Sunday, February 24, 2008

80th Oscar Awards Liveblog!

Welcome to my third annual Oscar Liveblog. I am celebrating tonight's Oscars by eating a bunch of Spanish delicacies in honor of the very sexy Javier Bardem. I will be snacking again on smoked oysters and Nutty Buddies. I'm wearing black leggings and a grey sweatshirt. I'll be updating frequently thoughout the broadcast so let the commenting begin!

Me gusta Javier Bardem!


I'm watching the preshows. There is so much red on the red carpet that it looks like Nancy Reagan is the new celebrity stylist of choice. Regis is making me very nervous. Oh my god, what in the hell happened to John Travolta's hair?

John Travolta or Count Chocula?

Anne Hathaway and Heidi Klum as styled by Nancy Reagan.

Tilda Swinton should plead guilty to this terrible Oscar look.
The show is starting and I'm so excited the Oscars are really happening! It was such a great year for movies including There Will Be Blood, Diving Bell and the Butterfly, No Country for Old Men, Eastern Promises and Juno. Plus, all my cinema boyfriends are there tonight including Javier Bardem, Viggo Mortensen and Daniel Day Lewis! I, however, am not so crazy about John Stewart as host. He better win me over.

I hope fellow blogger Diablo Cody wins a statue for best original screenplay!

John Stewart is not cracking me up. He needs the writing help of Bruce Villanch to help him with these jokes. I kind of miss Billy Crystal. Speaking of Oscars past, I also have to confess that I also really missed Melissa and Joan Rivers on the preshow. Is it me, or is Casey Affleck now the hotter of the Affleck brothers?

The Oscars are a whole new world for Marion Cotillard.
Elizabeth the Golden Age just won Best Costume Design. The movie sucked but had my favorite catchphrase for 2007 which was "My bitches wear my collar."
I was feeling the Oscars were off to a boring start until I saw that Eric Slovin is sitting behind Marion Cotillard. It's very disarming to see your imaginary boyfriends sitting with someone you actually went on a date with once. Why in the hell is he there and why didn't he ask me to be his date?
That Oscar montage was very lame. Also, every year I wait for some old person to go crazy during the telecast. This year, however, the person was not old. It was Katherine Heigel. Nancy Reagan must have gotten to her too.

Viggo, I thought you promised to be my date for the Oscars?


Well, it's been less than an hour and I've also spotted my nemesis John Carrabino sitting behind Johnny Depp. He at least looks better than he did the last time I saw him walking down Bleecker in a navy blue velour sweatsuit.

John Carrabino cleans up for the Oscars.
It's time for my boyfriend to win his Oscar for Best Supporting actor and he won! Time to break out the canned sardines!

Javier Bardem rightfully claims his Oscar while the sexy Josh Brolin cheers on!
These Oscar nominated songs suck. The best song of this year was Pop Goes My Heart from Music and Lyrics. I would have preferred to see Hugh Grant performing right now than this boring choir.

Any sympathy I had for the writers is now gone. The writing on this show sucks and wtf is this boring bee sequence? It was nice to see Owen Wilson looking healthy.

I would love to get on Owen Wilson's Darjeerling.
This best supporting actress award montage is sad because so many of these women have never relived their cinematic glory. Cate Blanchett deserves to win this year. She was amazing. I loved Ruby Dee in Jungle Fever. OMG, Ruby's also wearing Reagan red. I hate this little scary girl in the green dress from Atonement. I just realized that my ex is with Amy Ryan. I need to look this up on Wireimage immediately. Cate was robbed!

This is what MJ thinks about Jessica Alba.
Adapted screenplay is tough competition and now it seems that No Country For Old Men just may win Best Picture over There Will Be Blood. I have to say, this year is full of hunks at this event. Josh Brolin is devastatingly handsome and nice. I met him earlier this year at a BAFTA event.
This Kristen Chenowith number is totally sucking ass. I watched Across the Universe last Friday night which had some actual good dancing in it. This number needs some Debbie Allen in it ASAP!

I just dozed off for a minute. This year's Oscars are boring.

Who would you rather take to the Oscars? Me or Amy Ryan?
OK, finally we have Best Actress. Let's see who wins. I don't have a prediction although Laura Linney was fabulous in The Savages. Ellen Page looks cute. I wonder how her career will turn out. Marion wins and I get to see Slovin again. Why in the hell is he there?

Who invited HIM?
I thought Once was kind of boring and this song kind of sucks in a whiny way. The best Oscar song performance ever was when the late Elliott Smith sang Miss Misery. I wish Hugh Grant was singing right now or even that weird Kimya Dawson from the Moldy Peaches for Juno. This is as grating as Pilobolus. I need to check my facebook account now and put the TV on mute so I don't kill myself.

Jack Nicholson acts sober.
I kind of like this Best Picture Montage. The 1970s was a great decade for American cimema.
I'm a bad person. I just vacuumed during the Lifetime Achievement Award. All I caught was some very old dude wearing a scarf. I think men's tux scarves need to make a comeback.
I have not seen any of these foreign films but Penelope looks kind of cute in her bird dress.
I can't believe I'm sitting through another boring song from Enchanted. Also, wtf was wrong with Renee Zellwegger's hair? I think her manager Fatty C's bad taste is rubbing off on her. Oh good, here's John Chocula, I mean Travolta to present the award. I used to love him, but now he's a gay scary Scientologist.

Poor Rene.
I'm kind of afraid that Cameron Diaz' nipples are going to pop out of this dress. I like her dress though. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly was a great film and I hope it wins something but I'm happy There Will Be Blood won. That oil burning scene was unbelievable.

MJ contemplates the meaning of life during the death montage.
Am I crazy or was the score for There Will Be Blood NOT EVEN NOMINATED? WTF? That was the best score of the year and one of the most audacious of all time. This is even more bullshit than Pop Goes My Heart not being nominated. What the hell is wrong with the academy? Perhaps they are all under the wrath of Randy Newman and can't vote for worthwhile music. Oh god, it's Tom Hanks. I kind of hate Tom Hanks in the same way I hate George Clooney.
I love this woman showing real emotion for winner her Oscar for short documentary film. This is what the Oscars should be about!

For those of you who missed it, I found a clip of Jennifer Garner getting attacked by Gary Busey during the preshow.
My mother just called me to say that John Stewart sucks which I agree. She also thought Renee Zellwegger looked good which I disagree. She needs to gain her Bridget Jones weight back. She looks like she was squeezed out of a tube of toothpaste as my friend Adam used to say. Now, we are on to Best Actor. If Daniel Day Lewis doesn't win, I will lose all faith in the world. I'm not digging Helen Mirren's Dynasty dress this year. She's too classy for Bob Mackie. By the way, I have to give a shout out to the hot Johnny Depp who is another one of my cinematic fantasies.

There will be Daniel Day Lewis as Best Actor!
I'm entering to win Heidi Klum's Nancy Reagan dress on I'm also really glad blogger and former stripper Diablo Cody won her Oscar. It gives me hope for the future.
Ok, we are at Best Director and this is a crapshoot although I predict the Cohen's will win although I'm a big Schnabel and PT fan. I was right. It's hard to beat the Cohens.
Finally, we are at Best Picture. No Country for Old Men was a great film during a great year for movies but I voted for There Will Be Blood. For those of you who didn't see No Country for Old Men, please watch Max's version called No Country for Old Cats which I can guarantee is not as boring as this year's awful Oscar telecast.

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