15th High School Reunion Update

I just returned from an exciting weekend in Pennsylvania where I caught up with some former classmates. Here is a rundown of gossip from my former classmates. I am glad I live in NYC now.

1. Judy got her tubes tied and told us this fact unsolicited at dinner. She also drank alcohol through her two pregancies, but her kids are "fine."
2. Matt now weighs 265 lbs. He weighed 135 at the time of graduation but due to a thyroid condition, he put on a lot of weight. His wife was nice and didn't seem to mind.
3. Howard said Kate looks the best and even better than I do. I disagree.
4. Joel hit on Jessica making her leave the bar early because he was making her "nervous."
5. Gary was wearing a polo shirt with the Country Club emblem embroidered on the sleeve. He said some pretty racist and homophobic comments at Denny's.
6. Brian and Linda's children were kind of wild.
7. Kathy and Rick ended up getting married. They both look and act exactly the same.
8. Steph confessed to Kate that she threw up before every swim meet and this pattern continued until college.
9. Samantha donated her old used pocketbooks for the silent auction. Howard thought this was tacky.
10. Erik has a lot of tatoos and is a bartender in CA. He did not show up for the reunion.
11. Mark asked me for my number and I am deciding if I should call him.

My readers and friends are equally neurotic

I want to thank all my readers who sent me emails in sympathy to my birthday dilemma. Here is my favorite response. I've taken out the names as this reader is notoriously private, but I really appreciated her kind words and relate to her neuroses. I consoled her by telling her any guy who would go to a Rush concert is lame.

" I just read your entry about the ipod. That blows! I think you should set up a jar at your party and write "IPOD FUND" on it. People will totally put money in it when they hear your tale of woe. Then tell your mom and sister that your FRIENDS contributed to the purchase of your ipod and they will both feel like jerks.

Don't feel bad about your birthday. My friend, insane crush of 2 years plus, and date to your party sent me an email today saying he had to cancel because he forgot that he was going to a Rush concert on Thursday night. With his girlfriend. (name deleted but it's a very BAD and STUPID NAME.) I was ditched for someone named (BAD AND STUPID NAME.) Also I have no date to and no prospects for my baby brother's wedding in a month. I went to heat up water for my laxative tea but my mother made me turn off the microwave because she was on the phone and the microwave and the phone can't be used at the same time. I don't know why. It's one of her "rules". I had to drink tepid laxative tea. It's called Smooth Move. How fitting. Someone in this house may end up chopped up in the freezer.

Your party will be fun. I'm looking forward to it. Think about the ipod jug.

Happy Birthday to Me?

Today my sister called me and informed me that she and my mother wanted to give me an ipod for my birthday, but that I would have to pay for part of it.

I had two options involving this "gift":

1. They would give me a gift certificate for the Apple store where I could put the money towards an ipod.
2. My mother would purchase the ipod using her education discount and I would have to reimburse them any amount over $200. My sister preferred this option because it was saving me money regarding my own contribution for own gift. I could either write them a check or she would just deduct her portion of the bill for the birthday dinner we are planning for my mother on Friday.

Here is my response and thoughts on this matter:

1. I never asked for them to buy me an ipod and was going to purchase one on my own. I don't know why they feel this insane need to "give" me an ipod.
2. I do not really appreciate having to negotiate the cost for my own birthday gifts and anything I have to pay for is technically not a gift at all.
3. What is wrong with these people? I don't understand why they think that the general rules of etiquette do not apply when dealing with family members.
4. How is it that I'm in my 30s and every year in some way I'm forced to feel like I am somehow in 16 Candles?
5. Now that I'm 33, can I legally divorce my family?


Etiquette International - The Art Of Gift Giving

Another Man Bites the Dust

When I first entered high school, I had a massive crush on Steve Carter. He was a senior and I was freshman and I loved him. He was funny, smart and nice. He once drove me to our band concert in his jeep. (He played the trumpet and I played the sax.) Unfortunately, when we arrived I fell out of the car and he laughed. On our band trip to Texas, I took numerous photos of his ass as he walked in front of me on the Dallas Cowboys football field. I have these photos proudly displayed in my high school photo album. Steve was also cast as Conrad Birdie in York Suburban 1986's production of Bye Bye Birdie. I was cast as a groupie who screamed and fainted each time he came near me. During our final production, we had a moment where I swear he actually winked at me onstage. After Steve graduated, I forgot about him and moved onto deeper obsessions. I miss the innocent crush I had on Steve. Now, he's a doctor and married to some girl he met on a mountain.

The New York Times > Fashion & Style > Weddings & Celebrations > Kathryn Simons, Stephen Carter

Soho House is So Over--Everybody's Trying to Get into the Charlton Club!

The Soho House is so over and now all the defectors are trying to become members of the fabulous new Charlton Club. The exclusive Charlton Club is so secret that I don't even have all the details about how to become a member. I do know, however, that pledging members must take IQ tests. More details to come as I investigate!New York Post Online Edition: gossip

MarryYourPet - The pet and people wedding specialists

This is the best Web site I've seen in a long time.

MarryYourPet - The pet and people wedding specialists

More dirt on Kamm

More Kamm news keeps coming.

ArtsJournal: Modern Art Notes

Kamm Gets His or Don't Snub Me at Da Silvano

New York Post Online Edition: gossip

In one of my first jobs and a low woman on the totem pole, I used to take a lot of calls and office visits from Oliver Kamm who was a velvet-mafia wannabe and up the ass of my velvet-mafia boss (actually I'm not sure who was up whose ass.) Anyway, Oliver was always overly sweet to me asking me to do him favors and to get my boss on the phone for him. As a courtesy, he used to send me this very bitchy weekly email that he used to write about Christy Turlington who was in one of his classes at NYU. He would take notes on everything she said in the class and then comment on them in these nasty emails that were sent to all his friends. They were actually very funny. I remember at the time, he was also very into snowboarding. Anyway, years later I ran into Oliver at Da Silvano and he totally snubbed me and was extremely rude whenI came over to his table to say hello. He actually said to me, "I can't believe they let you in here." I never forget a social slight, so I appreciated hearing that Kamm is actually a crazy man surrounded by meathead goons.

New York Post Online Edition: news

New York Post Online Edition: news It would be hard to get down in a tree.

Don't sleep with your students.

Variety.com - Inside Move: Elvis to leave building Could this be the critic the Post referred to last week in a blind item?

MANHATTAN WAITER : MANHATTAN WAITER

MANHATTAN WAITER : MANHATTAN WAITER

Believe it or not, I'm in the home section!

For those of you who missed me in the home section, check out my fabulous Shrine to the Goddess and Kit-Kat clock. I think they should have devoted an entire article to me. New York Post Online Edition: Real Estate Page 40

Also, I've been getting a lot of requests regarding my new haircut. You can get yours done by Todd at Edris while actually having a bird's-eye view of Sally Hirschberger giving the $600 hair cut!

Who I am through Googlism

Just when I was losing touch with myself I turned to Google. Who needs yoga or meditation when you can simply go to this site to really determine the outside world's perception of who you really are? Plus, I have been dwelling on the fact that the current guy I am having relations with failed to invite me to a benefit that he is hosting this evening and somehow I found comfort in the fact that Google doesn't even know who he is or is not. I at least can rest assured that I am nice.

Tossing Salads and Rainbow Parties

Yesterday Oprah ran a rerun which was actually a promotion for the movie Thirteen and called "Is Your Child Leading a Double Life?" As part of the show, Oprah had teens and their moms discussing their teenager's sex life. The highlight of the show was a writer for Oprah magazine discussing teen sex terminology. My mother must have missed the original episode because she called me to discuss this segment and thanks to Oprah, I had a frank discussion with my mother about rainbow parties, tossing salads and booty calls. I must be old-fashioned, because I really wasn't comfortable defending the joys of a well-timed booty call to my mother who found absolutely no merit in such an exchange. I assured here that I did not accept booty calls as a teenager. I also felt old because I never heard of a rainbow party and assumed it was for someone who was "coming out" rather than a bunch of girls putting on lipstick and marking a guy's penis in a different spot. As for tossing salads, I had no comment on that one. Sometimes it's best to keep things private.

This Afternoon In Drama: The Mating Habits Of The Nerd

This is hilarious. I am voting for Yoanna. And how gay was Shandi's boyfriend? For the record, Tyra will never be the next Oprah. This Afternoon In Drama: The Mating Habits Of The Nerd

Tori Spelling's Registry

For those of you who have been enduring my countless emails regarding the wedding registry of Tori Spelling and the baby registry of Debra Messing, check out this hilarious piece in New Yorkish.

Meanwhile, please check out my own registry for my own imaginary wedding to George Charelton on http://ww1.williams-sonoma.com/reg/registrylist.cfm.

American Idol and America's Next Top Model Roundup

American Idol has finally kicked off it's real competition. This week I am voting for John Peter Lewis. Although Jasmine was the best, JPL reminds me of Beck. John Stevens, the ugly redhead, is my least favorite this week. I am crossing my fingers that he gets voted off the show tomorrow night. He sucks.

Meanwhile, America's Next Top Model is winding down and I was pleased that April who I am convinced is actually the same person as Tammy from The Apprentice was voted off.

Sunday Brunch Etiquette

Due to the horrible brunch date I had on Sunday, I now find it necessary to outline the following rules to determine the value of sleep versus a free meal on a date. To prevent the waste of time and general unpleasant atmosphere I experienced, please note that you will have to follow these rules to have the pleasure of my company for any upcoming brunches:

1. You must order something that can be chewed. Simply ordering a single espresso does not count as a meal.
2. If you have become a vegetarian since I last saw you, I don't want to hear about it.
3. Please think of conversation topics prior to the meal. Don't ask me boring questions such as "What adventures do you have planned?" because, frankly, you probably don't really want to know that answer and I'm not going to be honest, especially if I'm expecting you to pick up the tab. Also, asking me the same stupid question that you did five minutes ago is unacceptable.
4. Compliment me if I look nice, especially if I dragged my ass out of bed to meet you before noon on a Sunday.
5. I really don'ht want to hear your laundry list of activities for the next three months. If you are so busy that you feel the need to make excuses as to why you can't see me for another three months, don't bother to invite me to brunch in the first place. I have better things to do.
6. Don't throw a hissy fit when the waitress asks us to move to accommodate a larger party. They are just trying to make a buck, and if you have the nerve to order only a fucking single espresso, at least be appreciative of the hostess' business acumen.
7. Don't make cracks about how hard it is to live in the city for under six figures and about going to Milan to buy your fucking ugly clothes. I make under six figures and feel bad enough about that as it stands.
8. Don't pretend to go to the bathroom so that you can call one of your clients.

Burning Bladder

For the first time in my life, I'm suffering from the dreaded "burning bladder." Since is the first time I've ever experienced what my doctor actually referred to as "a result of too much nookie," here is a list of symptoms and clues to detect burning bladder before it turns to a kidney infection:
1. You find yourself having to pee every second, except no pee comes out and when it does, it feels like you have to pee again immediately.
2. You faint on your bedroom floor and don't really care when your cat attacks you.
3. The guy you suddenly decide you like who has been calling you suddenly stops calling you leaving you up to suffer in solitude.
4. You have bad pains in your lower back.

I don't feel like writing more because I don't feel well.

Please Nominate Me for A Street Name

Considering the amount of time I spend on my block, don't you think that the corner of Morton and Bleeker should be named after me? Please submit your nominations on my behalf.