroes and Fantasy" which has prompted some very strange outfit choices. I think I would have dressed at Catwoman if I was actually invited.
Hostess Anna Wintour dresses up as the Hulk! I didn't know the Incredible Shrinking Woman counted as a fantasy or a super hero. I'm not sure what they are going for here, but I have to give a shout out to Posh and Becks. Like Eva Amurri, I often wonder how I'd also fit into my old prom gown. Christina Ricci or Dyna Girl? Isn't Giselle being paid in Euros now? She should have more money for fabric. I don't have a clever vagina joke or any kind of crass joke Sarah Silverman would make about her own outfit. I do have to say that everyday on my way to work I walk pass Dress Barn and wonder who shops there. Now I know. A Super Hero in her own right, MJ Blige looks just fine! Wonder Twin Powers, Activate! Nothing's Gonna Stop Him Now! Scientology Super Hero Tom Cruise drags his mannequin to the ball.
Sunday, May 04, 2008
For those who missed my photo in Response Magazine, check me out here. We actually had our hair and makeup done for the shoot and as I modeled, I tried to take direction for Tyra and "say it with my eyes." Aren't my eyes saying, "I mean business, bitch!"
I've been spending time in an alternate reality where people don't work, have taxidermy clutter rooms and ampitheaters and actually live in this house. And, I could go live there in the future. What do you think I should do?
Deep grief is an emotion I don't wish upon even my worst enemy. Since my dear friend Teeks unexpectedly passed away last June, I was feeling dull, sad, in shock and uninspired. Perhaps it is spring, but the dark cloud in my heart is starting to lift and I'm beginning to feel a little more like myself again. And, it's strange how small things can bring you back. My new chair from Room and Board gave me a new throne to sit on. I moved my crap into storage and threw out old dirty crap. I have an awesome team working for me at my job. I'm hosting a Passover Seder on Sunday and actually feel like celebrating with my friends. I went on a date last week. I'm going to visit my old friend in Maine next week.
But the truth is, I haven't felt much like writing and keeping this blog has been difficult for me as it's hard to be funny when all one feels is pain, sadness and a deep sense of true mortality. It's Friday night and I just cleaned the kitchen and I'm sitting here now and listening to Bob Dylan's album Blood on the Tracks which is sad, painful and cathartic which has inspired to write this post. It's a wonder I still know how to breathe.
So, Bret chose Ambre (yes, that's how the ho spells it) but most importantly, he reveals how he revealed some insight into his hair and bandanna on dlisted today. I wonder if he gets his hair done by Paves.
My hair is combined of my hair and the finest extensions Europe has to offer. I do the show without it on all the time and they wont film me. They are like, “Put your bandanna back on. It is your image.” It is my signature thing.
OK, as a result of the TV strike, I somehow became addicted to Rock of Love on Vh1. Aside from watching all the hos compete for washed up Brett Michael's love, I can't get past what the fuck is wrong with Brett Michael's hair. Is it a wig held on by a bandanna? Is it plugs? Is he bald? Does he think it looks good? How does he watch it? By the way, I hope Daisy wins. I'd love the see the self-sabotaging crazy girl get her man.
I've had an emotional and very busy week. So, I'm finally sitting down and contemplating the meaning of life as I hang with MJ Cat. Then, after watching Oprah cry about the death of her beloved 13 year old dog Sophie, I realized that, for now, MJ Cat just may be the meaning of my life. When I came home tonight, I smelled a very strong gas smell in my building so instinctively I called 911 and packed up MJ in his cat carrier in case we had to evacuate. As the firemen came barrelling in, I felt that MJ is one the one steady character in my life. He waits for me to come home and when I wake up in the morning he rolls around and purrs in excitement. He's taught me to be a kinder and more responsible person. As I write this, he is curled up beside me with his little tabby head on my ankle. I don't mean to sound like a crazy cat lady, but I love MJ just as Oprah loved her dog. Our sympathies are with you, Oprah.
As the TV season begins to pick up after the long WGA strike, I'd like to celebrate by listing some of my personal favorite TV moments from the past.
1. Kimberly's Wig Out on Melrose Place
Still sends a chill through my spine after all this time. 2. Daisy's Gratitude on Rock of Love 2
This is a recent entry, but Daisy's reaction to Brett choosing her despite all her skanks secrets confirms why I am still single. 3. We Are a Family from NBC 60th Anniversary Special
I'm not at Spring Break, but I've decided to do some Spring Cleaning. I've rented a small storage unit as a first step in cleaning my apartment and I've purchased some new furniture. I'm nesting now which is either a good thing or a scary thing.
So, if I'm feeling down and lonely and acting like there is no tomorrow, blame it on Singulair which I take on a daily basis. This allergy/asthma drugs has been linked with suicide deaths.
There comes a time in your life when one day you wake up and all the things that you may have considered cheeseball for the last twenty years of your hip young adult life suddenly become cute or sentimental. You can still appreciate the edgier side of culture, but I think as we get older and closer to death, we subconsciously begin to embrace the softer easier side of life. Here are some things that a mere five years ago I would have laughed at, but now I proudly enjoy without shame:
1. Beauty and Beast as sung by Celine Dion and Peabo Bryson. I heard this today while getting my lunch at a deli and finally fell into the magic of that song. Actually, I kind of like Celine Dion now too and tear up when I hear "My Heart Will Go On" from Titanic. 2. Cats-As you all know, I love MJ Cat and are about to celebrate our 5th year together. There is nothing cuter than a little kitty purring in your face. 3. Jason Castro-Even a year ago, I would have made fun of poor American Idol contestant Castro. Now, however, I've fallen under the spell of his charming songs and dreadlocks as if he's my friend's talented son.
I'm old and cranky and I hate text messages and prefer you call me via landline than text me. Tonight me, Wyndham and Jimmy all tried to decipher random text messages and I realized that we are just too old for text. It's like watching your mother struggle with Digital Cable or a Tivo. I especially the hate the following types of text messages:
1. I hate when people text to make last-minute plans or any plans for that matter. Call me. It's more effective and wastes less time. 2. I hate when I call someone and instead of calling me back, the person texts me. Texting does not count as a conversation. 3. I hate text booty calls. I'm sleeping and usually miss them. 4. I hate when someone I have interest in texts me to tell me that his girlfriend is in town. 5. I hate when I host a party and send an invitation and the person RSVPs via text.
Tonight after work, the wonderful colorist David Stanko made me RFB (Really Fuckin' Blonde) which is my new favorite term to describe haircolor. I'm giving him a shout out because I am blondorexic and happy with my results. Anyway, his salon is located in the same building as my beloved gyno which in the future can make my life so much easier. As my friends know, I have a secret crush on my gyno and having RFB hair will provide me with the excuse to visit that building more than once a year with the hope of running into my Dr. on a more frequent basis.
So, today I was photographed with my colleagues to be featured in the April issue of Response Magazine. Because I spent all afternoon in hair and makeup, I missed the breaking of the Spitzer story which has me all wound up. So, after work, I went to the gym and caught up on the scandal on the the elliptical trainer TV. Then, I decided to take a steam. As I go into the steam room, I realize that one of the two women in the room is openly masturbating. I have to tell you, I didn't know what to do so I just sat there and closed my eyes and prayed for her to realize she wasn't alone and leave. Instead, she starts moaning. Finally, she leaves but I don't want to look at her and I keep sitting there pretending it didn't happen. When I realized she moved her show into the sauna, I ran out and changed my clothes and went to speak to the manager who responded, "Well, that kind of stuff usually happens in the men's locker room. That's why we had to lock up the men's whirpool." New York is a den of sin.
When I can't sleep, I watch bad vh1 Celebreality, especially Flavor of Love with Flava Flav and Rock of Love with Brett Michaels. I find it fascinating that women are competing to get with these two washed up unappetizing has beens. Yet, the women are really trashy themselves. Anyway, my favorite part of the shows are the "competitions" where the hos compete in ridiculous challenges to "win" dates with the guys. For example, Brett had women so far compete in a peep booth showdown and a USO talent show. So, I decided, if I ever have my own reality show where men compete to get with me, here are the challenges:
1. Clean my Apartment Challenge-The man who does the best job cleaning my apartment without complaining gets a date with me. This is a big challenge cause my place is not neat. 2. Teach Max a new trick-The man who can teach MJ Cat a worthwhile cat trick with the least amount of scratches wins! 3. Cook in my Kitchen-The man who make the tastiest gourmet meal using my existing pantry in my tiny kitchen wins a date! 4. Hair and Makeup Challenge-The man who can do my hair and makeup in the morning and who proves to be heterosexual wins! 5. BAFTA Awardschallenge-I will take all the men to the BAFTA East Coast Awards party and the man who complains the least wins a one on one with me! 6. Poetry Challenge-The first man to get a poem about me published in a respectable literary publication wins some alone time! 7. Karaoke Talent Show-I will take all my himbos to Sing Sing and the man who performs the best version of a Phil Collins song of his choice gets a private room with me.
I'd like to welcome my new little friend Elizabeth to the world. She was born yesterday February 28th at 2;45PM. She is the daughter of my dear close friend Kristen and I'm so excited to have her join our NYC family!
Each year, I award the Madame Award which awards the celebrity who most captures the glamour and sass of the greatest puppet of all time Madame. This year was a close tie between Nicole Kidman and John Travolta, but Max and I agree John really captured the wooden glamour and bawdiness of Madame! Congrats, John!
Welcome to my third annual Oscar Liveblog. I am celebrating tonight's Oscars by eating a bunch of Spanish delicacies in honor of the very sexy Javier Bardem. I will be snacking again on smoked oysters and Nutty Buddies. I'm wearing black leggings and a grey sweatshirt. I'll be updating frequently thoughout the broadcast so let the commenting begin! Me gusta Javier Bardem! 8:05 I'm watching the preshows. There is so much red on the red carpet that it looks like Nancy Reagan is the new celebrity stylist of choice. Regis is making me very nervous. Oh my god, what in the hell happened to John Travolta's hair? John Travolta or Count Chocula? Anne Hathaway and Heidi Klum as styled by Nancy Reagan.
Tilda Swinton should plead guilty to this terrible Oscar look. 8:30 The show is starting and I'm so excited the Oscars are really happening! It was such a great year for movies including There Will Be Blood, Diving Bell and the Butterfly, No Country for Old Men, Eastern Promises and Juno. Plus, all my cinema boyfriends are there tonight including Javier Bardem, Viggo Mortensen and Daniel Day Lewis! I, however, am not so crazy about John Stewart as host. He better win me over. I hope fellow blogger Diablo Cody wins a statue for best original screenplay! 8:38 John Stewart is not cracking me up. He needs the writing help of Bruce Villanch to help him with these jokes. I kind of miss Billy Crystal. Speaking of Oscars past, I also have to confess that I also really missed Melissa and Joan Rivers on the preshow. Is it me, or is Casey Affleck now the hotter of the Affleck brothers? The Oscars are a whole new world for Marion Cotillard. 8:45 Elizabeth the Golden Age just won Best Costume Design. The movie sucked but had my favorite catchphrase for 2007 which was "My bitches wear my collar." 8:58 I was feeling the Oscars were off to a boring start until I saw that Eric Slovin is sitting behind Marion Cotillard. It's very disarming to see your imaginary boyfriends sitting with someone you actually went on a date with once. Why in the hell is he there and why didn't he ask me to be his date? 9:02 That Oscar montage was very lame. Also, every year I wait for some old person to go crazy during the telecast. This year, however, the person was not old. It was Katherine Heigel. Nancy Reagan must have gotten to her too. Viggo, I thought you promised to be my date for the Oscars?
9:11
Well, it's been less than an hour and I've also spotted my nemesis John Carrabino sitting behind Johnny Depp. He at least looks better than he did the last time I saw him walking down Bleecker in a navy blue velour sweatsuit.
John Carrabino cleans up for the Oscars. 9:17 It's time for my boyfriend to win his Oscar for Best Supporting actor and he won! Time to break out the canned sardines! Javier Bardem rightfully claims his Oscar while the sexy Josh Brolin cheers on! 9:25 These Oscar nominated songs suck. The best song of this year was Pop Goes My Heart from Music and Lyrics. I would have preferred to see Hugh Grant performing right now than this boring choir.
9:30 Any sympathy I had for the writers is now gone. The writing on this show sucks and wtf is this boring bee sequence? It was nice to see Owen Wilson looking healthy. I would love to get on Owen Wilson's Darjeerling. 9:34 This best supporting actress award montage is sad because so many of these women have never relived their cinematic glory. Cate Blanchett deserves to win this year. She was amazing. I loved Ruby Dee in Jungle Fever. OMG, Ruby's also wearing Reagan red. I hate this little scary girl in the green dress from Atonement. I just realized that my ex is with Amy Ryan. I need to look this up on Wireimage immediately. Cate was robbed! This is what MJ thinks about Jessica Alba. 9:47 Adapted screenplay is tough competition and now it seems that No Country For Old Men just may win Best Picture over There Will Be Blood. I have to say, this year is full of hunks at this event. Josh Brolin is devastatingly handsome and nice. I met him earlier this year at a BAFTA event. 9:55 This Kristen Chenowith number is totally sucking ass. I watched Across the Universe last Friday night which had some actual good dancing in it. This number needs some Debbie Allen in it ASAP!
10:05 I just dozed off for a minute. This year's Oscars are boring.
Who would you rather take to the Oscars? Me or Amy Ryan? 10:10 OK, finally we have Best Actress. Let's see who wins. I don't have a prediction although Laura Linney was fabulous in The Savages. Ellen Page looks cute. I wonder how her career will turn out. Marion wins and I get to see Slovin again. Why in the hell is he there? Who invited HIM? 10:19 I thought Once was kind of boring and this song kind of sucks in a whiny way. The best Oscar song performance ever was when the late Elliott Smith sang Miss Misery. I wish Hugh Grant was singing right now or even that weird Kimya Dawson from the Moldy Peaches for Juno. This is as grating as Pilobolus. I need to check my facebook account now and put the TV on mute so I don't kill myself. Jack Nicholson acts sober. 10:25 I kind of like this Best Picture Montage. The 1970s was a great decade for American cimema. 10:38 I'm a bad person. I just vacuumed during the Lifetime Achievement Award. All I caught was some very old dude wearing a scarf. I think men's tux scarves need to make a comeback. 10:43 I have not seen any of these foreign films but Penelope looks kind of cute in her bird dress. 10:47 I can't believe I'm sitting through another boring song from Enchanted. Also, wtf was wrong with Renee Zellwegger's hair? I think her manager Fatty C's bad taste is rubbing off on her. Oh good, here's John Chocula, I mean Travolta to present the award. I used to love him, but now he's a gay scary Scientologist. Poor Rene. 10:55 I'm kind of afraid that Cameron Diaz' nipples are going to pop out of this dress. I like her dress though. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly was a great film and I hope it wins something but I'm happy There Will Be Blood won. That oil burning scene was unbelievable. MJ contemplates the meaning of life during the death montage. 11:09 Am I crazy or was the score for There Will Be Blood NOT EVEN NOMINATED? WTF? That was the best score of the year and one of the most audacious of all time. This is even more bullshit than Pop Goes My Heart not being nominated. What the hell is wrong with the academy? Perhaps they are all under the wrath of Randy Newman and can't vote for worthwhile music. Oh god, it's Tom Hanks. I kind of hate Tom Hanks in the same way I hate George Clooney. 11:14 I love this woman showing real emotion for winner her Oscar for short documentary film. This is what the Oscars should be about!
For those of you who missed it, I found a clip of Jennifer Garner getting attacked by Gary Busey during the preshow. 11:29 My mother just called me to say that John Stewart sucks which I agree. She also thought Renee Zellwegger looked good which I disagree. She needs to gain her Bridget Jones weight back. She looks like she was squeezed out of a tube of toothpaste as my friend Adam used to say. Now, we are on to Best Actor. If Daniel Day Lewis doesn't win, I will lose all faith in the world. I'm not digging Helen Mirren's Dynasty dress this year. She's too classy for Bob Mackie. By the way, I have to give a shout out to the hot Johnny Depp who is another one of my cinematic fantasies. There will be Daniel Day Lewis as Best Actor! 11:37 I'm entering to win Heidi Klum's Nancy Reagan dress on mycokerewards.com. I'm also really glad blogger and former stripper Diablo Cody won her Oscar. It gives me hope for the future. 11:42 Ok, we are at Best Director and this is a crapshoot although I predict the Cohen's will win although I'm a big Schnabel and PT fan. I was right. It's hard to beat the Cohens. 11:45 Finally, we are at Best Picture. No Country for Old Men was a great film during a great year for movies but I voted for There Will Be Blood. For those of you who didn't see No Country for Old Men, please watch Max's version called No Country for Old Cats which I can guarantee is not as boring as this year's awful Oscar telecast.
Guest blogging is really hard, so sorry for the lack of updates here. Besides the fact that I'm a cat and it's, like, impossible to type with paws, there's not really a whole lot going on in the apartment right now other than ECCHC activities.
I am watching a whole lot of infomercials though. And by the time Rachel gets home, we'll be receiving the following great products to make our lives so much easier...
This is gonna feel good on my paws, and Rachel will be able to remove any calluses obtained in the name of fashion.
I really can't be on pest watch 24/7, so this little plug-in product better work. I need a break from the mice chasing. And frankly, they scare me.
I'm using this in the bathtub. Next year, Rachel's bringing me to Aruba. I'm going snorkeling.
Now that Rachel's out of the house and on her little binge-drinking, scuba-diving, crazy-dancing Aruba vacation, I thought I would turn the apartment into campaign headquarters for the East Coast Cats for Hilary Clinton.
ECCHC (which is pronounced just as it sounds and sounds just like my hair-balls) will be working around-the-clock to ensure that our favorite candidate lands in the White House.
Hillary is clearly the most cat-friendly, and this country's great history of First Cats should not, and will not, be defeated. Furthermore, not since the days of Jimmy Carter's siamese Misty Malarky Ying Yang, has there been such potential for this level of pussy in the presidency. Make what you will of that last statement.
To help fund the ECCHC 08 operation, donations are gladly being taken in the form of a 10% proceed from all purchases of Todd's great There Will Be Coffee coffee mugs.
Me and ANP are headed off to our annual Blogger Girl convention in Aruba. The thing about Blogger trips is that we totally unwire and spend time with the fish and birds! MJ Cat will be Catblogging in my absence.
As my friends and family know, I love Beagles! I had a little beagle named Stanley when I was a little girl and Uno looks just like him. So, I'd like to congratulate Uno the Beagle on winning Best in Show at Westminster! Howl!
I just returned from a BAFTA Awards East Coast party where the food was British and bad and the live feed was broken, so I don't have much to report except the following fashion comments. Marion Cotillard is so hungry waiting for bad British food that she's ready to fly away back to the USA or Paris. Thandie Netwon look stunning in a satin and lace dress that looks like she stole it right off the Carmen Marc Valvo runway show I saw in NYC on Friday.
On Sunday afternoon, I took a stroll through Chinatown where I had a $20 massage, ate some juicy pork buns and bought some new "designer" shades. I was feeling good and happy. As I walked past all the fruit, veggie and fish stands, I saw a bunch of people buying something out of a big garbage pail. I peeked in and to my surprise, I saw an entire bucket of live frogs being sold for food. While I am a carnivore, something about the slimy cute frogs staring up at me both scared the hell out of me and broke my heart at the same time. I ran home and forgot about the frogs until today when I realized that some anonymous person is out there fucking with my shit and good attitude. For you out there spreading your bad karma in the world, be warned. I'm not just some fucking frog trapped in a bucket for your lunch. This frog has legs and can jump.
In the past week, I've had two old hometown friends randomly send me photos of some of the highschool hunks from the Class of '89. I don't want to offend the guys by posting photos, but jesus christ, are we that old? I mean are we so old that we've had the time to gain 150lbs? Are we old enough that we actually have hair implants? Are we so old that we can't even recognize one another anymore on an elevator?
While all you lamos are at some party watching the Super Bowl, Max and I are chilling out and watching Animal Planet's Puppy Bowl IV with Kitty Bowl halftime show. Meow!
