Monday, December 22, 2003

The Men of 2003

This is a list of the best men I dated in 2003. These are the men who inspired me, drove me crazy, consumed me and pissed me off and, yet, made my year memorable. Due to all of their insane behavior, I've changed their names. I'm doing this NOT to protect the innocent, but to protect myself since most of the men I meet don't like to be written about in a public forum.

The Architect (January-present)
I ushered in the New Year with a date with The Architect. The date was started out extrememly promising. We met for a drink and then went to Corner Bistro for burgers. He even gave me best line of the year-
"I think you are smart, and talented and beautiful and you look like you really need to hear this. I don't know what is going to happen between us, but I do know that I want to be the person that every day tells you that you can do it and that you are amazing."
Well, the date ended up with me sleeping over at his pefectly clean apartment and getting my period and bleeding ALL over his new ultra-white Conran's sheets. Thinking this was a deal breaker, I expected to never to hear from him again. Unfortunately, I did. He sent me a photo of his penis in an email. He is also always inviting me to log on to Yahoo! Messenger to watch him jerk off. It turns out that he is a noncommittal pervert. Yet, he always tells me how hot I am, and gives me advice about my other men. And for this reason, although we do not date, we still "see" each other and communicate almost daily.

The Old Crush (February-present)
I really had the hots for The Old Crush in the early 90s in college. As I was in the midst of my unhealthy Architecht situation and famished from starting a new diet, The Old Crush called me out of the blue and told me to "come over." I had just taken an Ambien and was in that phase right before the Velvet Hammer hits when you are completely out of your mind. So, in my new black sexy nightgown, I went over to his Soho loft, ate a slice of pizza and passed out. The best night of the year with The Old Crush was at a bizarre karaoke bar where we ended up singing a duet of "How Deep is your Love." When we go out, I secretly like the way he pinches my ass when I get up to go to the ladies room. He still calls mes out of the blue, invites me over for some pizza and Ambien and then we'll both pass out and act awkward the next morning.

The Scope (May-July)
Although I dated The Scope the previous year, he had a resurgence as my weight loss really began to show. We hadn't seen each other in months after he went through a bout of depression and basically blew me off. The party was in his loft where he had a lot of "performers" playing music, showing films and DJing. Although he basically was with another girl at the party, he was flirting with me which reminded me of why I liked him in the first place. We ended up going on a couple of dates after this where we would see French movies, drink martinis and kiss on street corners. One night after a date in the meat packing district, the Scope invited himself over to my place. My place was a complete mess and I asked him to stand outside while I made sure there was no dirty underwear on the kitchen table. I came out to give him the "all clear," but he was gone. Panicked, like a flash and in my bare feet, I ran out the front door to see why he left so suddenly and unexpectedly. I couldn't find him and went back inside defeated. Turns out, he was sitting across the hall and witnessed my panic attack. Needless to say, I felt like a desperate fool and blew my summer romance with the Scope which is for the best because he's currently on vacation in Vietnam with his ex-wife and child.

The Director (September-November)
In order to sum up the Director situation, I will have to be brief because I don't want to say too much in order to not piss him off any more than I already have.
1. I should have been alarmed from the beginning that he only goes by one name.
2. He's a really good kisser and he smells really good and he's really charismatic.
3. His time is consumed by a supermodel and he never had time to spend with me.
4. His ex-girlfriend showed up on his doorstep and he dumped me via email to tell me this. When I got upset about how he handled the situation, he had the nerve to tell me I was "aggressive" and "dramatic."
5. I wrote about the situation in depth in this blog and he read it, he was very upset and made me take it down which I did because I still want him back in my life.
6. I still want him back.

The Music Man (November-present)
The Music Man is a very nice man, but extremely hard to read. I can't tell if he likes me or not, although he continues to call me and make plans. I bumped him up in my rotation in the midst of the Director fiasco. Also, he's bicoastal which makes me nervous because I wonder if he has a woman in LA. In early 2004, hes attending all these high-profile events (The Golden Globes, The Grammys, a party for Outkast) and although we discuss in-depth his social schedule and what he will be wearing to these events, he has not invited me to any of them and I'm starting to get paranoid. To his advantage, this game of "pursuit-withdrawal" is upping my interest.

Monday, December 01, 2003

Holiday Wish List

My Thanksgiving holiday was so tense and full of drama, that my holiday season can only improve by receiving fabulous gifts over the month of December. Please consider the fact I was dumped via email a couple of weeks ago and need to be cheered up any way possible. These are things that I know will brighten my holiday season.

1. I need the Laura Mirkin clutch bag for future dates.
2. I smell absolutely divine in Annick Goutal's Petite Cherie perfume.
3. My cat Maximillian Joseph would really love to go crazy with this TurboCatScratcher. (It's amazing how much the names of cat toys sound like sex toys. )
4. I love these Kiss My Face candles. They smell incredible.
5. I think this Sony Digital Camera will fit in my clutch bag.
6. If you really want to make my holiday season, you could score me a date with Benicio.
7. I'm feeling down, so I need some classic bling, and not the kind that will go out of style in a month.
8. Finally, I think I wouldn't have been in the position I am in now if I knew the definition of "It's all Good" means "No problem" and not "Yes, I like you. Everything is great." Perhaps someone will buy me the Hip Hop Dictionary.