Yikes! I may be invisible, but I look better than Melissa Rivers!
I may not be at Elaine's or the Spotted Pig or wherever the NYC glitterati gather together to watch the Oscars but I'm at home again live-blogging my reactions. My menu includes bbq chicken, potato pancakes and asparagus courtesy of Jefferson Market. I'll also be snacking on smoked oysters and Oreo cookies I'm wearing a cute lounge outfit courtesy of Anthropologie. I also predict we'll be seeing a lot of bright pink lips in the red carpet, so I bought some pink Chanel lipstick today which I applied to watch the show. Feel free to comment in the comment box. I'll be updating frequently starting at around 8:00PM.
8:00PM
The E! preshow is over and here are my thoughts. Cate and Kate look fabulous! JLo, Kirsten Dunst and Kelly Preston look frightful. I hate Nicole Kidman's and Gwyneth's hair. Also, with Ellen, Portia, Melissa Etheridge, Queen Latifah and Jodie Foster taking over the red carpet, lesbians are taking over the Jews in Hollywood!
Forget the fashions. Pussy is the new black at this year's Oscars.
Tippers's hair in inconvenient.
Kelly Preston wears her cat suit to the Oscars.
Cate Blanchett's perfection creates no scandals on this year's red carpet!
JLo wears Marchesa or Harvey Weinstein will kill her! Which is uglier? Her date of this dress?
Now, that's a sandwich!
8:30
The show is about to start! Where in the hell was Brad and Angie? This opening montage is kind of lame. I need to locate my cell phone. OK, this is good now. Someone just mentioned Stan Brakhage. Mom, do you know who that is?
8:45
Ellen's rocking the lesbian chic and being funny to boot. The Gore/Hudson joke was comic genius.
My pussy is ready for the Oscars!
8:47
The Mexican Movie Mafia wins the first award. Is it me, or does Nicole Kidman look like a used tampon?
8:55
This comedian at the Oscar's thing is brilliant. I was kind of missing Debbie Allen until this. By the way, I can't stand Pilobolus. For the record, Stranger Than Fiction was snubbed.
9:15
Ellen is apologizing for saying Penelope Cruz is from Mexico, when she is from Spain. While this is not funny, I'm laughing my ass off. The Oscars seems to be attempting to be "classy" which is starting to get boring. Something good better happen soon.
9:18
I'm freaking out because due to my popularity, my comment system is down and everyone is trying to comment. Either save your comments for later or email me, and I'll post them for you!
9:21
Thank god, the show is now getting into the big awards. I really want Jackie Earle Haley to win. Upset! Shit! I thought Eddie would get it. Now, the show is back on!
9:26
When I was in college, we had to write a review on a Pilobolus show that came to campus. I hated it and wrote a bad review of the show. Frankly, I thought it was boring and was entitled to my opinion. I was given a "D" on the paper and dropped the class. Bring back Debbie Allen!
Seat fillers.
9:49
I just realized my TV is filthy so I cleaned it off. This is a boring show. I think I need to eat the oysters now. I'm sick of Tom Hanks. The DaVinci code sucked. I love the way Helen Mirren narrated Borat. Sascha Baron Cohen was also snubbed. Where in the hell is Angeline Jolie?
10:01
Anne Hathaway looks fat in that dress. Why are they (Anne and Emily Blunt) giggling? Are they stoned or too amateur to present? Marie Antoinette deserved to win this one.
10:05
Tom Cruise appears and Max goes in the closet.
10:11
We are now at the consumer generated media portio of the show. Ellen just made a myspace joke and Gwyneth Paltrow referenced youtube. I think Zac Posen is one of the more overrated designers.
I'm trying to come up with a funny caption for this, but I can't.
10:30
Why is the only American I've seen tonight winning for Best Foreign Film? And did I just spy Faye Dunnway in the audience? And did Ellen change? Thank god, we're back into the big awards but as my good friends know, I can't stand the self-congratulatory George Clooney who just made a bad name-dropping arrogant joke about Nicholson and Gore. If Hudson loses, this will be an upset. Rinko should win though. Her performance made me cry.......and the winner is, Hudson. I guess she's telling us she's not going. Eat that, Cowell.
10:45
Jerry Seinfeld once threatened to sue me so as you can imagine, I am not thrilled to see him right now. I, however, love documentaries but Inconvenient Truth was not one of my favorites.
I suggest a recount!
10:52
As I've pointed out in past posts, every year a very old person gets onstage and become confused and incoherent. This year Clint Eastwood provides this special Oscar moment.
10:58
Why is Celine Dion singing a song that wasn't even nominated for an Oscar? Also, every year, someone wins and gives a heartfelt speech in another language or in broken English. This year it's Ennio Marricone and it seems that Clint Eastwood has to translate. So, Clint directs, writes movies and music, acts AND speaks fluent Italian, but can't follow the teleprompter? This is very confusing and I don't know what's going on and I'm getting bored and tired and they just flashed to Kate Winslett who looks equally confused.
11:07
We're onto best Original Score. Ennio Marricone speaks better English than Penelope Cruz. For the record, this is Todd's favorite category. There are so many foreigners and Lesbians here tonight. Maybe they had to throw Seinfeld up there as the token Jew. I better stop my un-PC comments, or I'll have to go to rehab tomorrow.
Writer Michael Arndt wins for best original screenplay for Little Miss Sunshine. He uses the word "funnest" in his acceptance speech. He also used to be Matthew Broderick's PA.
11:28
Melissa Etheridge just won the biggest upset of the night shutting out Dreamgirls for best original song!
The Oscars are a real snooze. Or is this the Grammy's?
11:35
OK, I'm on the phone with my mom and we're getting bored and thinking that Little Miss Sunshine just might win. Thank God, Kate Winslett is on because as Todd can testify, I LOVE her and when she came to a BAFTA event last year, I was completely starstruck. She's my glamour goddess! I wish Marty would hire me and get me out of the bank.
11:45
Jodie Foster comes back from the dead to introduce the death montage. I wonder if they'll show Anna Nicole Smith.
Max plays dead during the Death Montage.
11:52
Did PSH just roll out of bed to present Best Actress? He officially is the worst-dressed person at the Oscar's this year. Helen Mirren is a lock.
I LaCroix Best Actress Helen Mirren!
12:01
I like Reese Witherspoon and she looks pefect, but I'm just not feeling her tonight for some reason. I hope Peter O'Toole wins because he'll give the best speech but it's Forest Whitaker who seems a little freaked out. He's thanking his ancestors. Actually, I'd like to thank my ancestors now since I've never done that before. Now that he won the Oscar, hopefully he'll spring to get his woman's teeth fixed.
12:08
Best Director FINALLY goes to Marty Scorceses which is great and long overdue and I'm tearing up right now. This is an emotional Oscar moment, but it's sad it had to be for The Departed and not for Raging Bull, Mean Streets or Goodfellas.
Spielberg, Landis and my father present Best Director!
12:13
We're finally at Best Picture. Diane Keaton looks amazing and I'm exhausted. And the winner is.....The Departed! Wow! I'm shocked! I need to take a bath and go to bed soon. Thanks for commenting and stay tuned for the Madame Award!
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