Due to the horrible brunch date I had on Sunday, I now find it necessary to outline the following rules to determine the value of sleep versus a free meal on a date. To prevent the waste of time and general unpleasant atmosphere I experienced, please note that you will have to follow these rules to have the pleasure of my company for any upcoming brunches:
1. You must order something that can be chewed. Simply ordering a single espresso does not count as a meal.
2. If you have become a vegetarian since I last saw you, I don't want to hear about it.
3. Please think of conversation topics prior to the meal. Don't ask me boring questions such as "What adventures do you have planned?" because, frankly, you probably don't really want to know that answer and I'm not going to be honest, especially if I'm expecting you to pick up the tab. Also, asking me the same stupid question that you did five minutes ago is unacceptable.
4. Compliment me if I look nice, especially if I dragged my ass out of bed to meet you before noon on a Sunday.
5. I really don'ht want to hear your laundry list of activities for the next three months. If you are so busy that you feel the need to make excuses as to why you can't see me for another three months, don't bother to invite me to brunch in the first place. I have better things to do.
6. Don't throw a hissy fit when the waitress asks us to move to accommodate a larger party. They are just trying to make a buck, and if you have the nerve to order only a fucking single espresso, at least be appreciative of the hostess' business acumen.
7. Don't make cracks about how hard it is to live in the city for under six figures and about going to Milan to buy your fucking ugly clothes. I make under six figures and feel bad enough about that as it stands.
8. Don't pretend to go to the bathroom so that you can call one of your clients.