Operating System Meltdown

My operating system has had to be fully recovered so I'm on a blogging break until this weekend. Please come back on Sunday.

Thanks!
Rachel

The Emo Cast...

Rachel and Todd get all emotional this week and ponder: questions, like:

• Is Rachel turning into an old man who eats pie?

• Who is the black Tom Cruise?

• Did you have a bad day?

• What is the best way to prepare placenta?

• Are we now, or have we ever been "emo?"


As always, this, and EVERY, BEWARE OF THE BABYLON podcast can be automatically downloaded to your computer and transferred to your iPod through iTunes.

You can also download here.

The Amish Comic

As I was perusing my old hometown paper, The York Daily Record, I saw an advertisement for a guy named Raymond the Amish Comic. Here is a clip of his act. Frankly, when I see this, I realize I should have stayed in comedy, because this guy sucks. I used to do a joke about how I was an Amish Jew which was better than this.

Technical Meltdown

I'm having some technical issues where I can't post photos. In any case, I'm back from the wedding and MJ Cat is happy to have me back. I went on a big week of dates last week and this week I will be home alone and dedicated to the blog and the podcast. Frankly, I'm sick of dating and men and trying to act normal and be charming. It's exhausting. I had a meltdown at the allergist on Thursday when the doctor told me I still am not breathing properly. I told her I felt fine, and that I think that this allergist thing is a big racket. As punishment, she put me on steroids. I told her I didn't want to get all moonfaced like Mattew Perry, but she didn't think that was very funny. Also, I am sick of Trader Joe's and need a week off that stuff too. I did find out that Jared Paul Stern's gf Snoodles is now actually his wife and they live in some kind of manor upstate. He's also not much older than I am, but I hope I look younger than he does in his recent photos. I'd show a photo, but blogger won't let me upload any for some crazy reason. I also have a photo of Max's supposed catsitter Liam with David Johanson and Iggy Pop, but I can't upload that either. I think he didn't show up this weekend to see Max because Max was drinking out of a half-empty mug and there was litter all over the floor. I'm going to bed now.

A Rose is a Rose....

I'm off to a wedding and this week has been a whirlwind of craziness. I never got to comment that Suri Cruise is a pretty stupid name. I can't believe TomKat didn't pick Ronnie or something like that. Plus, I hate names where it can be translated into different convenient meanings depending on the language. Suri supposedly can be translated into rose in Hebrew or princess in Persian or Clone in English.

Phat Tuesday

As you can see from this photo, I've been out and about and unable to blog. Here I am with newly single Russell Simmons at a Conde Nast Traveler party this evening at Buddha Bar. Unfortunately, I was unable to capture my Marcia Gay Harden moment where she made a beeline for me away from Dennis Quaid and proclaimed, "I've been watching you dance. You look great." Wyndham witnessed this bizarre moment and can testify that this really happened. Below is a photo from tonight of MGH with Quaid prior to her approaching me. Lindsay Lohan, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Mandy Moore were also there but unfortunately I did not interact or have any photos taken with them. Sarah Jessica, however, copied me and wore polka dots.

The Cataract Date

Tonight I was supposed to go on a blind date set up by a mysterious woman named Karen. She was instrumental in connecting me with a friend of hers and she's been working on this for almost a year. At first I was suspicious and paranoid, because women usually are not so eager to fix up other women. But after I received an email from the man, we decided to talk on the phone and I do have to say Karen was right, we made an instant connection and had two exciting conversations. We agreed to meet tonight and when he called me to make the arrangements, he said he wanted to go for a drive. I responded that I wasn't comfortable getting in the car with him since I didn't know him and he said I was too "old school for him" and called off the date right there and then. He then told me that I made him angry and that he couldn't talk to me anymore. So, we broke up before we even met if that is possible, but perhaps that is all for the best.

Paris Hilton Sings Happy Bday to Hef

Paris Hilton wishes Hef a happy bday in this video. Paris might be richer and thinner than most of us, but most of us definitely beat her in the class department.

The 11th Plague

It's Passover and I've spent the entire day vomitting from what either is food poisoning from a bad clam or a new allergy to shellfish. So, if you are at a seder, enjoy some matzoh ball soup for me.

The Reopsy

Fuck. My biopsy report came up inconclusive and I have to go back for ANOTHER test where they will suck more tissue out of my tit. Not only does this literally suck, it hurts. I had too much sangria tonight and I got this upsetting letter from Max's vet that she has to suddenly leave town for mysterious reasons. Today has been a sad crazy-ass day.

The Stoopcast

Rachel and Todd do the right thing with their very first Stoopcast from the West Village…


Topics of conversation and interesting tidbits include:

• Big Love – Crazy-assed polygamy.

• Racists love Velcro.

• The great MySpace migration pimp-out.

• Special guest appearance from Erik of Playing Doctor.

• Ellen’s music-trivia game multiple choice answer.

As always, this, and EVERY, BEWARE OF THE BABYLON podcast can be automatically downloaded to your computer and transferred to your iPod through iTunes.

Snoodles (corrected post)

As an avid New York gossip reader since I subscribed to the Voice back in the 80s in York, PA, my friends keep calling me asking my opinion on the Jared Paul Stern scandal. For those of you not in the loop, JPS is being investigated by the FBI for taking bribes from billionaire Ron Burkle for "protection" from being mentioned on Page 6.

Frankly, I never found his scoop all that dishy. His ridiculous posturing with that stupid hat always distracted me from any of his gossip credibility. Also, he's always bragging that he graduated from Bennington. I just never thought Bennington was worth bragging about especially if you graduate and end up as a sixth-rate Brett Easton Ellis. In the 90s, he'd attend the cutting of any ribbon and I think he even once showed up at a party I threw.

What I found most annoying about JPS was his relationship with his girlfriend Snoodles. I don't know if Snoodles was his beard or if they are even still together, but on Sunday evenings at the Printing House Pool roof, JPS and Snoodles would actually bring a picnic and dine as if they were on a mountain top in St. Moritz. JPS also included mentions of Snoodles in his column. I always felt disappointed running into them on the street, because neither of them was as fabulous as JPS wanted to believe.

I do feel sorry for him because it sucks to have the FBI tarnishing your half-assed career. But, I think good gossips must remain low pro or they will become a target themselves. Next time, take your picnic in the park.

(This is a corrected version of a previous post, as Urban Crank correctly reminded me that JPS's gf is named Snoodles, and not Bubbles. On another topic, Ambien has ruined some part of my memory.)

Gwyneth Parts the Sea

To celebrate ABC's remake of the Ten Commandments airing tonight on ABC, Gwyneth Paltrow has named her named her new baby Moses. I think Moses is a solid name. If I were to marry Todd, I would want to name our baby Moses Sokolove which would be a very solid name. Or if Wyndham wanted to get married, I could name the baby Moses Stopford which also has a very nice ring to it. It's too bad these dudes are gay.

Golden Advice

There was no group of people more influential over America's youth in the 80's than the Golden Girls. They don't make PSA's like they used to.

Friday Catblog by MJ Cat

It's been awhile since I last blogged, but I wanted to report that last week I saw my vet the great Mary Xanthos and she gave me a clean bill of cat health. I even lost a pound since my last checkup! My complexion is still not so great, and I have a couple of cat zits on my chin, but she said I don't need to worry about that. My owner is waiting to hear from her vet today. I hope she's OK.

Mr. T's Fashion Tips

Use these tips from Mr. T as you shop for some new spring/summer items over the weekend. Make your own style choices, fool!

Trader Joe Update

I went to Trader Joe's for my third week in a row and wanted to update you on the products I have sampled. Last week, I spent $30 and this week I spent $22. I will also include products I have purchased again from my previous post.

1. Pretzels filled with peanut butter--When I went to check out the cashier informed me that I would want the salted pretzels rather than the unsalted which I threw into my cart. He then rang a big brass bell and someone switched out the salted for me. I have to confess, these are pretty tasty, but not worth ringing a brass bell.
2. Pita Chips--I bought more of these. Max likes them too.
4. Bottled Green Tea--I am hooked on the green tea. I might have to get a case and have it delivered.
5. Chili-covered dried mango--I tried these and I am not sure I will buy these again.
6. Frozen flounder stuffed with crabmeat--I was hoping this would taste like the variety served at the Ember's in York, PA, but it did not.
7. Wild Rice--I prefer Uncles Bens. This variety was tasteless.
8. Bagged herb salad--I have bought this weekly.
9. Frozen Mandarin Chicken--I thought this would be a microwaveable dish, but I had to fry it up in my wok. It was kind of tasty though and I didn't have to wait for delivery.
10. Meatballs and Penne-I got this in the prepared aisle, and it was better than the Gourmet Garage version. I wanted this again tonight, but they were out.
11. Thai chicken--I also bought this out of the prepared aisle and it was good. I like the way the fresh meals are proportioned to meet Weight Watchers standards.
12. Thai-flavored lime and hot pepper peanuts--These have been my favorite purchase since last week. I like a spicy peanut.
13. Hawaiian styled BBQ Chips--I like these tasty potato chips and will be looking for them again.
14. Teriyaki Turkey Jerky--Delish low-point treat!
15. Apple breakfast bars--I like these when I'm on the go in the morning! I will buy more of these when I run out.
16. Low fat Balsamic Dressing--This goes very nicely with the Herb Salad Mix.

These are products I have purchased, but not tried.
1. Garlic mashed potatoes
2. Frozen Waffles
3. Frozen Meatballs
4. Frozen seafood mix
5. Frozen BBQ chicken
6. Classic Hummus

Shalom in the Home

When I first saw the ad for TLC's new program "Shalom in the Home," I was intrigued about a reality TV show featuring a rabbi driving coast to coast helping people sort out their personal problems through his good will.

I, however, then realized that the rabbi spreading Shalom all over the US is press-whore Rabbi Shmuley Boteach who positions himself as a "family and relationship counselor."

Aside from finding the Oxford University L'Chaim Society, Rabbi Shmuley came into pop culture consciousness with his book "Kosher Sex" and his weird friendship with Michael Jackson. Shmuley even once interviewed at this crazy dot-com I worked for in the late 90s and when I met him, I didn't really get a real sense of Shalom.

So, now I don't think I'll watch Shalom in the Home. Rabbi Shmuley jumped the shark years ago.

My Name is Not Susan

I work closely with this man who can't seem to get my name right. He is always calling me by the wrong name. While I think he's just a sexist pig, I don't like this. When you work with people, it is especially important to address your coworkers by their proper names. I hate blogging about work, but I must advise all those of you with corporate jobs to take the time to remember people's names.

Needle in the Haystack

The diagram above will explain why I don't feel much like blogging today. If you ever have a large needle sucking out cells out of your left tit, I recommend to take a friend with you for some emotional support. I made the mistake of going alone.

Manic Monday

Today was a crazy day. Someone I work for gave notice and I don't think it was the most graceful exit and it wasn't her fault. I don't understand how in today's economy and environment, companies take it so personally if someone leaves for more money or a better opportunity. If the company was that concerned, they would take care of their people on the offense rather than trying to give to little too late on a reactionary basis.

Happy Monday from MJ Cat!

Todd made this fabulous art of MJ Cat. MJ says hello! He went to the vet on Friday and aside from some complexion issues, he is in perfec health.

Turning it Back

For the record, the day we turn the clock back is one of my least favorite days of the year. On a good note, I had two very good dates this weekend. I don't think I came across as a freak or the weirdo that I normally am and the men at least both pretended to show some interest. The Spring is normally the period where I pick up the most men. I wonder if men lose their guard due the hour that they lost due to that loss of the hour for Daylight Savings Time. Or maybe I've still got it.