March on!

I'm so glad February will be over in less than 30minutes. With cold weather, the flu, asshole men and fucked up shit going down at work, I'm glad March comes tomorrow. Let's hope 2007 is my year and this month was not an indicator of success and happiness to come my way!

The High Cost of Bowling

This is what a modest night at Bowlmor in NYC will cost you:
2 Games with 2 Friends=$55
Dinner and cheap beers for Friends=$80
Shoe rental=$15
Socks for 2=$10

Total: $160

Fun with your two best pals=Priceless!

Business Meeting

Sometimes SNL gets it right and this Digital Short is genius. For those of you who don't know what it is like to work at The Bank, this pretty much sums it up.

De-flickr-ing

After an unfortunate Flickr event today with a man on the West Coast, I decided to remove my flickr Widget from this blog. I realized that the thousands of photos of my cat and various weddings might just give potential suitors the wrong idea about me. Also, I would hate for any man to have to go through the torture of going through thousands of mundane and boring photos ever again. My flickr account cannot convey the fun and fabulous woman I truly am since I usually take cat photos when I'm home and bored and wedding photos when I'm alone and bored at weddings. I also realized today that I'm am just not that photogenic.

Madame Award: The 2007 Oscars

As I do for every award show, I'm ready to name the celebrity that embodies the style and spirit of the greatest puppet ever-Madame! Following in the footsteps of such greatness and Jennifer Lopez, MK Olsen and Jack White, the winner of the 2007 Academy Madame Award is....


Congratulations to Jack Nicholson, winner of the 2007 Oscar Madame Award!

Academy Awards Liveblog 2007!

Yikes! I may be invisible, but I look better than Melissa Rivers!

I may not be at Elaine's or the Spotted Pig or wherever the NYC glitterati gather together to watch the Oscars but I'm at home again live-blogging my reactions. My menu includes bbq chicken, potato pancakes and asparagus courtesy of Jefferson Market. I'll also be snacking on smoked oysters and Oreo cookies I'm wearing a cute lounge outfit courtesy of Anthropologie. I also predict we'll be seeing a lot of bright pink lips in the red carpet, so I bought some pink Chanel lipstick today which I applied to watch the show. Feel free to comment in the comment box. I'll be updating frequently starting at around 8:00PM.

8:00PM
The E! preshow is over and here are my thoughts. Cate and Kate look fabulous! JLo, Kirsten Dunst and Kelly Preston look frightful. I hate Nicole Kidman's and Gwyneth's hair. Also, with Ellen, Portia, Melissa Etheridge, Queen Latifah and Jodie Foster taking over the red carpet, lesbians are taking over the Jews in Hollywood!



Forget the fashions. Pussy is the new black at this year's Oscars.


Tippers's hair in inconvenient.

Kelly Preston wears her cat suit to the Oscars.


Cate Blanchett's perfection creates no scandals on this year's red carpet!

JLo wears Marchesa or Harvey Weinstein will kill her! Which is uglier? Her date of this dress?

Now, that's a sandwich!

8:30
The show is about to start! Where in the hell was Brad and Angie? This opening montage is kind of lame. I need to locate my cell phone. OK, this is good now. Someone just mentioned Stan Brakhage. Mom, do you know who that is?

8:45
Ellen's rocking the lesbian chic and being funny to boot. The Gore/Hudson joke was comic genius.

My pussy is ready for the Oscars!

8:47
The Mexican Movie Mafia wins the first award. Is it me, or does Nicole Kidman look like a used tampon?


8:55
This comedian at the Oscar's thing is brilliant. I was kind of missing Debbie Allen until this. By the way, I can't stand Pilobolus. For the record, Stranger Than Fiction was snubbed.

9:15
Ellen is apologizing for saying Penelope Cruz is from Mexico, when she is from Spain. While this is not funny, I'm laughing my ass off. The Oscars seems to be attempting to be "classy" which is starting to get boring. Something good better happen soon.

9:18
I'm freaking out because due to my popularity, my comment system is down and everyone is trying to comment. Either save your comments for later or email me, and I'll post them for you!

9:21
Thank god, the show is now getting into the big awards. I really want Jackie Earle Haley to win. Upset! Shit! I thought Eddie would get it. Now, the show is back on!

9:26
When I was in college, we had to write a review on a Pilobolus show that came to campus. I hated it and wrote a bad review of the show. Frankly, I thought it was boring and was entitled to my opinion. I was given a "D" on the paper and dropped the class. Bring back Debbie Allen!

Seat fillers.

9:49
I just realized my TV is filthy so I cleaned it off. This is a boring show. I think I need to eat the oysters now. I'm sick of Tom Hanks. The DaVinci code sucked. I love the way Helen Mirren narrated Borat. Sascha Baron Cohen was also snubbed. Where in the hell is Angeline Jolie?

10:01
Anne Hathaway looks fat in that dress. Why are they (Anne and Emily Blunt) giggling? Are they stoned or too amateur to present? Marie Antoinette deserved to win this one.

10:05

Tom Cruise appears and Max goes in the closet.

10:11
We are now at the consumer generated media portio of the show. Ellen just made a myspace joke and Gwyneth Paltrow referenced youtube. I think Zac Posen is one of the more overrated designers.

I'm trying to come up with a funny caption for this, but I can't.

10:30
Why is the only American I've seen tonight winning for Best Foreign Film? And did I just spy Faye Dunnway in the audience? And did Ellen change? Thank god, we're back into the big awards but as my good friends know, I can't stand the self-congratulatory George Clooney who just made a bad name-dropping arrogant joke about Nicholson and Gore. If Hudson loses, this will be an upset. Rinko should win though. Her performance made me cry.......and the winner is, Hudson. I guess she's telling us she's not going. Eat that, Cowell.

10:45
Jerry Seinfeld once threatened to sue me so as you can imagine, I am not thrilled to see him right now. I, however, love documentaries but Inconvenient Truth was not one of my favorites.

I suggest a recount!

10:52
As I've pointed out in past posts, every year a very old person gets onstage and become confused and incoherent. This year Clint Eastwood provides this special Oscar moment.
10:58
Why is Celine Dion singing a song that wasn't even nominated for an Oscar? Also, every year, someone wins and gives a heartfelt speech in another language or in broken English. This year it's Ennio Marricone and it seems that Clint Eastwood has to translate. So, Clint directs, writes movies and music, acts AND speaks fluent Italian, but can't follow the teleprompter? This is very confusing and I don't know what's going on and I'm getting bored and tired and they just flashed to Kate Winslett who looks equally confused.

11:07
We're onto best Original Score. Ennio Marricone speaks better English than Penelope Cruz. For the record, this is Todd's favorite category. There are so many foreigners and Lesbians here tonight. Maybe they had to throw Seinfeld up there as the token Jew. I better stop my un-PC comments, or I'll have to go to rehab tomorrow.

Writer Michael Arndt wins for best original screenplay for Little Miss Sunshine. He uses the word "funnest" in his acceptance speech. He also used to be Matthew Broderick's PA.
11:28
Melissa Etheridge just won the biggest upset of the night shutting out Dreamgirls for best original song!

The Oscars are a real snooze. Or is this the Grammy's?
11:35
OK, I'm on the phone with my mom and we're getting bored and thinking that Little Miss Sunshine just might win. Thank God, Kate Winslett is on because as Todd can testify, I LOVE her and when she came to a BAFTA event last year, I was completely starstruck. She's my glamour goddess! I wish Marty would hire me and get me out of the bank.
11:45
Jodie Foster comes back from the dead to introduce the death montage. I wonder if they'll show Anna Nicole Smith.

Max plays dead during the Death Montage.
11:52
Did PSH just roll out of bed to present Best Actress? He officially is the worst-dressed person at the Oscar's this year. Helen Mirren is a lock.

I LaCroix Best Actress Helen Mirren!
12:01
I like Reese Witherspoon and she looks pefect, but I'm just not feeling her tonight for some reason. I hope Peter O'Toole wins because he'll give the best speech but it's Forest Whitaker who seems a little freaked out. He's thanking his ancestors. Actually, I'd like to thank my ancestors now since I've never done that before. Now that he won the Oscar, hopefully he'll spring to get his woman's teeth fixed.
12:08
Best Director FINALLY goes to Marty Scorceses which is great and long overdue and I'm tearing up right now. This is an emotional Oscar moment, but it's sad it had to be for The Departed and not for Raging Bull, Mean Streets or Goodfellas.

Spielberg, Landis and my father present Best Director!
12:13
We're finally at Best Picture. Diane Keaton looks amazing and I'm exhausted. And the winner is.....The Departed! Wow! I'm shocked! I need to take a bath and go to bed soon. Thanks for commenting and stay tuned for the Madame Award!

The Beware of the Babylon Second Anniversarycast!

It's time to reminisce about the podcasts past as we celebrate our second anniversary from our Inaugural location, the Angelika Film Center. Todd and Rachel get crazier than Britney Spears and this week's episode features...

• More talk about Broadway's Spring Awakening

• The special two-year-anniversary mega podcast mix

• Romantic thoughts about gynecologists

• Fashion by Bono with additional complimentary pieces by Rachel

As always, this, and EVERY, BEWARE OF THE BABYLON podcast can be automatically downloaded to your computer and transferred to your iPod through iTunes.

OR, just listen right here and now with the audio player below...

No Trans-fat at KFC but tons of Trans Rats!

What makes this story disturbing is this is my local KFC where under times of duress, I've been known to pick up a bucket. I guess I won't be eating there anymore again.

Oscar Blogging on Sunday!

Christina Ricci and Samuel L. Jackson cordially invite you to my Sunday liveblogging during the Academy Awards telecast. Be there, motherfucker!

Jello Wrestling!

Fellow blogger, coworker and friend ANP is on the cover of this week's New York Press. We leave for Aruba in three weeks and as you can see this strong woman will be a great bodyguard!

Out of the Cold

Since Friday, I've been bedridden with some kind of cold/flu. I'm finally moving and will be back tomorrow with more blogging. I've been too tired to really watch TV and read so I don't know much of what is going on except Britney went beserk.

Nothing Compares to Britney!

I'm stuck at home nursing a nasty cold and getting bored by the relentless boring coverage of Anna Nicole Smith. Thank God, Britney Spears just went beserk by escaping rehab, flying coach on a plane back to LA and then shaved off all of her hair and then went to get some tattoos! This is not a joke. Proof is below.

Vday Round Up

Thank god for the storm because it provided me an excuse to stay home for Valentine's Day without the sad self-pity fest. I made some homemade chicken soup for the soul and am trying to watch Idlewild which I can't focus on and am about to turn off and rewatch Four Weddings and a Funeral. MJ Cat is curled up next to me and just bit me on the calf.

Transvag

Disclaimer: I realize what I am about to write is somewhat crazy and demented.

Today, I had my annual OBGYN appointment which includes my annual PAP, breast exam and a special transvag exam. After all these procedures, I got dressed and met with the doctor to discuss his findings. For once, everything looks good. Then we had some small chitchat where he asked about my work and if I had any upcoming travel plans. I asked him and he said he had nothing in the works. Then, I politely asked about his kids. Somehow, he blurted out that he is now divorced and has had a "nightmare" couple of years.

My good friends already know this and as I've writtten before, I've had a crush on my gyno for many years. He's fabulous, cute and nice. In any case, as he told me this, my predator bells went off and all of sudden, he wasn't just my doctor, but an available hot man. As I left the office he said, "I always enjoy seeing you. I guess I'll see you next year." And I replied, "I hope so" meaning that I wont' have any reason to see him for medical reasons. The thing is, I want to see him again under non-transvag circumstances. So, what does a girl do when she has a crush on her gyno? He can't ask me out and I am afraid of losing a very good doctor, but I dig this man.

Perhaps my good friend Playing Doctor can provide modern advice on how to handle this situation.

Laramie Project in York

My alma mater York Surburban Senior High in York, PA staged the play "The Laramie Project" last weekend as part of a series on tolerance. What makes this story newsworthy is that a bunch of actual intolerant people from Kansas actually came to exciting York, PA to actually protest the play. While YSH has graduated such dramatic talent as Craig Sheffer aka Hardy from Some Kind of Wonderful, Mattew Faber aka Mark Weiner from Welcome to the Dollhouse and, of course, myself, I have no idea how this became a national issue outside a small high school from York. For the record, the director Mr. Lajkowicz would not cast me in the lead part of Flower Drum Song because he didn't like the way I "moved" although I played the conciliatory role of a maid where I got to bang a gong like nobody's business. I did have a comeback the next year where I kicked ass as Ado Annie in Oklahoma. Both of these shows did not attract picketers although Flower Drum Song should have considering we had no more than 5 Asian kids in our class and only one in the musical. The rest of wore wigs and actual cardboard cutouts to make us look more "Oriental." In any case, I'm proud my small public high school continues to educate kids about diversity and acceptance.

Feb 8, 2007 — The students stood on the stage of York Suburban High School Wednesday night and chatted with each other, giggling and smiling.
They were preparing to rehearse "The Laramie Project," the play they will perform tonight and Saturday. The play deals with the 1998 murder of gay college student Matthew Shepard near Laramie, Wyo. The school's drama club picked diversity as a theme this year, and chose three plays that fit the theme.

This choice has drawn controversy after Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka, Kansas, announced its plan to picket the play's Saturday performance. Church member Shirley Phelps-Roper, who is also the daughter of Westboro pastor Fred Phelps, has said the play promotes homosexuality and an acceptance of the "sinful" lifestyle.

Students said they have received an outpouring of response from their peers and the community, more than for any other play they have produced.

"People we didn't expect to say anything have offered their support," said Brittany Vaught, 16.

Members of the drama club expressed pride in the play's message.

"It's not promoting any type of lifestyle," said A.J. Galiardi. "It says hate is out there, and it won't be tolerated."

Liz Leavens, 14, said, "The theme is accepting diversity and getting to know different lifestyles out there."

Paul Lajkowicz, the drama club advisor and play's director, cited a line from the play that talks about how all murders are hate crimes.

"This is just another example of how murders occur for a variety of reasons," he said.

Lajkowicz said he took a graduate course on violence in classrooms. He wanted to take something back to York Suburban that he learned in the class. His idea was to do a series of plays on diversity. "The Laramie Project" fit into that theme.

He said he was surprised at the controversy but said it has been a learning experience for the students.

"The kids have become so energized," he said.

He added that often students in high school don't read newspapers or keep up on current events. But with Westboro's imminent arrival, Lajkowicz said, the students have become more media savvy.

"This has made them aware of the power of the media," he said.

Lajkowicz said school officials held meetings with students and parents informing them of what might take place Saturday. They were told to ignore the picketers and continue the production.

"We are taking the moral high ground," he said. "We're a class act."

Laura Trice, 16, said that she plans to ignore the picketers and that she is not worried about her safety.

"I trust the school to take care of security," she said.

Madame Award: Grammy's

I had a difficult time determining the winner of the Madame Award for the Grammy's since Prince took his hat out of the ring. So, the winner of the 2007 Grammy Madame Awards is...

Jack White most recalls the glamour and attitude of all that is Madame!

Baftas!

I was unable to live blog the BAFTAs because I was actually at the BAFTA East Coast party! As expected, Helen Mirren won for The Queen and The Queen won for Best Picture. Unexpectedly, Eva Green who is quite beautiful won for Best Up and Comer but she looked like she was channeling another once promising English rose Helena Bonham Carter who has never been known for her fashion sense. Emily Watson also made an error in fashion judgement. Both Jennifer Hudson (Dreamgirls) won for Best Supporting Actress and Alan Arkin (Little Miss Sunshine) won for best supporting actor but both didn't show up. Last King of Scotland was awarded Best British Film. As they say in UK, I'm knackered!

Eva Green channels Helena Bonham Carter...not a good choice.

Best Actress Helen Mirren looks smashing!

Todd and I peruse the program while Emily Watson looks unhappy with her own fashion choice.

Music and Lyrics

Does art imitate life or does life imitate art or does life imitate art imitating life? Take the following example:

A couple of weeks ago I went on a promising date with a musician. Since the date, this man went on vacation and has been back for a week. Due to his busy schedule, he cancelled a date last Thursday and is busy preparing for a show he is doing next week. Before our date, I accidentally had a conversation with him(which I forget most of) under the influence of a bedtime Ambien. I later apologized for whatever I said under the influence of the velvet hammer which this blog will prove is a term I've been for Ambien since 2003.

Tonight, I went to meditate and then decided to log onto myspace.com. I decided to look at the musician's personal page where I noticed that he changed his status to "in a relationship." I'm pretty sure he's not in a relationship with me so I'm not sure if this just means nothing or he has a girlfriend. Of course, I'm also pretty sure based on past experiences, he probably got back together with a girlfriend. Then, I decided to torture myself and look at his official music page where I then noticed he had uploaded a new song entitled "Velvet Hammer." Then I listened to the song surprised that it was purely an instrumental so the meaning of the song is still a pure mystery to me although I'm 100% sure I inspired the title. This is not the first time I've inspired a NYC band to write a song. Back in 1999, the late great Cogs wrote a song called Joanna about a story I told about an old roommate of mine. So, I don't know if this guy digs/dug me or perhaps I'm just a fleeting muse among yet another musician/artist. In any case, I then immediately called Todd and explained the situation to him. Since we are going to the BAFTA screening tomorrow night of Music and Lyrics, Todd immediately exclaimed, "This is just like Music and Lyrics." Then, Todd and I decided to actually write the lyrics to the music which Todd then recorded to the actual music but we will not post for the public until this situation is resolved. But, without the music, here are the lyrics to the song which was originally recorded by the musician who from this day forward will now be known by the nickname of "Music And Lyrics."

you tell me to get ready

that you're coming back

i cant sleep

you hit me like a velvet hammer

you say you're in a relationship

i dont know if it's me or someone else

but that's what it says on myspace and i cant sleep

i need to take the velvet hammer

(chorus)

like the little white pills

you put me in a dream

but now you're just a side effect my doctor warned me about

you promised me that every day would smell like christmas eve

but now i only taste regret

and all i'm left with is the velvet hammer

As you can see, there is a lot going on here and these are my questions.

1. Does this dude have a girlfriend?

2. Should I be flattered he wrote the song but didn't tell me about it?

3. Am I reading too much into all this because I'm getting stir crazy from this freezing cold weather?

With all this confusion combined with the mystery surrounding the death of Anna Nicole, I'm so wound up that I'm going to have to take a velvet hammer to make myself fall asleep.

Deep Freeze

Between the sub-zero temperatures and my PMS, I have lost all motivation to go outside and socialize. Tonight, I ordered some steamed shrimp and broccoli and egg drop soup from Sammy's. For the record, Sammy's puts corn into the egg drop soup. There is nothing I hate more than corn in egg drop soup. So, I flushed the soup down the toilet. Now, MJ Cat is literally sleeping on my right shoulder which is making it difficult to type.

Yo Quiero Chaka Chaka Contigo!

Mark Anthony humps wife JLo at a pre-Superbowl party.

It's Fashion Week!

It's Fall 2007 Fashion Week and two of my favorite designers showed their collections early in the week. So far I want this red ruffle Diane Von Furstenberg dress and this awesome Philip Lim 3.1 Jacket!

Puppy Bowl 111

For those of you lame testosterone-filled Super Bowl watchers, here is where the real action took place tonight. Animal Planet screened the 3rd annual Puppy Bowl which included a fantastic Kitty Bowl Half-Time Show. While this sound ridiculous, it was really no more ridiculous than a bunch of guys playing football in the pouring rain. Plus, I have to admit, despite being a big Prince fan, the kitties gave a much more exciting half-time performance.

Kiss Her Ass!

I don't normally like Tyra, but this one of the best things I've ever seen on TV and Tyra is far from fat.

Crazy Wisdom

I actually was able to meditate tonight for an hour. As you can imagine, getting into this state is not easy for my overactive mind. Aftewards, I took a steam. I can't even write tonight because I'm so relaxed.