Hatcher and Seacrest?

Confusing Thursday

Today has been a confusing day. Aside from the bizarre photo of Terri Hatcher kissing gay Ryan Seacrest, other mind boggling things are going down...

1. What does T want from me at work? Why can't he communicate like a normal human being?
2. Is the allergist going to charge me for my visit despite that I had a cold and he couldn't administer my weekly shot?
3. When will the Trader Joe's fad die and the shelves be fully stocked?
4. Which brunch should I attend for Erik's wedding?

And You Thought My Bathroom Was a Mess!

Trader Joe's Grocery List

It's been a week since I made my first trip to Trader Joe's. For years, I've had friends from the West Coast bragging out Trader Joe's and I never understood what the fuss was about. I've always been a Jefferson Market/Gourmet Garage type of a girl. As most of my good friends know, I'm slightly obsessed with grocery stores. My sister once witnessed the time I had to go to at least ten stores to find the perfect cut of chicken wings to make for a party. I still don't get all the fuss about Whole Foods. Last Friday after a trip to the allergist, I decided to stop at TJ's on the way home. I even stood in line for five minutes to get into the store. Well, I've been enjoying my purchases for a week, and I have to confess, I can't wait to go back to that store. The food was cheap and delicious. The shelves were slightly picked over and there were some things I wanted to try, but the cashier told me I had to get to store before noon to get such items as tandoori flavored papadam. Here is a list of my latest purchases. I spent approximately $30.
1. Whole Grain Pretzels-Standard pretzel taste.
2. Chickpea Salad--I am kind of hooked on the chickpea salad.
3. Pita Chips--I used to buy Stacy's Pita Chips at Gourmet Garage, but these are just as good and half the price.
4. Bottled Green Tea--Cheaper than the Ito and just as good. Green tea is green tea.
5. Chili-covered dried mango--I haven't tried this yet.
6. Chicken Potstickers--I ate these for dinner last weekend and they were delicious with some Worcestershire sauce.
7. Frozen seafood mix--I haven't tried this yet, but Jen S. bought the same item and made a nice seafood salad out of it.
8. Low-fat Cat Cookies: I got a tub of these cookies and they are not only delicious and low-fat, but they are shaped like cats!
9. Yogurt--I tried the key like and it made a nice dessert. I have two more flavors to try in the fridge.
10. Premade wild rice--I haven't tried this yet.
11. Turkey Chili--I tried the canned turkey chili last night and although it made me fart like crazy all night, it was tasty.
12. Bagged herb salad--I always add my own dill and parsley, so it was nice to find this salad that includes these herbs. It was also cheaper than the Dole or Fresh Express mixes.

Big Black Hole Tuesday

Now, that I have my land legs back, I have some big universe questions that need to be answered.
1. If a friend is romantically involved with someone who is not right for her or him, should you express your opinion?
2. Will these allergy shots EVER work?
3. Does Max miss me when I go away?
4. Is the laundromat liable for ruining your laundry?
5. Is Simon Cowell hot or not?

The $4.90 Lunch Specialcast

Rachel and Todd eat up the Buddha House $4.90 lunch special and ...

What do you think we would do at this moment?


• Report back about the Carnival Cruise from Hell.

• Get a face lift in time for the seder.

• Rub on the Right Guard to smell like a real man.

• Search for a lot of Menudo on youtube.com

Don't worry, it's delicious.

As always, this, and EVERY BEWARE OF THE BABYLON podcast can be automatically downloaded to your computer and transferred to your iPod through iTunes.

Do Not Cruise on Carnival Cruise!

Today, a Carnival owned ship caught on fire killing a passenger. I was held hostage on a Carnival ship over the weekend in San Juan. The Carnival cruise company is disorganized and operates faulty equipment. Do not go on a Carnival Cruise or you are putting your life in danger. Carnival sucks and has terrible customer service. You can die or disappear on a Carnival Cruise. This is not a joke.

Rebel

Rebel
Originally uploaded by redrachel.

One week ago, I had a chance to leave it all behind, stay in Barbados and take up with a Rasta named Rebel. Life might have been better had I made that choice.

The Week of Dates

Tonight was the start of a week of dates I was supposed to have with a gentleman caller in from Paris. Unfortunately or fortunately, he was way too fat, bitter and rich for me to have anything move forward. The worst part is that prior to seeing me is that he's been out with Naomi Campbell and Miss Columbia. I think my week of dates ended up one date on a Wednesday.

I worry that perhaps he might have been more disappointed than I. To cheer us all up, please watch this video of Liza going crazy last week on Larry King.

It's Nice to be Nice

While I still decompress from my disaster at sea, I am going through my videos and photos remembering the good times we had last week. One of the highlights of the trip was visiting the beautiful island of Dominica. While in Dominica, Kristen caught the eye of a local character named Mr. Nice. Mr. Nice operates a fruit stand where he offers free fruit in exchange for tips. Below is a video of a duet between Kristen and Mr. Nice.

Schindler's Ship

I'm finally back from my ordeal at sea. I have a lot to report, but first I need to sweep up all this fur, litter and Iam's cat chows strewn all over the floor.

I will repeat TO NEVER TAKE A CARNIVAL CRUISE. They have the worst customer service I have ever encountered. I understand how people can disappear off a ship based on their lack of organization, faulty equipment and inaccurate records.

Okay, now I am worried...

My owner should have been home by now and I'm worried.

Last night they showed the new trailer for Poseidon on Access Hollywood and that totally didn't help.

Not that I'm worried about her safety on the cruise, but why do they keep remaking movies that were purrfectly fine in the first place.

Wasn't the That Darn Cat remake with Christina Ricci bad enough?

Really, I cough furballs at you people and your movie remakes. If you ever remake The Cat From Outer Space I shall claw your eyes and suck out your breath.

There's Got to Be a Morning After...

While Max seems to be enjoying himself, I am writing stranded in San Juan. Our boat broke down and we were held hostage on the Carnival Destiny until late last night. Getting off the boat was like Schindler's List meets the New Orleans Superdome. After a minor meltdown, Carnival refugees are being held in a Marriott. We can't get out until tomorrow so MJ has one more day of freedom. All I can say, NEVER TAKE A CARNIVAL CRUISE. Carnival totally sucks and has the worst customer service ever. If I didn't fake having a asthma attack and exploit myself as a "journalist," we'd still be on the damned boat. Other than that, we're having a fabulous time. Now, I'm off for a walking tour of Old San Juan.

Girl, I Really Miss You

I miss my owner.

I think she comes back tomorrow.

I'm pretty sure she'll come back married to some guy like this...

Now and Forever - My Ass!

Ya know, I plan one evening out on Broadway and my owner never once mentioned that Cats has been replaced with some ABBA musical!

WTF?

Can't a cat get a break?

Guess I'll go home and watch that Larry King interview with Liza.

Lonely Pussy Haiku

IS THERE MORE OUTSIDE
MORTON, THE STREET WHERE I LIVE?
NOW I KNOW THE TRUTH.

Fun and Fancy Free...

Honestly, if I knew this networking thing worked so well, I would have tried to escape from my owner's apartment years ago.

One foam party in Tribeca not only got me sick, but a cover appearance on this month's Cat Fancy.

Gotta run, I'm late for a lunch with Anna.

Fur and Foam Don't Mix

Sorry for missing a day here (my owner's gonna be so disappointed), but I was out all night Sunday at a Tribecca Foam Party.

It really took a toll on me because I've never been more exhausted.

Cats were not meant to party this hard.

Independence Day...

Within seconds of my owner's departure for her vacation I decided to have my own Lazy Sunday in the city and see what all the fuss was about with these Magnolia Bakery cupcakes.

I didn't have any money on me, so I swiped a few when nobody was looking, and you know what? They are pretty good. Not catnip good, mind you, but pretty good nevertheless.

A quick stop into Marc Jacobs on my way back was fruitless though. Nothing at all in my size.

Bon Voyage!

While I am away on my cruise, I have asked MJ Cat to guest edit this blog. Please check in daily to see how the cats play when the people are away. While I'm exploring the Southern Caribbean, MJ Cat will be filling you in and keeping himself busy during his long lonely days. Be sure to comment to keep him occupied!

Rollerskating at the Roxy

I couldn't blog last night because I was roller skating at the Roxy. I don't think I've been at an actual roller rink since around 1982. Growing up, I used to spend weekends at Roll-R-Way which burnt to the ground in the early 80s. I actually watched it burn down as I was exiting the York Mall with my mother. I vividly remember watching my fond childhood memories go up in flames that day. The scary thing about the Roxy was that there are older people there who never stopped skating. Also, people are drinking which adds an element of danger. My coworker Malcolm actually ended up in the hospital with multiple fracture. So, if you go skating at the Roxy, be careful. Drinking and skating don't mix. See my video above.

Madonna, Jake and Five Days to Embarkation!

This photo of Jake Gyllenhaal making faces behind Ang Lee and Uma Thurman cracks me up. Actually, this photo made me kind of like Jake again.

Anyway, did anyone else read that news story today that Madonna's daughter Lourdes is now obsessed with gay people? I can't find the link, but Lourdes asked Madonna if she was a lesbian because she kissed Britney Spears. Madonna said something about how she was a momma pop star passing on her energy to the baby pop star which I thought was a genius response. Then Madonna said that Lourdes is obsessed with pointing out who is gay. Isn't Lourdes like under the age of 10? What is she learing in her fancy Kabbalah school anyway?

Oscar Party Regrets

There is nothing I can say about this photo with Lindsay Lohan and Sharon Stone at a post-Oscar party that you probably aren't already thinking except that Sharon Stone just hasn't been right since her stroke. Even Lindsay looks nervous to be around her.

Cruise Countdown!

In just six days, I'll be out of touch sailing somewhere in the Ocean. I can't wait to unwind and relax.

Oscar Blog: I'd Like to Thank the Academy

I've decided to blog each hour about my Oscar thoughts.

So far, I think Jessica Alba is best dressed and Helena Bonham Carter is the worst. I was most excited to see Meryl Streep looking fabulous. I couldn't figure out why Keanu Reeves looks weird. Leonard Maltin was too smiley. Keira Knightly needs better posture. Felicity Huffman is too old for that dress while Reese is too young for her outfit. Jennifer Aniston looks nice but is boring and what is the deal with Sandra Bullock and her pocket dress?

Jon Stewart is sucking. He is not funny and is way in over his head with this gig.

8:00 OK, the awards are starting.

Dolly Parton for some reason reminds me of Prince. I am not sure this is good or bad.

Naomi Watts looks horrible. I guess the Golden Monkey Liev Schreiber didn't get a chance to tell her to not wear that horrible dress.

When can I see a better look at JLo?

What happened to Luke Wilson and why is he so fat?

9:05 I just won my first Oscar for those of you not watching.


What the hell is going on here with Lauren Bacall? Todd always loves the moment in all awards show where some old person comes onstage and looks as if he or she is about to drop dead at any moment. This person for this show is Lauren Bacall.

My senior prom dress had a big bow on the shoulder just like the one on the dress of Charlize Theron. This was in 1989.

9:23 I love the moment of the Oscars where someone apologizes for not speaking English. That just happened as March of the Penguins wins.


Oh JLo is in olive! I kind of like the color olive but JLo has lost her star power.

9:38 I am starting to get bored. The Oscars are kind of getting self-congratulatory in these crazy montages.

9:42 I am missing Debbie Allen a little bit right now as the president speaks. I wish this could have all been said in a dance number. I love when Selma Hayak comes out. She looks much better than last year. She should, however, apologize for her English.

10:00 Jessica Alba looks good. My friend Diane thinks she looks trashy, but I don't know how you could say that about someone who looks that fabulous. Sometimes I question Diane's taste.

MJ loves Meryl Streep.

10:24 It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp was the most exciting musical performance since Elliot Smith performed Miss Misery. This is also the best Oscar acceptance speech of the night. My favorite Oscar winning song is I'm Easy from Nashville.



10:27 I wish Garner would have fallen. Do some stars arrive late on purpose? Where has she been hiding all night and where is Affleck?

10:30 The dead people montage is my favorite part of any awards show. I will miss Pat Morita, Vincent Schiavelli, Barbara Bel Geddes, Shelly Winters, Anne Bancroft, Ismail Merchant, Robert Wise and Richard Pryor. Where was Don Knotts?

10:45 Stewart's Scorcese/3 5 Mafia joke was funny. Hillary Swank is an example of another star who must have snuck in late. Who will win Best Actor? Will it be another upset? I love Joaquin Phoenix. He's hot. It's no surprise. It's fatso PSH who is worst-dressed man.

Oscar fashion as it should be on Ziyi Zhang.

10:57 Oscars, I wish I could quit you but I'm in for the long haul. We're now at best actress. I hope it is Felicity but that will be an upset. Reese wins and it's no surprise. I wish she looked better for her win. I like Reese but it is crazy to think she is an Oscar winner. Too bad her marriage is in trouble. I love Joaquin Phoenix. I just needed to say that again. Now, Reese is making me tear up a little bit. "I'm just trying to matter."

Don't you wish you were at the Elton John party showing your tits off with Pam Anderson, Amanda Lepore and David LaChapelle?

11:09 Dustin Hoffman just almost beat Bacall for crazy old person Oscar moment. History of Violence was my favorite movie last year, by the way. I love that Larry McMurtry is wearing jeans. I am so glad Uma is there looking fabulous. She is another secret star who we haven't seen yet. I also want to thank my friends who are watching along and commenting with me but I do not want to thank my good friend who tivo'd the Oscars and are two hours behind in the show and calling me to discuss things that happened three hours ago. We are at the final stretch here. Get on board, Kristen! This is why I don't have Tivo!

11:19 Tom Hanks looks like a serial killer. I am getting cranky. Thank god Ang won! He is a great director. I love that he just made another "quit you" joke.
Uma looks fabulous--again.

11:23 Crash?!?!? This is fucked up and a huge upset! I wanted Brokeback to win. Crash was a crappy manipulative movie. Now, I'm kind of pissed. Todd is on the phone and is shocked. I need an Ambien now. Oscar, I am quitting you for now.

A New Englandcast...

We don’t want to change the world,
we're not looking for a new England.

Rachel and Todd crash the British Academy Film Awards and discover the following truths:

• We are so not British.
• Black Orpheus/Black Daliah-- pretty much the same book.

• Rachel really needs a vacation

• Todd wishes he had five weeks of vacation.

• Michael Caine is very British.


As always, this, and EVERY, BEWARE OF THE BABYLON podcast can be automatically downloaded to your computer and transferred to your iPod through iTunes.

RIP Jack Wild

I was sad to learn about the death of Jack Wild who played the magic flute on PuffnStuff. He died at the age of 53 from mouth cancer.

Brokeback Friday

To celebrate the Oscars on Sunday, I've included some additional representations of homesexuality in the media. Check out this old ad to learn that there is nothing a gay man likes more than girls, style and especially being on time.

Brokeback Bert

To celebrate what I think will be a big weekend for Brokeback Mountain and for gay cinema in general, please enjoy some classic Bert & Ernie. Don't you see a little Ernie in Jack and a little Bert in Ennis?

Boob Thursday

I decided to make Thursdays all about boobs since I don't have much else to talk about right now. I, however, have so much to say about this photo:

1. This was taken at some kind of event about women or breast cancer or something like that. I saw on Access that Melissa Etheridge sang at it. I love how Rita Wilson is wearing a boob dress to celebrate boobs in general.
2. I love the look that Kate Capshaw is giving to Rita Wilson. A couple of years ago I got a new boob dress and my former friend Cathy gave me the same look. We are not friends anymore.
3. What is the deal with Kate Capshaw's hair? And Tom Hanks' hair?
4. Doesn't Spielberg look creepy?

Please give me your thoughts.

Dirty Old Men

Tonight prior to my dance class, I was eavesdropping on two twentysomething girls chatting about all of the men after them. Here is the conversation.

Girl #1: "So, I met this guy but he's like OLD."
Girl #2: "How old is he?"
Girl #1: "He's like 31."
Girl #2: "Well, that's kind of old but not too old. Get this, this guy from spin came up to me and started chatting and he's like 40!"
Girl #1: "OH MY GOD! That's like gross old."
Girl #2: "Yeah, I was like dude, you have a kid and an ex wife and I was like dude, do not talk to me, you old man."

At this point, I wondered if I should have them introduce me to this dirty old man.